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I have a 25 year old daughter who seems to take out all her frustrations with life on me.  I suffered a major breakdown about 4 years ago.  I'm on anti-depressant meds. and meds. for anxiety.  I see my psychiatrist every 4 weeks.  I see my therapist at least once a month sometimes more if need arises.  I also go every 9 weeks for ECT (ElectroConvulsiveTherapy).  In fact I have a treatment tomorrow.  My nervous breakdown was due to a lifetime of difficulties which include an abusive alcoholic father, losing my one and only brother to AIDS, losing my best friend to cancer, having a husband who's cheated and has been telling "little white lies" since the day I met him.  My mother is another story.  I begged both my brother and my mother to see a counselor with me after my father died from a massive heart attack when he was 49.  It was a relief in one way, but in another, he was still my father.  Neither one would go so I've been seeing my therapist for well over 10+ years on my own.  I forgave my husband, moved my mother in our home after she broke her hip, and listened to her verbally abuse both my husband and my daughter constantly.  I'm not quite sure what pushed me over the edge; I thought I had dealt with all of this.  However, the most I remember is walking out of the school I worked at in tears and becoming "conscious" about 2 years later.  ECT affects memory; it took 3 in one week to bring me around.  I wanted to die; I was starving myself.  As I said, I don't know what pushed me over, but one of the issues was my daughter's drinking, verbal assaults, abusive relationships, and an abortion.  I've tried and tried to develop a relationship with my mother.  She pushed me too far; after a few years, I had to throw her out to keep my sanity.  This past week-end I had to throw my daughter out.  It was not easy, but necessary.  I couldn't be here while she gathered up her things.  I went to a friend's house.  I had put her out before, but my husband would always insist on taking her back.  We went to my therapist together.  He had agreed it was time for her to be out of our house and on her own.  This was at least 6 months ago.  My "problem" is this, am I wrong feeling betrayed and hurt because my husband helped her pack her things.  I feel she should have brought her "boyfriend" or her other friends she loves so much to help her.  He has 7 stents in his heart, is diabetic, and has an ankle held together by "nuts and bolts."  We have 3 flights of stairs that he had to be going up and down.  Not to mention, how is this showing her that we mean "business" this time?  That he's finally backing me up?  It took him 3 days to talk to me, to acknowledge that I have feelings.  I'm just hoping that she will make it this time because I love her with all my heart, but I cannot live with her under the same roof anymore.  I expressed these feelings to her, but it did no good.  Once again, she verbaly assaulted me.  I'm not sure where she went and as in my mother's case, I do not expect to hear from her unless she needs something.  Both she and her father talked more to the dog than to me.  So, please ladies, no bashing, but am I wrong?! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

f "becoming conscious

by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 7:09 AM
Replies (11-14):
jules8289
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 7:37 PM

 Some issues you are just going to have to let go. Forgive some of these issues. Your long, long time an adult now. Way past your childhood and the things that hurt you then. Is there anything you can do about your deceased alcoholic father? If not....let it go and be who you are meant to be. Your brother is gone from Aids. He is at peace now. You should be too. How long ago did he pass on? How would he feel knowing you are still torn up about his death. Your Mother you put out of your house. Good. That is controlling your surroundings. Your daughter is a mess too. She cannot blame you for her crappy life if she is 25 years old. She's an adult and knows right from wrong. If your husband is a lieing cheater give him to boot too. Quit being a victim. I know it's harder for some than others to get over the wrongs in our life but you are letting things you have no control over getting the best of you and controling your life. Stop! Take your meds, see your psychiatrist and quit that ECP. Is there a reason you just can't stop doing that? Maybe it's time to seek a new psychiatrist if your still a huge mess. Take control of your life! Quit letting other people dictate how your life is going and quit letting yourself feel crappy. I don't want to be mean but it sounds as if your so accustomed to letting yourself wallow in a pool of self pity that you can't climb out of it. Everyone suffers tragedy. I have suffered much, much tragedy. But I refuse to let that bygone stuff rule my life. It's stays in the past. Where it belongs because that is where it happened. My past. And I refuse to let it rule my future. Also, if you believe in God....seek Him. Go to church and talk to the right people there. They can also help you. God will help you if you ask him and your sincere.

Maddie24
by Gold Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 9:56 PM

 Oh my, you are carrying the weight of all your life's pain with you.  It is too heavy a burden and you need to lighten your load.  I am so sorry.  My exH (we are still family) and our youngest DD are a 'team' - his words.  He would side with her every time because they were very close and she needed him.  Unfortunately my job as her parent was the tough love. Try not to take his helping her as an attack on you.  I hope that he was fully supportive of your daughter moving out - it was certainly time for her to move out.  Always have hope and be open to healing between you and your daughter.  She has a lot of growing up to do and she will.  I am so sorry that your childhood was so painful and the relationship with your mother is so bad.  Your mother no longer lives with you and your daughter is an 'adult' now stretching her wings to fly.  You have the freedom to make the best of the years ahead.  I hope that you can set your burdens down and move forward.  I truly understand.  I know.  Choose  and fight to be happy.

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by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 12:03 AM

I do agree with this,
So sorry you are having to deal with all this.
Hugs to you :)

Quoting sweetnana1964:

No one can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel.  I do not believe your husband is betraying you, I do not blame you for asking your daughter to leave. After all, she is an adult not a child. No one should be allowed to verbally abuse you in your home, Not your mother, daughter NOONE. Yes your daughter did probably learn this behavior from your mother but it does not make it right. My one suggestion is to always keep an open heart with your daughter. When you do hear from her let her know you will always love her but you will no longer allow anyone to abuse you verbally anymore (same with your mother). If she gets upset with you for saying this tell her you will not listen to anything she has to say to you until she can be more respectful and either hand up, walk away ore ask her to leave if she is in your home. Let her know you will be happy to talk to her like adults when she can be respectful.


nuts4scouts
by Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 1:25 PM


Quoting rosiemendo:

This past week-end I had to throw my daughter out.  It was not easy, but necessary.  I couldn't be here while she gathered up her things.  I went to a friend's house.  I had put her out before, but my husband would always insist on taking her back.  We went to my therapist together.  He had agreed it was time for her to be out of our house and on her own.  This was at least 6 months ago.  My "problem" is this, am I wrong feeling betrayed and hurt because my husband helped her pack her things.  I feel she should have brought her "boyfriend" or her other friends she loves so much to help her.  He has 7 stents in his heart, is diabetic, and has an ankle held together by "nuts and bolts."  We have 3 flights of stairs that he had to be going up and down.  Not to mention, how is this showing her that we mean "business" this time?  That he's finally backing me up?  It took him 3 days to talk to me, to acknowledge that I have feelings.  I'm just hoping that she will make it this time because I love her with all my heart, but I cannot live with her under the same roof anymore.  I expressed these feelings to her, but it did no good.  Once again, she verbaly assaulted me.  I'm not sure where she went and as in my mother's case, I do not expect to hear from her unless she needs something.  Both she and her father talked more to the dog than to me.  So, please ladies, no bashing, but am I wrong?! 

Are you wrong feeling "betrayed and hurt because my husband helped her pack her things"? In a word YES.

This is your husband's daughter too. Just because you choose to distance yourself from her, both mentally, and physically, does not mean that her father must do so also. "Backing" you does not mean he is required to shut his daughter out.

By helping your daughter get out of your home, your husband IS supporting your decision to "throw out" your daughter. By supporting your decision, despite his obvious reservations, he is also showing that he cares about you.

However, by helping her move out, despite his physical problems, he is also showing his daughter that he still loves her too.

You complain that it took him three days to acknowledge that you have feelings on the matter. Perhaps you should acknowledge that HE, also, has feelings.

You might also consider discussing with your therapist the fact that mental health issues do not only hurt/affect the person who is sick. They also have very serious affects on those close to them. Although in different ways, your mother, husband, and daughter, have been just as affected by your illness as you have.

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