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Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

Our son has dropped out of college. It's kind of heartbreaking because we know life is going to be harder for him now but I'm not mad at him. He was miserable and academics is just not his thing.

Here is what I wanted to talk about, my BIL says that we should not take him on trips and he should pay rent and so on.

Well we always told the kids they'd have to get a job and pay rent. We've already told him how much rent he will have to pay and when he will start.

We enjoy our son. We want him to go on trips with us generally unless they are romantic ones for two.

We do not have a hate on over his "throwing away his future" and I just can't understand how or why parents think this way.

Ugh.

Anyway, what would you do if your kids moved back home? What rules would you have?

by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 12:53 PM
Replies (11-20):
Bmat
by Barb on Jan. 7, 2013 at 5:16 PM

My son moved home twice, and both times we knew it was just temporary. He would have been expected to pay rent if it were indefinite. He even offered, but I said no, not just for three months.  But he was expected to abide by the house rules and to let us know if he would be here for meals and where he was going and when he planned to be home. This wasn't being nosy, it was so that I knew how much food to buy and prepare, and if he didn't show up or if there were an emergency then we'd have some idea how to reach him. Both sons knew that if they lived at home they were expected to be in school or to have a job, and if a job, then contributing to the family income. Like you, I enjoyed having them at home, but I also knew that they needed to feel like adults. In your case, wanting to take him on vacations, he should plan to contribute something toward the cost- it doesn't have to be a third of the cost, but certainly pay for some meals, or for his part of the meals at least, and part of the gas money. College isn't for everyone, but your son should be seeking education in whatever field he likes. The community college may have technical classes where he can learn automotives, etc, or he can apprentice himself to a plumber or electrician and work on getting his license, or bricklaying,  or general construction, lots and lots of well-paying skilled jobs to choose from.

KittyGram
by Becky on Jan. 7, 2013 at 6:25 PM
Exactly this.

And especially about vacations, its really none of your bil's business, unless you asked for his advice. And even then, its just advice. Do what your gut tells you to do.


Quoting nana9106:

I think that it is important for him to pay rent and abide by any rules that you set for him and should be expected to be a contributing member of the household. He is an adult and should be treated as such. As for taking him on trips...if it is a family trip then he should go. But he should not EXPECT to go just because you and your DH are going.

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DesignGirl450
by Lynda on Jan. 7, 2013 at 6:31 PM

First of all your BIL does not get to have a say in how you deal with your children.  I would imagine that your son will find a job as he doesn't want to continue with school, and you have already told him that he will be paying rent.  If you want to take him on a family trip with you, that is your right, and your decision.  We are glad that our daughter likes to travel with us, and we will continue to take her on vacations and weekends away.  I hope your son finds a vocation which makes him happy.  

Bleacheddecay
by Gold Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 7:02 PM

Thanks everyone. The rent is to help him get motivated. I plan to put the money into a saving account to give to him later. He doesn't know that.

Both my husband and I dropped out of school. We were both stubborn and under heavy family pressure to get our degrees. We both took three years to drop out, hating every minute. That's why we are not freaking on our son.

He cost us very going to college little because he got a great athletic scholarship. So that's not an issue. His college fund might someday be his funds for starting a business or a down payment on a house.

I have no regrets. I feel we have done our best for him. He did his best. I'm happy with the choices I've made. I hope he will someday be happy with his.

My BIL is an agitator who was raise by people who were always angry and always blamed the kids. My husband is happily breaking out of those types of things and has been for all the 20 years we've been together. Thank goodness. I didn't ask him. He was just fussing about his kids, thinking he was commiserating, and over all kids in general.

louannwilkins
by Louann on Jan. 7, 2013 at 7:58 PM
1 mom liked this

Your bil needs to tend to his own business and not worry about yours.  The rent....I think that's awesome.  As for vacation...that's entirely up to you and it's no ones business but yours and dh.  I'm glad he has you.  College isn't for everyone.  It just isn't.  Do what you think is right and don't worry about anyone else!   :)

CoeyG
by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 8:09 PM

Yes he should get a job and pay rent.  As an adult he needs to do that that much and not be allowed to be a mocch.  if you want to take him on trips leave them open ended, if he wants to accompany ytou he should be able to pay his own way though or chip in equally. 

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by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 12:07 AM

Looks like you have been given some great suggestions,
I also agree it is none of your bil's business.
This is your child/son .. set down rules & tell him what you expect.
Good luck & let us know how it goes :)

lisamarie1265
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 1:55 AM
1 mom liked this

My girls are always welcome in THIER home,  yes rent is a given, and being productive, they must maintain a job. BUT if they fall on hard times we would give them some lead way .... They are our children after all. NOT mooches.... As far as vacations go we love family trips, we just went to Florida together including my married daughter and her hubby, ... We have our "private getaways" but we love and enjoy being with our girls and if they enjoy it that makes it all the more wonderful ... And to the poster who said he must pay his own way...why??? why can't parents pay for a trip??? I agree chip in, ours did but we paid the majority..it was our treat!!  It generally is... But we have been treated to road trips as well, what comes around goes around!!!! 

I agree with you in reference to parents getting down on their kids for not finishing school, it's just not for everyone, both my girls did but education was always huge in our family, we paid for it, they produced... But my nephew was unhappy, miserable.. He decided to stay on at his job at the theater he'd been at since 17 he is now the manager, he's 20 and in line for another promotion.  He found a way to make life work without college, he makes excellent money, drives a new car, has a nice apartment with his girlfriend and is NOW considering college... He needed time to grow up a little, maybe that's what your son needs, in the meantime enjoy him, do insist on rent and he maintain a job... He could come around and surprise you and go back to college, some kids need time.   Having him home doesn't make him a mooch, just needs a little help from mom and dad right now, as far as your bil tell him to mind his own business, how you handle YOUR son is YOUR business.. Good luck..and Bless!!! 

lisamarie1265
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 2:01 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree with you whole heartedly .... Well said.  We too enjoy our vacations and road trips with our girls.. Even though they are young adults it's still fun to be with them... Take care : - ) 

Quoting DesignGirl450:

First of all your BIL does not get to have a say in how you deal with your children.  I would imagine that your son will find a job as he doesn't want to continue with school, and you have already told him that he will be paying rent.  If you want to take him on a family trip with you, that is your right, and your decision.  We are glad that our daughter likes to travel with us, and we will continue to take her on vacations and weekends away.  I hope your son finds a vocation which makes him happy.  


lisamarie1265
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 2:08 AM
1 mom liked this

Wow you and your hubby are awesome parents... Sounds like us, sorry not being self promoting lol, but we would treat our girls very similar... So good for you!!!! Good luck to you and to your son!!! I love that you have no regrets and credit your son for doing his best when so many others seem to kick adult kids around... We are still they're parents, you sound like a great motivator so who knows maybe he will go back to school... Whatever he decides I am sure he's happy knowing he has awesome parents backing him up... Take care, god bless : - ) 

Quoting Bleacheddecay:

Thanks everyone. The rent is to help him get motivated. I plan to put the money into a saving account to give to him later. He doesn't know that.

Both my husband and I dropped out of school. We were both stubborn and under heavy family pressure to get our degrees. We both took three years to drop out, hating every minute. That's why we are not freaking on our son.

He cost us very going to college little because he got a great athletic scholarship. So that's not an issue. His college fund might someday be his funds for starting a business or a down payment on a house.

I have no regrets. I feel we have done our best for him. He did his best. I'm happy with the choices I've made. I hope he will someday be happy with his.

My BIL is an agitator who was raise by people who were always angry and always blamed the kids. My husband is happily breaking out of those types of things and has been for all the 20 years we've been together. Thank goodness. I didn't ask him. He was just fussing about his kids, thinking he was commiserating, and over all kids in general.


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