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Need advice PLEASE...

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 2:17 PM
  • 25 Replies
I don't even know where to begin so if anyone has additional questions I'll be happy to answer. DH and I have been married almost 18 yrs. we both had full custody of our 3 kids which we raised in our home. When we met, our kids were, 9bs, 12ss, 14sd. They're adults now and our middle, my ss is married with 2 children. Ss and I never got along. The older he got the less he wanted to do with me. For years I begged DH to get him help, to no avail. Ss grew to be disrespectful, extremely self absorbed and very angry. We put all three of our kids thru college, even though ss received tuition reimbursement from his reservist position. In SS's first yr of college, he told dh since he (ss) saved him so much money for his college tuition, ss should be reimbursed for the savings. DH and ss decided $600 a month would be 'fair' compensation for his college contribution. DH told me that he was doing this w/o discussing it with me. Ss pocketed the money for a year bf he dropped out his 2nd year. It became that DH and I could not have a civil conversation about my ss w/o fighting. DH refused to see things as they were and would continuously defend him, his attitude and allow his disrespect to continue. I grew up in a verbally abusive home. It has taken me years to try to reverse the effects of this abuse. I refused to allow the people that abused me and my siblings do the same to MY family so i decided i had to break away from them. Up until that point in my life that was the most difficult thing I ever did. I saw that same type of verbal abuse come back with my ss. If he didn't get his way, ss became belligerent, would name call, manipulate, pull others into the argument, not let us see our gbabies, and so on. After doing so much to get rid of the abuse in my life, ss was bringing it back and DH was ok with it. last year I decided that I had enough with ss behavior and his ultimatums. I never accepted that behavior from my other two, nor would I put up with it from my ss. Bc of this we were not allowed to see our gbabies for their birthdays last yr, Thanksgiving or Christmas. It's been heartbreaking for us not seeing them. The only way we will be allowed to see the gbabies again, according to my ss, is if we once again give into one of his ultimatums! Needless to say, DH and I have been arguing about ss again. This is an 18 year argument! I really need advice and a reality check. I am soo hurt that DH doesn't even see what this is doing to me, or if he does, doesn't care enough. I've dedicated my life to my family and now I feel it's all for nothing. How can I continue to live a life with someone who's primary concern is to defend his adult son over me? PLEASE am I being unreasonable? Is DH? Is ss? Any advice is welcome!
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 2:17 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Esmrlda
by Esme on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:20 PM
4 moms liked this

 Im sorry everything has taken a turn for the worst especially since you have  had to mend your wounds from your childhood.  I think dh needs to support you and back you up. You are his wife and he needs to treat you as an equal partner.

Lunatic6997
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:43 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Esmrlda:

 Im sorry everything has taken a turn for the worst especially since you have  to mend your wounds from your childhood.  I think dh needs to support you and back you up. You are his wife and he needs to treat you as an equal partner.

Thank you...I couldn't agree more...this has been a challenge for dh since we got married. In a family situation, sometimes you do all you can to get thru the day and put everything else on the back burner...i married my dh thinking he would always be 100% supportive of me...guess I was wrong :( I need to make some hard decisions :( 

busygramma4
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:44 PM

agreed.

Quoting Esmrlda:

 Im sorry everything has taken a turn for the worst especially since you have  to mend your wounds from your childhood.  I think dh needs to support you and back you up. You are his wife and he needs to treat you as an equal partner.


                                                            

sabrtooth1
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:44 PM
1 mom liked this

You are not going to get your husband to abandon his son, so tell him to go to visit him ALONE.  You don't like ss, he doesn't like you, and his children are NO relation to you, so just stay out of it.  I would assume since your ss is grown, there are no more money issues, so I don't see what other things DH could give to his son without you knowing.  Let them have their relationship.  Without YOU in the equation, and no more need to defend his ss to anyone, your husband may see him more clearly.

Cindy18
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:52 PM
So your DH gave his son $600 a month to go to school when the son had it paid for by the Reserves?? That's asinine, IMO. Once you turn 18 you are owed NOTHING from your parents, IMO. Your SS is being ridiculious. Your DH should be on your side, period. It's ashame that he can't see his son for who he really is. Where does your DIL stand with all this?
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Bmat
by Barb on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:54 PM

You and your husband need to have counseling.  A marriage is a precious thing to break up, so if it can be avoided then try. Personal counseling for you also could help you deal with your feelings and decide if what you are experiencing is so bad for you that you need to move away.  Good luck, and ((hugs))

Bmat
by Barb on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:56 PM

I like this answer.  Although if you feel a bond with his children it could be tough.

Quoting sabrtooth1:

You are not going to get your husband to abandon his son, so tell him to go to visit him ALONE.  You don't like ss, he doesn't like you, and his children are NO relation to you, so just stay out of it.  I would assume since your ss is grown, there are no more money issues, so I don't see what other things DH could give to his son without you knowing.  Let them have their relationship.  Without YOU in the equation, and no more need to defend his ss to anyone, your husband may see him more clearly.


Cindy18
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:57 PM
I don't agree with Saber.... She has raised him since he was 12! I'm sure she feels the grandkids are hers as she should!
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Lunatic6997
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 6:04 PM


Quoting sabrtooth1:

You are not going to get your husband to abandon his son, so tell him to go to visit him ALONE.  You don't like ss, he doesn't like you, and his children are NO relation to you, so just stay out of it.  I would assume since your ss is grown, there are no more money issues, so I don't see what other things DH could give to his son without you knowing.  Let them have their relationship.  Without YOU in the equation, and no more need to defend his ss to anyone, your husband may see him more clearly.

I have told DH and ss that I didn't need to be involved, but ss doesn't even call his dad when he's angry with me. Ss didn't call his dad for Christmas....the gbabies want to have a relationship w/me. They miss me I've been told and much closer to me then DH. Money has always been a factor in our relationship. It's always about what ss gets, his wife, and kids. He tried to manipulate us to pay for his wedding....didn't ask once but 5x even up to his wedding day. They filed bk a few yrs ago, needed a place to stay, I let them stay in a rental we owned. Needs a car he runs to dad. He is not independent, he thinks he's entitled to everything and DH just let him believe that! DH is the ONLY one in our family that doesn't see my ss for who he is! 

After 18 yrs I've NEVER asked my DH to choose, nor will I. Dispite my frustrations, I do love my ss and want him in our lives...I just want respect! 

Lunatic6997
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 6:09 PM


Quoting Cindy18:

So your DH gave his son $600 a month to go to school when the son had it paid for by the Reserves?? That's asinine, IMO. Once you turn 18 you are owed NOTHING from your parents, IMO. Your SS is being ridiculious. Your DH should be on your side, period. It's ashame that he can't see his son for who he really is. Where does your DIL stand with all this?

Yes he did. To say I was livid doesn't even begin to explain how I felt. Ss relationship with us I feel has always been about money and what his dad owes him. DH played right into it dispite my concerns and we are now here. My DIL loves me and appreciates everything I've/we've done for them and their children. Since ss won't talk to us until his ultimatium is met, she no longer talks to me. 

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