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CROSS ROADS OF LIFE-HOW TO KEEP GOING?

Posted by on May. 19, 2012 at 10:28 AM
  • 17 Replies
I have two adult daughters and a 6 yr old ss. My one daughter will be leaving me soon, to live with her sister down town. My other daughter has been living with her boyfriend for a few years now. I really don't know where those years went!

My younger daughter is going to college and working late hours. Then spending time with friends...as she should at her age but, I miss them very much!!!!!

My life has gotten so busy as well! Remarrying, starting our own buisness, and taking care of ss full time when he is here. I spend much more time with my ss than my girls. Don't get me wrong...I love my ss very much, but sometimes I need time with my girls too! It is hard enough that my DH can't love them the same as his son, mostly because of the age difference and coming into their lives when they were almost already adults!

My girls lost their dad when they were early teens and have missed out on having their dad there for all their mile stones...like boyfriends, learning to drive, graduation, jobs, college.....on and on.....

Yet, my ss is showered with everything from both sets of parents. I want my girls to have the same love and attention as my ss, but it doesn't seem possible!
Plus, my DH has no clue what its like to raise two kids to an adult, especially after losing a spouse to death!!

I just lost my mom, and want to make sure I spend these older years with them,but it seems with all the changes in life, we have lost touch with each other! I don't know if there's some anger that I remarried and or having a young ss but, it hurts very much not being able to spend time with them like I would like and not having my DH wanting to do the same! I want hum to ALSO LOVE SOMETHING THAT IS PART OF ME, THE SAME WAY HE LOVES HIS SON THAT IS PART OF SOMEONE ELSE. I wanted one child together. He did not! That hurts everyday and fills me full of resentment as well.

A cross roads in life that is very SCAREY, stressful and makes me very sad! And the only family I have is my dad who is a state away and a brother that is far away as well.
But, starting a full time self employed buisness, finances being a huge issue...and taking care of ss, I can't just come n go like I use to! I'm reaching out to anyone else in a similar situation!!!!!



by on May. 19, 2012 at 10:28 AM
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Replies (1-10):
EireLass
by Gold Member on May. 19, 2012 at 1:16 PM

I probably don't really have good advice. I think this deserves a great big discussion with your husband. Tell him all that you've told us. Pour your feelings and fears, and resentments out. Yes, even the resentments. He should learn to understand that it's normal for you to have all these feelings. All of these issues could be a breaking point for your marriage, so he deserves to know your feelings, but also know he doesn't have to fix them (you know how men are fixers). He may recognize his own shortcomings if you approach it in a certain way, and he may start acting on them.

CoeyG
by on May. 19, 2012 at 3:53 PM

First of all you need to talk to your daughter regarding possible anger issues.  Only they would know what iis in their hearts and minds no one else can tell you.  As for your husband and his son.  Sorry your kids ar grown, I can understand how he feels, he doesn't know your daughters, he probably hasn't spent much time with them so how can you even expect him to love them the way he loves his son?  As far as your step son...remind your husband that he is his son and that the time his son is with you is supposed to be time between father and son.  Then take that time and go visit with your girls.

EireLass
by Gold Member on May. 19, 2012 at 5:22 PM

Exactly.

Quoting CoeyG:

First of all you need to talk to your daughter regarding possible anger issues.  Only they would know what iis in their hearts and minds no one else can tell you.  As for your husband and his son.  Sorry your kids ar grown, I can understand how he feels, he doesn't know your daughters, he probably hasn't spent much time with them so how can you even expect him to love them the way he loves his son?  As far as your step son...remind your husband that he is his son and that the time his son is with you is supposed to be time between father and son.  Then take that time and go visit with your girls.


dukegirl01
by on May. 19, 2012 at 5:52 PM
First, thank you for the responses! And you are absolutely right!
I have tried to talk to my DH, buy he just thinks I should smile and everything is great.
He gets angry if I say anything. We are trying to just "talk". Maybe counseling would be neutral ground.
CoeyG
by on May. 19, 2012 at 6:23 PM


Quoting dukegirl01:

First, thank you for the responses! And you are absolutely right!
I have tried to talk to my DH, buy he just thinks I should smile and everything is great.
He gets angry if I say anything. We are trying to just "talk". Maybe counseling would be neutral ground.

So he gets angry, do you not have a say in what goes on in your marriage?  Yes counsling might help....

dukegirl01
by on May. 19, 2012 at 6:27 PM
Thanks coeyg, for your response as well. Yes, I agree...no one else can tell me what my girls are thinking.....I was venting out loud. But, I do plan on having some real heart to heart time with them.
Also, I agree that when my ss is here, there should be father/son time...and he does. But, we have such a unique situation. We have started a new buisness, finances have been harder than any time in my life! We don't work normal hours. Sometimes we have customers come in evening ...sometimes short notice and we do not have money for a sitter or family close by, so of course my ss and I spend lots of time together.

My DH does sneak lots of time inbetween work with his son( mornings before school- which are from 8:30 when he gets up to 10 or 10:30 when he goes to daycare before school ,to all day some saturdays with him , to almost all day sun) .DH picks him up from daycare and spends a lot of after school time too. But, he sometimes has to work a little on weekends as well. This is not a choice but, how we keep food on the table. He does spend time with his son but, also with me.

So, then my ss and I may play together or go to a movie, or shopping, .....ss does love this time with me too. So,he is very close with me as well! But, even if I wasn't with him, one daughter works every weekend, then there's college, study time and of course, her friends. The other daughter works full time all week, gets home late and does either time with her bf, friends or catching up on chores. It just doesn't leave too many openings for them to spend time with mom.

Unless, you have your own buisness, it is very hard to imagine the crazy hours we have, as well as my girls spreading their wings....free time for mom, ends up last on their list. And I'm not blaming them for that. They should see their friends, go places with a bf...enjoy life....they are young. Plus, they are extremely busy with work and school.

As for me expecting my DH to be close to my girls.....I don't expect it , I JUST WISH IT WAS LIKE THAT and it makes me sa
d that it is NOT that way. If we wouldhave had one child together, he would be close to a child that was part of US. It's just hard to accept sometimes what we can not change!!!
I am thankful for my girls and that my ss loves me so much and calls me mom!

I have lost almost all of MY FAMILY and maybe these are where these feelings come from.

Sorry to ramble on so! Have kept a lot inside for so long!
Thank you for your great insight!!!!

busygramma4
by on May. 19, 2012 at 6:56 PM
Give your girls these couple of years and you'll be surprised how important mom is again.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
CoeyG
by on May. 19, 2012 at 11:56 PM


Quoting dukegirl01:

Thanks coeyg, for your response as well. Yes, I agree...no one else can tell me what my girls are thinking.....I was venting out loud. But, I do plan on having some real heart to heart time with them.
Also, I agree that when my ss is here, there should be father/son time...and he does. But, we have such a unique situation. We have started a new buisness, finances have been harder than any time in my life! We don't work normal hours. Sometimes we have customers come in evening ...sometimes short notice and we do not have money for a sitter or family close by, so of course my ss and I spend lots of time together.

My DH does sneak lots of time inbetween work with his son( mornings before school- which are from 8:30 when he gets up to 10 or 10:30 when he goes to daycare before school ,to all day some saturdays with him , to almost all day sun) .DH picks him up from daycare and spends a lot of after school time too. But, he sometimes has to work a little on weekends as well. This is not a choice but, how we keep food on the table. He does spend time with his son but, also with me.

So, then my ss and I may play together or go to a movie, or shopping, .....ss does love this time with me too. So,he is very close with me as well! But, even if I wasn't with him, one daughter works every weekend, then there's college, study time and of course, her friends. The other daughter works full time all week, gets home late and does either time with her bf, friends or catching up on chores. It just doesn't leave too many openings for them to spend time with mom.

Unless, you have your own buisness, it is very hard to imagine the crazy hours we have, as well as my girls spreading their wings....free time for mom, ends up last on their list. And I'm not blaming them for that. They should see their friends, go places with a bf...enjoy life....they are young. Plus, they are extremely busy with work and school.

As for me expecting my DH to be close to my girls.....I don't expect it , I JUST WISH IT WAS LIKE THAT and it makes me sa
d that it is NOT that way. If we wouldhave had one child together, he would be close to a child that was part of US. It's just hard to accept sometimes what we can not change!!!
I am thankful for my girls and that my ss loves me so much and calls me mom!

I have lost almost all of MY FAMILY and maybe these are where these feelings come from.

Sorry to ramble on so! Have kept a lot inside for so long!
Thank you for your great insight!!!!

You and your husband chose to go into business for yourselves.  that isn't the fault of his son.  It isn't up to the boy to sacrifice his father/son time to the business, it is still up to your husband to make the time to be with his son.  The boy isn't the one who chose to go into business, and it's too bad finances are hard because of it.   This is something both you and your husband should have thought about and pondered before going into that business.  Time with our children take sacrifices...

As far as being sad because your husband isn't as close to your adult daughters as you are his young son...in my opinion there is nothing to be sad about.  Again your daughters are grown, the dynamics are totally different and being sad about it isn't going to change that.  The best you can hope for I guess would be that they all become friends and the girls start coming around more.  However again they are adults and are living their own lives now.

LindaClement
by on May. 20, 2012 at 1:30 AM

What your children got at 6 was what they got. You can't compensate for whatever you think they missed out on, you can only live now.

Your husband will never love your girls the way you love his son for one really important reason: they simply don't have the contact with him. They never will because, as you say, they have moved on from that part of their lives to the next part. 

They will not go backwards to fulfill your desire for them to have something they don't have.

Look for the joy in the life you are living in the present moment or you will drive yourself crazy trying to straddle some bizarre fiction.

dukegirl01
by on May. 21, 2012 at 5:53 PM

Yes, CoeyG...we choose are buisness, so that life would evenually be better. Sometimes one does not know how it will all go until you are in those shoes! Again, NO ONE said it was the sons fault. Thats not at all what I was saying. Just that I, as well as my dh, do spend lots of time with my ss and I wish I could also spend more time with my girls. And I do get caught in the moment love my ss  and we have lots of good times together, but I do miss my girls as well.  No one knows how your life will change so drastically!! And where it will all lead.

No One expects my ss to give up or sacrifice time with his father. Everyone life is different. some people work different hours 1st, 2nd or 3rd shifts...some people waitress, some people bartend, this is what we do and for certain reasons, I have not mentioned it is busier than normal right now. But, when we have ss, my dh DOES NOT work as much. But, sometimes things can't be helped when a customer is coming to pay us and dh needs to explain what was done to the customers  things.   Because of that, I take over for alittle while as well. After all I am his stepMOM.  The word mom is in there too. And it is what I am.  ss has it pretty darn good!!

Hes very lucky to have my dh and I in his life. I really don't know 2 parents that spend more time with their kids. He is not sacrificing anything! And also, working is something you DO  for your kids, to make sure there is food on the table, so you can go to the movies, the zoo....

Remember, I have raised 2 childern from babies to adults and when their dad passed away, from age 11and 15 raised them with no outside help! So, I KNOW  what sacrifices are!!! Not an experience I reccomend to anyone.

I will not go into why finances are hard right now. It is not just because of the buisness.

I do respect your ideas and thoughts! And I do agree! I should not be sad. The relationship my ss and I have is great!! And I am very lucky for that!!!

You are also right, that my girls are adults and must run its course....

I don't mean to sound mad, just lots of dynamics here! Again thank you, CoeyG for all your responses!!

It all helps so much!

 


 

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting dukegirl01:

Thanks coeyg, for your response as well. Yes, I agree...no one else can tell me what my girls are thinking.....I was venting out loud. But, I do plan on having some real heart to heart time with them.
Also, I agree that when my ss is here, there should be father/son time...and he does. But, we have such a unique situation. We have started a new buisness, finances have been harder than any time in my life! We don't work normal hours. Sometimes we have customers come in evening ...sometimes short notice and we do not have money for a sitter or family close by, so of course my ss and I spend lots of time together.

My DH does sneak lots of time inbetween work with his son( mornings before school- which are from 8:30 when he gets up to 10 or 10:30 when he goes to daycare before school ,to all day some saturdays with him , to almost all day sun) .DH picks him up from daycare and spends a lot of after school time too. But, he sometimes has to work a little on weekends as well. This is not a choice but, how we keep food on the table. He does spend time with his son but, also with me.

So, then my ss and I may play together or go to a movie, or shopping, .....ss does love this time with me too. So,he is very close with me as well! But, even if I wasn't with him, one daughter works every weekend, then there's college, study time and of course, her friends. The other daughter works full time all week, gets home late and does either time with her bf, friends or catching up on chores. It just doesn't leave too many openings for them to spend time with mom.

Unless, you have your own buisness, it is very hard to imagine the crazy hours we have, as well as my girls spreading their wings....free time for mom, ends up last on their list. And I'm not blaming them for that. They should see their friends, go places with a bf...enjoy life....they are young. Plus, they are extremely busy with work and school.

As for me expecting my DH to be close to my girls.....I don't expect it , I JUST WISH IT WAS LIKE THAT and it makes me sa
d that it is NOT that way. If we wouldhave had one child together, he would be close to a child that was part of US. It's just hard to accept sometimes what we can not change!!!
I am thankful for my girls and that my ss loves me so much and calls me mom!

I have lost almost all of MY FAMILY and maybe these are where these feelings come from.

Sorry to ramble on so! Have kept a lot inside for so long!
Thank you for your great insight!!!!

You and your husband chose to go into business for yourselves.  that isn't the fault of his son.  It isn't up to the boy to sacrifice his father/son time to the business, it is still up to your husband to make the time to be with his son.  The boy isn't the one who chose to go into business, and it's too bad finances are hard because of it.   This is something both you and your husband should have thought about and pondered before going into that business.  Time with our children take sacrifices...

As far as being sad because your husband isn't as close to your adult daughters as you are his young son...in my opinion there is nothing to be sad about.  Again your daughters are grown, the dynamics are totally different and being sad about it isn't going to change that.  The best you can hope for I guess would be that they all become friends and the girls start coming around more.  However again they are adults and are living their own lives now.


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