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This Group Spoils Me!!! Some Changes Going on in Life, too....LONG

Posted by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 5:59 PM
Amy
  • 14 Replies

 It just seems that you guys respond to posts much more than other groups.  I get frustrated at times when I post in another group and get little or no response.  Let's just say you validate me and make me feel loved, LOL!!

My family and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving even though it was just my oldest DD, grandson, oldest DS, and me.  My 20 yo DD is in jail (long story-let's just say she won't leave court without first seeing a judge ever again- it's considered failure to appear!!!), so I decided that I wasn't cooking for just us.  A friend of mine invited us to her house and it was wonderful.  Her extended family and lots of friends were there and everyone was so warm and inviting.  We really enjoyed ourselves.  And of course, I enjoyed showing off my grandbaby!!

Jessica is my oldest DD and Mason's mom.  She hasn't lived in my home since 2009 when she went off to school.  Since then, she has been in a serious relationship (with tons of ups and downs), had a baby, and finished school.  Her and her boyfriend recently moved back to the Dallas from about 2 hours away.  They were staying at his father's house and then went to live at his cousin's house.  This was to be temporary until they got their own apartment.  Unfortunately her BF lost his job and money has been tight for them and they hadn't saved any money.  Jessica says that she hasn't been comfortable at his family's home and asked if she and Mason could come and stay with me for a bit.  I told her they could, but to remember that they are not on my lease, so they couldn't be there indefinitely.  Here is my quandary...

Jessica is VERY hesitant about putting Mason in daycare.  She is a little over-protective and is scared that he could be mistreated or hurt and wouldn't be able to tell her because he can't talk.  The problem with this is the fact that her and her BF are both very young and not financially stable.  They both just got out of trade college and while BF does have a job in his field again, he does not make much money yet.  Jessica is having a hard time finding a job in her field because everyone is asking for 2 years experience and bilingual speaking techs.  Well, she has neither the experience nor the ability to speak another language.  Her BF has worked his tail off to support them.  He works wherever he can find a job.  He has worked at Taco Bell, Toy R Us, Kohl's, etc. to provide for them.  He has asked her to please find a job and help and she is basically refusing because she wants to be home with Mason.  I feel that it took a lot for him to ask for help and that if he is vocalizing to her that he wants her to help, she should do that.  He called me and asked me to talk to her about it because whenever they get into the discussion, she cuts him off and refuses to talk any more about it with him.  I REALLY don't want to get involved with their relationship, but I feel like he is trying and she is being a little immature about it.  He is right- they are not financially in a place for her to be a SAHM right now. 

So, when I went to pick her up on Wednesday to move them to my place, I brought up the subject and explained that to her.  I asked her to look at the situation from a different point of view and to understand that she also has to put the work into a better life instead of just expecting him to work hard to get them there.  I also explained that daycare for Mason would be a good opportunity for him to learn social skills and other things as well.  We had a really good talk and she seemed like she realized that she had been selfish to an extent.

I really felt close to her and that she actually listened to what I had to say.  Instead of yelling or carrying on or trying to control her actions, I explained it simply and with love.  I felt like an actual adult, LOL!  I guess it is how you say something and not what you say, but for so many years this girl would just roll her eyes at me and act like I was stupid.  I felt like she respected me and my opinion on something very important.

With all the said, I'm really quite worried about them living there.  I'm not used to having a little one around (my youngest is 18!) and I'm afraid I will get crabby.  I love Mason to bits, but he is at the age where he is just into EVERYTHING!!  I explained to both her and her BF (he's not staying at my place, tho) that they need to get their sh*t together quickly and get their own place.  I'm just afraid that we will butt heads living together and we are just now getting to a good place in our relationship...

This is long enough!  I will wrap it up by letting you ladies know that I am very thankful and grateful to have found this group.  Your posts have made me laugh, they've made me cry, and they've even gotten me fired up, but I am so glad to have such good women to lean on and learn from...you guys may not always tell me what I want to hear, but you certainly tell me what I need to hear.  Thank you for that. 

by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 5:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
suzeebloch
by Ronna on Nov. 23, 2012 at 6:48 PM
2 moms liked this

This is the only group I visit at Cafe mom.  I have made many friends here and it's fun to share, laugh and cry! 

Sounds like YOU are growing up ... lol.  Did you explain your concerns to Jessica about her and Mason living with you with as much honesty  as you did your talk to her on Wednesday? If not, you need to. Let her know you just what you told us - you are afraid of butting heads and the last thing you want is to tarnish the good place in your relationship.  I'm sure she will appreciate that.  I'm glad you were able to talk to her without yelling or carrying on though.  lol.  And I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that their stay will not be too intrusive and that Jessica and her BF do get their sh*t together soon! 

CoeyG
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 7:37 PM

The BF sounds like he is really trying here and at least his actions are those of an adult.  He knows what needs to be done and he is doing his part.  Your daughter however is still "Playing house" and she doesn't feel the reality of it.  I have to admit that I would be hard pressed to allow her to move back in with me without some form of move out date in writing.  I would give her three months and either she found a job and moved back with her husband or she would go to a homeless shelter, there they would have her getting herself together to get a job and would be setting up child care.  Yes she is a young mother but having that baby was what turned her into an adult and as an adult she needs to step up and hel the father of her child out or he could leave her and as the only parent willing to work to support that baby he could wind up getting custody of the child if the two of them split up because it is obvous she isn't willing to do what she can to help.  Wanting to stay at home and protect one's child is fine...if one can do so financially without totally depending upon the taxpayers.    

lisamarie1265
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 1:45 AM

You sound like a really great mom and grandma, I like that you explained things to your daughter with simplicity and love that's important, but she is a mother and an adult and she needs to make some decisions, daycare is a good thing, she can get a job and little mason can be around other children his age, and he will be in a place where he can "get into everything, and NOT make you crabby" cause by the time he gets home he will be to tired ..lol! Yes they do need to work together and they need to be responsible parents and get an apartment or even an affordable house to rent... But you are doing the right thing in my opinion by taking them in its helpful and shows you care. Hopefully once they get a place and are happy they won't butt heads, I would do as you are doing, my daughters are always welcome in THIER home, whether they have children (none yet) or hubby or bf in tow it's the kind of person I am... Please just be there and help her along, but give her the gentle push she needs to move along and get on with her own life in her own place with her son and Bf where she belongs... But don't ever throw her out... If your relationship is in a decent place... Keep it that way, be loving, but like I said give her the gentle push she needs.  Offer to help her find a job and a decent daycare... Remember they may be young adults but there is nothing wrong with a little help from Mom, as long as your working together .. Good luck to you, hope your 20yo is ok.... Bless! hugs

lisamarie1265
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 1:56 AM

Yes because a homeless shelter is just where a small child belongs... Not!!!!  Kicking people in the streets is not always the solution, I would never send my daughter to a shelter let alone a Gandbaby she has a home...my home my home IS her home.. Just my opinion...I agree that the BF is the responsible one right now, and she needs to get it together and get on with her own life,  but a little kindness and a gentle push will get this young mom on her way... Again just my opinion! 

Quoting CoeyG:

The BF sounds like he is really trying here and at least his actions are those of an adult.  He knows what needs to be done and he is doing his part.  Your daughter however is still "Playing house" and she doesn't feel the reality of it.  I have to admit that I would be hard pressed to allow her to move back in with me without some form of move out date in writing.  I would give her three months and either she found a job and moved back with her husband or she would go to a homeless shelter, there they would have her getting herself together to get a job and would be setting up child care.  Yes she is a young mother but having that baby was what turned her into an adult and as an adult she needs to step up and hel the father of her child out or he could leave her and as the only parent willing to work to support that baby he could wind up getting custody of the child if the two of them split up because it is obvous she isn't willing to do what she can to help.  Wanting to stay at home and protect one's child is fine...if one can do so financially without totally depending upon the taxpayers.    


jules8289
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 1:43 PM

I can understand your DD's fears. She is young and scared and worried that nobody can take care of her son as well as she does. But when times get tough it's time to look at the reality of it no matter how frightened you are. The money will pay the bills the same no matter where a paycheck is from. You have had a good conversation with her and that is hard to do!  and now I feel the ball is in her court to do something.  When you have a child it is time to be a parent and take care of your business and put your fears aside. I wish you luck and alot of patience!

gmadiane
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 2:44 PM

well your not in an easy position, I think I would let her know if they are going to stay with you that she does have to work, sometimes you have to push, you know its the best thing even if she does not want to see it, good luck to your family

homeskoolmama
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 5:03 PM

they sound responsible, asking for help, looking for work, doing what is necessary to provide. I do hope they both find jobs, soon. I understand. My gd is 2 and into EVERYthing. I love her dearly but could not have her live with me! Drive me nuts! She stays with my mom several days and nights a week. Not me.

I am glad she listened to you and that you two had a productive talk. that shows growth.

Happy late Thanksgiving and blessings over the next weeks to come.

hugss
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by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 5:12 PM

I think you did great talking to your DD & hopefully she will listen & get it,
Even a part time job is better than none right now.
She may be lucky to find something seasonal right now as well.
As for her ds .. how old is he?  I agree day care would help with social issues & in other areas.
More kids in this day & age go then not.  It does give them an advance once they are in school as well .. mho
I hope you & your dd continue to have such an awesome, wonderful relationship.
Her BF does sound like he is doing his best & does require help from her which she should be willing to give.
Good luck & please let us know what happens & how it goes :)

teaching1972
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 7:09 PM

I, too, love this group.  It sounds like your relationship is getting better. I think back to the things I did as a young person.  I had to learn to make my own choices.  My mom would offer advise but not force her opinion on me.  I got married at 19 and was still in college.  My husband had a good job.  I finished school and taught 3 years before having a baby.  Mistakes were made.  Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.  I think you will continue to be supportive. It sounds like the BF is trying.  Keep us informed.

nana9106
by Darlene on Nov. 25, 2012 at 8:42 AM
I don't think it will be that bad to have her and the baby there as long as the rules are clear. I know that she does not want to have the baby in daycare BUT the fact is lots of kids go to daycare and have very normal lives. Get references and check their licence and everything will be fine. It sounds like this will be a very temporary situation if the BF can get his self back on track and it sounds like he is working hard to straighten everything out.
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