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Posted by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:39 AM
  • 33 Replies

Things I have read on here about moms helping out their adult children, or criticisms on certain things....I am feeling.

I know my 24 year old daughter is going through a tough time because of the hurt she is experiencing.  We've sent them to a marriage retreat to help jump start a direction in this healing process and we were happy to do so.

While I recognize this has to be tough on her, I'm noticing her "shutting down" as it is reflecting her care for our grand daughter.  Now, these may come across as 'small' stuff and I'm the first to admit, I do not want to sweat the small stuff...however, I'd like some input on how to "tow the line" of boundaries to ensure I don't enable my son-in-law and his role as husband in their home and the work he needs to do in the healing process.  As well as, keep my mouth shut when my daughter brings my grand daughter over for my Wednesday watching her while her parents work. (Today, she came in saturated diaper as my daughter slept until the last minute, threw the baby in the car and brought her over)  Nora had a pretty red bottom from sitting in the diaper for so long.

Also, my daughter posted a pic of her baby sleeping and all I could see in the picture was dried pee spots all around my grand baby as her mom hadn't changed the sheets in what appeared "a long time."  

I am Trying to keep my mouth shut, my opinions to myself, and not be critical in my thoughts....but I have to admit, I am struggling.

I changed Nora, went to feed her (baby food as she is 6 months old), and my daughter brought one jar of veggies ...enough for lunch feeding.  Nora is usually here through dinner feeding.  My daughter was not this much of an air head in her parenting before...and it seems as if she's just too lazy to take the time and spoon feed her baby food...she'd rather just give her a bottle of formula...

Because she is my daughter, I can tell she is 'shutting down'...again, while I can have grace on what she is going through, I would hope she could see that this is not their babies fault and she is an innocent bystander of the circumstance.  

I, on the other hand need the strength to "stay out of it" and let them find their way.  I KNOW this, but I sure feel the temptation to punch my son in law, and scream at my daughter...neither are in my character, but I am sure thinking those tempting thoughts.  

In addition, she wants to come over here every time she is home alone.  Now I get that leaving her to her own thoughts could be a double edge sword...but I honestly don't want her here all the time.  I watch their baby on Wed. every week, and I don't mind that one day...but that is all I am willing to do, otherwise they need to hire a sitter.  Sundays, her husband works and she spends the entire day here with us...which is fine because our other kids come and hang out on Sundays....then, on my only day to myself (Tuesdays) she is texting as early as 7:30am.  Yesterday, I held her off until 3 pm...but my goodness, I am thrilled she wants to come over (and NO, I will not take over when she comes over...that is Her baby...I just coo and goo...but leave the care taking to her), but she needs to do things for her family...not check out at my place, that will Not help their marriage.

What are your thoughts?

by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:39 AM
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Replies (1-10):
homeskoolmama
by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:47 AM

Read the book Boundaries. There are several different versions now. By Dr.Townsend.

I understand, but it seems it is time for a sit down talk. I tell you these things in love and I know you are going through a lot, however, there are things that concern me and I would like to address them with you...and go from there.

Good luck!

Prayers for you all.

momma-t42
by Gold Member on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:49 AM


Quoting homeskoolmama:

Read the book Boundaries. There are several different versions now. By Dr.Townsend.

I understand, but it seems it is time for a sit down talk. I tell you these things in love and I know you are going through a lot, however, there are things that concern me and I would like to address them with you...and go from there.

Good luck!

Prayers for you all.

I'll be ordering it today.  Thank you for the suggestion..and prayers.

KittyGram
by Becky on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:54 AM
2 moms liked this

It sounds like she suffering from depression.  First of all, having a new baby means many changes that most people really aren't prepared for.  Then add the crap that your SIL has added to their marriage, and it would cause depression for anyone.

I feel so badly for your daughter.  I don't know what to tell you - I'm not sure setting boundaries is really what's needed right now (although the Boundaries book is fantastic, and everyone should read it!!!!).  I think maybe your daughter needs some hugs, a shoulder to cry on (tears can be very cleansing,a nd can really help a person see the light sometimes).  

SIL needs that punch, IMO.  ((Hugs)) to the rest of you.   

Why123
by Nancy on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:55 AM

I agree about staying out of the marriage.  They need to solve that problem by themselves.  I would however calmly and without placing blame try to talk to your daughter about your concerns for the baby.  I am sure that this is a very trying situation and it is very hard to stay objective.

EireLass
by Gold Member on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:56 AM

BUMP!

momma-t42
by Gold Member on Dec. 5, 2012 at 10:02 AM


Quoting KittyGram:

It sounds like she suffering from depression.  First of all, having a new baby means many changes that most people really aren't prepared for.  Then add the crap that your SIL has added to their marriage, and it would cause depression for anyone.

I feel so badly for your daughter.  I don't know what to tell you - I'm not sure setting boundaries is really what's needed right now (although the Boundaries book is fantastic, and everyone should read it!!!!).  I think maybe your daughter needs some hugs, a shoulder to cry on (tears can be very cleansing,a nd can really help a person see the light sometimes).  

SIL needs that punch, IMO.  ((Hugs)) to the rest of you.   

Thank you Kitty....your words alone cause me to tear up.  That is not one of my strengths to be honest.  I love my girls, and they can come to me about anything and they usually do...but I am more of a "buck up baby" kind of nature.  Mostly because that is just how I have delt with my life and it's worked.  She is my most tender child... nothing like me in that way, and I really do feel for what she is going through.  

momma-t42
by Gold Member on Dec. 5, 2012 at 10:07 AM


Quoting Why123:

I agree about staying out of the marriage.  They need to solve that problem by themselves.  I would however calmly and without placing blame try to talk to your daughter about your concerns for the baby.  I am sure that this is a very trying situation and it is very hard to stay objective.

Thank you... I am trying to stay objective...Heck, I went to my own Counselor last night just to deal with me and my emotions of this....my struggles started all over first thing this morning.  

I want to call my SIL and vent onto him too...but I do NOT want the target to start pointing in My direction.  This is His fault, he created this mess and I do not want to be their scape goat.  

jabs54
by Jeanine on Dec. 5, 2012 at 3:07 PM

 The first thing I thought is...she is depressed.  Has she seen a doctor lately?  Maybe an antidepressant would help.  I think it's time to point out to your dd your concerns and why you think she may need meds...(sleeping more, not caring about baby, not wanting to be alone etc).   I will be praying...

louannwilkins
by Louann on Dec. 5, 2012 at 3:37 PM

 Aww...I know it's hard for you.  Heck for all of you.  I would be bothered by the things you mentioned too.  Maybe you can have a heart to heart with her.  You might understand her more by doing that and it may help her to get things out.  Please keep us posted.  You know we're all here for you anytime!!  Hugs to you!!!!    :)

kuntrylady56
by Gold Member on Dec. 5, 2012 at 5:38 PM

Hugs. I understand what you're feeling about wanting to stay out of their marriage and they are adults. But the grand daughter is innocent in all this and it should be bought to your daughters attention,thay you have some concerns.

 Its hard when dealing with grown children and their lives. I've certainly had my fair share of that lately.lol

But I agree with the other Moms that you should go with your Mom's intuition that your daughter is"shutting down". She sounds like shes deeply depressed with dealing with the mess with her husband and is having a hard time functioning. And maybe thats another reason she dosen't want to be alone. A talk with her doctor and maybe a counselor would be of much help.

Will keep you all in my prayers.

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