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Daughter's due in October, the father is a joke...

Posted by on Jun. 30, 2012 at 10:01 AM
  • 29 Replies

      First and foremost it goes without saying that I am not perfect.  I never have been nor will I ever be.  I was in an abusive marriage (my second, not my daughter's father) for many years which not only affected me, but also affected my daughter.  I, in my infinite wisdom (stupidity) thought I was doing what was best for her.  However, she too has many scars as a result.  No need to beat me up about it as I have done enough of that myself.  I have since moved on, knowing that I cannot change the past, only my future.  I did get out when she was about 16.

     She always swore she would never have a relationship like mine.  Well, duh, she now does.  I feel for her situation.  I have given her the knowledge and she has lived through what an abusive relationship does to a child.  Her friends keep telling her he is useless.  And, well, he is.  She pays the bills he helps her here and there.  She just does not see it and I know I cannot make her, been there, done that.  She has to realize it on her own.  My only hope is that she wakes up before she has their child.  He is so attached to his mother, almost as if he is in a relationship with her.  He gives his mom money and spends most of the rest on himself.  He is but a child in a man's body (sort of).

     His whole family is unreal.  His youngest brother who is now maybe 10 is soooo overweight, his sister started smoking at like 13 years old, he himself was in trouble with the law before the age of 18, and his other brother from this mother is the only one who seems normal.  He has several half siblings as his father was quite um... well... the naughty man.  His siblings are from several different mothers.  In short he has had no values given to him, no manners, nothing was taught to him that should have been.  He is rude, obnoxious, and quite literally an ass.

     While I can tell my head that there is nothing I can do, I cannot tell my heart.  She is my child, my one and only child.  After her I had a miscarriage, and then well, just could not have anymore.  She is what I have lived my entire life for (always wanted children, when I had her, I gave her everything I could, not monetarily).  She is my hopes and dreams, she is my everything.  I was an over protective mother, even if I would have had more I would have been equally over protective.  It is just how I am.  I know she knows that she is not in a good relationship.  I know that she knows it is not good for her child.  She has told me so.  She just wants a family and I do not begrudge her of that.  There is somebody out there that will treat her with the respect that she deserves.  I do not want her to waste her life on a man that is not worth the effort.  She is not happy she told me so. 

     Any and all words of wisdom would be apprecciated.

by on Jun. 30, 2012 at 10:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
stuswf
by Bronze Member on Jun. 30, 2012 at 10:11 AM
2 moms liked this
Live & let live

Love her & that grandbaby all you can

Keep an open heart, mind & arms

When the time comes, she'll make a decision on her own, she is evolving into her adulthood.

Sounds like you have all of the qualities I posted about, .....good going mama! Just keep on keeping on!
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jabs54
by Jeanine on Jun. 30, 2012 at 10:11 AM

 Sorry :(   Let's hope he leaves her.

Malley
by on Jun. 30, 2012 at 10:26 AM
Encourage her to list "father unknown" on the birth certificate and give the baby her last name- our lawyer's advice. My dd didn't for her first one and regretted it.
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Momndaughter
by on Jun. 30, 2012 at 10:33 AM

I tried telling her that, but her father told her otherwise so she is giving the baby his last name.  Can you tell me why your lawyer gave you that advice? and tell me why your daughter(?) regretted it?

Quoting Malley:

Encourage her to list "father unknown" on the birth certificate and give the baby her last name- our lawyer's advice. My dd didn't for her first one and regretted it.


LadySaphira
by Lisa on Jun. 30, 2012 at 10:40 AM

As you said, children live what they learn. I have a friend who is married to someone who is a serial cheater and is verbaly and financialy abusive. She complains about it all the time and constantly tells her teenage daughters not to let a man treat them that way but yet she continues to allow herself to be treated badly. Her 17 yr old is now in the same kind of relationship and she "doesn't understand why". You cannot change the past, so don't beat yourself up over it. The best you can do is let your daughter know that you will help her in any way possible if she decides to end the relationship and love her.

louannwilkins
by Louann on Jun. 30, 2012 at 11:07 AM

 I feel for you and her.  Don't beat yourself up.  It won't change anything and all you can really do is be there for her.  It sounds like she already knows that you are.  Life is tough and I think a lot of us if we could have handled some things differently we would.  Hopefully she will see that he isn't good for her but in the meantime all you can do is love her and support her.  Good luck and feel free to vent to us anytime.    We all have problems of some kind and this is a good place to talk about it.  It will usually make you feel better.   Hang in there.    :) 

EireLass
by Gold Member on Jun. 30, 2012 at 11:35 AM

This sounds like my brother and his daughter. She's very motivated, has an excellent job, makes a decent pay. She's with a loser of a boyfriend, who hasn't worked in forever. He gets fired from gas stations, convenience stores, etc. So he sits at home, not cleaning or cooking, playing video games. She comes home and cleans and cooks. She got pregnant (she's about 24). Her parents told her if she wanted to abort they would fully support it....which I was very surprised at, as they're pretty conservative. But they didn't want her to be 'hooked' to this loser forever....they hoped she'd see him as he is and move on. Well, she had the baby about a month ago. The boyfriend is an AMAZING father! He takes care of HER (she had a c-sec, and was pretty sore and lame going home), and the BABY. She said she hasn't changed a diaper yet! We'll see what happens over time. She doesn't trust his skill enough to leave the baby with him when she goes back to work, so she's told him at the end of her 8 week maternity leave, they will be moving the hour back near her parents, and her Dad will care for the baby every day....he can go pound the sidewalk looking for a job. So as a supporter financially of his little family....NO. As a Dad? Yup. Ya just never know.

amonkeymom
by on Jun. 30, 2012 at 11:39 AM

Unfortunately, we can't force others (even our own children) to do what we want them to do.  It sounds like your daughter is going to need to learn her lessons the hard way.  I do hope that she remains safe though.

hugs

CoeyG
by on Jun. 30, 2012 at 12:32 PM

She has to walk her own path and learn her own lessons as you did.  I'm sure that somewhere along the way as you were going through it all there were people advising you to get out of it...and yet you stayed.  As far as not naming the father, well that can backfire on her.  At least with his last name she can file for child support from him, if he isn't fourthcoming with CS she can get welfare and they require the father's information because even if he isn't paying CS they will go after him to repay any welfare that is spent on the child, more and more states are doing this and the states also charge interest in what they are owed.  If he works his tax refunds will be used towards any repayment of CS he would owe, wages would be garnished and if he lost a job...first place unemployment pay goes these days is towards any Child Support owed.  It is automatically taken off the top.  If a lawyer advised me not to have the father's name put on the birth certificaqte I would find another lawyer.  

Malley
by on Jun. 30, 2012 at 1:19 PM
Not true. His name doesn't have to be on the BC in order to get child support.

Quoting CoeyG:

She has to walk her own path and learn her own lessons as you did.  I'm sure that somewhere along the way as you were going through it all there were people advising you to get out of it...and yet you stayed.  As far as not naming the father, well that can backfire on her.  At least with his last name she can file for child support from him, if he isn't fourthcoming with CS she can get welfare and they require the father's information because even if he isn't paying CS they will go after him to repay any welfare that is spent on the child, more and more states are doing this and the states also charge interest in what they are owed.  If he works his tax refunds will be used towards any repayment of CS he would owe, wages would be garnished and if he lost a job...first place unemployment pay goes these days is towards any Child Support owed.  It is automatically taken off the top.  If a lawyer advised me not to have the father's name put on the birth certificaqte I would find another lawyer.  

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