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Why does our adult son hate us?

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He never comes around unless he needs help or money. He's on our car insurance otherwise he can't afford it.(we do not pay for it) He keeps getting parking tickets (that he pays for) in our name but my DH just keeps letting it slide (doesn't get made about it). My step-son lives with his mom just a mile down the street. He's 21. Is this normal? I don't remember doing this to my mom. I at least called her twice a week, this kid never even calls.


Edit:

DS pays for his insurance, tuition, car tags, repairs, job related items etc....goes to school 5-6 hours per day and words as a shift manager at Jamba Juice going on 3 years.

by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 3:20 PM
Replies (51-60):
CoeyG
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 11:06 PM


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:


Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:


Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

I already stated he lives with his mother a mile down the road. 

I also already stated that he is in the process of being taken off our insurance. 

We helped out for a few years because he went to school and could only work part time. His hours have now increased. 

Insurance for him on his own was going to be $200.00 per month as a new young driver. 

Now he's 21 and has some years and experience under his belt. 

From what I know, he does not pay rent at his moms due to the fact he's still in school about 5-6 hours a day. Her rule is stay in school and she will help him by letting him stay rent free. 

Should we take him off of our health insurance too? I mean if he needs to be on his own entirely?

Quoting CoeyG:

You are enabling your son's behavior, you husband keeps paying the tickets and you keep him on your car insurance.  Your husband is aware that his insurance rates are going to go up because of those tickets right?  And why are they in your husband's name?  Is the car not registered to your son?  If not why not?  As for the 21 year old.  What isn't normal about it, he is 21 and living at home...are you making him pay rent and help out with the bills?  If not, why not?  He is an adult and should be paying his own way, just as your son who lives outside your home.  The reason they treat you the way they do is because you allow them to


As far as the health insurance goes that depends upon the divorce decree between his mother and father.  I know my daughter was no longer on my ex's health insurance when she turned 21, I was glad she had a job that offered it as well as the fact that she was able to get a secondary policy by being a full time college student.  I wouldn't be "in the process of getting him off" my car insurance, he never would have been put on to begin with unless it was in the divorce papers.  The fact that it would have cost him $200 a month, that's the price one has to pay.  If the 21 year old isn't pay his mother rent that is her problem.  And if he is no longer eligble for child support under the court order then there is no reason to give him money.  He's a big boy, he needs to learn how to live within a budget and to take care of his own needs by himself.  You mean like the rest of American? Sorry couldn't resist lol!!

Legally, we are not responsbile for him. So should we cut him off our health insurance or not? 

Hell yes.  In fact the health insurance could come back to you to be repaid anything they paid out after he was no longer your husband's responsibility because he should have been taken off at that time.  

Our health insurance allows our children to stay on until age 25. I'm asking you should we take him off now just because he needs to learn to pay his own way? 

I can tell you this, when I was 21 I had been paying my own health insurance from my job for two years.  When I was 21 I drove a brand new car off the lot and I had the title (Yes I paid cash) and the isnurance for that vehicle was in my name and I paid the first 6 months up front out of my own bank account from my own paychecks because I worked full time.  I had my own apartment and I paid the rent as well as heat/cooling, and water cable bills and of course groceries.  

At 21 my daughter was paying me rent because she wanted to live with me, I lived close to where she went full time to college and where she also had a full time job.  She also paid half the household bills and paid for some of the groceries, she took care of her own medical bills.  She didn't drive but had she done so she would have paid for her own car and insurance as well.  She was lucky that she had a  mom who made sure her college tuition was paid for by her father in the divorce but she was responsible for the books (that I sometimes helped pay for), she also took out a loan that she wound up payin off before she got her degree.  I don't give able bodied adults a free ride.  Even when she lost her job due to health issues, she helped me around the house, she took care of my health issures as well as paid what she could out of her unemployment, she also took care of her own medical needs because I didn't have medical insurance and could barely afford my own health costs.  Oxygen isn't cheap LOL, The way I look at it, if by the time they are 21 and there is no more child support they'd better start learning how to support themselves, even while there is chld support they should be learning to pay their own way by taking care of their needs, my daughter started paying rent when she was 18, child support ended at 21.  By the way unless you are an ex of Donald Trump, child support rarely covers everything for the child LOL.  Even what I got left me almost $300 short if I had to totally rely on it to support my daughter, thank goodness I was working myself.

2Birds1Stone
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 11:56 PM
1 mom liked this

I thought so...lol

Quoting atlmom2:

1979


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Was this is in the 60's or 70's?

Quoting atlmom2:

I worked for $2 an hour and still paid car insurance and health insurance. It was not super cheap but I did it. I worked part time and went to school.





Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Oh so did I. 

Clinton was in office, and things were affordable, jobs were in plenty. 

He pays for his insurance, tickets, tuition, car repairs, car tags, and one mother said he should be paying his health insurance as well. It will cost about $450.00 per month to stay with the company he's had since birth.

Quoting atlmom2:

I paid my car insurance the week I graduated hs. The bill was on me. Pay it or don't drive.







2Birds1Stone
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 12:09 AM
1 mom liked this

WOW...you were really an independent woman! 

I did all the things you did as well. And it was not hard at all.  I owned my first business by the time was 18 because I was able to get right into college out of HS. I had my own apartment at 19, and a new car that my mom carried the loan on at a fair 11% interest because I had no credit at the time to get one on my own.

My mom is now a millionaire and has never given me one red cent, nor have I asked. Not even for college or to start me off on my life But you know what, it's made me a stronger more independent person for it. In fact, I'm so independent that I don't need my mom at all and haven't spoken to her in 3 years lol!! She says she's written me out of the will lol...I just laughed...I said  "Well mom, can't miss what I never had". It's funny because now that she's older she tries to use money as a tool to control me, well she's the one that taught me never give your kids anything, not even love. It's kinda come back to bite her on the ass.

Oh, but I still want to know, should I take my son off of our health insurance just to teach him that it's important to pay everything on his own? He'll be paying $450.00 per month due to pre-existing conditions that he has. Legally he can stay on until he's 25. But should that trump the fact that he needs to learn to live with only what he can pay for? I'm not asking you about your life and what you did when you were a young adult, because well, can't compare then and now, but I enjoyed hearing about it anyway :)

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:


Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:


Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

I already stated he lives with his mother a mile down the road. 

I also already stated that he is in the process of being taken off our insurance. 

We helped out for a few years because he went to school and could only work part time. His hours have now increased. 

Insurance for him on his own was going to be $200.00 per month as a new young driver. 

Now he's 21 and has some years and experience under his belt. 

From what I know, he does not pay rent at his moms due to the fact he's still in school about 5-6 hours a day. Her rule is stay in school and she will help him by letting him stay rent free. 

Should we take him off of our health insurance too? I mean if he needs to be on his own entirely?

Quoting CoeyG:

You are enabling your son's behavior, you husband keeps paying the tickets and you keep him on your car insurance.  Your husband is aware that his insurance rates are going to go up because of those tickets right?  And why are they in your husband's name?  Is the car not registered to your son?  If not why not?  As for the 21 year old.  What isn't normal about it, he is 21 and living at home...are you making him pay rent and help out with the bills?  If not, why not?  He is an adult and should be paying his own way, just as your son who lives outside your home.  The reason they treat you the way they do is because you allow them to


As far as the health insurance goes that depends upon the divorce decree between his mother and father.  I know my daughter was no longer on my ex's health insurance when she turned 21, I was glad she had a job that offered it as well as the fact that she was able to get a secondary policy by being a full time college student.  I wouldn't be "in the process of getting him off" my car insurance, he never would have been put on to begin with unless it was in the divorce papers.  The fact that it would have cost him $200 a month, that's the price one has to pay.  If the 21 year old isn't pay his mother rent that is her problem.  And if he is no longer eligble for child support under the court order then there is no reason to give him money.  He's a big boy, he needs to learn how to live within a budget and to take care of his own needs by himself.  You mean like the rest of American? Sorry couldn't resist lol!!

Legally, we are not responsbile for him. So should we cut him off our health insurance or not? 

Hell yes.  In fact the health insurance could come back to you to be repaid anything they paid out after he was no longer your husband's responsibility because he should have been taken off at that time.  

Our health insurance allows our children to stay on until age 25. I'm asking you should we take him off now just because he needs to learn to pay his own way? 

I can tell you this, when I was 21 I had been paying my own health insurance from my job for two years.  When I was 21 I drove a brand new car off the lot and I had the title (Yes I paid cash) and the isnurance for that vehicle was in my name and I paid the first 6 months up front out of my own bank account from my own paychecks because I worked full time.  I had my own apartment and I paid the rent as well as heat/cooling, and water cable bills and of course groceries.  

At 21 my daughter was paying me rent because she wanted to live with me, I lived close to where she went full time to college and where she also had a full time job.  She also paid half the household bills and paid for some of the groceries, she took care of her own medical bills.  She didn't drive but had she done so she would have paid for her own car and insurance as well.  She was lucky that she had a  mom who made sure her college tuition was paid for by her father in the divorce but she was responsible for the books (that I sometimes helped pay for), she also took out a loan that she wound up payin off before she got her degree.  I don't give able bodied adults a free ride.  Even when she lost her job due to health issues, she helped me around the house, she took care of my health issures as well as paid what she could out of her unemployment, she also took care of her own medical needs because I didn't have medical insurance and could barely afford my own health costs.  Oxygen isn't cheap LOL, The way I look at it, if by the time they are 21 and there is no more child support they'd better start learning how to support themselves, even while there is chld support they should be learning to pay their own way by taking care of their needs, my daughter started paying rent when she was 18, child support ended at 21.  By the way unless you are an ex of Donald Trump, child support rarely covers everything for the child LOL.  Even what I got left me almost $300 short if I had to totally rely on it to support my daughter, thank goodness I was working myself.


GoodPenny
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 1:03 AM
1 mom liked this
Are you going to answer the op about whether or not she should remove her 21 year old son from her insurance? Or are you going to keep talking about how independent you were way back when when there was no recession or fiscal cliff approaching?
Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:


Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:


Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

I already stated he lives with his mother a mile down the road. 

I also already stated that he is in the process of being taken off our insurance. 

We helped out for a few years because he went to school and could only work part time. His hours have now increased. 

Insurance for him on his own was going to be $200.00 per month as a new young driver. 

Now he's 21 and has some years and experience under his belt. 

From what I know, he does not pay rent at his moms due to the fact he's still in school about 5-6 hours a day. Her rule is stay in school and she will help him by letting him stay rent free. 

Should we take him off of our health insurance too? I mean if he needs to be on his own entirely?

Quoting CoeyG:

You are enabling your son's behavior, you husband keeps paying the tickets and you keep him on your car insurance.  Your husband is aware that his insurance rates are going to go up because of those tickets right?  And why are they in your husband's name?  Is the car not registered to your son?  If not why not?  As for the 21 year old.  What isn't normal about it, he is 21 and living at home...are you making him pay rent and help out with the bills?  If not, why not?  He is an adult and should be paying his own way, just as your son who lives outside your home.  The reason they treat you the way they do is because you allow them to


As far as the health insurance goes that depends upon the divorce decree between his mother and father.  I know my daughter was no longer on my ex's health insurance when she turned 21, I was glad she had a job that offered it as well as the fact that she was able to get a secondary policy by being a full time college student.  I wouldn't be "in the process of getting him off" my car insurance, he never would have been put on to begin with unless it was in the divorce papers.  The fact that it would have cost him $200 a month, that's the price one has to pay.  If the 21 year old isn't pay his mother rent that is her problem.  And if he is no longer eligble for child support under the court order then there is no reason to give him money.  He's a big boy, he needs to learn how to live within a budget and to take care of his own needs by himself.  You mean like the rest of American? Sorry couldn't resist lol!!

Legally, we are not responsbile for him. So should we cut him off our health insurance or not? 

Hell yes.  In fact the health insurance could come back to you to be repaid anything they paid out after he was no longer your husband's responsibility because he should have been taken off at that time.  

Our health insurance allows our children to stay on until age 25. I'm asking you should we take him off now just because he needs to learn to pay his own way? 

I can tell you this, when I was 21 I had been paying my own health insurance from my job for two years.  When I was 21 I drove a brand new car off the lot and I had the title (Yes I paid cash) and the isnurance for that vehicle was in my name and I paid the first 6 months up front out of my own bank account from my own paychecks because I worked full time.  I had my own apartment and I paid the rent as well as heat/cooling, and water cable bills and of course groceries.  

At 21 my daughter was paying me rent because she wanted to live with me, I lived close to where she went full time to college and where she also had a full time job.  She also paid half the household bills and paid for some of the groceries, she took care of her own medical bills.  She didn't drive but had she done so she would have paid for her own car and insurance as well.  She was lucky that she had a  mom who made sure her college tuition was paid for by her father in the divorce but she was responsible for the books (that I sometimes helped pay for), she also took out a loan that she wound up payin off before she got her degree.  I don't give able bodied adults a free ride.  Even when she lost her job due to health issues, she helped me around the house, she took care of my health issures as well as paid what she could out of her unemployment, she also took care of her own medical needs because I didn't have medical insurance and could barely afford my own health costs.  Oxygen isn't cheap LOL, The way I look at it, if by the time they are 21 and there is no more child support they'd better start learning how to support themselves, even while there is chld support they should be learning to pay their own way by taking care of their needs, my daughter started paying rent when she was 18, child support ended at 21.  By the way unless you are an ex of Donald Trump, child support rarely covers everything for the child LOL.  Even what I got left me almost $300 short if I had to totally rely on it to support my daughter, thank goodness I was working myself.


SEE A PENNY, PICK IT UP, THEN WAIT TO SEE WHO GIVES A FU- -!
Its.me.Sam.
by Bronze Member on Nov. 18, 2012 at 2:20 AM

lol yeah not necessarily

Quoting atlmom2:

He's a guy, and girls are more caring.


atlmom2
by Susie on Nov. 18, 2012 at 8:36 AM
Actually $2.10 an hour. So paying several hundred a year for car insurance meant I worked a hell of a lot of hours to cover it. I made about $11 hours a shift and that was before taxes. Then I paid for medical for a while as well.

Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

I thought so...lol

Quoting atlmom2:

1979





Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Was this is in the 60's or 70's?

Quoting atlmom2:

I worked for $2 an hour and still paid car insurance and health insurance. It was not super cheap but I did it. I worked part time and went to school.








Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Oh so did I. 

Clinton was in office, and things were affordable, jobs were in plenty. 

He pays for his insurance, tickets, tuition, car repairs, car tags, and one mother said he should be paying his health insurance as well. It will cost about $450.00 per month to stay with the company he's had since birth.

Quoting atlmom2:

I paid my car insurance the week I graduated hs. The bill was on me. Pay it or don't drive.











Posted on CafeMom Mobile
GoodPenny
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 9:49 AM
1 mom liked this
It's just so amazing that you were able to do so well at a time of such economical uncertainty, fiscal chaos, and a recession looming, and unemployment at around 9%. How did you do it when e en seasoned adults around you were losing their homes and living in rescue missions? Oh wait...I keep forgetting...you are not talking about 2012....you're talking about 33 years ago lol!!
Quoting atlmom2:

Actually $2.10 an hour. So paying several hundred a year for car insurance meant I worked a hell of a lot of hours to cover it. I made about $11 hours a shift and that was before taxes. Then I paid for medical for a while as well.

Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

I thought so...lol

Quoting atlmom2:

1979





Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Was this is in the 60's or 70's?

Quoting atlmom2:

I worked for $2 an hour and still paid car insurance and health insurance. It was not super cheap but I did it. I worked part time and went to school.








Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Oh so did I. 

Clinton was in office, and things were affordable, jobs were in plenty. 

He pays for his insurance, tickets, tuition, car repairs, car tags, and one mother said he should be paying his health insurance as well. It will cost about $450.00 per month to stay with the company he's had since birth.

Quoting atlmom2:

I paid my car insurance the week I graduated hs. The bill was on me. Pay it or don't drive.












atlmom2
by Susie on Nov. 18, 2012 at 10:37 AM
Lol, my dd is 21. She bust her ass waiting tables to pay her bills. She managed to save $14,000 in 3 years for a hefty down payment.on her car. She now lived with hwr boyfriend. He works 2 jobs. When there is a will there is a way.


Quoting GoodPenny:


It's just so amazing that you were able to do so well at a time of such economical uncertainty, fiscal chaos, and a recession looming, and unemployment at around 9%. How did you do it when e en seasoned adults around you were losing their homes and living in rescue missions? Oh wait...I keep forgetting...you are not talking about 2012....you're talking about 33 years ago lol!!





Quoting atlmom2:

Actually $2.10 an hour. So paying several hundred a year for car insurance meant I worked a hell of a lot of hours to cover it. I made about $11 hours a shift and that was before taxes. Then I paid for medical for a while as well.


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

I thought so...lol

Quoting atlmom2:

1979





Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Was this is in the 60's or 70's?

Quoting atlmom2:

I worked for $2 an hour and still paid car insurance and health insurance. It was not super cheap but I did it. I worked part time and went to school.








Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Oh so did I. 

Clinton was in office, and things were affordable, jobs were in plenty. 

He pays for his insurance, tickets, tuition, car repairs, car tags, and one mother said he should be paying his health insurance as well. It will cost about $450.00 per month to stay with the company he's had since birth.

Quoting atlmom2:

I paid my car insurance the week I graduated hs. The bill was on me. Pay it or don't drive.















Posted on CafeMom Mobile
atlmom2
by Susie on Nov. 18, 2012 at 10:37 AM
Lol, my dd is 21. She bust her ass waiting tables to pay her bills. She managed to save $14,000 in 3 years for a hefty down payment.on her car. She now lived with hwr boyfriend. He works 2 jobs. When there is a will there is a way.


Quoting GoodPenny:


It's just so amazing that you were able to do so well at a time of such economical uncertainty, fiscal chaos, and a recession looming, and unemployment at around 9%. How did you do it when e en seasoned adults around you were losing their homes and living in rescue missions? Oh wait...I keep forgetting...you are not talking about 2012....you're talking about 33 years ago lol!!





Quoting atlmom2:

Actually $2.10 an hour. So paying several hundred a year for car insurance meant I worked a hell of a lot of hours to cover it. I made about $11 hours a shift and that was before taxes. Then I paid for medical for a while as well.


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

I thought so...lol

Quoting atlmom2:

1979





Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Was this is in the 60's or 70's?

Quoting atlmom2:

I worked for $2 an hour and still paid car insurance and health insurance. It was not super cheap but I did it. I worked part time and went to school.








Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Oh so did I. 

Clinton was in office, and things were affordable, jobs were in plenty. 

He pays for his insurance, tickets, tuition, car repairs, car tags, and one mother said he should be paying his health insurance as well. It will cost about $450.00 per month to stay with the company he's had since birth.

Quoting atlmom2:

I paid my car insurance the week I graduated hs. The bill was on me. Pay it or don't drive.















Posted on CafeMom Mobile
2Birds1Stone
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 10:53 AM
1 mom liked this

Tell that to all those 65 and over who lost their life savings, and to the single mom who is now living on the streets. I'm sure it will go over well lol!!

Quoting atlmom2:

Lol, my dd is 21. She bust her ass waiting tables to pay her bills. She managed to save $14,000 in 3 years for a hefty down payment.on her car. She now lived with hwr boyfriend. He works 2 jobs. When there is a will there is a way.


Quoting GoodPenny:


It's just so amazing that you were able to do so well at a time of such economical uncertainty, fiscal chaos, and a recession looming, and unemployment at around 9%. How did you do it when e en seasoned adults around you were losing their homes and living in rescue missions? Oh wait...I keep forgetting...you are not talking about 2012....you're talking about 33 years ago lol!!





Quoting atlmom2:

Actually $2.10 an hour. So paying several hundred a year for car insurance meant I worked a hell of a lot of hours to cover it. I made about $11 hours a shift and that was before taxes. Then I paid for medical for a while as well.


Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

I thought so...lol

Quoting atlmom2:

1979





Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Was this is in the 60's or 70's?

Quoting atlmom2:

I worked for $2 an hour and still paid car insurance and health insurance. It was not super cheap but I did it. I worked part time and went to school.








Quoting 2Birds1Stone:

Oh so did I. 

Clinton was in office, and things were affordable, jobs were in plenty. 

He pays for his insurance, tickets, tuition, car repairs, car tags, and one mother said he should be paying his health insurance as well. It will cost about $450.00 per month to stay with the company he's had since birth.

Quoting atlmom2:

I paid my car insurance the week I graduated hs. The bill was on me. Pay it or don't drive.
















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