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Didn't make it to give manchild son the contract - f/u to previous post

Posted by on Nov. 13, 2011 at 7:12 AM
  • 29 Replies

I blew it and made a complete ass out of my self last night (my other post gives the background - but basically my 19 yr old son is lazy & entitled with no job) Fiance & I had errands to run yesterday so we asked Manchild to do some chores while we were out. The chores were realitively simple - fill the kindling box, straighten up the downstairs since most of the mess was his, do the family's laundry (5 loads) and clean up the pool area from a recent storm (couple of branches & pick up the outdoor furniture that had blown). With the exception of the laundry the chores may have taken an hour at best.

I decided to have my future mother in law come home & stay w/ us for the night - she's 83 and I adore her. So while we're out, I call home and throw in a few more odds & ends - make a fire so MIL isn't cold when we get there and do a quick dust/vacuum in the guest room (all of 5 minutes worth of time & the fire maybe 10-15 mins).

One more call home at 5:30 - I have some stuff on Craigslist for sale - and a lady wants to come over & buy it at 6:30. I'm in the process of driving home but there was chance she'd get there b/4 me. Asked the kids to grab the stuff out of the garage & have it set in front of the garage door. Oh & a call 30 seconds later Hon, Can you turn on the front porch lights for me so I don't trip & kill myself LOL

We left at 11:30 am and came home at 6:25 to the kindling box 3/4 full, 3 loads of laundry thrown on the couch (unfolded), the fire barely going, the guest room dusted but not vacuumed the downstairs a complete and utter disaster - the dogs had destroyed a couple of their toys so stuffing was everywhere, candy wrappers on the carpet, couch pillows on the floor, plates & soda cans everywhere, I come upstairs the sink is full of dishes (it was empty when i left) as I guess he took them off his computer desk earlier in the day, leaves and mud all over my wood floors. BUT the Craigslist stuff was sitting in front of the garage & my front porch light was on.

Earlier in this shitty day, Manchild called to see if he could take his brother to Gamestop. Sounds weird that he'd call to ask but he's had his license for 3 weeks and I'm leery about my 14 yr old in the car with him. I said sure, reminded him to becareful and asked if his chores were done - he said Yup.

So I sat down at the dining room table Fiance hands me a cocktail and says Just Calm down we'll get through this. But I couldn't calm down I was livid, irate & seeing red. The two kids are sitting downstairs playing their new video game (the 14 yr old is sick) without a care in the world and thinking they did a great job today - although the 14 yr old was told to stay in bed. I started making dinner and at 7 I went downstairs to remind manchild of his Job Interview at 8 pm at WalMart, He says oh ya thanks, any chance you could make me one of those steaks and just leave it in the frig for me? I'll heat it up when I get home later. And that's when all hell broke loose. I lost it. Started screaming like a lunatic with me finishing every sentence with get the F out you selfish SOB! Manchild is looking confused because he's not sure if I mean it or am just being crazy. 14 yr old is VERY upset as he idolizes his bro. Manchild now is screaming back I have no where to go and no money - I'm screaming back not my f'ing prob - u should have thought about that before buying a video game & pot. U choose to play video games today instead of looking for a job. U choose to play video games instead of doing the laundry. These are your F'ing choices and I'm sick up cleaning up your F'ing messes - get the f out NOW!!!!!!!

So he left and I'm folding the laundry trying to calm down and 14 yr old, Ben, starts telling me that I'm a shitty mom cuz I threw his Bro out w/ no money and no where to go and what kind of a mother does that. Zac doesn't have enough gas to get to his friends house, it's freezing outside and that Zac worked his ass of today and I'm ridiculous as my standard of living is too high. Ben goes to boarding school during the week so he doesn't see the day to day BS here. Ben continues that Zac does exactly what he's told and if I had wanted things done differently than I should have been home to supervise. I know he's 14 and doesn't understand but it just killed me more than throwing Zac out.

So now I realize that my MIL is sitting upstairs and I just behaved like a raging lunatic. She's never seen me angry in the 5 years she's known me. I'm always sweet and polite. I'm now embarrassed and have to come upstairs to apologize. She says Boy Oh Boy I never knew you were like that, I hope you don't treat my son like that when I'm not around. LOL - I said of course not LOL and with that I went in my room and cried for about an hour.  BTW she's a sweet old lady so there was nothing meant by her statement other than a joke to try and lighten the mood.   

About 2 hours Manchild comes home he doesn't have gas to get to his friends and forgot his coat in the haste to get out and wants to know if he can have his coat. My fiance asked me what to do - I said he could stay the night and we'll talk in the morning. So now that it's morning I've realized that I have behaved sooooo badly by screaming and then by allowing him to come back. I'm beside myself and have no idea what to do.  Not to mention I'm hoarse now. 

So any advice would be appreciated right now...

by on Nov. 13, 2011 at 7:12 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by Member on Nov. 13, 2011 at 7:23 AM
You have my hugs. I'll try to think of something helpful. I think you are right to have blown up, seriously. Manchild needs to know you are serious.
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by on Nov. 13, 2011 at 7:24 AM
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I say look at your outburst as a positive, you got it all off your chest.  Maybe not in the most productive way, but maybe now your DS will see how upset you are. 

Move on from there, the yelling and screaming are over.  Use this morning to sit down and calmly discuss what happened last night and EXACTLY WHY it happened. 

I don't think it would be wrong to apologize for your outburst, but follow it up with the very valid reasons why you lost your cool.  Something like, "I'm sorry I screamed at you last night, that is not how I wanted to handle it, but your behavior needs to change and this is what we need to do  . . . "  Let him know you don't want to kick him out, that you love him, but things have to change. 

Hang in there and definitely don't beat yourself up, we all lose it from time to time!!  

by on Nov. 13, 2011 at 8:43 AM

I know how you feel. I have been through this with my 21 yo son. It is hard and makes you question what kind of mother you are. Especially when your younger one tries to make you feel worse. You are not a shitty mom. You are trying to get your 19 yo to grow up and take responsibility for himself. Hope that your talk goes ok. Just remember that whatever you say to him to stick to it. If you don't you will go through it again. I learned that the hard way. Good luck and keep us posted to how it goes.  hugs

by on Nov. 13, 2011 at 8:44 AM

It's kinda surreal now after my 3rd cup of coffee - I haven't gone off the deep end in years.  I've been numb and tired for so long that I couldn't muster up the energy to fly off the handle.  What's funny is the last time I went bizerk was 3.5 years ago and it was on him too.  And it was the same argument - different details but the same root cause. 

I'm so conflicted right now - part of me says let's sit down and talk, give him the contract and hope and pray for the best and if it fails ask him to leave.  The other part says screw this and just tell him to leave today as I'm pretty sure he'll step up to the plate for a week maybe two and then just revert back to his usual ways.  I'm tired of walking on eggshells in my house, my fiance is fed up with him but says nothing to manchild and just points out everything that's wrong to me.  I'm stuck trying to get manchild to man up not only for himself but to keep my life peaceful with the fiance.  The Ex moved 6 aways hour so he is no help but then again he never was to begin with. 

I'm in some sick dysfunctional washing machine spin cycle that I can't figure out how to push the off button with.  Fiance says he loves my oldest but his actions and words say otherwise.  Or maybe I'm just reading the language wrong.  Manchild says he'll try harder but never does.  It's lip service from both of them and I feel like I'm drowning.  I'm questioning myself right now with am I throwing manchild out for his own good or am I choosing my fiance over my child so my life is happy again?  Am I just overthinking this?  Ugh - I sound crazy     

by on Nov. 13, 2011 at 9:00 AM

It hurts when they are gone especially when it happens in this negative way. Mine  has been gone a month.:(  Hopefully you guys can sit down and ask him to think about the reality of how it feels being out there like that. How it it could and should be. Make sure you are giving realistic things to do and get the games out of the house so he can be successful.  Don't forget to tell him how much you still love him. Stay calm.    I hope your son gets it right.

by Platinum Member on Nov. 13, 2011 at 9:18 AM
I think it was good for him to see the effect hes had on you. Keeping it in was giving him the go ahead on his lifestyle. Youre not choosing anyone over anyone, your choosing to move forward in life. He gets on board with your rules, contract if needed, or hes out. Make it HIS choice.
by on Nov. 13, 2011 at 9:23 AM

You don't sound crazy. It is so hard to go through this situation with your child. Sit down and talk with him. Tell him what he needs to do in order to remain in your home. When I went through this with my son we gave him a choice. He had to get a job, pay $200 a month in rent, clean up after himself, and do his own laundry or he had to move out. We gave him a deadline if he chose to stay. We are now approaching month six and he is sticking to the deal. If your son choses to stay make sure you stick to whatever was agreed upon or you will end up going through it all again. And you did not behave badly. You just got to the boiling point and couldn't take it anymore. Maybe that will help your son realize that he needs to manup and take responsibility for himself. Just remember you are not a bad mom by making your son take responsibility. Best wishes to you in whatever decision you make.

by on Nov. 13, 2011 at 9:36 AM

you dont sound crazy at all, and your not awful for having a moment of weakness and loosing your temper, your human and maybe its a good thing sometimes actions speak louder than words this may make him take the whole situation a little more seriously, sit down and talk to him, hopefully you can come to some decisions today so you can move on happily

by on Nov. 13, 2011 at 9:37 AM

You didn't behave badly at all as for your 14 year old I would have sat him down and given him a good talking to about his attitude.  You are not a "bad" mom for making your adult son take responsiblity for his own life.  And your 14 year old better wake up and get the hint because in four years he is going to be an adult and is going to need to be able to pull his own weight.  As for your mother in law...okay she has finally seen/heard you she knows your human, so what?  What you talk about with your oldest son is what you expect from him, how you expect him to get a job, to share in the household expenses, no more pot smoking in your home (what he does away from home you can't control) No more laying around the house doing nothing but playing video games, and that he is to help out around the house, especially picking up after himself, tell him if he wants a personal maid that they are about $200 a week and you're not going to pay for it.

by on Nov. 13, 2011 at 9:43 AM

I can relate.  What I did was sit down to discuss a reasonable firm date for my child to move out.  I was calm but serious.  I gave her 30 days to move out but she was able to move out in 2 weeks.  When my DD moved out she was bitter at first but now she's got her own apartment, a good job, great friends and is happy.  Our relationship is soooo much better now that we don't live under the same roof!  Good luck.

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