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Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

Am I wrong?

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 7:09 AM
  • 14 Replies

I have a 25 year old daughter who seems to take out all her frustrations with life on me.  I suffered a major breakdown about 4 years ago.  I'm on anti-depressant meds. and meds. for anxiety.  I see my psychiatrist every 4 weeks.  I see my therapist at least once a month sometimes more if need arises.  I also go every 9 weeks for ECT (ElectroConvulsiveTherapy).  In fact I have a treatment tomorrow.  My nervous breakdown was due to a lifetime of difficulties which include an abusive alcoholic father, losing my one and only brother to AIDS, losing my best friend to cancer, having a husband who's cheated and has been telling "little white lies" since the day I met him.  My mother is another story.  I begged both my brother and my mother to see a counselor with me after my father died from a massive heart attack when he was 49.  It was a relief in one way, but in another, he was still my father.  Neither one would go so I've been seeing my therapist for well over 10+ years on my own.  I forgave my husband, moved my mother in our home after she broke her hip, and listened to her verbally abuse both my husband and my daughter constantly.  I'm not quite sure what pushed me over the edge; I thought I had dealt with all of this.  However, the most I remember is walking out of the school I worked at in tears and becoming "conscious" about 2 years later.  ECT affects memory; it took 3 in one week to bring me around.  I wanted to die; I was starving myself.  As I said, I don't know what pushed me over, but one of the issues was my daughter's drinking, verbal assaults, abusive relationships, and an abortion.  I've tried and tried to develop a relationship with my mother.  She pushed me too far; after a few years, I had to throw her out to keep my sanity.  This past week-end I had to throw my daughter out.  It was not easy, but necessary.  I couldn't be here while she gathered up her things.  I went to a friend's house.  I had put her out before, but my husband would always insist on taking her back.  We went to my therapist together.  He had agreed it was time for her to be out of our house and on her own.  This was at least 6 months ago.  My "problem" is this, am I wrong feeling betrayed and hurt because my husband helped her pack her things.  I feel she should have brought her "boyfriend" or her other friends she loves so much to help her.  He has 7 stents in his heart, is diabetic, and has an ankle held together by "nuts and bolts."  We have 3 flights of stairs that he had to be going up and down.  Not to mention, how is this showing her that we mean "business" this time?  That he's finally backing me up?  It took him 3 days to talk to me, to acknowledge that I have feelings.  I'm just hoping that she will make it this time because I love her with all my heart, but I cannot live with her under the same roof anymore.  I expressed these feelings to her, but it did no good.  Once again, she verbaly assaulted me.  I'm not sure where she went and as in my mother's case, I do not expect to hear from her unless she needs something.  Both she and her father talked more to the dog than to me.  So, please ladies, no bashing, but am I wrong?! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

f "becoming conscious

by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 7:09 AM
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Replies (1-10):
marchantmom06
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:16 AM
Well for one I would stop using ECT!

And no you shouldn't feel betrayed. You cannot make him mad at your child just because you are.

I couldn't imagine putting my child out and not knowin when and if I'd see them again. It's clear your daughter needs help and you pushing her out the door is exactly like your brother and mother ignoring you had a problem when you were younger. Chances are your daughter thinks this behavior is normal because you allowed your mother to belittle and berate her.
Yes your daughter is wrong for treating you that way BUT she learned it in your home under your care.
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robin7771
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Yesterday at 2:47 PM
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:17 AM
3 moms liked this

First I give you alot of credit. Second start setting goals for you. Third nobody's life is perfect. Try not to repeat mistakes and work on you being happy.  Good luck!

momma-t42
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:56 AM
4 moms liked this

I am truly sorry you've delt with so much over the years.

I do not want you to feel bashed or criticized as it is clear, you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and it wasn't meant for you to carry.

We all have a story to tell, some with deeper pains than most, but I can assure you, most women in here have endured some serious pain.  Because we're all human, and life brings pain.

How you choose to deal with it is what will help you see that blue sky again.

I too have struggled with my husband who appears to back one of our daughter's when I'm angry with her and when she is very disrespectful to me.

BUT, what I have to tell myself in order to keep my own sanity is this, "I am not in control of my husband, how he views things, and I sure want him to be able to have the freedom to express himself the way he does, just as I too want that same freedom."  Also, what I have come to recognize in my life is, when you point things out to your husband that you wish he'd see for himself, you become the distraction and all he see's is you...and view it as you're over reacting.  That's what has happened with me time and time again.  Our men are kind of like raising a teenager really.  Less is best.  Let him see what your daughter does for himself.  You've pointed it out to him plenty of times...the seed is planted...now let it alone so it can grow, and THEN he will see it as you have.

I always say "life is like playing cards. If you want to win in this game of poker, you have to play the right card."  Strategize your plan, it will help you take more responsibility with your own thoughts, and push the ones out to where you're not trying to play ALL your cards at one time...which is why you're feeling worn down.

Also, in regards to the abuse, to the past, to life itself....try to quit giving it power over you.  The more you talk about, the more you rehash why you're in the rut you're in, the more you stay there.  You're basically holding yourself hostage by looking back.

Start making lists of what you're blessed with.  

It is what I've done to keep my mind focused on the positive and not jargled down with a bunch of negative gunk, that will master even the strongest of people.

We all face battles, we all  have trials, we all go through tough testing in our lives.  

I too see a therapist once a month....I pretty much barf all over him with gunk I have set aside to prevent me from dumping it on my husband, or my kids.  Then, when I go to see my therapist, its word vomit....he'll stop me in the middle and get me to refocus and avoid staying at the bottom of the barrel while I puke the burdens on him.  I hope your therapist isn't just letting you stay at the bottom of the barrel.  If they are, I'd encourage you to find a new one.

I knew long ago after having a therapist who basically just "Validated" my whole life.  I didn't need Validation, I needed ADVICE...make sure you have that kind of therapist.  who is giving you good sound advice...who is directing you in ways the load is getting lighter in your mind, and not staying the same.

That is my sound advice for you :)

Best of wishes.

LeJane
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:45 AM
1 mom liked this
Quoting momma-t42:

I am truly sorry you've delt with so much over the years.

I do not want you to feel bashed or criticized as it is clear, you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and it wasn't meant for you to carry.

We all have a story to tell, some with deeper pains than most, but I can assure you, most women in here have endured some serious pain.  Because we're all human, and life brings pain.

How you choose to deal with it is what will help you see that blue sky again.

I too have struggled with my husband who appears to back one of our daughter's when I'm angry with her and when she is very disrespectful to me.

BUT, what I have to tell myself in order to keep my own sanity is this, "I am not in control of my husband, how he views things, and I sure want him to be able to have the freedom to express himself the way he does, just as I too want that same freedom."  Also, what I have come to recognize in my life is, when you point things out to your husband that you wish he'd see for himself, you become the distraction and all he see's is you...and view it as you're over reacting.  That's what has happened with me time and time again.  Our men are kind of like raising a teenager really.  Less is best.  Let him see what your daughter does for himself.  You've pointed it out to him plenty of times...the seed is planted...now let it alone so it can grow, and THEN he will see it as you have.

I always say "life is like playing cards. If you want to win in this game of poker, you have to play the right card."  Strategize your plan, it will help you take more responsibility with your own thoughts, and push the ones out to where you're not trying to play ALL your cards at one time...which is why you're feeling worn down.

Also, in regards to the abuse, to the past, to life itself....try to quit giving it power over you.  The more you talk about, the more you rehash why you're in the rut you're in, the more you stay there.  You're basically holding yourself hostage by looking back.

Start making lists of what you're blessed with.  

It is what I've done to keep my mind focused on the positive and not jargled down with a bunch of negative gunk, that will master even the strongest of people.

We all face battles, we all  have trials, we all go through tough testing in our lives.  

I too see a therapist once a month....I pretty much barf all over him with gunk I have set aside to prevent me from dumping it on my husband, or my kids.  Then, when I go to see my therapist, its word vomit....he'll stop me in the middle and get me to refocus and avoid staying at the bottom of the barrel while I puke the burdens on him.  I hope your therapist isn't just letting you stay at the bottom of the barrel.  If they are, I'd encourage you to find a new one.

I knew long ago after having a therapist who basically just "Validated" my whole life.  I didn't need Validation, I needed ADVICE...make sure you have that kind of therapist.  who is giving you good sound advice...who is directing you in ways the load is getting lighter in your mind, and not staying the same.

That is my sound advice for you :)

Best of wishes.

 I agree with this.    I would like to add,  living while continually past tripping is like trying to drive forward while looking in the rear view mirror.     It sounds like you are continually trying to justify and change the facts of your past.    Instead of fighting it,   try to accept,  these are just facts of your past.   Nothing you can do will change them.   They are what they are.    Quit fighting and trying to justify how "unfair, wrong and hurtful" those were.   Let go of that baggeage, no excuses and look at who you truely are right now.   We all have character defects.   A huge eye opener is to truely look at them and make small changes to improve ourselves- inspite of anything from the past. 

   Seperate things going on in your life.    Get logic.     If we throw everything together it is confusing, overwhelming and nothing gets better.   We can get stuck in the cycle of "insanity". ( Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results  ) .  Simplify, watch and redirect your thinking and focus on what is good.  

    You can only change yourself.    Hugs !! 

LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE
sweetnana1964
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 3:10 PM

No one can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel.  I do not believe your husband is betraying you, I do not blame you for asking your daughter to leave. After all, she is an adult not a child. No one should be allowed to verbally abuse you in your home, Not your mother, daughter NOONE. Yes your daughter did probably learn this behavior from your mother but it does not make it right. My one suggestion is to always keep an open heart with your daughter. When you do hear from her let her know you will always love her but you will no longer allow anyone to abuse you verbally anymore (same with your mother). If she gets upset with you for saying this tell her you will not listen to anything she has to say to you until she can be more respectful and either hand up, walk away ore ask her to leave if she is in your home. Let her know you will be happy to talk to her like adults when she can be respectful.

jabs54
by Jeanine on Jan. 31, 2013 at 3:14 PM

 I'm sorry you've had such a rough life :(   Do you feel like your therapist is helping you sort out your past and current problems?  I think it is resonable for you to expect your 25 yr old dd to live on her own if she is not respectful to you.  I can see why you feel your husband did not show a united front but he probably didn't mean to.  On the other hand I don't know how he normally treats you so I could be wrong.  I hope your life becomes easier now that your dd is gone and you can start spending time with your husband. 

mac1940
by Mary Ann on Jan. 31, 2013 at 3:45 PM
1 mom liked this

I support your decision to ask your daughter to leave - you are so right that she has no right to disrespect you in the ways she has.  Nor did your mother and you were justified in asking her to leave as well.  You have had a lot to endure in the past and for that I am sorry but as previously stated, that is the past and should be laid to rest and your time would be better spent on making a better happier future.  Husbands don't always agree with wives on everything and sometimes a lot of things they disagree with.   I truly don't think that him helping her move was not disagreeing with the fact she needed to get out, it was simply seeing that she did indeed get out.  I too always want my hubby to back me up 100% in everything but that isn't the way things work.  We don't always see eye to eye on a lot of things and mine like yours would have helped my daughter move should we have been in your shoes. 

rosiemendo
by Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 7:48 AM

Thanks, ladies.  I have an excellent therapist and psychiatrist.  They both have advised me on how to proceed with my life.  I cannot just stop the ECT.  I am doing everything in my power to deal with my issues one at a time.  And, by the way, tough love has worked!

Angelica46
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 4:56 PM

I agree with both of these women. We cannot control what others do but we can certainly control ourselves. We also cannot conquer what we do not confront. How we cope with our pain makes all the difference in our ability in moving forward. The past should stay in the past. There comes a time when we must stop feeling like the victim and let go of all the hurt we have endured and stop carrying around all that excess, painful baggage. It gets so heavy and weighs us down. What happened to us as children was not our fault and should not define us as adults. Don't ask yourself "why me? or why do I hurt?". Look around you and focus on the positive, beautiful things in your life--count your blessings, decide to be happy and you will because you can. Your daughter will learn to respect you even if takes tough love. You will always be her mother but not her punching bag. Others will treat you how you allow them to. Focus on you. Don't dwell on the past or go backwards but focus on moving forward. Turn every negative thought into a positive. Hugs & best wishes to you! 

Quoting LeJane:

Quoting momma-t42:

I am truly sorry you've delt with so much over the years.

I do not want you to feel bashed or criticized as it is clear, you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and it wasn't meant for you to carry.

We all have a story to tell, some with deeper pains than most, but I can assure you, most women in here have endured some serious pain.  Because we're all human, and life brings pain.

How you choose to deal with it is what will help you see that blue sky again.

I too have struggled with my husband who appears to back one of our daughter's when I'm angry with her and when she is very disrespectful to me.

BUT, what I have to tell myself in order to keep my own sanity is this, "I am not in control of my husband, how he views things, and I sure want him to be able to have the freedom to express himself the way he does, just as I too want that same freedom."  Also, what I have come to recognize in my life is, when you point things out to your husband that you wish he'd see for himself, you become the distraction and all he see's is you...and view it as you're over reacting.  That's what has happened with me time and time again.  Our men are kind of like raising a teenager really.  Less is best.  Let him see what your daughter does for himself.  You've pointed it out to him plenty of times...the seed is planted...now let it alone so it can grow, and THEN he will see it as you have.

I always say "life is like playing cards. If you want to win in this game of poker, you have to play the right card."  Strategize your plan, it will help you take more responsibility with your own thoughts, and push the ones out to where you're not trying to play ALL your cards at one time...which is why you're feeling worn down.

Also, in regards to the abuse, to the past, to life itself....try to quit giving it power over you.  The more you talk about, the more you rehash why you're in the rut you're in, the more you stay there.  You're basically holding yourself hostage by looking back.

Start making lists of what you're blessed with.  

It is what I've done to keep my mind focused on the positive and not jargled down with a bunch of negative gunk, that will master even the strongest of people.

We all face battles, we all  have trials, we all go through tough testing in our lives.  

I too see a therapist once a month....I pretty much barf all over him with gunk I have set aside to prevent me from dumping it on my husband, or my kids.  Then, when I go to see my therapist, its word vomit....he'll stop me in the middle and get me to refocus and avoid staying at the bottom of the barrel while I puke the burdens on him.  I hope your therapist isn't just letting you stay at the bottom of the barrel.  If they are, I'd encourage you to find a new one.

I knew long ago after having a therapist who basically just "Validated" my whole life.  I didn't need Validation, I needed ADVICE...make sure you have that kind of therapist.  who is giving you good sound advice...who is directing you in ways the load is getting lighter in your mind, and not staying the same.

That is my sound advice for you :)

Best of wishes.

 I agree with this.    I would like to add,  living while continually past tripping is like trying to drive forward while looking in the rear view mirror.     It sounds like you are continually trying to justify and change the facts of your past.    Instead of fighting it,   try to accept,  these are just facts of your past.   Nothing you can do will change them.   They are what they are.    Quit fighting and trying to justify how "unfair, wrong and hurtful" those were.   Let go of that baggeage, no excuses and look at who you truely are right now.   We all have character defects.   A huge eye opener is to truely look at them and make small changes to improve ourselves- inspite of anything from the past. 

   Seperate things going on in your life.    Get logic.     If we throw everything together it is confusing, overwhelming and nothing gets better.   We can get stuck in the cycle of "insanity". ( Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results  ) .  Simplify, watch and redirect your thinking and focus on what is good.  

    You can only change yourself.    Hugs !! 


DesignGirl450
by Lynda on Feb. 2, 2013 at 5:31 PM


Quoting marchantmom06:

Well for one I would stop using ECT!

And no you shouldn't feel betrayed. You cannot make him mad at your child just because you are.

I couldn't imagine putting my child out and not knowin when and if I'd see them again. It's clear your daughter needs help and you pushing her out the door is exactly like your brother and mother ignoring you had a problem when you were younger. Chances are your daughter thinks this behavior is normal because you allowed your mother to belittle and berate her.
Yes your daughter is wrong for treating you that way BUT she learned it in your home under your care.

She makes some good points.  You say you have excellent therapists, but how do you know they are if you are still having ECT?  I didn't know it was even used any more, and maybe a different doctor would suggest alternative therapies to help you.   You don't seem to be at all happy with your husband, but I gather you are still living with him, even though he doesn't sound like much of a prize, nor adding any enrichment to your life.  Living with him is probably contributing to your ongoing unhappiness.  I agree that your daughter has learned her behaviour (as we all do) by what she has witnessed in her life while growing up.  To answer your question, I don't think there is anything wrong with your husband helping  your daughter to move, as after all, she was told to move out.  

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