Should we start offering an allowance to our 17 year old?
SD moved in about a year ago at 16 1/2. Dad has never paid any of the kids an allowance because they lived with the biomom and he pays a generous child support. SD does have some entitlement issues and wants more so we required her to get a part time job this summer to pay for extras. We provide room, board, special foods, toiletries, minimal gas for to/from work/school, back to school clothes, etc.
SD will not be working during school as she has been struggling with school and her job is to graduate. SD says she feels uncomfortable asking us for money and has asked for an allowance. First, would you start paying one, If so, what amount would you offer weekly? We have always paid her to babysit her 2 1/2 year old sister or do extra cleaning if she wants extra money. We have help pay for her debate trips with spending money and on occassion to do stuff with friends. However, this is a huge cut in what she is used to when living with her biomom who is a spender and whose love language is "gifts." Please help!!!
Quoting jabs54:
Quoting Esmrlda:
I never gave dd an allowance growing up because I believed that I shouldn't have to pay her for pitching in in the household. But I did give her money to go with her friends to the movies and what not. We never paid Sd an allowance but when nephew moved in he was accustomed to having an allowance of 5.00 a week so to be FAIR we started paying her an allowance also. When nephew moved out we stopped giving her an allowance and the quality of her work went down hill and was non existent and she started to complain that she wasnt getting any money so why should she do a good job? So we told her that she need to pitch in and why should we pay her to help out around the household, that her room an board, food, clothes, warmth. blah, blah, blah speech.
I guess it could go either way, they do chores, they learn responsibility, they do a good job, you give them an allowance, it teaches them a good work ethic, it teaches them the value of money.
You dont pay them they help out and you give them money anyway just like a bonus.
That's exactly why you shouldn't pay kids for chores or grades. They need to learn to take pride in doing a great job at whatever they do. That is the reward, not money.
She did a half ass job anyway with everything before that. She actually did a decent job when she was getting paid. She dosent know what pride in doing a good job is all about. Trust me I have tried to teach her. She dosent care and she is lazy.
I think whatever motivates your kid. Every kid is different. What works for one may not work for another. Money motivates her so that I WONT have to REDO the job or bitch to her about doing it again, and again and again. I think when she comes back from her moms for the school year she will get her allowance again. It just "works" and she is actually very good about her money and being responsible.
Quoting Esmrlda:
Quoting jabs54:
Quoting Esmrlda:
I never gave dd an allowance growing up because I believed that I shouldn't have to pay her for pitching in in the household. But I did give her money to go with her friends to the movies and what not. We never paid Sd an allowance but when nephew moved in he was accustomed to having an allowance of 5.00 a week so to be FAIR we started paying her an allowance also. When nephew moved out we stopped giving her an allowance and the quality of her work went down hill and was non existent and she started to complain that she wasnt getting any money so why should she do a good job? So we told her that she need to pitch in and why should we pay her to help out around the household, that her room an board, food, clothes, warmth. blah, blah, blah speech.
I guess it could go either way, they do chores, they learn responsibility, they do a good job, you give them an allowance, it teaches them a good work ethic, it teaches them the value of money.
You dont pay them they help out and you give them money anyway just like a bonus.
That's exactly why you shouldn't pay kids for chores or grades. They need to learn to take pride in doing a great job at whatever they do. That is the reward, not money.
She did a half ass job anyway with everything before that. She actually did a decent job when she was getting paid. She dosent know what pride in doing a good job is all about. Trust me I have tried to teach her. She dosent care and she is lazy.
I think whatever motivates your kid. Every kid is different. What works for one may not work for another. Money motivates her so that I WONT have to REDO the job or bitch to her about doing it again, and again and again. I think when she comes back from her moms for the school year she will get her allowance again. It just "works" and she is actually very good about her money and being responsible.
I never felt the need to "redo" anything my daughter did. That only defeated the purpose. What I wanted to teach her was to do something without having to be told, If I went behind her and redid the job then she would feel it wasn't good enough and she wouldn't bother doing it ever again. Yeah she sometimes stacked the dishes in the diswasher than I did, yeah she used a swiffer wet on the walls of the tub surround. Okay she didn't pick up the nicknacks when dusting but the jobs got done and I didn't have to ask her, to tell her or to bribe her to do them, because she felt accomplished and I wasn't going to take that away from her.
Paying a child for good grades is, in my opinion, stupid becauswe what are you going to do when they get to college? Are you going to hand out thousand dollar bills for every A they get? Upon graduaton with honors are you going to hand them a million dollar sports car and a year long trip around the world all expenses paid? The educaton/knowledge itself should be worth getting the good grades.
Quoting CoeyG:
Quoting Esmrlda:
Quoting jabs54:
Quoting Esmrlda:
I never gave dd an allowance growing up because I believed that I shouldn't have to pay her for pitching in in the household. But I did give her money to go with her friends to the movies and what not. We never paid Sd an allowance but when nephew moved in he was accustomed to having an allowance of 5.00 a week so to be FAIR we started paying her an allowance also. When nephew moved out we stopped giving her an allowance and the quality of her work went down hill and was non existent and she started to complain that she wasnt getting any money so why should she do a good job? So we told her that she need to pitch in and why should we pay her to help out around the household, that her room an board, food, clothes, warmth. blah, blah, blah speech.
I guess it could go either way, they do chores, they learn responsibility, they do a good job, you give them an allowance, it teaches them a good work ethic, it teaches them the value of money.
You dont pay them they help out and you give them money anyway just like a bonus.
That's exactly why you shouldn't pay kids for chores or grades. They need to learn to take pride in doing a great job at whatever they do. That is the reward, not money.
She did a half ass job anyway with everything before that. She actually did a decent job when she was getting paid. She dosent know what pride in doing a good job is all about. Trust me I have tried to teach her. She dosent care and she is lazy.
I think whatever motivates your kid. Every kid is different. What works for one may not work for another. Money motivates her so that I WONT have to REDO the job or bitch to her about doing it again, and again and again. I think when she comes back from her moms for the school year she will get her allowance again. It just "works" and she is actually very good about her money and being responsible.
I never felt the need to "redo" anything my daughter did. That only defeated the purpose. What I wanted to teach her was to do something without having to be told, If I went behind her and redid the job then she would feel it wasn't good enough and she wouldn't bother doing it ever again. Yeah she sometimes stacked the dishes in the diswasher than I did, yeah she used a swiffer wet on the walls of the tub surround. Okay she didn't pick up the nicknacks when dusting but the jobs got done and I didn't have to ask her, to tell her or to bribe her to do them.
Yeah well, I have to ask, tell but no I will not bribe. It's not good enough and I dont have a problem telling her. Personally I dont like eating out of pans, dishes and silverware that have old crusty food on them. Or walking into the bathroom because she sneakely piled the sand under the trashcan because she didnt FEEL like sweeping it up right the first time. Or walking barefoot in spilled trash can stale water or whatever it is because she didnt feel like cleaning it up after taking the trash out.
How can one teach her to do a job well done when you let her get away with doing a half assed job in the first place.
At 16, I stopped giving my SD a allowance and told her to get a job. She didnt want to work. So I only gave her money for her meals when she went away for basketball or softball games. I did buy the things she needed for school and personal hygeine but no extra spending money. I was hoping that would incourage her to get a job but it never did. Since your SD worked during the summer and you dont want her working during school, I would consider the allowance with the condition that she has to keep up with her school work and chores. If you can afford it..then $20 a week would probably be a good range.
Quoting Esmrlda:
Quoting CoeyG:
Quoting Esmrlda:
Quoting jabs54:
Quoting Esmrlda:
I never gave dd an allowance growing up because I believed that I shouldn't have to pay her for pitching in in the household. But I did give her money to go with her friends to the movies and what not. We never paid Sd an allowance but when nephew moved in he was accustomed to having an allowance of 5.00 a week so to be FAIR we started paying her an allowance also. When nephew moved out we stopped giving her an allowance and the quality of her work went down hill and was non existent and she started to complain that she wasnt getting any money so why should she do a good job? So we told her that she need to pitch in and why should we pay her to help out around the household, that her room an board, food, clothes, warmth. blah, blah, blah speech.
I guess it could go either way, they do chores, they learn responsibility, they do a good job, you give them an allowance, it teaches them a good work ethic, it teaches them the value of money.
You dont pay them they help out and you give them money anyway just like a bonus.
That's exactly why you shouldn't pay kids for chores or grades. They need to learn to take pride in doing a great job at whatever they do. That is the reward, not money.
She did a half ass job anyway with everything before that. She actually did a decent job when she was getting paid. She dosent know what pride in doing a good job is all about. Trust me I have tried to teach her. She dosent care and she is lazy.
I think whatever motivates your kid. Every kid is different. What works for one may not work for another. Money motivates her so that I WONT have to REDO the job or bitch to her about doing it again, and again and again. I think when she comes back from her moms for the school year she will get her allowance again. It just "works" and she is actually very good about her money and being responsible.
I never felt the need to "redo" anything my daughter did. That only defeated the purpose. What I wanted to teach her was to do something without having to be told, If I went behind her and redid the job then she would feel it wasn't good enough and she wouldn't bother doing it ever again. Yeah she sometimes stacked the dishes in the diswasher than I did, yeah she used a swiffer wet on the walls of the tub surround. Okay she didn't pick up the nicknacks when dusting but the jobs got done and I didn't have to ask her, to tell her or to bribe her to do them.
Yeah well, I have to ask, tell but no I will not bribe. It's not good enough and I dont have a problem telling her. Personally I dont like eating out of pans, dishes and silverware that have old crusty food on them. Or walking into the bathroom because she sneakely piled the sand under the trashcan because she didnt FEEL like sweeping it up right the first time. Or walking barefoot in spilled trash can stale water or whatever it is because she didnt feel like cleaning it up after taking the trash out.
How can one teach her to do a job well done when you let her get away with doing a half assed job in the first place.
That's just it, I never needed to redo the jobs she did to begin with. While the jobs might not have been perfect the first time around or done the way I would have done them they were completed. There was nothing left on the pots and pans, sometimes she would leave them to soak which was her way of doing it., she would come back to them later. She didn't sweep sand out of the way, it went into the dust pan and then garbage can, maybe there would be a little left but eventually she would get it up because she didn't like it under her feet. You should be able to show her how it is done when you set out teaching her, explaining to her how it should be done. If you just hand her a broom and tell her to sweep that isn't going to work. Just like someone handing you a pen and telling you to write a novel before you can even sign your name. If you don't know how to do it how can you be expected to do it?
Quoting CoeyG:
Quoting Esmrlda:
Quoting CoeyG:
Quoting Esmrlda:
Quoting jabs54:
Quoting Esmrlda:
I never gave dd an allowance growing up because I believed that I shouldn't have to pay her for pitching in in the household. But I did give her money to go with her friends to the movies and what not. We never paid Sd an allowance but when nephew moved in he was accustomed to having an allowance of 5.00 a week so to be FAIR we started paying her an allowance also. When nephew moved out we stopped giving her an allowance and the quality of her work went down hill and was non existent and she started to complain that she wasnt getting any money so why should she do a good job? So we told her that she need to pitch in and why should we pay her to help out around the household, that her room an board, food, clothes, warmth. blah, blah, blah speech.
I guess it could go either way, they do chores, they learn responsibility, they do a good job, you give them an allowance, it teaches them a good work ethic, it teaches them the value of money.
You dont pay them they help out and you give them money anyway just like a bonus.
That's exactly why you shouldn't pay kids for chores or grades. They need to learn to take pride in doing a great job at whatever they do. That is the reward, not money.
She did a half ass job anyway with everything before that. She actually did a decent job when she was getting paid. She dosent know what pride in doing a good job is all about. Trust me I have tried to teach her. She dosent care and she is lazy.
I think whatever motivates your kid. Every kid is different. What works for one may not work for another. Money motivates her so that I WONT have to REDO the job or bitch to her about doing it again, and again and again. I think when she comes back from her moms for the school year she will get her allowance again. It just "works" and she is actually very good about her money and being responsible.
I never felt the need to "redo" anything my daughter did. That only defeated the purpose. What I wanted to teach her was to do something without having to be told, If I went behind her and redid the job then she would feel it wasn't good enough and she wouldn't bother doing it ever again. Yeah she sometimes stacked the dishes in the diswasher than I did, yeah she used a swiffer wet on the walls of the tub surround. Okay she didn't pick up the nicknacks when dusting but the jobs got done and I didn't have to ask her, to tell her or to bribe her to do them.
Yeah well, I have to ask, tell but no I will not bribe. It's not good enough and I dont have a problem telling her. Personally I dont like eating out of pans, dishes and silverware that have old crusty food on them. Or walking into the bathroom because she sneakely piled the sand under the trashcan because she didnt FEEL like sweeping it up right the first time. Or walking barefoot in spilled trash can stale water or whatever it is because she didnt feel like cleaning it up after taking the trash out.
How can one teach her to do a job well done when you let her get away with doing a half assed job in the first place.
That's just it, I never needed to redo the jobs she did to begin with. While the jobs might not have been perfect the first time around or done the way I would have done them they were completed. There was nothing left on the pots and pans, sometimes she would leave them to soak which was her way of doing it., she would come back to them later. She didn't sweep sand out of the way, it went into the dust pan and then garbage can, maybe there would be a little left but eventually she would get it up because she didn't like it under her feet. You should be able to show her how it is done when you set out teaching her, explaining to her how it should be done. If you just hand her a broom and tell her to sweep that isn't going to work. Just like someone handing you a pen and telling you to write a novel before you can even sign your name. If you don't know how to do it how can you be expected to do it?
Trust me I have shown her, numerous times.
I know DD was the same as Shannon, I only had to show her once and she got the job done.
I am writing this reply without reading what anyone else has written, so no influence one way or the other. If the goal is to spend free time studying and not working on the weekends, I would give her an allowance to pay for her clothes, entertainment, etc. Let her know that this is all she gets for the month and if she blows it and wants to go to a movie and pizza with her friends, then she is out of luck. No borrowing from next month's allowance. Also, let her know that she is still to help with babysitting and cleaning around the house, which will be her contribution towards earning the monthly allowance. Draw up and get her to sign a simple contract, and give her a photocopy of it.
I apologize if it seems as though I was putting words in your mouth. Not what I was trying to get out at all.....I know it is hard being a step mom and trying to implement the same for your kids as with step kids...it's not easy and it you or rather "I" ended up looking like the bad guy. What ever is decided needs to be the rule...just saying. Otherwise kids know how to push and get what they want when needed. The bad behavior comment was just thrown in for good measure. Sorry if I offended you. Not my intent here for you or for the Step mom and her family.
Quoting KittyGram:
I didn't ay she should be rewarded for bad behavior. I said that because she's already been receiving an allowance, that maybe she should continue to receive one, but not necessarily what biomom gave. Especially in light of the fact that stepmom doesn't want her to work due to grades.
My daughter never got a regular allowance either. She earned a lot of her wants by extra work, just as your son did. I didn't reward her for bad behavior or bad grades. In fact, when she did go to work at 16, one stipulation to keeping the job was to maintain a's and b's on her report card. I rewarded her good grades by allowing her to keep the job that she loved.
I don't believe they're entitled, and I never said I did. I said precedence was already set, and in light of that, that maybe she should continue to receive it.
Quoting Frogy:
Not sure I agree with you on this one KittyGram! Here is why. I as a mom didn't give my son an allowance because he isn't entitles to it. First off. But he wasn't a needy kid either. He had all that he needed and some of what he wanted. The extra stuff he needed to work it off somehow. He did extra chores and even got dinner done if I had a long day. Those are the things we did. As he got older he went straight to work. His choice not mine. He knew if he wanted other stuff he would have to find a way to work it out and get it. He is 23 now and has 2 jobs. He has been working and going to school and has been active in band the entire time he was in school. I know I may in the not so normal of situations here but I think everyone should earn what they "want" if you "need" shoes then by all means buy them for her.
SD needs to come to realize this is a different home and has different rules. What were her visitations like before she moved in with you? What were the circumstances that lead to her living there? Those might help make your decision on weather or not to give her an allowance. if she is struggleing in school and you don't want her to work during school which i understand. Make school work and her grades be a decideing factor on how much she is givin. Do not reward bad behavior or bad grads....just my thoughts!
Quoting KittyGram:
I agree, except that she's already accustomed to getting an allowance. Precedence has already been set. Not that she should get the same as she was from biomom, especially if it was too much, but my thought is to give her something.
Quoting jabs54:
It's just my opinion but I never gave my kids an allowance. I don't believe they should be paid for doing things that are expected of them. But, they all had jobs in high school. We didn't allow them to work on Sundays so that gave plenty of time to finish up school work. I thought it was my job to pay for everything they needed and if we had the money I paid for stuff that was just for fun. I believe that taught them the value of money. Just wondering...does the bio mom pay for anything?
Thanks for the input ladies. I do appreciate ALL of your opinions and your willingness to share your life experiences!
Bad Day
- stepof5
on Jul. 25, 2012 at 2:48 PM