Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

Kids moving back home.

Posted by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 12:53 PM
  • 33 Replies

Our son has dropped out of college. It's kind of heartbreaking because we know life is going to be harder for him now but I'm not mad at him. He was miserable and academics is just not his thing.

Here is what I wanted to talk about, my BIL says that we should not take him on trips and he should pay rent and so on.

Well we always told the kids they'd have to get a job and pay rent. We've already told him how much rent he will have to pay and when he will start.

We enjoy our son. We want him to go on trips with us generally unless they are romantic ones for two.

We do not have a hate on over his "throwing away his future" and I just can't understand how or why parents think this way.

Ugh.

Anyway, what would you do if your kids moved back home? What rules would you have?

by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 12:53 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
nana9106
by Darlene on Jan. 7, 2013 at 1:35 PM
1 mom liked this

I think that it is important for him to pay rent and abide by any rules that you set for him and should be expected to be a contributing member of the household. He is an adult and should be treated as such. As for taking him on trips...if it is a family trip then he should go. But he should not EXPECT to go just because you and your DH are going.

mac1940
by Mary Ann on Jan. 7, 2013 at 1:45 PM
2 moms liked this

I agree that he should pay rent and contribute to household respoonsibilities such as chores, but whether or not to take him on trips should be your decision alone.  I guess I would say why not take him.  Maybe instead of an academic college, he might want to consider a trade school.  I agree that not everyone is 4 year college material and as is shown in the current labor reports, having done same, does not necessarily guarantee you a job.  A trade school in a field that interests him might better serve him. 

Mariagma3
by Silver Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 1:50 PM

 I think if you have a good relationship with your son, which it sounds like you do; build it from there. Maybe you just need to put down stricter rules.

kam013
by Silver Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:09 PM
3 moms liked this

I completely understand the road you are traveling on, as I have been down that road.  

Our children are 4 years apart, DS graduated first, hated school from the 1st day of kindergarten.  Went to a local college for 1 semester, hated it, was basically asked to take a leave until he "matured" and was ready for the commitment.  

Rules we put in place at that point were, pay us back for the tuition he wasted and cover remaining student loan balance.  Find a full time job (he had a part-time one at the time). Pay for own car, insurance and any bills he acquired.  At the time we decided not charge him rent, which has worked out fine for us.  He transitioned the part-time to full-time and loved his job until the business went under and closed.

The same year that DD graduated he decided he wanted to go back to school.  He had researched and found an excellent online program that fit exactly what he wanted to do.  We explained that it was his Sister's turn and we could only afford to help one of them at at time tuition wise.  DS decided it was something he really wanted to do, took on the financial responsibility and jumped in, been on the Deans list ever since.  

So there is still hope that your son may find the thing that works for him and take some interest in getting back to school eventually.

At this time our DS still lives at home, is still in school and still pays all his own bills.  We still DO NOT charge him rent, but we do occasionally ask him to help cover some household bills. Last month we had him pay the Cable/Internet bill.  We have in the past had him pay for oil or propane or the cell bill.  We do it this way to give him a sense of what things cost and he is far more appreciative of what we do provide for him.  

We love having him around (DD has her own apt, but spends a lot of time here too).  We have the comfort of knowing if we are away that he can watch over the dogs and the house, so we can relax a little more.  

At the ages of 25 & 21 we still take a vacation with our children every year and their SO's.  I enjoy the fact that they still want to spend time with us.  Sometimes DH & I cover all the costs, sometimes we share in the expenses, mostly depends on what we are doing.  

Asking either of our kids to follow house rules was never an issue, so it never really came up for us.  To this day he will text me if he's going to be coming home late from work, just so I don't worry, even though I have never asked him to.  

I think you know your child best and are the best judge of your relationship with him.  This should ultimately set the tone of where to establish your boundaries.

caro100
by Carol on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:14 PM
1 mom liked this

You sound as if you and the hubs have it figured out.  It's none of the BIL's  business for  one reason.  Another reason, is families who have adult children and grandchildren, often take trips together and the parents either pay or they share expenses, because kids getting out are often more strapped for cash.  So... if you enjoy your son and he is respectful towards you.  Let him stay and let him take trips, if you want. It's your life, live it the way you want.  No regrets.

jabs54
by Jeanine on Jan. 7, 2013 at 3:50 PM
1 mom liked this

 I think that is crazy that he would say that to you.  What business is it of his who you go on vacation with?   I feel sorry for HIS kids!  It sounds like you are handling things wonderfully.  My son hated school and never read a book.  He is a hard worker and was offered a managerial position at our local grocery store.  Shortly after graduation someone was looking for a plumbing apprentice and he took the job.  He has gone on to get his degree in plumbing and now is a master plumber with his own business.  Your son just has to find something he gets excited about.  BTW, a LOT of people go through 4 (or more) years of college and end up not being able to get a job in the field they studied.  It's better he stop now.  My dh works in the central service dept of a hospital and he works with a lot of young people who have one or more degrees and cant find a job.  Since working at the hospital some of them have gone on to get a 1 or 2 yr degree for a tech job in the hospital.  Hopefully, your son will find something he is interested in the next few years.  In the meantime I'm glad he has you :)

atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 7, 2013 at 4:07 PM

I wouldn't charge rent as long as they were saving money and not blowing it.  My dd saved $14,000 in 3 years working part time living here.  I think its awesome and teaches her responsibility without taking rent money we do not really need.  I lived at home rent free till I married at 23.  I think you need to have rules but not necessarily make them pay rent.  If they are mooching and not saving then I would give them a certain time to be out by or they would be kicked out. 

rosebud727
by Rose on Jan. 7, 2013 at 4:14 PM
2 moms liked this

I have one daughter on her own. When she went off to college she got a place of her own and a full time job in her field right out of college. 

If for some reason she would have to move back home I don't see us charging her rent. Why? Because I would prefer she save her money. She's not a party animal, makes wise choices and is pleasant to be around.

Others that want to charge their kids rent, fine. It's their household. I bet you didn't ask your BIL for his opinion but he sure was quick to give it.

Regarding vacations, if my daughter was living at home with us and her work schedule match up with a vacation we were taking I know I would offer for her to go. I like my family and I really enjoy spending time around them.

atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 7, 2013 at 4:23 PM

Yep, My dd age 21 went with us to Vegas and to St. Thomas last year.  I agree, if they can go, let them.  If not, no. 

Quoting rosebud727:

I have one daughter on her own. When she went off to college she got a place of her own and a full time job in her field right out of college. 

If for some reason she would have to move back home I don't see us charging her rent. Why? Because I would prefer she save her money. She's not a party animal, makes wise choices and is pleasant to be around.

Others that want to charge their kids rent, fine. It's their household. I bet you didn't ask your BIL for his opinion but he sure was quick to give it.

Regarding vacations, if my daughter was living at home with us and her work schedule match up with a vacation we were taking I know I would offer for her to go. I like my family and I really enjoy spending time around them.


Come join me at The Duggars Debate, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

Rileyscute
by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 4:58 PM
My daughter lived at home and went/goes to college..if she had the time she would go with me on vacations. She moved out when she got married..I don't see it as a huge deal..

And just a suggestion...maybe he could take classes at a community college later on...it could make a big difference
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN