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Family conflict......HELP!

Posted by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 9:53 AM
  • 27 Replies

Hello Everyone!!

First let me start by giving you a brief overview of my situation. I have a 19 yr daughter & 22 yr old son. My family is a bit different in respect that I have a brother who is 28 yrs old and lives at home with my mom. So you see there really isn't too much of an age difference between my kids and their uncle. 28 yr old brother has now started dating a 21 yr old that my kids know and went to the same school district with during high school. Now my brother met her at his job in which he is a manager-she has left that job and gone to another one to avoid the conflict. Problem is my brother & my mother have been keeping this situation a secret from me and my kids until my daughter saw my mother become facebook friends with my brothers new girlfriend. I mentioned to my mom that my daughter saw her connecting as friends with this girl on facebook and she then said that they have started to take an interest in each other. Take it that there has been suspicion that they were seeing each other as my daughters friend works in the same place as my brother and of course can see things happen there and I have asked my brother several times jokingly but he always denied it. Now in talking to my other brother is closer to my age yesterday....I asked him if he knew anything and he started to talk but then said "oh I'm not supposed to tell you anything". My other brother has said he has met her and they all hung out at my moms the other night. Now my problem to this whole situation is the secrets and hiding things from me. I am very close to my mom and talk to her basically daily. I honestly don't have a problem with who my brother chooses to hang out with but frankly is a weird situation as my son had worked with & went on one date with this same girl when they were in high school. I feel like I cannot tell my opinion as for some reason this is a hush, hush situation. What do they think that they will just spring this on me at a family function? I don't feel like telling them details of anything going on with me in my life as I technically feel betrayed in a weird way. Can anyone shed some light on this situation so maybe I can see it from a different perspective?


by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 9:53 AM
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by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 10:13 AM
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So your brother who is 28 is dating a 21 year old that your kids know. I really dont' see a problem. If he was dating a 16 yo, I'd see the problem. they are both adults.

Why the secrets? I don't know. And won't begin to speculate.

Why are you struggling with this? Is there something you left out? I just don't get it. Maybe I missed something in translation.

by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 10:15 AM

Honestly, it doesn't seem like a big deal that your adult brother is dating an adult woman - even if he is your kids age.  They're adults, all of them.  My husband is 9 years younger than me, we have all sorts of weird age things in our family.  As long as they're adults, I'd be fine with it.

Are they not telling you because they feel you'd object, or something like that?  First, it isn't your place to object.  Second, I'd mention it to mom, and ask why you weren't supposed to know.  Your brother is 28, there is a good chance he is serious, and this woman may become part of the family.  You (and your kids) will just have to deal with it.

by Gold Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 10:25 AM
1 mom liked this

Your brother feels guilty and like he will be judged so he is keeping it from you. That's not a healthy sign for the relationship.

by Platinum Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 10:44 AM

Why don't you just talk to your brother in a normal way?

by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 12:25 PM

I don't begin to see the issue here.  If your son had 1 date with her big deal, he can always tease his uncle about dating or marrying his "leavings".  Anyway long story short, not your business, and if your family is disfunctional enough to be"hiding this", you all have bigger problems than new girlfriend.

by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:27 PM

For some reason, your brother must be embarrassed about dating this young woman whom your kids know and is around their age.   If you and your kids have a good relationship with your brother, you should just speak to him, and let him know that you know who he is dating.   This shouldn't be a huge deal, or cause conflict in your family.   It sounds like it is your brother's issue, to keep this a secret from you, so just try to rise above it.

by Mary Ann on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:45 PM

Personally, I agree with the above posts.  I don't see a big or even a small problem with this situation.  Tell your brother just that.

by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:52 PM

Well honestly I do not have a problem with my brother dating someone younger. To me age difference is not an issue once you are an adult. I feel that it is not my position to have a say in who he dates at all. My main issue in this is the fact I feel that my mom/brothers are keeping this information from me for some reason. When my other brother who was not involved in this said that he wasn't supposed to tell me something-that made me think!!! I feel why can't things be open! I know I would be perfectly fine if the information wasn't as though it is some hidden secret. I went to pick up my mom the other morning to go somewhere-normally when I go over we don't leave immediately-well she was waiting on the porch walking off it as I pulled up. Later I found this new girl was in the house with my brother. The only thing I can think of would be that if my brother says to us he is dating her that something will get back to his job as my daughters friend works there. However I don't see that as an issue as she no longer works there. When my brother dated in the past my mom would almost be excited to tell me my brother was seeing someone and tell me about her. I guess that is why I feel so awkward about this situation. My family can be different in the aspect of I really truly cannot feel like I can tell my honest opinion. Honestly my kids and I would all be perfectly fine if it was just said that they were dating. Issue being the hush factor is very bothersome.  

by Lisa on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:56 PM

same here

Quoting mac1940:

Personally, I agree with the above posts.  I don't see a big or even a small problem with this situation.  Tell your brother just that.

by Becky on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:16 PM
1 mom liked this

I'd go right to the 28 year old brother, ask him why the big secret, and then let him, and then your mother and other brother, know how it makes you feel to have them keep it a secret - in fact, they've lied to you about it.  Let them know how that makes you feel. 

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