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Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

The nuclear meltdown has begun.....

Posted by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 3:33 PM
  • 17 Replies

 I cried for almost an hour today.  I was smacked with the reality that my youngest is now a ManSon instead of just a son.  I think him leaving for a year to serve in Korea might have something to do with, and the fact that his girlfriend is more involved in his life than I am (not because of anything bad, probably because that's what happens when you get older.)  I'm not handling the childish behavior of the girlfriend very well, and don't like seeing my son upset over it.  I've been told repeatedly to mind my own business by other women who "hate their meddling mother in laws".  How do you let go?  How do you make yourself see your child as an adult and let go, dammit!!

by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 3:33 PM
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Replies (1-10):
dreamweaver56
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 4:21 PM
2 moms liked this

Its a long, hard process. Think of it this way...what if there was something wrong and he never grew up? Remember the cheers when he took his first step? Said his first word? This is just another first for him; don't be sad for him, stand up and applaud ! He's doing something of value with his life by serving.

As for the GF, its his choiceto be in the relationship, whether she's a Rhodes scholar or a true dum dum. Yes, do keep your opinions to yourself unless asked. The whole idea is to maintain a good relationship with him, and a civil one with her. In the long run, you'll come out on the winning side.

I purposely didn't mention his first day of school til now...you did get thru it, right?? So it is with this.

nana9106
by Darlene on Jul. 10, 2012 at 4:34 PM

 It is soooo hard! My son is 28, and a Staff Sargent in the Marine Corps, but when i look at him i (in my minds eye) see a 10 year old. He is about to be married for the second time...it is hard to decide where exactly you fit in right now. But your position will always and forever be his mom. You fit in exactly where you did before. He is doing exactly what you raised him to do...be a productive part of our world. Defending and protecting us and his country, just as you defended and protected him growing up. You did a great job mom! Now, the GF is not your concern (sorry if that is harsh) let him handle that...it really is better to bite your toungue and let things happen. If she is not right for him, he will figure it out. (((HUGS)))

Bmat
by Barb on Jul. 10, 2012 at 4:40 PM

((hugs))

It is hard to know when to not say anything.  A friend of mine said that if a mom or dad sees their child (adult or not) about to make a bad decision, that it is part of being a parent to express concern and why. But then to back off and let the child make their own choices. In the case of the girlfriend, if it becomes a permanent relationship, then anything you say against her could be remembered. Consider whether saying anything would have any positive result. He knows that she is acting childishly, for example.

louannwilkins
by Louann on Jul. 10, 2012 at 5:43 PM

 It IS hard but you can do it.  You just have to step back and realize that you will have a different kind of relationship.  Treat him the same as you would any other adult.  Of course you will still love him the same and probably look at him and still SEE a kid.  lol  It takes a little time and getting use to but it will all work out.  Your relationship will be just as good.  As for the gf...ugh....let him deal with it and kill her with kindness.  lol

CoeyG
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 5:51 PM

I think it is hard when we wrap our entire lives around our children rather than have something else going on on the side.  When we have no other interests during the time they are in school, for the time they are out with friends/dating.  It is difficult when we mourn the "loss" of our babies rather than celebrate the fact that we helped create a respectful, respectable, productive adult.  Rather than shining the light on what they used to be we need to shine tht light on their future.  We also need to remember that while the person they are with might not have been our choice they are entitled to make those choices themselves and that we can either accept  that choice or face possibly losing our child altogether.  You son can deal with his girlfriend himself you getting upset isn't going to help him.  This is a lesson he needs to learn himself, you do need to butt out.  

DixieL
by Dixie on Jul. 10, 2012 at 6:03 PM

When my son was twenty he left home to prove he could support himself. I cried my eyes out for weeks. He had a friend that was a girl who lived in Michigan. She moved to Vegas where we are and she became his roommate. After a time she became his girlfriend. After a year and a half they came over and asked if we would like to rent a house together with them. I jumped at the chance to have my son back again. My son is married and now I have a dil. We are all four now buying a house, so we will be together the rest of my life and I'm very happy with that. My mom had a hard time with her daughters leaving home. I stayed until the day I got married at twenty seven. I don't know how to get used to it.My son is my heart and soul. I try not to let myself get too much in his life and business. I wish I could help you. I would still be the same way as you are if my son had stayed gone. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. Good Luck to you

CoeyG
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 6:18 PM

I have never cried when Shannon has left.  Yeah I had a lump the first time I took her to the airport to go visit her dad but I was able to go into the boarding area...until she was 21.  Then I had to give her a hug and a kiss and a "Call me when you get there" while she headed for the boarding area by herself.  I will admit to my eyes getting watery that time.  When she moved out with her friend I helped her pack and move her things to the new place.  I helped her pack up and move back with me too LOL.  This last time I helped her get the things she wanted her dad to pick up to the door when he came to get her dog because he was in New York moving stuff to Texas.  

When I took her to the airport this time it would have been such a hassle to get out of the car because I would have to park then get a small O2 tank set up for the walk from the parking lot to the terminal only to do the hug and kiss and "call me when you get there" So I just drove up, parked briefly, the cop there gave me the okay to get out of the car for a couple of minutes to give her the hug the kiss and "Call me when you get there" ....and my eyes were dry and have been.  Yes I miss her but I haven't cried about it.

sonogal
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 6:58 PM

I wish I could relate - I really can't.  I loved my boys as children, but I raised them to be independent men and was happy for them when they were ready to fly.  The empty nest was weird for me, not because I was upset when the youngest left but because I missed the interaction with him as an adult.  (Not to mention having to actually have conversations with DH, lol)

Do your best to keep your mouth shut when it comes to the girlfriend.  YDS's gf lived with us for a while and I could see that there was no way she would make a good wife - as it turned out, the relationship didn't last.  YDS was heartbroken but with time got over it.  It would have pushed the two of them closer together had I told him my opinion. 

DesignGirl450
by Lynda on Jul. 10, 2012 at 8:14 PM

That is tough for him to be going to serve in Korea, and the letting go doesn't happen overnight.  If his girlfriend is being childish, maybe they won't stay together after their year apart.  Either that, or perhaps she will grow up a little. 

caro100
by Carol on Jul. 11, 2012 at 2:14 AM

I am sorry you're having this meltdown.  We forget we raise them to be independent and then when they are, we miss them and cry.  Hugs.

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