Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

a daughter in law school who feels her summer money should be her own HELP

Posted by   + Show Post

My daughter is 22 years old and just finished her first year of law school. she has a paid internship (which are very hard to come by) in NYC. unfortunately with the 4 hour commute, she hates it. So, to make a long story short, she feels that she should be able to do what she wants with the pay checks as she is putting in a 16 hour day (just wait until she is an attorney) it is just her and I and we are extremely close. this is the first fight we have ever had, and it is a huge one! i told her that she can go out and do fun things on the weekend, but she has to put some money away for her expenses at school. She says that i should have NO say in what she does with her pay checks. i realize that she has been living away form home for almost 6 years now at school, and she feels that i am totally controlling

any advice?????

by on Jun. 27, 2012 at 11:13 AM
Replies (31-40):
caro100
by Carol on Jun. 29, 2012 at 6:38 PM

LOL

Quoting Esmrlda:

 

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting jabs54:

 

Quoting fran1123:

yes, she has student loans, but i am a single parent and i pay for all her expenses, books, insurance, credit card etc. what i meant when i said that she has lived away for 6 years, i was referring to her being away at college and now law school. she is home for the summers. my point was that when you have a child who has lived away and is now used to answering to no one, it becomes difficult when they do come home. i understand that she is growing up, but she is not there yet. she is not out on her own having to be responsible with a full time job etc. I know she kills herself in law school and she feels that she deserves to spend 400 on a tory burch bag, but i feel that she has to learn when to put away money and have some saved for school. for example, the law school cafeteria is not open on the weekends, so you can figure a good 60-70 right there on going out for food, etc.

 I wonder if she should pay for her own books, insurance, credit card etc.  Since student loans are paid off later she may not have a grasp on what everything costs now.  Oh, and don't get turned off by one or two rude people.  Most are very nice here.

And who would those "rude" people be?  

 confused


GypsyRayne
by Member on Jun. 29, 2012 at 6:39 PM

My dd has worked as long as she hsa been in school. She is 23, works part time, as much as she can and goes to school full time.

The first year she was away, I paid her rent, car ins and cell bill, she paid utilities, food and whatever else she needed.

Now I only pay her car ins, and cell bill, she lives with her bf, before she had room mates and they pay for everything. He is in school as well.

If she needs money for something I will give it to her, I buy her groceries sometimes when she comes to visit, because I want to. My dh fixes her car if it breaks down, things like this. I have 2 aunts that buy her things along, canned food, toilet paper, shampoo, just things they see on sale they know she will need.

My dd knows that she is responsible for paying her bills, she has never had a problem with it.

Just thought I would share this with you. I agree with you, yes your dd does need to save her money, to use when school starts back.

 

CoeyG
by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 6:50 PM


Quoting GypsyRayne:

My dd has worked as long as she hsa been in school. She is 23, works part time, as much as she can and goes to school full time.

The first year she was away, I paid her rent, car ins and cell bill, she paid utilities, food and whatever else she needed.

Now I only pay her car ins, and cell bill, she lives with her bf, before she had room mates and they pay for everything. He is in school as well.

If she needs money for something I will give it to her, I buy her groceries sometimes when she comes to visit, because I want to. My dh fixes her car if it breaks down, things like this. I have 2 aunts that buy her things along, canned food, toilet paper, shampoo, just things they see on sale they know she will need.

My dd knows that she is responsible for paying her bills, she has never had a problem with it.

Just thought I would share this with you. I agree with you, yes your dd does need to save her money, to use when school starts back.

 

If she lives with her boyfriend then why isn't he paying her cell phone bill?  Why isn't he buying the groceries?  Also why isn't she paying her car insurance bill?  Are you going to pay the hospital bill when she has a baby?  Are you going to pay to feed and clothe that baby for 18+ years?   If she is grown up enough to live with her boyfriend she is grown up enough to pay all of her own expenses  This is where these kids get the sense of entitlement from.

LeJane
by Bronze Member on Jun. 29, 2012 at 9:21 PM

Sometimes as parents,    we do too much for our kids.      As they grow, we need to let go and help them be responsible.      We have all made many mistakes.     If she has money and a job,  then she needs to be more independant and pay her own way.    She is taking you for granted/taking advantage.      It is great you are close but how is she towards you if you are not giving her everything she wants ?  

   She is young and it sounds like she is doing great.    Just keep going,  talk to her and let her know how it is.    It would be best if you have her pay for her own expenses.   She will have to budget.  Why should you have to pay for her as if she were still a child?    Learn from my mistakes.   It won't change unless you make it happen.   They will keep using your money if you let them.         

 You are right,  she needs to save.   If you don't have the power over that,  atleast have her pay for her phone and car insurance or any other things she would have to pay if you weren't there.   

Bmat
by Barb on Jun. 29, 2012 at 9:49 PM

When I was 21 I was mostly on my own. I visited my parents on holidays, and had free room and board there in the summer until I graduated at 23, but I did contribute to the family finances with my summer job money.  I worked in grad school to pay my own tuition and expenses. I didn't expect my parents to pay my way, not that I would have turned them down if they'd offered. :) 

Quoting LeJane:

Sometimes as parents,    we do too much for our kids.      As they grow, we need to let go and help them be responsible.      We have all made many mistakes.     If she has money and a job,  then she needs to be more independant and pay her own way.    She is taking you for granted/taking advantage.      It is great you are close but how is she towards you if you are not giving her everything she wants ?  

   She is young and it sounds like she is doing great.    Just keep going,  talk to her and let her know how it is.    It would be best if you have her pay for her own expenses.   She will have to budget.  Why should you have to pay for her as if she were still a child?    Learn from my mistakes.   It won't change unless you make it happen.   They will keep using your money if you let them.         

 You are right,  she needs to save.   If you don't have the power over that,  atleast have her pay for her phone and car insurance or any other things she would have to pay if you weren't there.   


CoeyG
by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 10:35 PM

When I was 22 I had been on my own for five years.  I had put myself through cosmetolgoy school (Yeah I paid for it) I worked two part time jobs prior to getting my cosmetology license, I paid all of my own bills, rent, I purchased a new car by myself, it was paid for the day I dorve off the lot with it.  I paid my own car insurance, had a phone but in those days they were landlines and yes, I paid the bill on that as well as cable bill and electric bill.  Everything I owned, bed, sofa, chair, television, stereo, clothes, shoes, groceries, I paid for myself.  

nsparky1964
by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 10:43 PM

are you paying for college...or did you???

she's lliving under your house now right??? are you paying her bills? 

if so, then damn skippy you have every right in the world to say something...kids need to learn how to budget...not just piss it away or put it on a credit card.... or hit mom and dad up...you know cuz we're nothing more than ATM's!!

GypsyRayne
by Member on Jun. 30, 2012 at 8:38 AM

If she lives with her boyfriend then why isn't he paying her cell phone bill? Why isn't he buying the groceries? Also why isn't she paying her car insurance bill? Are you going to pay the hospital bill when she has a baby? Are you going to pay to feed and clothe that baby for 18+ years? If she is grown up enough to live with her boyfriend she is grown up enough to pay all of her own expenses This is where these kids get the sense of entitlement from.

Her cell phone is on my plan, it's like 10$, Her car ins is also on my plan, it's like 30$ as she drives an old car I bought her a few years ago. It's not like I'm going broke helping her and I want to do it. They are very small things to me and she appreciates them.

I never said I buy her groceries, I said I buyt her some groceries sometimes when she comes to vist, normally they buy their own. She does very well actually, she is into couponing and buys what she has coupons for and what's on sale. Beliive it or not I taught her well in that area.

To answer your question, if she has a baby, no, I would not support it and no she would not expect me to. She knows how not to have one and she also knows that accidents do happen. And she would be responsible if she were to have a child.

My dd does in no way have a sense of entitlement.

suzeebloch
by Ronna on Jun. 30, 2012 at 9:02 AM

My daughter went through a period of the sense of entitlement - and took advantage of the fact I had money.  She never seemed to really appreciate it and whined when I had to say no.  Johnny, on the other hand, has always been appreciative of the fact I help him, and I truly don't mind.  It's all in how it's received - if the child is grateful and appreciative or not.   I used to explain to my husband that at the dinner table, when he would grunt, "gimme the salt!" it caused me to feel "used" but if he would have just merely asked, "Could you please pass me the salt?" it would have made all the difference in the world.  Kids and our money are the same way, in my opinion. 

fran1123
by on Jun. 30, 2012 at 10:46 AM

COEYG: I honestly believe that you are not reading my posts, as your comments are totally not relevant! It is sad that you were on your own since you were 17 years old! And wonderful that you worked and lived on your own. However, I am talking about something that maybe you cannot relate to. My daughter spent 4 years away at college (and graduated at the top of her class) and now is going into her second year of law school! In law school, you are putting in 12 -14 hour days, 7 days a week! the stress and work load is nothing that anyone could imagine, ans she is smart (except that being smart in college had nothing to do with  law school, because everyone is smart and it is a wake up call for her as she is now NOT the best. She is just plugging along and doing the best she can)Until i had to rush and hour and a half away to the ER, because she was having anxiety attacks and had severe exhaustion, i did not know what she was actually going through. YES, i do help her with her expenses as there is NO TIME in law school to even have a part time job! She was chosen as a "research assistant " to a law professor where she would work 7 hours a week doing research, and she could not even do that (she is now also doing that over the summer along with her other job)OH and BTW: just so you have a clearer picture, her textbooks for just one semester is close to 1200.00!


Thanks to all who wrote and shared their personal feelings. To also clarify, she has always worked 2 jobs in the summer since she was 15 years old and saved for school.it just seems that as she is now in law school, (college was approx 40,000 a year and law school is now up to 63,000 without books etc) i was unprepared for all the additional expenses, like the dinning hall not being open on weekends, triple the amount in books etc.


We did come to an understanding!!!!! (although things are still not the same) She can have 100 of her paycheck a week, and the rest will go into her savings.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN