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*UP DATE*Irritated, confused, & want to be supportive(a little long)

Posted by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 11:24 AM
  • 17 Replies

Last Nov. after my osd wrecked her car (for the 2nd time, & DH was told it was totaled, tho he never saw it or pics,& osd never talked to him about it) His X and osd "elected" to call DH every time osd needed a ride to go some where. She was 19 btw, and DH has a full time job,and do a lot of over time. So I got "volunteered " I told DH I wasn't getting into this like last time, and osd just popping in and expecting me to drop everything (or change my schedule for her to get where she needed to go)

That is exactly what started to happen, @ first osd would call at night asking dh how she was getting to her classes or her dr appt or therapy, he would come to me. I told him, I'm not going thru this again! Finally we didn't hear from her, we figured she and her mom worked it out, well, I'm in bed with a throbbing migraine, and the dogs are barking like mad, I go to the living room and fuzzy eyed see "some one" coming in the back door, to realize it's osd! No call, or text! (we used to have a spare key hidden) I looked at her and said, Really? Don't u think this is inconsiderate, assuming I can take u where u need to be with no call or text?)  Her mom dropped her off! (I then thought maybe she text DH and he got busy @ work, and didn't tell me) but I text him and he hadn't heard from her. He text her to ask me if I could take her, but she never did.

Now, THAT was the straw that broke the camels back. It was the last time I took her anywhere. I told her she needed to take responsibility for her actions, start to act like and adult and figure out her own problems. She and her mom need to remember I"m not a door mat, and her mom and dad are divorced. Maybe osd should get a job, so my gas could be reimbursed, because IF this had been my own DD, she would be paying me gas money(yes my dd had a job). I wasn't mean or rude, nor did I yell or cuss. We don't speak now. 

My Dh's X has done quite the number on all the kids giving "her side" of the divorce, and putting horrible stories in their heads about me, none of which are true, she doesn't even know me, and DH and I met a yr after she and he split up. Osd, doesn't visit her dad. She won't return any of his texts, or his email. 

This past Christmas, she said she was coming to stay and get her presents with the other 2 kids, and didn't come, her presents sat here for 3 months! In March, the X called my DH to tell him osd had some prescts.@ the pharmacy totalling a little over $700.oo and she isn't paying her% until he pays his. (his responsibility for that ended when osd turned 18) but before than he had been asking about her medical issues, and they both refused to tell him even tho she was a minor, & wouldn't seek second opinions. DH told osd come the first of the yr her presct, wouldn't be covered until the deductible was met. This is the reason why she doesn't speak to him. Her mom told her her father refused to pay for her medication. (not true) He wants information on her medical issues, drs input etc. Now that she is "an adult" they are using that. 

Father's day I invited her to our celebration, she not only didn't come, she didn't call him, text him or send a card, same with his birthday the past 2 yrs. She also didn't get him any Christmas presents(tho that's not a biggie) He still keeps trying to reach out, for any tiny piece of "acceptance" from her, or what ever. He has actually gotten to take her for coffee 2 times(as long as he spends money on her,she will go) AND he is still paying child support for this now 20 yr old! (courts are so slow, it is supposed to end at 18!)She was invited to our family summer vacation, and said she would go, and then didn't show up with the other 2 kids(we paid extra for her)

I want to support him spending time w/her. I know she is his daughter. I also know, her mom has really, really alienated her from him. osd blames her anxiety on me, and her Chaos on me, He loves her. I don't like the "game " she is playing with him, I think she should be treated like the "adult" she thinks she is. I also think DH should put his foot down that I am his wife and be respected in our home, when she does come.(or if she is around me) He is going Tomorrow to pick her up at college, and he is going alone, he thinks that is best. I wonder what kind of message that sends? On the other hand, I know he wants to spend time with her, and this car ride will probably be the only time he gets to spend with her. (sorry this is so long) 

by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 11:24 AM
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Replies (1-10):
LadySaphira
by Lisa on Nov. 17, 2012 at 11:46 AM

Sounds like a big mess.

gr8d8n3mom
by Bronze Member on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:03 PM


Quoting LadySaphira:

Sounds like a big mess.

Yeah for sure! All our kids were/are older when we dated and got married, so I pretty much figured this wouldn't be a "blended" family situation. For the most part everyone else gets along when we are all together, which isn't very often now that 2 are in college, and 1 of mine is married, the other is also 20. 


planning a wedding


Shellness
by Michell on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:08 PM
1 mom liked this

Yes, a big mess. I would have him deal with her and stay out of it except where it concerns YOU. Keep yourself safe, but don't cause any ripples. Silence works best in some situation. Maybe one day she will grow up and think for herself.

CoeyG
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 6:50 PM
2 moms liked this

Is your husband still financially responsible for her? (child support), if so he should contact the mother and remind her that child support also takes care of any transportation needs of the child so she should get a bus pass and use it, maybe mom can take some of the CS money and purchase daughter a bicycle, or pay a taxi out of the CS money.   

If he no longer pays CS then tell her to stop calling that you are not a taxi service and if she intends to keep using you as such you will start charging for said service, I don't know how much taxi is in your area but To get from point A to B here it is $20 and your husband is not to volunteer you if he wants her to have a ride then he needs to make himself available.   And move that key, and next time she sneaks in, call the police, if she isn't invited into your home she is breaking and entering

DesignGirl450
by Lynda on Nov. 17, 2012 at 7:05 PM

I agree with Michell, that you should let her father deal with her.  She sounds very immature and needs some time  to grow up.  I hope that some day that you and her dad have a better relationship with this young woman. 

jabs54
by Jeanine on Nov. 17, 2012 at 8:42 PM

 It's sad when parents are immature and try to turn their kids against their ex's.  You would love to tell your husband to quit sucking up to this ungrateful, rude dd but you also need to support him trying to keep a relationship with her.  I would just step back and try to keep out of it.  I'm sure easier said than done :(

gr8d8n3mom
by Bronze Member on Nov. 18, 2012 at 9:13 AM


Quoting CoeyG:

Is your husband still financially responsible for her? (child support), if so he should contact the mother and remind her that child support also takes care of any transportation needs of the child so she should get a bus pass and use it, maybe mom can take some of the CS money and purchase daughter a bicycle, or pay a taxi out of the CS money.   

If he no longer pays CS then tell her to stop calling that you are not a taxi service and if she intends to keep using you as such you will start charging for said service, I don't know how much taxi is in your area but To get from point A to B here it is $20 and your husband is not to volunteer you if he wants her to have a ride then he needs to make himself available.   And move that key, and next time she sneaks in, call the police, if she isn't invited into your home she is breaking and entering

 * Coey u so get it!* This kid couldn't function on her own, their mom made sure they are totally dependent on her, they don't even know how to boil water, so to get a phone book and call a cab? She doesn't have a job!

The key got moved that very day!(there is no key now) Technically DH is not responsible for osd any longer, tho the courts are VERY slow, in getting family court stuff in to have her dropped(and now SS) from his CS, so he has to keep paying until a new CS order! Plus, osd now has another car, but for some odd reason, she won't take it to college!

I have made myself perfectly clear to my husband, I am no longer to be involved with anything that has to do with the skds. Not that I didn't want to in the beginning, I'm tired of it getting turned against me with lies(by them claiming I said things I didn't, or telling their mom half truths) or I become the taxi.

My biggest concern now, is the way she is treating my dh, and he lets her.(as he is looking for any type of her "reaching out to him") but it never is that, he is being used by her. I also, don't like the message he sends by not having me around or not telling her in our home, she is to respect me or don't come.(tho she hasn't been here but 2 times in the past yr) but when she is here, she flaunts all over like she lives here, walks right in, runs thru the house, jumps on the bed in the room she used to be in, etc.(DH wasn't home) another thing I told him wasn't happening again.

gr8d8n3mom
by Bronze Member on Nov. 18, 2012 at 9:16 AM


Quoting jabs54:

 It's sad when parents are immature and try to turn their kids against their ex's.  You would love to tell your husband to quit sucking up to this ungrateful, rude dd but you also need to support him trying to keep a relationship with her.  I would just step back and try to keep out of it.  I'm sure easier said than done :(

This is it exactly! I am going to try my very best to do as Michelle said. While he goes to pick her up today, I will go to a movie  with my 20 yr old. :) 

Part of the issue & problem with me being the "Taxi" is I have health issues, I see 9 different Dr.s on a regular basis, along w/ Physical Therapy, and I was always rescheduling this stuff for osd to get where she needed to go, with out a thank you. Much less my gas reimbursed.

nana9106
by Darlene on Nov. 18, 2012 at 9:38 AM
Yup this...

Quoting Shellness:

Yes, a big mess. I would have him deal with her and stay out of it except where it concerns YOU. Keep yourself safe, but don't cause any ripples. Silence works best in some situation. Maybe one day she will grow up and think for herself.

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CoeyG
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 5:56 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting gr8d8n3mom:


Quoting CoeyG:

Is your husband still financially responsible for her? (child support), if so he should contact the mother and remind her that child support also takes care of any transportation needs of the child so she should get a bus pass and use it, maybe mom can take some of the CS money and purchase daughter a bicycle, or pay a taxi out of the CS money.   

If he no longer pays CS then tell her to stop calling that you are not a taxi service and if she intends to keep using you as such you will start charging for said service, I don't know how much taxi is in your area but To get from point A to B here it is $20 and your husband is not to volunteer you if he wants her to have a ride then he needs to make himself available.   And move that key, and next time she sneaks in, call the police, if she isn't invited into your home she is breaking and entering

 * Coey u so get it!* This kid couldn't function on her own, their mom made sure they are totally dependent on her, they don't even know how to boil water, so to get a phone book and call a cab? She doesn't have a job!

The key got moved that very day!(there is no key now) Technically DH is not responsible for osd any longer, tho the courts are VERY slow, in getting family court stuff in to have her dropped(and now SS) from his CS, so he has to keep paying until a new CS order! Plus, osd now has another car, but for some odd reason, she won't take it to college!

I have made myself perfectly clear to my husband, I am no longer to be involved with anything that has to do with the skds. Not that I didn't want to in the beginning, I'm tired of it getting turned against me with lies(by them claiming I said things I didn't, or telling their mom half truths) or I become the taxi.

My biggest concern now, is the way she is treating my dh, and he lets her.(as he is looking for any type of her "reaching out to him") but it never is that, he is being used by her. I also, don't like the message he sends by not having me around or not telling her in our home, she is to respect me or don't come.(tho she hasn't been here but 2 times in the past yr) but when she is here, she flaunts all over like she lives here, walks right in, runs thru the house, jumps on the bed in the room she used to be in, etc.(DH wasn't home) another thing I told him wasn't happening again.

As long as your husband allows her to walk all over him she is going to do so.  While the courts may be slow he still doesn't have to put up with any crap from the the daughter or her mother and he needs to tell them both that.  It is one thing to be called in to help but another just to be used and that is all they are doing.  Once he unties the strings they will have to learn how to do things on their own, but he has to let go for that to happen.  Yes he loves his daughter, but that doesn't mean she can use him as a door mat and wipe her shitty shoes on him.  If he has to he needs to push her away so she can get her own life.  He is doing her no favors by taking care of everything for her.  

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