Mom who believes in tough love but is worried about sons future

[Momwithhope23]

I am new to the group and hoping to meet other Mom's with similar issues/concerns.

To make a very long story short, I am a single Mom who has two boys age 22 & 20.  They both are living on their own renting  separate rooms in someone's home.  They both had disciplinary issues when they lived at home with me and did not feel that they had to follow rules, since they were adults.  They were both told that they had to live on their own.  It was also not an easy process to get them out of my home.

My hopes were that they would step up and see that they needed to become more responsible to support themselves OR realize what a good thing they had while living under my roof and agree to follow rules and could come back home.  The result is that they are both living week to week and not able to get ahead.  They struggle to try and pay rent and have money for food.  I know they only way that they could get ahead in this economy is to live at home, save money to purchase cars in order to get better jobs and try to take some college courses. 

One of my sons is just stubborn and doesn't want to admit that he has messed up and should have just followed the rules at home and my other son has drinking/drug issues and I am concerned that he will make life even harder for my other son. 

It is very tough for me to discuss this with other parents that have never had these major problems with their children.  I believe in tough love and not having kids live at home and just enabling them to be lazy and disrespectful.  On the other hand, it is breaking my heart to see the way that they are living with the potential that I know they have to live a better life. 

I would love to offer them to move back home, but I want to ensure that they would follow my requirements.  I have been researching contracts for adult children that live at home, but I am not sure how they could really be enforced.  (One of my son's told me a few years back that I could not kick him out.  There are more rights for kids today than parents and you really cannot just "kick" your kids out of the house.)

I would love to hear from other Mom's that have had similar situations and if you have had any success in dealing with these types of issues.  I would REALLY appreciate it!

 

 

[Why123]

Fortunately, I have never had to deal with those problems.  Welcome to the group and I hope that there are some other moms who may be able to help.

[nana9106]

 http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/templates/parent-child-contract-for-an-adult-child-living-at-home-TC030006832.aspx

Welcome to the group! It is so nice to have you here.

The above link is for a template for a contract for an adult child that lives at home. Maybe it is worth a shot? Hope it helps

[EireLass]

My step-son started going in the 'lazy lifestyle' direction, and before it got out of hand, I told his father that it was unacceptable to me to have someone like that in my home. He had a sit-down with him, and the son got angry and packed his bags and left. We never got to kicking him out, or ultimatums....just the conversation of unacceptable laziness. We knew he wouldn't end up on the street, he had enough good friends to lend him a couch. Well, he moved in with a good friends family, and right from the beginning, she (Mom) laid down the rules. Rent, food, etc. He works his butt off, as he had the rude awakening of 'living on your own'. He works 3 jobs, very hard worker. He bought a pretty expensive car.....silly to me, but he's a boy. He pays all costs associated with it. So it ended up being a good thing for him to leave.

Maybe in time, they'll learn the hard lesson? We never told Timmy he couldn't come home, we would always be there to catch him, but we've never said it outloud. And he's never asked.

[CoeyG]

Oh yes you can kick your adult kids out if they do not adhere to a contract they have signed.  My daughter lived with me as an adult, she signed a contract stating that as long as she lived with me she would have some type of income and pay half the rent as well as a portion of household bills and groceries.  She was not to bring drugs into the home and while I allowed alcohol consumption it was not on a daily basis, only occasionally and for celebratory purposes.  If she wanted to go  out and get drunk she was responsible for getting herself home or giving me a call if she was going to stay where ever she was.  (that is just plain common courtesy), we both signed the contract and I had it notarized.  Once your kids are adulst and put their name to any contract the terms of that contract are enforceable.  Your son was full of shit when he told you that you couldn't kick him out as an adult.  

I never had to envorce the contract, even though she was out of work and collecting unemployment before she moved out my daughter paid rent and took care of the cable and internet bills.  She helped with the groceries and even stopped up and helped me with my health issues.  If I needed her for something she was willing to help.  Her father offered her an oppritunity that had she passed it up I would have kicked her in the ass for doing so LOL...so she moved to Texas where she lives now.  

[louannwilkins]

 I hope you can figure things out.  It's good that you don't allow them to live at your house and do anything they want.  Hopefully you will get some good advice here but in the meantime feel free to vent away all you want.  We are good listeners.   :)

[Momwithhope23]

Thank you for the feedback....I really appreciate it. :-)

Sadly, with my oldest son, I did have to go to the police and they did tell me that I couldn't kick him out. I even went the route of trying to get a restraining order and that was denied.  I ended up buying a home and moving and that was when I got him to leave, since he wasn't coming to my new home with me.  (He was doing drugs and giving me a very difficult time. )  Very sadly, kids today have TOO many rights and make it difficult for  parents to parent sometimes.

[CoeyG]

Quoting Momwithhope23:

Thank you for the feedback....I really appreciate it. :-)

Sadly, with my oldest son, I did have to go to the police and they did tell me that I couldn't kick him out. I even went the route of trying to get a restraining order and that was denied.  I ended up buying a home and moving and that was when I got him to leave, since he wasn't coming to my new home with me.  (He was doing drugs and giving me a very difficult time. )  Very sadly, kids today have TOO many rights and make it difficult for  parents to parent sometimes.

Well someone is very wrong somewhere unless your oldest was still a minor.  I know that the contract my daughter and I both signed was ligal and binding.  Had she not complied I could have tossed her out.  She was an adult when she signed it right there at the Notary.  It isn't that difficult to parent these days...it just has to be done.  But I stopped being "Mommie" when my daughter became an adult.  She was responsible for her own and I made sure she knew that before she became an adult.  

[fanci64]

I know you want to help your sons and kicking them out and making them do it on their own was the best thing you could of done for them. If they are not willing to admit to what they did before and that they were wrong and are willing to sign a contract with you for living back home I would say they can stay right where they are and fend for themselves. My children are older than yours and went through some of the same issues as you are. Tough love is the only thing that works. Write up a contract and have them sign it and noterized that way it is a legally binding contract make sure it reflects the consequences that they will face for not following your house rules. I.E. Having to move out again or whatever guidelines you have set up. Good luck its not easy and can cause alot of tears and sleepless nights but it works as hard as it may be.

[hugss]

Welcome to the group ;)

I suggest you talk with each .. if they can't follow your rules then they can't come back home :(
The one with drinking/drug issues needs to want to get help .
With that being said I think you have done a very brave thing by having done what you have done.
Please keep us posted on what happens next & good luck :)

[suzeebloch]

Quoting Momwithhope23:

Thank you for the feedback....I really appreciate it. :-)

Sadly, with my oldest son, I did have to go to the police and they did tell me that I couldn't kick him out. I even went the route of trying to get a restraining order and that was denied.  I ended up buying a home and moving and that was when I got him to leave, since he wasn't coming to my new home with me.  (He was doing drugs and giving me a very difficult time. )  Very sadly, kids today have TOO many rights and make it difficult for  parents to parent sometimes.

How old was your son at the time you went to the police? I'm thinking even if he was a minor, there should have been some options - a friend of mine has a teenager with anger issues - that kid is living in a group home right now and also had a restraining order in place to protect his siblings.