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adult daughter estrangement advice

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hello all,

Im new to this website and looking for some advice from women who have adult children...ok :-/ im 28 years old and i had a horrible childhood. more bad than good. my father was married when i was conceived and my mom eventhough she states she didnt know..im sure she did...my father had a wife and kids..to which he never told of me until i was almost 18..She allowed him in/out of my life..verbal abuse..promises made..she never guarded me from that..never went after him for child support evnthough he was wealthy. He promised to pay for my college, then left me 3 days before tuition was due and said he had a family to care for and he told my mom to have an abortion! ouch! he cussed me..and we havent spoken since..my mom..well lets just say she married a schizo. growing up he beat her..and me while tried to defend her..she never left him til i went to college. He once..made me eat oatmeal knowing i was allergic and i vomited and was beaten for it. my GRANDPARENTS noticed the abuse i suffered.my mom was negligent and didnt care..she was a career woman..she wasnt the supportive mom i needed.very verbally abusive..soemtimes she would cuss me out and i would be crying and for nothing..she was and still is a hothead.

i ended up leaving HOME..finishing school with 30k loans..ugh!!!....i stopped talking to her for 2 years..that whole time im the bad person to my whole family! can i say i felt good? and i didnt want to ever speak to her again. i only did when my grandfather fell ill..he begged me..to remedy the situation..i ended up moving back home with her to go back to school again for nursing..and its the same thing again! the verbal abuse.bitch this ..that..you are sad...you need a shrink..i mean some stuff she has said..its horrible. im 2 years away from graduating RN school. IM so tired of this. you would think after 2 years she would change..NADA.. can you also believe she still has contact with my dad? and never told him he was wrong for what was done to me? she says oh well not my problem! YOU CREATED THE PROBLEM.!!

im at the point of wiping her out of my life completely. just saying forget it. move out eventhough im still in hard as heck RN school and just moving on...She has never been the mothering type. I didnt have a good childhood and i left her for that reason she will not ever  recognize how wrong she did me..as for my dad well its been 8 years since we lost spoke when he said he never wanted me. Emotionally im done. if you cant support me when im down and all the hell ive been put through..

im at the point of never having her around either.

by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 12:38 AM
Replies (11-20):
LeJane
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2012 at 11:39 AM

 I am sorry.    I think you need to look at it as what is healthy for you emotionally.    The past and the facts of the past will never be justified.  We just need to accept them and quit trying to fight what was wrong.   It is done and we are better off just seeing it for what it is and doing what we can now.   

No,   you are not wrong to cut off contact.    I think that would be the best decision here.     It sounds like you have tried to do what you could.   We are powerless over anyone but ourselves.    It sounds like your mom needs help but doesn't see it.    Good Luck.     maybe someday she will change and until then you have to look out for yourself.      

  

DesignGirl450
by Lynda on Aug. 6, 2012 at 2:42 PM

I am so sorry, and can't imagine having the upbringing you have had.  Your mother sounds mentally ill to take all of her frustrations out on you.  This has become a lifelong pattern, and sadly,  she will never change as this is what you both know. You should get away from her, she has nothing  to offer you, and it sounds like you have been making your way very well with university and nursing school.  I wish you well, and if you feel you need counselling  to help you deal with all the crap in your life, then get it through student services.  Best of luck with everything.  

yogibearmom
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 3:45 PM
Im not blaming them for my life. Im college educated smart no other debt wt

Etc am i upset my dad waa there for his other kids and not me yes! Im human! I am mad at my mom yes! I dont have a horrible situation in my life i never jave been to jail used drugs etc that isnt the point. I dooo feel i was owed a decent set of parents and i do feel i deserve an apology ill probably never get! Does a persons childhood affect their adulthood yes. Am i upset i was put thru certain things yes and thus i was asking if it is wrong for me to never see her or talk again to her for that reason! As you know some people treat family the worst and still expect a relationship just bcos of blood
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nana9106
by Darlene on Aug. 6, 2012 at 4:17 PM

 Very well said

Quoting LLICE:

There is a way to distance yourself without pointing fingers & that's what I did. My mother & I have a fairly good relationship. She was never a natural at mothering but she did the best she could & wishes she could've done better. When you are grown you can finally see your parents as people instead of just your mom or dad. So I know she tries & so do I but there's definitely a space there that will never get bridged because of the baggage she carries from her terrible relationship with her alcoholic mother.
My father has always been rigid with us (his 5 daughters) has never helped with college, paid for or attended our weddings & has no relationship with his daughters or 8 grandchildren. He has not done the best he was able & did not keep his daughters safe. He was brutal & used fists & boots! I was the first to leave home & have always kept two to four thousand miles between us. I used to feel hatred for him, but that kept me a prisoner of that cycle of hate. So I've struggled to find forgiveness & at this point feel mostly pity for him.
You choose your journey. You choose whether or not you'll allow yourself to be a victim of hatred & negative emotion. There is another path. There are friends waiting to meet you & a life waiting for you to jump in! How much distance you have from your parents is your choice, not theirs.
Your life, your choice!

 

KittyGram
by Becky on Aug. 6, 2012 at 4:24 PM

This. 

Plus, as my friend Vicky would tell you, "It is what it is."  Meaning, what's happened has happened, and they way others are, is the way that they are.  You can't change the past, and you can't change them.  

So, my advice to you is, keep reminding yourself that this is all in the past, and tomorrow (and today of course) can be a whole new beginning for you.  You've got a lot going for you, with that education you can really go places.  Don't waste your time hating or holding grudges.  Just remember who your mom and your dad are, and what they're "capable" of, and just go live your life.  

I wish I'd understood this about people when I was 28.  Sadly, other than with my ex-husband and a small handful of others, I was well into my 40's when I started to realize what people can be like.  Lots of time and effort had been put into some relationships that ended up not being so good for me.  But that's in the past, I can't change any of it, so I move forward, and I remember, but I don't regret.  

Best wishes to you!!! 

Quoting LLICE:

There is a way to distance yourself without pointing fingers & that's what I did. My mother & I have a fairly good relationship. She was never a natural at mothering but she did the best she could & wishes she could've done better. When you are grown you can finally see your parents as people instead of just your mom or dad. So I know she tries & so do I but there's definitely a space there that will never get bridged because of the baggage she carries from her terrible relationship with her alcoholic mother.
My father has always been rigid with us (his 5 daughters) has never helped with college, paid for or attended our weddings & has no relationship with his daughters or 8 grandchildren. He has not done the best he was able & did not keep his daughters safe. He was brutal & used fists & boots! I was the first to leave home & have always kept two to four thousand miles between us. I used to feel hatred for him, but that kept me a prisoner of that cycle of hate. So I've struggled to find forgiveness & at this point feel mostly pity for him.
You choose your journey. You choose whether or not you'll allow yourself to be a victim of hatred & negative emotion. There is another path. There are friends waiting to meet you & a life waiting for you to jump in! How much distance you have from your parents is your choice, not theirs.
Your life, your choice!

 

Esmrlda
by Esme on Aug. 6, 2012 at 6:16 PM

 I think it would be best to take a break from her and concentrate on you, your children and your schooling. If Shes as verbally abusive as you say then there is nothing wrong with taking a step back and not taking it.  Your nobody's door mat...not even your mothers.  If you try and have a heart to heart with her she may never acknowledge your feelings like you said she said Its your problem and she will most likely tell that to you again and again.   Take a breather and get some space to clear your head for a bit. 

LadySaphira
by Lisa on Aug. 6, 2012 at 7:06 PM

If that is the situation, I would cut off contact too. Yu will never be happy if you surround yourself with unhappy, negative people.

CoeyG
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 7:23 PM


Quoting yogibearmom:

Of course thus im in school and ive always done for myself.

Okay so keep moving forward.  Frankly I'm wondering if what you want is advice or validation.  

Shellness
by Michell on Aug. 6, 2012 at 7:27 PM
2 moms liked this

You are going to have to take the HARD road but it'll be the HAPPY road. You need to get a full time job. You might have to cut back on school and go part time if you can't handle it. Get your own place. It might take you longer but it'll be worth it. Get away from the entire situation. 

You grew up like this and don't know another way but there is a better way. You have to change it for yourself and not let anyone in your life that doesn't love , respect you, and make your life better. 

Do it and you'll be happy. Don't do it and you'll stay miserable. 

yogibearmom
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 8:00 PM
Thanks all yes i dont have kids.
Im waiting til i finish school. Full time i would have to drop outta school since i dont have any debt im going to rent a cheap apt near school and get a small loan to cover my expenses... She told me outta the blue she knows one i day i will not talk to her again and he will be blessed anyway! Lol just outta the blue.... Im so done. I will go bk to how things were when i stopped talking to her for two years funny then she was begging me to be in my life again... Ill never do it again. Its funny i think sometimes she is envious of me bcos anything i do to adnvance she criticizes
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