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When you hardly ever see your grandchild, it isn't wrong to indulge her, is it?

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She and I were in a bookstore today, killing time while her mom tried on some clothes, and she wanted everything around (age 7), so I said no, no, but in the end bought her a toy that I thought would be used more than once and discarded. I don't have a lot of experience with the grandma thing. What do you do when the child wants everything she sees?

by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 5:01 PM
Replies (121-130):
Gilesmt
by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 9:26 AM
I spoil my one and only forever granddaughter rotten. Not so much with toys but with other things. I buy all her cloths and she has a lot, so many that she only wears things once and then we sell them online or at a yard sale, so we can buy more and it is only gymboree I will buy. I have pads for all her ballet and half of her gymnastics for the past few years. And when we are together I pay for whatever she wants to eat, things mom may not buy, but since they go out to eat more at home she always wants to eat in for me, so a donut for breakfast instead of cold cereal is a treat for her. But I can also say no, I can say eat your vegetables before you get the cake, or no gum is not good for you, or no you can not have three candy bars. Aaliyah does not ask for lots and lots of things, but times of years when things are on display she does ask, and I always say put it on your Christmas list. She almost always forgets what it was before the next day and that tells me she really did not want it or like it. We have also done age appropriate themes for Christmas making it easier to not over buy or not get her to much, when she was two we did the doll theme, I bought the crib, papa bought the high chair, aunt bought the carrier, mom bought the doll. When she was 6 we did the barbie theme, mom bought the barbie house, I bought the dolls, papa bought the car, aunt bought the cloths. Does papa spoil her also, yes, he pays for private school for her.
EireLass
by Gold Member on Aug. 26, 2012 at 9:31 AM

I'm very boundary oriented. Sort of in a sick extreme way. haha. So I feel like it comes natural when dealing with others. You get what you give, you know?

Quoting mrsbrand:

Will you adopt me? Or can you maybe knock some sense into my mom... She really does not get this (highlighted below) Really she can drive me batty being overbearing, then blatantly disregarding house rules as though they don't apply to her. 

ETA: Sorry I'm not in this group but this post caught my eye :)

Quoting EireLass:

I met Riley when he was 6 month's old. He's now 19 months. His Mom is my step-daughter. When I first met him (they live in FLA, we lived in MA, now ME)....I talked to her about this. What did she approve of, what did she want for him from me, etc. She said she was very comfortable with me as her Mother (she's never referred to me as step), so she knows I'll only have Riley's best interests at heart. A few times I've asked her if he can have this or that....mostly food related at this point.....she has always said "just do what you'd like, I know you do things safely and healthy. I gave him his first ice cream cone, his first cupcake, etc. My own kids didn't have this until they were older. But she's fine with it. I mentioned it to a couple people and they all said "Oh, the Grandparents have indulging rights" hahaha. Alot of it I think has to do with your relationship with the parent of the child. If you speak to them as the parent, and respect them as the parent, and understand boundaries....things can go well.


EireLass
by Gold Member on Aug. 26, 2012 at 9:43 AM

I'm very boundary oriented.....to an extreme point, not normal. haha. I figure if I give it to others, they will give it back. But I needed her to know (this is her first) that I wasn't an automatic 'babysitter'. I needed her to know that just because they were here, she is still 100% in charge. This is my step-daughter, so I don't have that 'natural over-bearing' way like some mothers to child have. But I'm not that way with my own 2 either. I guess Riley's relationship to me is SO important, I'm watchful of myself with everything so as not to spoil that.

Quoting sarah.a.dury:
Quoting EireLass:

I met Riley when he was 6 month's old. He's now 19 months. His Mom is my step-daughter. When I first met him (they live in FLA, we lived in MA, now ME)....I talked to her about this. What did she approve of, what did she want for him from me, etc. She said she was very comfortable with me as her Mother (she's never referred to me as step), so she knows I'll only have Riley's best interests at heart. A few times I've asked her if he can have this or that....mostly food related at this point.....she has always said "just do what you'd like, I know you do things safely and healthy. I gave him his first ice cream cone, his first cupcake, etc. My own kids didn't have this until they were older. But she's fine with it. I mentioned it to a couple people and they all said "Oh, the Grandparents have indulging rights" hahaha. Alot of it I think has to do with your relationship with the parent of the child. If you speak to them as the parent, and respect them as the parent, and understand boundaries....things can go well.

As a DIL. I wish my MIL were like you.


EireLass
by Gold Member on Aug. 26, 2012 at 9:48 AM

I was brought up in a very money and 'stuff' environment. I rebelled against that when I became an adult. Then of course as a single mother, my kids had very minimal things. So I did let their grands and aunts/uncles buy them whatever they wanted. Now at 32 & 29, one is 'stuff' oriented, and one is not. So regardless of what's going on as a child, they really do become their own adult.

But again....this is a situation where you can only control yourself, not others. You can choose to cut them out of your life if there is that much stress. We all know stress wreaks havoc on our bodies and mind. If you bag up some of the stuff and get rid of it, and they ask where it is, just be honest. That alone may make the impression to not buy so much. You'll be surprised.

Quoting Liyoness:

Those are the sorts of things that a mother can appreciate. You're making memories, not buying love. As I've already described in a previous reply - this is the same approach my own mother takes. With this sort of spoiling, my children are growing up to know what true love feels like. They aren't being taught to be materialistic. They are appreciating the moments spent, not the money spent on those moments. They're growing up feeling "at home".

What is being discussed is buying love. The mess that comes with it, and the sorts of values such a relationship instills on a child. I'm sure I'm not the only mother who isn't comfortable with their children's love being bought. - And yes, there are repercussions that come along with it: a gianormous mess, a lack of gratitude, lack of understanding the value of money, lack of truly bonding with the person giving them the gift, and often - the gifts don't reflect the child's true interests. The novelty of most items wear off in about an hour and the child is left wondering, "what next?" especially if there is a bag of toys sitting there waiting for them. That is not how I want my children to be raised. The grandparents of my generation of child-rearing should be smarter than the generation before them - as I look at my own peers, I see nothing but greedy, entitled monsters. Why on earth would we repeat that mistake?!

Quoting EireLass:

Well, my grandy is only 19 months old. He lives 5 hours away by plane, so I only see him 3-4 times/year. My spoiling so far is buying him things like books and DVD's that we watch and sing to. Tractor and garden toys to be able to copy Grampa. And food. They live a 'fast food and convenience' lifestyle...everything here is from the farmer or home made here....even ice cream. I had the joy of giving him his first ice cream cone. I had the joy of giving him his first cupcake. I spoil him by letting him climb the rocks at the waterfalls with me. He's too young to 'ask' for things. Most things we buy him stay here...as they have to fly back home...too much stuff to take on the plane.

I



PestPatti
by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 10:10 AM


  I don't really think you indulged her.   My parents indulged all their grandchildren.   They were times I thought it might be extreme, but it was what is was.  

  My sons have found memories of spending time with their grandparents.   They miss both of their grandmothers.

  I am so wanting to be a grandma, but just have to wait and see.   I'm an awesome mother in law, so I am thinking I will approach grammahood the same way.  

Beth3721
by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 10:17 AM

At least you put some thought into it.  My MIL buys my daughter useless stuff all the time.  It isn't so bad she gets it, it's that she sends it home with us! She has enough stuff and if I get one more coloring book or stuffed animal I'm going to lose it. 

If you want to buy her things be sure to ask the parents if they want to bring it home or not.  Or just keep it at your place for her when she comes.  It's not that they aren't grateful if they don't want it, they probably just don't have the space.

Hesmynavyman
by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 10:20 AM

You tell her no because she already has a lot of toys at home and that next time she's good she can get a toy. Or you tell her just 1 toy because she has a lot at home already.

 Got to be firm with children, grandparents are different then parent's so do keep that in mind.;) Now... if parent's were to give in everytime there would be an issue LOL! Spoiled rotten brats! Hahah like hollywood children most of them get whatever they want and no punishments/ time outs.

HoneyPlum
by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 10:24 AM
1 mom liked this

Grandparents have zero rights when it comes to children who don't belong to them.  I'm so lucky that my mom doesn't have this entitled attitude about my children.  She "spoils" them with love, not things that she knows I don't let them have.

Quoting mac1940:

Grandmothers rights include indulging - at least within reason.


Lynette
by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 10:32 AM

My mom liked buying something for my kids every time she saw them and then she got upset when they started to expect it.  I asked her to please cut down many times. And that the kids would be just as happy as to go the neighborhood park or play a board game with her(that's what we do w/ the inlaws and they talk about it all the time).  It's normal for kids to want everything and they will tell you about it even more when they know you tend to buy them something when they are out w/ you.  My older 2 are always talking about their legos and what sets they want to save up for next, they aren't asking for them but it can sound like that.

Jaybo
by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 1:41 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Liyoness:

I guess for the grandparents, you have to look at it like this:

Imagine someone going into a cheap shop, closing their eyes and buying you 100 decorative items for your home. They bring it to your house and they expect you to open it all RIGHT NOW and to find a place for it, AND to use it, AND to express your gratitude for it. Then the next time they come over they expect your house to be fully decorated in everything they gave you.

But, a lot of it (almost all of it) is junk, and was cheap and broke almost as soon as it came out of the package.. And, well, it's just not your style. In fact, you didn't even like most of it.

And yet this person continues to buy you more stuff like this, and they expect you to keep it all and find a place for all of it and they want you to use it all often. And for your house to be perfect and beautiful and not show the first sign of clutter. And you're supposed to be happy and thankful and beam at how wonderful this person is for all they do for you, afterall, it's not like they bring you this junk every day. It's a special treat. 

Oh, and by the way- it's not just this one person who is bringing you these items to 'enrich' your home - it's also friends, aunts and uncles, the other grandparents, teachers, daycares and everyone in between.

 


When I read your first post,  you seemed to make sense. Now that I've read the rest of your posts where you're blaming every other person on this earth for making your home a mess, I have come to realize you're no where near making any sense.   I'm assuming you're a neat freak that's somehow gone over the edge with your obsession on neatness.   I would urge you to think about a few therapy sessions, if you want your children to have a happy & stress free childhood. 

I cannot imagine them enjoying their childhood at the moment.

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