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Why do our adult kids feel we are just here for them to hurt?

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My daughter is 19! She is generally a good person. But yesterday she was having a horrible day! She left her bedroom door open, so her Chihuahua went in and got her Victoria Secret underwear. She thought they were a pull toy apparently, and ripped them apart! (Okay it is really not funny because they are expensive, but her dog, her door, her fault!)

Then she had to wait for her brother who borrowed money from her last week. It was apparently my fault she had to wait. Not sure why! But, he never showed up. So, she called her boyfriend at 10:30 to come get her. He said if he does he will be locked out. All of the doors in his house get locked at 11pm. His stepmom has a 3year old and a 7year old. I don't blame her!

So, he decided to come get my daughter anyhow, and they were both locked out. My daughter came in my room, and said she is going to her cousins, because Dustin is locked out. I said well he can stay here on the couch. She said no this house stinks. I don't even want to stay here, let alone have him spend the night!

Okay now lets back this up! Three months ago we put her on our cell phone service. The deal was that SHE was supposed to clean the house in return for the cell phone. At the time she was living near her school, and going to college. She was supposed to come once a week and do a good cleaning. (I am not able to stand so, things like sweeping, dusting, and things of that nature are nearly impossible) She did that once. But, she has come to help do other things, and her dad keeps saying I will sweep, and I will do this and that. He works 2 jobs. So, I have been left to clean as little as I can. Of course the house that you are supposed clean stinks!!!!!

So, all though everyone (except me) seemed to gang up on her! She took it out on me. I cried myself to sleep last night. I am still crying writing this.

by on May. 19, 2012 at 1:02 PM
Replies (41-50):
CoeyG
by on May. 20, 2012 at 3:58 AM


Quoting LindaClement:

Not to put too fine a point on it:

Where is his house?

One of the victims of Paul Bernardo (a notorious serial killer and rapist in Ontario) was picked up in her backyard a few minutes after 11pm, after being locked out of her house by her mother who was equally convinced it was her parent's house, and their curfew rules were reasonable.

I'm not sure I associate someone coming in through a locked door with keys and re-locking it upon arrival with 'disturbing the people sleeping'... I don't know that it is an automatic or logical result.

Since movies around here are apt to end at 11:50 (and so are work shifts)... I never thought 11 was the 'be in or sleep in a bush' time.

Of course, I was also firmly of the mind that I'd very much prefer to be wakened at 2:51am to drive a drunk child home over, say, having one of it's drunken idiot friends drive it home. Just me.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting LindaClement:

I also wanted to comment on this:

Your 19yo has a boyfriend who doesn't have keys to his own house?!? Is he 12?

My daughter's boyfriend, when she was 17 (he was 20 at the time) had keys to OUR house! She had keys to his.

That's probably because it isn't his house, it's his parents house and they may have rules about what time everyone has to be in before the doors are locked.  They may feel that if he is old enough to go out and party until the wee hours then he is old enough to find a place to sleep rather than dissturb the other members in the house in those wee hours.


That would be you...not another family.  And I know that when some people have been out partying they come in very noisily and do indeed disturb everyone else.  There were so many times I had wish my father had lost his keys.  I needed to get up and go to school in the morning and he would fall in the door at all hours.  

I don't know many 19 year olds...and certainly even fewer 20 year olds who were home by 11:00pm after partying...Half of them don't even start partying until 10:00 11:00 pm.  If he wanted his own key then he should have had his own place...

CoeyG
by on May. 20, 2012 at 4:07 AM


Quoting lisamarie1265:

Quoting CoeyG:




My brothers and I had our own keys at 15... Ya know in case the folks weren't home when we got home from school.. It was our house too, we obeyed the rules of our given curfews, but if we were a little late, things happen, and if the doors were locked my mother sure as hell wasn't about to leave us out in the cold. Our girls had thier own keys at the same age... If I was late getting in from work because sometimes I had to stay I worked in a hospital, if second shift didn't show I had to stay, till someone showed.. my girls could get safely in the house from school, call me or thier father reset the security system and they were safe... Not in the street which is where you seem to think kids other than your own belong.....

IU don't care that you all had your own keys.  Some parents don't give their kids keys for the simple reason that when they go out partying they don't get in until "lord knows when"  and they wake everyone in the house up.  Maybe you don't mind it bur a mother or father who has to get up at 4:00 in the morning in order to be at work on time to secure a roof over the family's heads, put food on the table so the family doesn't starve, to pay the heating and cooling bills, medical insurance, car insurance etc...might not be happy being awakened at 2:00am by one of those family members falling in the door drunk or high waking the entire household.  Or maybe they don't trust their son.  I know kids who have had keys to the house and when mom and dad got home from working late found their house emptied out and Jr. with the house key long gone.   There are many reasons a parent may not want their kids to have a key to their home.  It could be the damned kid kieeps losing the key and his parents told him "lose it again and that's it".  At 19 it is his responsiblity to be where he needs to be in order to get into the house before the doors are locked...if he can't be that responsible...

lisamarie1265
by on May. 20, 2012 at 4:59 AM
Quoting CoeyG:



I didn't ask you if you cared or not... I really don't care what you think your bullying is niether cute or funny...
over55
by on May. 20, 2012 at 10:33 AM

We were just talking about the younger generations and the complete lack of respect they have for not only their parents, but any adult. I believe that children will live "up to" or "down to" your expectations of them. Children now have the idea that they are "entitled". When I was growing up it would never have occured to me to talk to my parent with such disrespect. Had I tried, I would have gotten a quick hand across my mouth. I've had just about enough of the parenting today with "time outs" and "explaining". Children do not have a say. They should do as they're told. Because I said so!

Sorry, this is really not about you. I feel bad that your daughter has hurt you this way. My stepson was over  yesterday very distraught. His 16 yr. old son blasted him with such profanity because he told him his grades better improve. He's failing math and science with below 60 marks. And my husband's youngest son who is 34 yrs. old has not spoken to him in 2 yrs. because of a argument over nothing. It kills me to see their hearts torn apart like this.

I say start demanding respect. Stand your ground. " You will not speak to me this way!"

 

jonnlilithsmom
by on May. 20, 2012 at 11:07 AM

honey, you've taught your daughter that you are there to walk on, so she does.

you need to stand your ground, even if you can't stand, and tell her how it's going to be... or she gets out... that simple... she doesn't want to help, then says she doesn't want to be there, so she doesn't have to be... use the money you save from feeding and keeping her, and her cell bill, to hire someone to come in and help with the housework!

CoeyG
by on May. 20, 2012 at 1:41 PM


Quoting lisamarie1265:

Quoting CoeyG:



I didn't ask you if you cared or not... I really don't care what you think your bullying is niether cute or funny...

and your point would be?

jknoel158
by on May. 20, 2012 at 5:44 PM

I feel for you, too. However, you are going to have to set some boundaries. Now that she is working and you are providing the transportation, you do have some control that your husband doesn't. Before her first paycheck comes in, tell her that she can either keep the agreement of cleaning the house and now pay you x amount of money for gas for transporting her to and from work, or she will have to find another way to work and another place for her dog and herself to permanently stay. If you continue to enable her, she will continue to abuse you. You have to teach responsibility, even though it is hard. While it is okay to have a bad day once in awhile, it is not okay to go back on an agreement. It is also not okay to verbally abuse you. Also, her boyfriend should never have left his house that night knowing the rules. Boundaries are healthy when set and kept. In the beginning, it always gets worse before it gets better, but it always gets better if you stick to them. I know from personal experience. I have an almost 24 yr. old married daughter, a SIL and 2 granddaughters. My DD has been difficult since birth and I have had to learn to set and keep boundaries w/her. 

Joy

Quoting connietrrll:

I end up giving the dog most of the attention.

We actually have a house full of dogs. Everyone except hers is fully potty trained! But there is hair and just overall dog stink, that needs to be cleaned up daily! So, you are right. Of course it stinks. Things need to be dusted and wiped down, and floors cleaned. She knows this, and comments all the time about it needing to be done. I have even said "I think that is why we pay for your phone!"

I don't think I am asking for much. I take her back and forth to work. She just started this week. I have not asked her for any gas money. I used my hidden stash to pay for her gas. I usually use that to get my hair cut, or buy a shirt, or something small for myself! She knows that. But, having her clean this house once a week sounds like a lot, except she only has to clean my room, the living room, and kitchen. Our house is less the 900sq feet. My living room is only 12-13, and my kitchen is even smaller.


Quoting Isiswolfe:

Hugs sweetie.Shame on her for treating her mother that way.Her 19 year oldness blinds her to the fact that responsibility comes before fun.And tha a Chihauhua needs alot of attention and are not born potty trained.Them lil things pee every where and if she is not cleaning up after it,Its gonna stink.How disrespectful.Tell her so mom!!!



connietrrll
by on May. 20, 2012 at 5:58 PM

We will be discussing it before her actions continue. I do not have a problem with her staying at her boyfriends over the weekend. I know where she is and what she is doing! (Sorry that was not really to JKNOEL158 it was to others that said something about her being out all weekend!)

Her father and I have discussed this all weekend. We are setting down some rules that she will need to follow. I will expect her to keep on the house work, and her own personal things!

I really knew the day was coming when she would do something like this. I have a 26 year old son, and he acted similar, but he was much older, and lived in his own place! So, he got mad and went home.

Quoting jknoel158:

I feel for you, too. However, you are going to have to set some boundaries. Now that she is working and you are providing the transportation, you do have some control that your husband doesn't. Before her first paycheck comes in, tell her that she can either keep the agreement of cleaning the house and now pay you x amount of money for gas for transporting her to and from work, or she will have to find another way to work and another place for her dog and herself to permanently stay. If you continue to enable her, she will continue to abuse you. You have to teach responsibility, even though it is hard. While it is okay to have a bad day once in awhile, it is not okay to go back on an agreement. It is also not okay to verbally abuse you. Also, her boyfriend should never have left his house that night knowing the rules. Boundaries are healthy when set and kept. In the beginning, it always gets worse before it gets better, but it always gets better if you stick to them. I know from personal experience. I have an almost 24 yr. old married daughter, a SIL and 2 granddaughters. My DD has been difficult since birth and I have had to learn to set and keep boundaries w/her. 

Joy

Quoting connietrrll:

I end up giving the dog most of the attention.

We actually have a house full of dogs. Everyone except hers is fully potty trained! But there is hair and just overall dog stink, that needs to be cleaned up daily! So, you are right. Of course it stinks. Things need to be dusted and wiped down, and floors cleaned. She knows this, and comments all the time about it needing to be done. I have even said "I think that is why we pay for your phone!"

I don't think I am asking for much. I take her back and forth to work. She just started this week. I have not asked her for any gas money. I used my hidden stash to pay for her gas. I usually use that to get my hair cut, or buy a shirt, or something small for myself! She knows that. But, having her clean this house once a week sounds like a lot, except she only has to clean my room, the living room, and kitchen. Our house is less the 900sq feet. My living room is only 12-13, and my kitchen is even smaller.


Quoting Isiswolfe:

Hugs sweetie.Shame on her for treating her mother that way.Her 19 year oldness blinds her to the fact that responsibility comes before fun.And tha a Chihauhua needs alot of attention and are not born potty trained.Them lil things pee every where and if she is not cleaning up after it,Its gonna stink.How disrespectful.Tell her so mom!!!




jknoel158
by on May. 20, 2012 at 6:31 PM
1 mom liked this

Great!! Steps in a positive direction... glad Dad is on board. :) A united front is the best way to go, if he doesn't back down. :) I just wanted to add one more thing as a suggestion: again from personal experience, it really doesn't mean anything if it is not written down. You may want to draw up a formal contract on the computer Before you sit down with her. This would consist of the rules and the consequences for not following the rules. It would also state the benefits of her following the rules, ie: cell phone, transportation to and from work, living in your home, etc. Everyone would sign and date it. 

She is an adult and needs to shoulder the responsibilities of an adult. You, as her parents, are allowing her the privilege of living in your home in order to help her out. That is not a right of hers and she needs to know that. She is taking everything for granted.

Way to go Mom and Dad!!!

Sincerely,

Joy

Quoting connietrrll:

We will be discussing it before her actions continue. I do not have a problem with her staying at her boyfriends over the weekend. I know where she is and what she is doing! (Sorry that was not really to JKNOEL158 it was to others that said something about her being out all weekend!)

Her father and I have discussed this all weekend. We are setting down some rules that she will need to follow. I will expect her to keep on the house work, and her own personal things!

I really knew the day was coming when she would do something like this. I have a 26 year old son, and he acted similar, but he was much older, and lived in his own place! So, he got mad and went home.

Quoting jknoel158:

I feel for you, too. However, you are going to have to set some boundaries. Now that she is working and you are providing the transportation, you do have some control that your husband doesn't. Before her first paycheck comes in, tell her that she can either keep the agreement of cleaning the house and now pay you x amount of money for gas for transporting her to and from work, or she will have to find another way to work and another place for her dog and herself to permanently stay. If you continue to enable her, she will continue to abuse you. You have to teach responsibility, even though it is hard. While it is okay to have a bad day once in awhile, it is not okay to go back on an agreement. It is also not okay to verbally abuse you. Also, her boyfriend should never have left his house that night knowing the rules. Boundaries are healthy when set and kept. In the beginning, it always gets worse before it gets better, but it always gets better if you stick to them. I know from personal experience. I have an almost 24 yr. old married daughter, a SIL and 2 granddaughters. My DD has been difficult since birth and I have had to learn to set and keep boundaries w/her. 

Joy

Quoting connietrrll:

I end up giving the dog most of the attention.

We actually have a house full of dogs. Everyone except hers is fully potty trained! But there is hair and just overall dog stink, that needs to be cleaned up daily! So, you are right. Of course it stinks. Things need to be dusted and wiped down, and floors cleaned. She knows this, and comments all the time about it needing to be done. I have even said "I think that is why we pay for your phone!"

I don't think I am asking for much. I take her back and forth to work. She just started this week. I have not asked her for any gas money. I used my hidden stash to pay for her gas. I usually use that to get my hair cut, or buy a shirt, or something small for myself! She knows that. But, having her clean this house once a week sounds like a lot, except she only has to clean my room, the living room, and kitchen. Our house is less the 900sq feet. My living room is only 12-13, and my kitchen is even smaller.


Quoting Isiswolfe:

Hugs sweetie.Shame on her for treating her mother that way.Her 19 year oldness blinds her to the fact that responsibility comes before fun.And tha a Chihauhua needs alot of attention and are not born potty trained.Them lil things pee every where and if she is not cleaning up after it,Its gonna stink.How disrespectful.Tell her so mom!!!





CoeyG
by on May. 20, 2012 at 6:36 PM


Quoting over55:

We were just talking about the younger generations and the complete lack of respect they have for not only their parents, but any adult. I believe that children will live "up to" or "down to" your expectations of them. Children now have the idea that they are "entitled". When I was growing up it would never have occured to me to talk to my parent with such disrespect. Had I tried, I would have gotten a quick hand across my mouth. I've had just about enough of the parenting today with "time outs" and "explaining". Children do not have a say. They should do as they're told. Because I said so!

Sorry, this is really not about you. I feel bad that your daughter has hurt you this way. My stepson was over  yesterday very distraught. His 16 yr. old son blasted him with such profanity because he told him his grades better improve. He's failing math and science with below 60 marks. And my husband's youngest son who is 34 yrs. old has not spoken to him in 2 yrs. because of a argument over nothing. It kills me to see their hearts torn apart like this.

I say start demanding respect. Stand your ground. " You will not speak to me this way!"


This didn't just happen, it has been going on since there has been teens/young adults.  Difference is that now with media the way it is it is more wide spread plus there are billions more people on this planet than 50 years ago as a result that many more teens and young adults.  Maybe where you were from kids didn't act this way but I recall many kids in my generation who did...My generation protesed a wa, burned draft cards as well as American flags, then we also went on and got the voting age down to 18, we didn't do it by being nice and polite either.  I don't believe in using physical violence against one's offspring.  I simply would not allow the disrespect in my home and that young adult would be out.   

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