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Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

Turning over new leaf.... No more enabling my adult kids

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:00 PM
  • 21 Replies

Hi,

i just would like to hear from other parents about how they dealt with adult children when they refuse to get a job and take own their own responsibility.  My son is 23.  He has a wife and daughter.  I can't afford to support them anymore.  I have laid down the law at this point.  But just want some advice on sticking with my plan.


hopeless in Alaska

by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Shellness
by Michell on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:19 PM
8 moms liked this

 Well if Coey were on here right now she would tell you to give him a list of the local homeless shelters.

Set down firm fair rules for him and his wife and stick to it! Its not fair for you to be taking care of them. Has this been going on a long time? Even working at McDonalds is putting forth and effort. Theres just no excuse for doing nothing.

Welcome to our group BTW. Glad to have you!

Michell

homeskoolmama
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:21 PM
1 mom liked this

I am a blessed woman, 3 adult sons all with jobs and paying their own way.

hugss
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by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 12:20 AM

You need to show the tough love & send them on their merry  way,
Good luck & let us know how it goes :)

suzeebloch
by Ronna on Feb. 13, 2013 at 6:38 AM
1 mom liked this

First, welcome to our group!  From my personal experience, this is way better and cheaper than seeing a therapist!!!  lol.  come here and vent and read our replies - you'll feel so much better!

does your son, daughter-in-law and grandchild live with you?  Does she work?  Once your son turned 18, you are no longer legally responsible for him - remind him of that!  Yes, I agree he should be finding a job - they BOTH should be working.  How old is your grandchild?  Would you be able to watch the child while they are out working? 

Give them a deadline, 30, 60 or 90 days, to find a job and their own place - and then stick to it.  I'm sorry but this is so much easier said than done, but if you don't do something, they are going to continue to take advantage of your support.  Stay firm!  And come back here soon to fill us in on more details!

Again, welcome to MWAK! 

lorriekueffer
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 7:41 AM

Hi Rnjoyful,,,I hear the frustration you're in. I would have to say I agree with suzeebloch. That's very reasonable to give them a deadline, that way they have some time to prepare. Then stick with it!!!  If it helps you to feel less harsh about it, maybe you can keep saying "I love you BUT this can't go on."  You already know by letting them mooch from you, it's not helping them become independent. So be loving, but firm.

Are you an RN too?

atlmom2
by Susie on Feb. 13, 2013 at 8:02 AM
Should have kicked them out long ago. Set a date and stick with it. Take them to apply at all the fast food places. Tell them to get 2 jobs, even 3. I don't deal with lazy people.
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sadiesdepot
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 9:09 AM

Sit him down and tell them that they made a choice to get married and have a child. It is their responsibility to house, feed, and cloth that child until it is 18. You did your job as a mother raising him. Now it's his turn to stand up and be a man and take on his responsibilities.  Take both of them down to the military recruiting office and tell him when his has made a decision which branch to join you will pick him up. 

I was very lucky that two of my three children decided to join the military while in high school on deferred enrollment. My son went with the Coast Guard for three years. Then later joined the Army National Guard. My oldest daughter joined the Army the summer before 911. She became a combat photographer. My son is now 35 and is doing well in the Army National Guard. My daughter got out tried a couple of professions and settled on being an RN. She is currently working on her Bachlors and wants to be a Nurse Practioner. My youngest daughter married a Marine. She is now working for the government. 

We want the best for our children. We want them to have it better than we did. Out of my three only 1 was really a go getter. The other two needed nudging. 

If you're ready to be a stand in mom for the grandchild then push the wife to join too. It won't hurt either of them. Plus they can pay into a fund for one year. Then when they get out they can go to college or vocational school paid by the military. It's a win win situation for all involved.  Good Luck.

LEK19
by Platinum Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 9:57 AM

That is just it - stick to the plan! You can do it!

They may belly-ache about it or get angry but eventually they come around and realize it is what they have to do.

Nothing wrong with now and then giving them a hand but not a hand-out!

Be strong! You can do it! 

Momforhealth
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 10:11 AM

Conflict is just part of the process of getting something done.  Just realize there is going to be conflict and take it with a grain of salt.  It always has a way of working itself out.

I hope some of these ladies have more helpful advice for you.

nana9106
by Darlene on Feb. 13, 2013 at 11:59 AM
Hi, welcome to the group!
Lay out your expectations in a contract. If they wont sign or comply..set a date for them to move out. And stick to it, don't give an inch. Come here and vent anytime. Let us know what you decide to do
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