Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Why does our adult son hate us?

Posted by   + Show Post

He never comes around unless he needs help or money. He's on our car insurance otherwise he can't afford it.(we do not pay for it) He keeps getting parking tickets (that he pays for) in our name but my DH just keeps letting it slide (doesn't get made about it). My step-son lives with his mom just a mile down the street. He's 21. Is this normal? I don't remember doing this to my mom. I at least called her twice a week, this kid never even calls.


Edit:

DS pays for his insurance, tuition, car tags, repairs, job related items etc....goes to school 5-6 hours per day and words as a shift manager at Jamba Juice going on 3 years.

by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 3:20 PM
Replies (41-50):
2Birds1Stone
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 2:15 PM

Again.....he paid the tickets, he is in the process of getting his own insurance and car in his own name as well.

He has always paid his way, just cheaper by him being on our insurance that's all. 

Quoting hugss:

And now he no longer is right?
Is the car still in your name?
If he is not on your insurance then if he doesn't pay the tickets eventually he will have more consequences :(

Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Because he was on our insurance and the car in our name.

Quoting hugss:

You said the parking tickets are in your/dh's name .. why is that?

Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

He's been paying his car insurance and parking tickets from the start Not sure why everyone has assumed that DH and I did that for him. I never said that we did. 

Should we also take him off of our health insurance? I mean it will cost him about 450.00 a month, but one mother said he needs to do it for himself. He goes to school 5-6 hours per day and works as a shift manager at Jamba juice right now. Oh and he pay his own tuition.

Quoting hugss:

That's a start, LOL
Just try to keep talking with him :)

Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

He pays his own insurance and parking tickets.

Quoting hugss:

Try talking to him,
I do agree with the others he needs to be paying his own so he can feel the pain of paying off his own parking tickets as well :)








atlmom2
by Gold Member on Nov. 17, 2012 at 2:21 PM
I worked for $2 an hour and still paid car insurance and health insurance. It was not super cheap but I did it. I worked part time and went to school.


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Oh so did I. 

Clinton was in office, and things were affordable, jobs were in plenty. 

He pays for his insurance, tickets, tuition, car repairs, car tags, and one mother said he should be paying his health insurance as well. It will cost about $450.00 per month to stay with the company he's had since birth.

Quoting atlmom2:

I paid my car insurance the week I graduated hs. The bill was on me. Pay it or don't drive.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
myforkintheroad
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 2:22 PM

Some kids do this to see if their parents will 'pay' to 'get them back'. Been there. They will come around or keep in contact as long as they are getting what they want from the parent. The parent is forgotten until something else comes up that they can't/don't want to pay for, then they run to the parent. Shutting down any monetary help stops the enabling and causes the child to stand up and be responsible for themselves. Support can be given emotionally and of course, encouragement, but I'm a firm believer in: if you don't help yourself, we aren't going to either. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. It takes a wise parent to see that line and enforce it.

myforkintheroad
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 2:27 PM
1 mom liked this

Some kids do this to see if their parents will 'pay' to 'get them back'. Been there. They will come around or keep in contact as long as they are getting what they want from the parent. The parent is forgotten until something else comes up that they can't/don't want to pay for, then they run to the parent. Shutting down any monetary help stops the enabling and causes the child to stand up and be responsible for themselves. Support can be given emotionally and of course, encouragement, but I'm a firm believer in: if you don't help yourself, we aren't going to either. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. It takes a wise parent to see that line and enforce it. I think this is more common with children from divorced parents. They like to play their parents against each other to get what they want. They don't care if it causes problems in the 'remarried' part of the parents lives.......sort of a way to show the other partner that they still have control and that you won't be coming ahead of them in line, that they still matter more than you do. Anyway, that is what I have/am experiencing.

GoodPenny
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 6:34 PM
1 mom liked this
Op,...it seems for the most part that you are meeting the needs of your adult son during this very difficult time in this economical uncertainty. It's hard for middle age individuals to make it right now, imagine how hard it is for children just leaving the nest with no college digree? You have not given your son too much by no means, you have done what any good parent would do. However, the distance your step son is exhibiting has nothing to do with being an entitled spoiled brat and most likely to do with the fact that he has some unresolved anger issues with his father and you the step mom. Can I ask who left who in your current husbands first marriage? And how old was step son at the time?
CoeyG
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 6:41 PM


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:


Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

I already stated he lives with his mother a mile down the road. 

I also already stated that he is in the process of being taken off our insurance. 

We helped out for a few years because he went to school and could only work part time. His hours have now increased. 

Insurance for him on his own was going to be $200.00 per month as a new young driver. 

Now he's 21 and has some years and experience under his belt. 

From what I know, he does not pay rent at his moms due to the fact he's still in school about 5-6 hours a day. Her rule is stay in school and she will help him by letting him stay rent free. 

Should we take him off of our health insurance too? I mean if he needs to be on his own entirely?

Quoting CoeyG:

You are enabling your son's behavior, you husband keeps paying the tickets and you keep him on your car insurance.  Your husband is aware that his insurance rates are going to go up because of those tickets right?  And why are they in your husband's name?  Is the car not registered to your son?  If not why not?  As for the 21 year old.  What isn't normal about it, he is 21 and living at home...are you making him pay rent and help out with the bills?  If not, why not?  He is an adult and should be paying his own way, just as your son who lives outside your home.  The reason they treat you the way they do is because you allow them to


As far as the health insurance goes that depends upon the divorce decree between his mother and father.  I know my daughter was no longer on my ex's health insurance when she turned 21, I was glad she had a job that offered it as well as the fact that she was able to get a secondary policy by being a full time college student.  I wouldn't be "in the process of getting him off" my car insurance, he never would have been put on to begin with unless it was in the divorce papers.  The fact that it would have cost him $200 a month, that's the price one has to pay.  If the 21 year old isn't pay his mother rent that is her problem.  And if he is no longer eligble for child support under the court order then there is no reason to give him money.  He's a big boy, he needs to learn how to live within a budget and to take care of his own needs by himself.  You mean like the rest of American? Sorry couldn't resist lol!!

Legally, we are not responsbile for him. So should we cut him off our health insurance or not? 

Hell yes.  In fact the health insurance could come back to you to be repaid anything they paid out after he was no longer your husband's responsibility because he should have been taken off at that time.  

2Birds1Stone
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 6:45 PM


Good Penny, you're a good mom, I can just tell!

Yes, I know for a fact it is the economy and the fact that we understand how hard it is nowadays for most others, why wouldn't it be for a young adult. There's welfare, food stamps, and college assistance for so many, but he does not qualify. That's just sad. So while others can get help from the government but we are chastised for helping our own son? Makes no sense. lol...

My husband asked his first wife for a divorce, and my step son was 8 at the time. Why?







Quoting GoodPenny:

Op,...it seems for the most part that you are meeting the needs of your adult son during this very difficult time in this economical uncertainty. It's hard for middle age individuals to make it right now, imagine how hard it is for children just leaving the nest with no college digree? You have not given your son too much by no means, you have done what any good parent would do. However, the distance your step son is exhibiting has nothing to do with being an entitled spoiled brat and most likely to do with the fact that he has some unresolved anger issues with his father and you the step mom. Can I ask who left who in your current husbands first marriage? And how old was step son at the time?


2Birds1Stone
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 6:47 PM


Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:


Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

I already stated he lives with his mother a mile down the road. 

I also already stated that he is in the process of being taken off our insurance. 

We helped out for a few years because he went to school and could only work part time. His hours have now increased. 

Insurance for him on his own was going to be $200.00 per month as a new young driver. 

Now he's 21 and has some years and experience under his belt. 

From what I know, he does not pay rent at his moms due to the fact he's still in school about 5-6 hours a day. Her rule is stay in school and she will help him by letting him stay rent free. 

Should we take him off of our health insurance too? I mean if he needs to be on his own entirely?

Quoting CoeyG:

You are enabling your son's behavior, you husband keeps paying the tickets and you keep him on your car insurance.  Your husband is aware that his insurance rates are going to go up because of those tickets right?  And why are they in your husband's name?  Is the car not registered to your son?  If not why not?  As for the 21 year old.  What isn't normal about it, he is 21 and living at home...are you making him pay rent and help out with the bills?  If not, why not?  He is an adult and should be paying his own way, just as your son who lives outside your home.  The reason they treat you the way they do is because you allow them to


As far as the health insurance goes that depends upon the divorce decree between his mother and father.  I know my daughter was no longer on my ex's health insurance when she turned 21, I was glad she had a job that offered it as well as the fact that she was able to get a secondary policy by being a full time college student.  I wouldn't be "in the process of getting him off" my car insurance, he never would have been put on to begin with unless it was in the divorce papers.  The fact that it would have cost him $200 a month, that's the price one has to pay.  If the 21 year old isn't pay his mother rent that is her problem.  And if he is no longer eligble for child support under the court order then there is no reason to give him money.  He's a big boy, he needs to learn how to live within a budget and to take care of his own needs by himself.  You mean like the rest of American? Sorry couldn't resist lol!!

Legally, we are not responsbile for him. So should we cut him off our health insurance or not? 

Hell yes.  In fact the health insurance could come back to you to be repaid anything they paid out after he was no longer your husband's responsibility because he should have been taken off at that time.  

Our health insurance allows our children to stay on until age 25. I'm asking you should we take him off now just because he needs to learn to pay his own way? 

2Birds1Stone
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 6:48 PM

Was this is in the 60's or 70's?

Quoting atlmom2:

I worked for $2 an hour and still paid car insurance and health insurance. It was not super cheap but I did it. I worked part time and went to school.


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Oh so did I. 

Clinton was in office, and things were affordable, jobs were in plenty. 

He pays for his insurance, tickets, tuition, car repairs, car tags, and one mother said he should be paying his health insurance as well. It will cost about $450.00 per month to stay with the company he's had since birth.

Quoting atlmom2:

I paid my car insurance the week I graduated hs. The bill was on me. Pay it or don't drive.




atlmom2
by Gold Member on Nov. 17, 2012 at 6:51 PM
1979


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Was this is in the 60's or 70's?

Quoting atlmom2:

I worked for $2 an hour and still paid car insurance and health insurance. It was not super cheap but I did it. I worked part time and went to school.





Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Oh so did I. 

Clinton was in office, and things were affordable, jobs were in plenty. 

He pays for his insurance, tickets, tuition, car repairs, car tags, and one mother said he should be paying his health insurance as well. It will cost about $450.00 per month to stay with the company he's had since birth.

Quoting atlmom2:

I paid my car insurance the week I graduated hs. The bill was on me. Pay it or don't drive.






Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)