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Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

Marijuana Possession and Parent Support in Court

Posted by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 7:52 AM
  • 41 Replies

My 19 year old son got a misdemeanor ticket for marijuana possession and possession of drug paraphenelia on Thanksgiving weekend. My husband and I are straight as arrows (rarely drink alcohol, never smoke or have done drugs), so needless to say we were devastated when he told us about that night. Even though this is considered a misdemeanor in the state of Ohio, we hired a lawyer, Our son is attending college on a scholarship and has federal student loans. Anyway, my question is: He is to appear in court on Wednesday and neither my husband or I condone the marijuana and we frankly don't want to go to court with him. Are we terrible parents? I told him that I will drive him to the courthouse, but I just don't think I can be in the courtroom. I haven't told anybody at work about this. 

Should we support him by being in court or should we let him grow up and be an adult and go it alone as he did in making the choice to smoke marijuana?


by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 7:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Gold Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 9:04 AM
No, you are not terrible at all.
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GabbiSue
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 9:05 AM

   Wow so very sad you need to ask people if you should be there for your son 

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by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 9:07 AM

Welcome to the group,
I guess if I were in your shoes I would go to court with your ds,
Be there/support him regardless.
Afterall he is paying the price for his mistake.
You being there may help him with this as you love him/them no matter what they do.
Am sure others will give their thoughts as well.
Let us know what you decide :)

Quoting beangirl_mami:

My 19 year old son got a misdemeanor ticket for marijuana possession and possession of drug paraphenelia on Thanksgiving weekend. My husband and I are straight as arrows (rarely drink alcohol, never smoke or have done drugs), so needless to say we were devastated when he told us about that night. Even though this is considered a misdemeanor in the state of Ohio, we hired a lawyer, Our son is attending college on a scholarship and has federal student loans. Anyway, my question is: He is to appear in court on Wednesday and neither my husband or I condone the marijuana and we frankly don't want to go to court with him. Are we terrible parents? I told him that I will drive him to the courthouse, but I just don't think I can be in the courtroom. I haven't told anybody at work about this. 

Should we support him by being in court or should we let him grow up and be an adult and go it alone as he did in making the choice to smoke marijuana?



Cindy18
by Platinum Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 9:15 AM

He is an adult and he needs to go into court alone. If you wanted to be there, that's fine but since you don't, then don't.

It should affect his loans and scholarships, it's a misdemeanor.

Mariagma3
by Silver Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 9:24 AM
1 mom liked this

 You can go to court with him, without condoning what he did. But, he is an adult, and will be charged as one either way. He is  your son and needs your support either way.

Maddie24
by Gold Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 10:04 AM
1 mom liked this

I certainly understand your dilemma.  I told my children if they ever got caught with illegal drugs, that I would not bail them out of jail.  I believe I would visit and sit in court after expressing my disappointment.  They will suffer their own consequences.  I remember my dad by my side when I had tough decisions to make, he was one to give advice and just be there.  I think that is what I try to do for my kids.  Yes, I think I would go to court unless they were disrespectful.  I always try to make this type of decision on the basis of will I regret my decision 5-10 years from now.  Good luck!! 

homeskoolmama
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 10:17 AM

No, not terrible at all. He is 19 which makes him an adult. he knew it was illegal and chose to do it. He should face the consequences.

nuts4scouts
by Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 12:12 PM
2 moms liked this

He is acting like an adult, and is facing whatever consequences come from this. That is not the issue.

The issue is that you seem to equate adulthood with being alone, and having no family support. That is baloney!

I don't understand your dilemma here. You paid to hire a lawyer for him, but you do not want to actually be in the courtroom with him?

Are you afraid someone you know might see you there?

Good grief, being in court does NOT show that you condone his drug use. It shows that you care about your son.

Even "adults" need to know that someone cares about them.


jlsjjsmom
by Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 12:19 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi and welcome to the board. 19 year olds can make incredibly poor/stupid choices. Even though they are legal adults their brains aren't fully developed. If you feel that strongly about it then you certainly aren't obligated to appear in court. But let me tell you our story.

In 2009 when my ds (now 22) was 19 he was caught stealing rolls of quarters from his employer, costing him his job. He was trying to support his (now ex) wife and their unborn baby on a $7.25/per hour job. Not that that was an excuse - we taught him better than that and he knew right from wrong. We were shocked and disappointed in the choice he made and let him know. They let him go at the time and said they'd be in touch. He never heard anything so imagine his surprise when in the fall of 2011 he attempted to purchase his first gun (he already had a FOID and dh is a huge gun enthusiast) and found that he had a warrant out for his arrest in that state. After consulting with an attorney there we encouraged him to turn himself in. We drove him up there the night before and he turned himself into the local jail the next morning. DH and I met the attorney at the court house and sat through the closed circuit hearing. At no time did he think we were there because we supported the stupid choice he had made 2 years earlier but that we were there because he's our son and we love him. He got let go and got 2 years deferred judgment (which means unsupervised probation) for the misdemeanor. That poor choice cost him one potential job this past fall. He was recently able to get released early from probation and his record expunged as he's trying to join the US Army. Even though the early release went through he just got word on Friday that the military waiver didn't go through and he's going to have to wait another 8 months, until two years after the conviction, before he can join. So he's still paying over 3 years after the offense for the poor choices he made when he was a 19 year old kid.

IMO your ds will suffer enough natural consequences - a fine at the very least and possible jail time and/or probation. No need to punish him further by refusing to accompany him if he wants you there. Doesn't mean you condone his actions, just that you love him unconditionally.

Oh and an interesting side note - once ds was no longer considered a fugitive from justice he was able to purchase that gun even though he was on probation for a misdemeanor!

Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Pam

gonecrazi
by Bronze Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 12:54 PM

 Let him deal with this one on his own.

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