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Need Advise.....

Posted by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:15 AM
  • 27 Replies

Hi! I need some advise...here is my issue. I have two kids an 18 year old female and a 12 year old son. My 18 year old is one that if she is not happy the whole house is not happy.  In March she turned 18 and by summer she had it in her head she is an adult and doesnt need to check in with her dad or I and she could come and go as she pleases. This has never been the case, so one day when we told her no, she said she was going to go out anyways, so we said if she leaves she was no able to return. The next day she moved in with my husband mom. After she left, we agree she can take the car we let her drive so she can drive to school and to her college soccer games, the agreement was she would pay $50.00 for insurance, since we are a sports family we wanted the kids to focus on grades and sports, so this is not a large amount, but something. After she got her car, we did not see or hear from her unless she needed something, which really upset my husband since they have always been close. My daughter also "forgot" or would delay payment, so after many months of monthly insurance payment reminders,  late payments, my husband took back the car. With Christmas I knew she probably would be around, and she was. All was fine until Christmas came and went, she got her presents which is what i believe she came for and then she turned back to her normal moody self, and left. 

She requested her car back, but I don't think giving it to her is a good idea since it feels she is using us. She rather spend her money on plane tickets to visit her out of state boyfriend. I just see her making so many mistakes and it kills me but it is so hard to communicate with her, she just doesn't want to hear it. Let me be an adult, and make my own decisions, but yet she wants us to pay for her car, clothes, and insurance while she treats us like dirt. What do I do???

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:15 AM
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Replies (1-10):
kuntrylady56
by Gold Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:52 AM
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Shes 18 qnd wants to be an adult,well start treating her like one. Keep the car and tell her she wants she can buy it from you for a certain amount. Until then since she has money to buy plane tickets...she has money to buy her own clothes and buyher own car and pay her own insurance,which I'm sure she will not get for a mere 50.00 a month.

Give her a bit of her own medicine as they say.

LadySaphira
by Lisa on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:55 AM

Keep refusing to pay her way, she wants to be an "adult" treat her like one and make her pay her own way in life.

CoeyG
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 2:29 AM
2 moms liked this

Soon as my daughter turned 18 she was paying half the rent and bills in my jome.  That was part of her having the convinence of staying at home close to the college she went to so she could afford the rent as well as living arrangments  rather than paying double so she could have a decent place to live without hot and cold running rats and roaches.   She knew that there was no way I could support both her and  myself on what I made and yes she was still getting child support but that helped very little.  besides she wasn't that ba of a room mate.  If she wanted a car she would be getting her own and paying her own insurance as I don't pay for adult moochers in my home.  You're 19 year old daughter is an adult, it is time to start treating her as an adult not as her 12 year old sibling.  If she doesn't like it hand her the names and addressess of local homeless shelters tell her to pack up and not let the door hit her in the ass when she leaves...and to rmememberto leave her key behind as well. 

cpilz1965
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 3:15 AM

I have had this happen with my 26 year old but she moved in with her boyfriend What we did is stay with the original plan and kept the car we also told her she needed to work on getting 3 months of payments for insurance together and give it to us when she does that she gets the car back and she must pay every month from then on and if she did not pay by the due date the comes back and gets sold and it her responsibility to get one on her own That worked within 2 weeks she can up with the money and we gave her the car back and she has kept up on the insurance she until she turned 19  and then she got her own and has been doing really well with keeping insurance up to date but keep to your goas it hard to see her struggle but See needs to learn that she is wants to act grown up then she has to have the bills like an adult do not give up she respect you later for what you did to help her its hard but she will either sink or swim but i bet you she will swim

jules8289
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 5:04 AM

Cut her off. If she wants to be like a grown up she gets the grown up responsibilities. If she has money for plane tickets she shouldnt buy those tickets and instead take care of her resposibilities.  I would keep that car if she doesn't pay that insurance. No free rides. Especially since she treats her parents like crap. What happens to her Grandma if and when she gets mad at her? Kids gotta learn.

Cindy18
by Platinum Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 6:25 AM
1 mom liked this

I couldn't finish your reply I was laughing so hard!!!!

Quoting CoeyG:

Soon as my daughter turned 18 she was paying half the rent and bills in my jome.  That was part of her having the convinence of staying at home close to the college she went to so she could afford the rent as well as living arrangments  rather than paying double so she could have a decent place to live without hot and cold running rats and roaches.   She knew that there was no way I could support both her and  myself on what I made and yes she was still getting child support but that helped very little.  besides she wasn't that ba of a room mate.  If she wanted a car she would be getting her own and paying her own insurance as I don't pay for adult moochers in my home.  You're 19 year old daughter is an adult, it is time to start treating her as an adult not as her 12 year old sibling.  If she doesn't like it hand her the names and addressess of local homeless shelters tell her to pack up and not let the door hit her in the ass when she leaves...and to rmememberto leave her key behind as well. 





Take is seriously!! GET YOUR PAP!




~~CINDY

Cindy18
by Platinum Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 6:27 AM

Agreed! Stuck to your guns.

Quoting kuntrylady56:

Shes 18 qnd wants to be an adult,well start treating her like one. Keep the car and tell her she wants she can buy it from you for a certain amount. Until then since she has money to buy plane tickets...she has money to buy her own clothes and buyher own car and pay her own insurance,which I'm sure she will not get for a mere 50.00 a month.

Give her a bit of her own medicine as they say.





Take is seriously!! GET YOUR PAP!




~~CINDY

suzeebloch
by Ronna on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:56 AM

First of all, welcome to our group!  and welcome to our collective nightmares!  lol.  What you are experiencing with your daughter seems to be typical behavior for many young adults. 

When she tells you that she is 18 and doesn't have to check in with you or her dad and can come and go as she pleases, remind her that yes! Once she turned 18, your legal obligation to her ended as well!  So no more free ride!  No more car!  No more housing!  It's a 2-way street!  

Just know that you aren't alone in your misery.  Tough love is what it's called.  And believe me when I say, it's TOUGHER on us than it is on them!  

Come here and vent away as often as you need to.  This is the best group here at Cafe Mom.  We have been in your shoes, believe me.  I have 2 kids - one like your daughter and one exactly the opposite!

Shellness
by Michell on Jan. 2, 2013 at 8:55 AM
1 mom liked this

Stand firm. Its the age, trust me. She will come around though it may take awhile and will respect you for what you are doing when she's older. She's spoiled and you just can't give her everything she wants. That would be doing her a disservice.

atlmom2
by Gold Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 9:10 AM
Stand firm. Do not give her the car back.
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