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Mother/Daughter issues, not talking since her wedding! Very lenghty story!

Posted by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 12:00 PM
  • 16 Replies

Let me first start that my daughter's father and I have been divorced since she was 14. Her father and I don't speak to each other and she has learned to play both sides. I had full custody and raised her myself when it came to every day life. Her father just wanted to be her pal and made me do the parenting.

Her father is remarried and I am engaged to a man I have been with for almost 13 years, which she considers a "stepfather".

Now, her wedding......My daughter and I have been close although we live around 4.5 hours apart. She is in her mid 30's and was living with her fiance during the planning of the wedding. They were paying for the wedding.  We chatted online every day, planning her wedding. I visited her for her dress fitting, cake tasting, etc. I went to 2 states for her showers, we both live in another state from where she grew up.

Her father was walking her down the aisle. At the church for the rehearsal, we were getting ready to be escorted down the aisle before the wedding party. My soon to be stepson said that the bride's father's wife should go after me. I said, "No, the mother of the bride gets seated last" They said, alright and the seated step mom and then escorted me to the same pew. Stepmom was at the end of the aisle and wanted me to climb over her to sit. I told her that I raised my daughter for over 30 years and I want to watch her walk down the aisle. She moved over. Then the wedding party came down the aisle and her father handed my daughter to her fiance and turned and looked at where I was sitting and put his arms up and walked around the pew and sat next to his wife.  When we repeated the steps, I asked Stepmon if she understood where I was coming from and if she understood, and she said yes.

At the rehearsal party afterward, all seemed well. Nothing was said, and we all got along.  The next morning (wedding day),  all I got was a text from my daughter asking me to make room for her father so he didn't have to climb over anyone after he walked her down the aisle. No other text. I just thought that I would move over for him after he walked her down the aisle, after all we did make her, he could at least sit next to me in church for her wedding.

We arrive in church, I went downstairs with all the girls, and I had to go upstairs because it was time for the lighting of the unity candles. Then it was time for the procession.  Stepmom goes first and sits in the pew, then I come down the aisle. As I am walking down the aisle, stepmom leans over the pew behind her and puts her programs on it.  I get to the first pew and she does not move over, taps the seat next to her and says that it was saved for the father, I looked at her and said that this was NOT going to happen and she moved over, I leaned over to her and said that I would move over for the father when he gets there. She then jumps up, runs around the outside of the pew and sits in the pew behind.  (I have read many articles on where divorced parents should sit and it said that the parent that raises the child the most sits in front!) Dad walks her down the aisle and sat with his wife. All done!

Now, an even better event happens..... At the reception, we are all having a great time, we had friends sitting with us and we were talking to many of the guests. The flower girl was the grooms neice and my fiance gave her his flower from his jacket.  Later in the night, my fiance and I wanted to do a nice slow dance, our first dance together at my daughter's wedding.  As soon as we started dancing, the grooms brother came over to us with a very upset look on his face and asked to talk to my fiance, we asked if we could finish our dance and he said no and pulled us apart. He started telling my fiance that he dissed his kid. While they were talking, the Groom comes after my fiance, I grabbed him and asked what this was all about and he said that it was his brother and he didin't care. I told him that he should think about what he was doing, that this was the step father of the bride, and again he repeated the brother thing. I walked away and my friend's husband had to stop him again!  I was soooooo upset that I went outside where there were stand-up tables set up.

My fiance came out and told me that there was a misunderstanding that the child just discribed someone that fit his discription and he went after the wrong guy. That I can understand, it was upsetting, but things like that happens, I was more upset that my new son-in-law joined in!  His brother came over and apologised to me and asked what he could do, I told him to tell the bride what he just did. He went over to my daughter and they went on the side and they talked for a while. After, my daughter just went inside and danced with her friends, not coming over to me or anything.  We left right at the end of the reception and I went back to the hotel and changed and went to the restaurant next door that had a nice outdoor area. We got outside and most of the wedding party was there no one spoke to us! Then the bride and groom come, my daugher walked right past me and acted like I wasn't even there! Another of the grooms brothers came and sat by us for a while and was abruptly summoned by the bride to come back to their table.

My daughter texted me the next morning saying that she had too much "drama" and we would talk about it another time. They weren't leaving for their honeymoon for another week. I waited a few days and heard nothing from her, I emailed her and stated that I thought that I thought I would here from her by now, and she replied that they were taking this week alone like it was an extra week for their honeymoon.

Now, they are back from their honeymoon (which my fiance and I gave her) and still nothing. I emailed her again and said that we needed to talk and she said that what happend at the reception they didn't know about since they were outside and wanted to  put this all behind her. I emailed her and told her that her husband was the one I was upset with.  Her husband tried to call us the next day, but we were working out in the garden and when we got back inside, we really didn't want to talk to him that night. The next morning, I got an email from my daughter saying that I ruined her wedding, I made a scene at the church, and that my fiance pushed the little boy at the reception and swore at him and the attack on my fiance was warranted!  I couldn't believe what I just read!  I was very quiet at the church, if anyone heard anything it was my sister that was two pews behind and she said that she didn't hear a thing!

We emailed each other and she insists that it should have been the stepmom at the end of the pew so dad could sit next to her after walking down the aisle and if I didn't understand than we have nothing else to talk about . I insist that I was NOT going to look over her shoulder to watch my own daughter walk down the aisle and I would have moved over for her dad, and if she didn't understand, then we don't have anything else to talk about!  That was it, no other conversation with her. I did talk to her husband about the incident at the reception, his story was that he was there to stop it......LOL  I just took him for his word, and said that I will take his story and accept it.  My daughter then DE-Friended me on her facebook and posted her honeymoon pictures after. Yes, the great honeymoon to Aruba that WE sent her on!

8 weeks go by and she called me and told me that I was going to be a grandmother, we chatted about her new role in life, nothing about the wedding. She asked if I wanted her to email me the ultrasound picture and I said of course!  She sent me the picture and that's it, just the picture, not even a note that this was my new grandbaby, nothing. I wrote her back and asked if she posted that on facebook before she sent it to me and she said no. No other news on her pregnancy since.

A couple weeks later, we recieve two boxes of empty jars from all the food we canned the previous year and gave her. I know she couldn't have eaten it all, she had to have just dumped them out and sent them back. Again no note of thanks, nothing. I emailed her and let her know that we got the jars, and that she was a self centered person and all she thinks about was herself. Even her thank you card from the wedding was very generic, it could have gone to a work associate!

I am so hurt, I cry myself to sleep many nights, I love her and miss her, but I really don't like the person she has become.  After all these events, I don't know what I want anymore.......

BTW, she got married at the end of May!

How would you feel or handle this?

by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 12:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Gold Member on Oct. 15, 2012 at 12:27 PM
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I understand that you are hurt and offended. I'm sorry. *hugs*

When a woman gets married they want no drama or difficulties that day. I can understand how she would be upset.

Now going forward I would say, enjoy the crumbs you get, be positive and kind. Someday this will likely lead to you being closer with her.

Yes, children, even adult children, are selfish and hurtful. That doesn't mean you want to be holding a grudge and ruining any chance of having a decent relationship. This is a storm you'll have to weather. Hopefully one day it will be smooth sailing again.

by Mary Ann on Oct. 15, 2012 at 12:49 PM

More often than not, patience is a virtue.  You may have to be patient awhile longer, but  this too shall pass.  I know you are hurt, but my advice is to let the wedding drama become history.  She is being a bit  unreasonable now, but maybe that can be chalked up to hormones.  As her pregnancy progresses, she will probably find she misses you and needs you.  Just let her know you love her and are there for her. 

by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 2:02 PM

This all makes me sick as I read more towards the end.  Your daughter, her father and her in-laws were wrong to treat you that way.  I am so sick of these children (including my 24-yr-old daughter) that I want to throw up.  If I were you, I'd just stay away until your daughter contacts you, because you are only going to hurt more if you continue to contact her since she's taking their side.  Leave her azz alone, because when her husband and in-laws sees how she treats you over them, it's not going to be good for her in the long run.

by Jeanine on Oct. 15, 2012 at 3:14 PM
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 I've had 2 kids get married and no one even suggested I sit with my ex and his wife!  They sat in the pew behind me.   I can certainly understand why you are so upset with the way you were treated at the wedding.  At this point I think you should not email anymore.  You need to have a sit down conversation face to face and try to clear the air.  Good luck!

btw, this is from Bridal Guide.  You might want to show this to your dd...

Am I expected to sit with my ex-husband at our daughter’s wedding ceremony?

Q: Am I expected to sit with my ex-husband at our daughter’s wedding ceremony? Also, should we dance together after the father/daughter and mother/son dances? I have remarried and don’t want my husband to feel slighted. —Jamestown, Rhode Island

A: If you have a good relationship with your ex, both of you may sit in the first row, along with your spouses or significant others. If, however, your relationship is strained, then you (or the parent who lived with and primarily raised the bride) sit in the first row and the other parent in the third row. Grandparents and siblings occupy the second row. As far as having to dance with your ex-husband, it is not expected. When the parents are called to the dance floor, you should dance with your husband, and your ex can dance with his wife or date.

by Amy on Oct. 15, 2012 at 3:14 PM
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 I can understand why your feelings are hurt.  Here comes the "but".  Her feelings are hurt also and continuing to talk about the wedding will just perpetuate the issue and continue the hurt feelings on both sides.  I know you feel like you haven't done anything wrong, but she obviously does feel like that.  How about sending her an email without explaining your side or position and apologize for hurting her feelings and let her know that it wasn't your intention to create any issues.  I would also state that for the record, the groom's brother did apologize to you because he had accused the wrong person.  Just tell her that you do miss her and ask if you guys can move forward from there. 

My 22 yo is the mother of my grandson and I have had to do A LOT of swallowing my pride and/or hurt feelings so that I can maintain a relationship with my grandson.  She knows that she holds all the cards and it is not beyond her to withhold Mason just to be hateful, so I just keep our relationship "light".  

by Platinum Member on Oct. 15, 2012 at 3:51 PM
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I think the wedding incidents were blown way out of preportion. Both of you need to leave it behind you. Now the ultersound pictures, IMO, you are being a little petty. She sent you the picture but because she didn't write a "note" you're upset. Petty.
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by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 4:42 PM
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I am sorry that you are being treated this way, but wonder if there is more to the situation, i.e., from way before the wedding than you have shared.  Weddings should be happy times, but this sounds anything but for a lot of family involved. 

by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 5:16 PM

 Ugh, weddings....for a time that is supposed to be so happy it is so stressful. The key is to put on your big girl panties and just move on. What is done is done, you cannot change it and trying to win your point just keeps the wounds open.

Tell her you are sorry for the misunderstanding's and hurt feelings and let's move on, 30 years is too much to waste on one need to be specific, no need to try to place blame or defend, just it is over, it is done and lets move on.

any future contacts should be about her, the baby and her new life. That may not be what you want but it seems to be what she wants, so for now just go with the flow.

by Susie on Oct. 15, 2012 at 5:32 PM
You should have worked it out way before. Why didn't you each have a pew to yourself???? It all seems pretty petty though. Ya'all need counseling. HS drama to me.
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by Becky on Oct. 15, 2012 at 5:49 PM

This sounds like something from The Jerry Springer show.  As the mother of the bride, I think you should have swallowed your pride a bit, and given in a little regarding the step mother and ex husband.  It was your daughter's day, and you found a way to make it about you.

My only child, my daughter, got married just over 2 weeks ago.  My ex (thankfully) wasn't there - he's not been a part of her life since she was about a year and a half, and he's a whack job and she knows it.  Her grandmother (his mother) has been a big part of her life, but that woman and I aren't on good terms at all these days.  Daughter knows all about, much of it is the way daughter and grandkids have been treated, and some of it is the way I myself have been treated, not only by that woman, but by her daughters as well.  

That woman made a comment before the bridal shower to a mutual friend of ours, that she was "concerned" about having to be at the shower, with me there.  Puh-leeze.  This is my one and only child, and I bend over backwards for my daughter and grandchildren, and that woman knows it.  I'm THE LAST person that would cause a scene at either the shower or the wedding.  After the wedding, I heard the woman (on speaker phone w/ my daughter, not knowing I was in the room w/ my daughter) say that she and I "even hugged a few times" at the wedding - again, I'm THE LAST person that would cause drama of any kind for my daughter.  

My point is, I was civil to her.  That woman seems to think our relationship is on the way to being peachy again, but it isn't.  I have big issues with her still, that I refuse to let her sweep under the rug, but I won't get the opportunity to say anything to her without it being told to the rest of her family, and I will only ever see her at my daughter's, and even then, even though it's not a wedding or shower in the future, I will NOT cause drama for my daughter. 

I think people just need to swallow some pride and give a little more to their children in the case of a wedding. 

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