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daughter is driving me crazy

Posted by on May. 2, 2012 at 7:31 AM
  • 19 Replies

she is getting a divorce (her idea) from a wonderful man who i love like he was my own son.  she has a boyfriend who bought her a house and will soon move in with her and my granddaughter age 8.  my granddaughter is my main concern.  she seems excited about the move because she;s been promised a new phone a new dog and new bedroom.  but she doesn't understand what the impact will be on her life.  my daughter is not forthcoming at all with me.  she won't let me meet the boyfriend and she just acts very secretive about the whole thing.  she is 39 years old and she's acting like a teenager.  i asked her yesterday what the custody agreement was and she said it's none of my buisness.  there is something really fishy about all this.  i would like any advice or thoughts about this.  thank you very much for reading this.

by on May. 2, 2012 at 7:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
louannwilkins
by Louann on May. 2, 2012 at 7:48 AM

I'm sorry your daughter is going through a divorce because they are never easy.  I also hope your gd will come through it ok.  Sadly theres not really anything you can do.  She is grown and will do whatever she wants anyway.  Hang in there and try to be supportive of her is what I would suggest.  :)

breakoutjoyfull
by on May. 2, 2012 at 8:16 AM
1 mom liked this

It is painful when our adult children do things that we feel are unhealthy or self-destructive.  I hope you are able to remain present in your grand-daughter's life.  Also, I hope you will choose to remain open to your daughter, (with healthy boundaries), especially so that you may be part of the grand-daughter's life.  I would suggest that although difficult to do, you do not take sides in this matter.  Also, I hope you will not say anything negative about the child's mother in the child's presence.  Your daughter will learn whatever she needs to learn through this experience, (or she may not), but, if you are able to remain open to her, if you can listen to her without advising/giving your opinion unless she asks, at least she may at some point become more open to sharing with you.  Another thought- if this man is abusive, (though you have said nothing to indicate it) he may want her to limit or cut off contact with her family.  Sometimes the abuse begins with the abuser appearing to meet all needs, but over time he exerts more and more control.  All the more reason to, as the last reply said, "Hang in there".  Wishing all of you the best.    

nana9106
by Darlene on May. 2, 2012 at 8:26 AM

 There are/were probably underlying problems with their marriage that someone on the outside couldn't see. She is grown and makes her own decisions concering herself and her DD. Just try to be there for your GD and let her know that nyou are always there for her. Good Luck!

terri-553
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 8:53 AM

Oh,I feel your pain,It is all about the grandaugther,we have one she just turned 7,I am always worried about her well-being.It is just the other way around here,She livesw/her Mom 45 minutes away,never know for how long they will stay there.,Just keep in mind that in the long run your daughter is an adult;she makes her life choices-look for that g/daugther.

jonnlilithsmom
by on May. 2, 2012 at 9:55 AM

my family loved my ex... he was the best thing since sliced bread... 

what they didn't know is he had been screwing around on me for 7 years before I finally left him... 
they also didn't know about the financial abuse, or the verbal/emotional abuse, or about the fact that he only showered once a week unless he was going out to see his girlfriend, or that he was absolutely opposed to using a laundry hamper, or learning to aim when he pee'd etc etc etc... things weren't all sunshine and roses, like they seemed to believe...

there was nothing harder when it came to leaving him than having to listen to MY FAMILY MEMBERS defending him, and telling me what a mistake I was making, when they really had no idea what I had been living with for the previous 10 years...

I've since moved 3500 miles away from my oh-so-supportive-family. 

it's your daughter's life, if you love her, support her... support your grand-daughter, and let your daughter decide what changes are necessary in her life.  it's her life, after all, and you can't know why she's made the decisions she has until she trusts you enough to tell you... give her the chance, by being just being there without judging.

CoeyG
by on May. 2, 2012 at 2:30 PM

Your daughter is an adult, and her custody agreement with her soon to be ex husband is none of your business just as the choices she is making for her daughter aren't up to you to approve or not.  The only advice I have is that you stay out of it because it isn't your life.

caro100
by Carol on May. 2, 2012 at 2:35 PM

All you really can do is hang out and see what unfolds, not much you can do.  Try to keep most stuff to yourself, but be ready, if granddaughter needs a place to go.  Wish our kids were smarter.  She might not want to let you meet BF because you love the SIL and she's afraid you won't give this guy a chance.  Hugs.

jabs54
by Jeanine on May. 2, 2012 at 2:45 PM
1 mom liked this

 Wow, she's moving in with a man and you've never met him?!  And that was very rude to say it was none of your business.  In my family it doesn't matter how old you are, you are not rude to your mother.  I agree it sounds "fishy".  I hope everything turns out ok.  Keep me posted.

CoeyG
by on May. 2, 2012 at 2:58 PM


Quoting jabs54:

 Wow, she's moving in with a man and you've never met him?!  And that was very rude to say it was none of your business.  In my family it doesn't matter how old you are, you are not rude to your mother.  I agree it sounds "fishy".  I hope everything turns out ok.  Keep me posted.

She is an adult, she can move in with whomever she wants to move in with, she doesn't need her mother's permission.  And what was rude with telling her mother that her divroce is none of her mother's business?  Her mother has no say in the divorce, custody of the children or anything.  it truly is none of her business.

homeskoolmama
by on May. 2, 2012 at 3:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm sorry that your dd is doing this and not being level with you. She is an adult but that is no excuse for rudeness.

Not your life, not your decision, but your child and it hurts when our kids/adults do things we don't agree with and things we see can be harmful, untruthful and so on.

I would lay odds the bf is married.

But so as not to be cut out of your dd life and not see your gd, I'd say just love her, pray for her and try to stay nuetral.


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