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BF's 30 yr old son is a "dog in the manger"

Posted by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:03 PM
  • 12 Replies


Hi, I hope I'm in the right group. I don't technically have step children and I am plenty leary of these!

 My step children to be ( if I decide to move forward with their Dad) are ages 27 ( single girl) and 30 (married man) are trying to dictate to their Dad that he not include me in family activities. My BF has a large and close family, lots of sisters, nieces, nephews who all live in the same town. All have been welcoming to me except for one of his sisters and his father. Actually, the married son is the mouthpiece on the subject . It is causing my BF  much pain as he tries to deal with what I see as blackmail. It hurts my feeling greatly also.

by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
caro100
by Carol on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:10 PM
This is a deal breaker in my opinion. If family can not be polite if not cordial, I would look elsewhere. Your BF doesn't sound as if he is being very supportive of you with his family. Sure it causes him great pain. Did he leave? Were you the one he left his wife, their Mother for? If the answer to these questions are yes, then you may never be accepted. Either learn to take it with grace or leave the relationship yourself. The fact that his Dad doesn't like you makes me think that his son may have been the one to act badly. Anyway hope I helped.
kuntrylady56
by Gold Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:17 PM

Your BF needs to tell his son that you are part of his life and he wants to be with you. And that includes being with him at family get togethers ect.  His son is old enough to mind his own buisness instead of stirring up trouble and making his Dads life miserable. The son,needs to grow up and get a life!  And if his daughter is acting this way she needs to be told the same.

Sometimes ist hard for children to accept their parent is moving on with their own lives especially after divorce? OR even after becoming widowed. But his children are adults not kids!  So he needs to grow a set and tell them to butt out of his relationship,its his life,hes the parent and they do not dictate to him who he is to be with no matter their age.  


Emma58
by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:54 PM

Thanks Ladies for your comments!

My BF left a long miserable marriage over 2 years ago. I did not cause it, they were separated for 6 months when we met. I do think the children held on to the dream their parents would get back together and I definitely messed that up. I'm probably to blame in their minds. The father of my BF is a staunch Catholic and does not approve of divorce, period. His mother, however, is a love.

my family has accepted and loves my BF, he lives with me now. My children are all in college and appreciate that I am not alone. We are more liberal, I guess.

some progress was made with the daughter as she agreed to come to our house for dinner and to meet my children ages.19, 23 and 25 while they were home from school for the holidays. It went well I think unless my BF is filtering her reaction. Too bad the son completely blew off our invitations.

i feel like a whiner writing this but I just wonder if I am right to draw a line with these family events, etc. if after all this time I am not invited and welcome then I think he should decline the invitation. It seems like trying to placate has resulted in a weird policy of thinking they never even consider including me. It's COLD.

jabs54
by Jeanine on Jan. 7, 2013 at 3:28 PM
1 mom liked this

 Wow, how egotistical of that son to think he can dictate what his father does.  Your bf has to make the decision to tell his son to BACK OFF.  If at 30 he tells his father what to do he clearly does not respect his dad.  I would not get married to this man until he got control of his life.

LadySaphira
by Lisa on Jan. 7, 2013 at 3:38 PM

I agree.

Quoting jabs54:

 Wow, how egotistical of that son to think he can dictate what his father does.  Your bf has to make the decision to tell his son to BACK OFF.  If at 30 he tells his father what to do he clearly does not respect his dad.  I would not get married to this man until he got control of his life.


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mac1940
by Mary Ann on Jan. 7, 2013 at 7:46 PM

I personally think it is your BF;s job to tell his son to butt out.  I understand that no one may ever measure up to his mom in his eyes, but BF needs to tell him that there is no way that he and ex are going to reconcile and that he has moved on and you are what makes him happy, so therefore the son should be happy for him.  I am a stepmom (luckily my steps were young (3 & 4) when I married their dad 43 years ago and we have a very close relationship.  As for his dad, as long as his mom is a sweetheart, I would do my best to ignore him as would I his sister.  Your BF might also ask his father to be happy for him.

CoeyG
by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 8:06 PM

His chilkdren are all adults who have the right to their opinons regardin his rlationsips.  Your "Boyfriend" is also an adult entitled to the same right s and the same chouces.  Eighter he accepts that his children are entited to eithr like or not like you or he doesn't choose to accept that fact.  That's life. 

nana9106
by Darlene on Jan. 7, 2013 at 8:10 PM
1 mom liked this
This is what I was going to say. If your BF wants you in his life then he should tell his son to back off

Quoting kuntrylady56:

Your BF needs to tell his son that you are part of his life and he wants to be with you. And that includes being with him at family get togethers ect.  His son is old enough to mind his own buisness instead of stirring up trouble and making his Dads life miserable. The son,needs to grow up and get a life!  And if his daughter is acting this way she needs to be told the same.

Sometimes ist hard for children to accept their parent is moving on with their own lives especially after divorce? OR even after becoming widowed. But his children are adults not kids!  So he needs to grow a set and tell them to butt out of his relationship,its his life,hes the parent and they do not dictate to him who he is to be with no matter their age.  


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Maddie24
by Gold Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 8:17 PM
1 mom liked this

Sad but this is so common.  Thankfully the kids are 'grown' - so really it is up to your BF to get a handle on this.  I would not enter into a legal relationship until he makes a stand that you and he are together.  It is really more 'him' than the adult children.  I was one of those adult kids griping about parents remarrying.  My parents are both deceased now and all I have to say is THANK GOD my parents totally ignored our negative remarks and chose to be happy.  I (and my siblings) grew to love their chosen spouses, and now are so thankful for the loves of their lives that brought our precious parents happiness.  Those 'adult children' just need to be told to participate with the family nicely or don't participate at all.   Same goes for his father.  Your BF really needs to stand by you or it will be very hard.  Best wishes!

rosebud727
by Rose on Jan. 7, 2013 at 9:33 PM

Well it sounds like they are the type of family that is just a hard nut to crack. Are you up to this? Do you like your boyfriend enough to put up with his children's very poor behavior as well as his sister and father?

Is he worth it? I know you said your living together but your not married so if it got too ugly could just part. 

Sorry your going through this, hugs~

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