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My Estranged child

Posted by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:07 PM
  • 42 Replies



Please advice, I am hurting. 

Our single Forty + year daughter last spoke to us a year back this day.  She sent us a letter saying she is tired of parenting us since she was born. Yes, since she was born. We don't need her financial support or shelter  She has a good job and lots of face book friends. She gets stressed over Thanksgiving, Christmas and leaves the country. Valentine day and other holidays is very stressful for her.  She wants to be a single mom and blames us for not helping her. At first she felt she should find Mr right but this is not to be she said. She is very independent and very bipolar. Her Facebook friends encouraged her to have a baby. Will they be there for her and her child? She won't talk to us or her siblings until she has a baby. She has been trying IVF since two  year. She won't answer my calls, letters or emails. Her sibling and she don't say in touch. The only one who cares for her is us. The other side of her is sweet and loving but she won't talk to us. Her uncle and Aunty's are of no help. No one wants to tell her any thing but rather walk on egg shells around her. We are not in the best of health and feels very helpless. I have seen a therapist learning to cope.  Loving is unconditual and we love our daughter. It hurts.


by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kuntrylady56
by Gold Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:22 PM

Hi and welcome to the group. It sounds like your daughter deffinitly has some issues going on. And with not knowing the whole story and background I can only give you my opinion based on what you wrote.

But shes a 40 year old woman and it sounds like she just dosen't want to face the truth or facts dealing with her life the way other people see it. And the ones who don't agree with her way of thinking,she just chooses to avoid.

Is she embarassed because shes older and still single,or feels like shes being prosecuted by her siblings because she wants to be a single Mom? Maybe she dosen't want to be around family because she feels shes a failure in your eyes?

All I can say is maybe the best thing to do is step back and give her space.If she wants to distance herself,let her. She will find out soon enough who really loves and cares for her. It may take time but just have patience with her.

Maddie24
by Gold Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:35 PM

Molly - I wish I knew something to help, but I really do not know anything about bipolar, other than it requires medication and monitoring.  I know you must be hurting.  A parent does not want to lose a child.  The thing we long for the most is a relationship with our children - that is how we are made.  You do not have to support your daughter in IVF.  It may be that your daughter does not want to be a part of the family right now.  You cannot change that and certainly cannot give in to emotional blackmail.  I have always tried to hold on to what I think is right even though it temporarily puts a wedge between my DD and myself.  I have found that they eventually grow through the disagreement.  I hope you and your family are able to find someway to deal with the pain and hurt. 

sweetnana1964
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:47 PM

All I can say is maybe the best thing to do is step back and give her space.If she wants to distance herself,let her. She will find out soon enough who really loves and cares for her. It may take time but just have patience with her.


I agree with this. I have been through this with my children and it is heartbreaking. But I have learned that if I am just patient they always come back around.  You seem like a very caring mother and I feel eventually she will realize she needs her parents and she will come around. It can be extreamly difficult with a person with BiPolar.  My daughter is BiPolar and I love her dearly but I have learned that I will never have what you might call "normal" relationship with her and I have had to learn to adapt.




Mariagma3
by Silver Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:52 PM

 It sounds to me like your daughter is blaming you because she hasn't had a child yet. I don't have any idea, but that's my first guess. At 40 years old, that decision is HERS and HERS alone. It also sounds like there is also alot more going on here. She's also realizing that her biological clock is ticking... Good luck to you~!

hugss
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by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 12:11 AM

Welcome to the group Molly,
Am sorry for what you are going through with your dd.
She is an adult & can do whatever she chooses ..
If she wants to have a child then so be it & good luck to her.
All I can suggest is you be there for her.
Good luck & please let us know how things are going :)

Molly2u
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 12:32 AM


Thank you very much for your respond.

My daughter has had insecurity issues. She comes on strong, bullies and tries to control, becomes abusive, accuse and becomes delusional. She had had boyfriend issues.  She told me last year one of her boyfriends abused her. I responded I knew he was not for you this boyfriend broke of with her 16 or 17 years back and she made a bigs thing of this. She asked me if I would be embarrassed if she had a baby and I said no. She asked me if I would love her baby and I said " I love her and I am sure I would love her baby."  I was concerned about her raising a child with out a father. I also felt she was depriving a child of a father. She had always complained she did not know her dad enough. I am married to her father and she grew up with me an him. Her younger siblings don't support her idea of being a single mom and have told her this. Her cousin is  Autistic and her siblings are worried of having children. This is a serious concern who will take care of your child if something happens to you? My husband an I have health issues and I can't promise to be around to see her child grow up.  Call us stupid we do worry and like to orginize what ever we can about life. I don't like to take chance and neither do the siblings. Because our daughter has a quick temper and defenately suffers from personility disorder and depression and delusion we were worried for her and her baby. We even told her it is not right to her to tell her our fears. We fear rightly or wrongly is because we love her. One of my friends who is friends with my daughter said to me " you should help her get pregrant this way you two can get close and you can control her." My idea is not about controlling, it's about loveing and not about putting shutter's on either. I do not want to control my daughter. I wasn't whats right for her. She has never gotten along with her siblings and I feel very sad for her. Her sibling have told her all the pros and cons of having a child. They are busy with there lives and because my daughter tries to always say shocking things they try to avoid her instead of having a fight with her. This breaks my heart but I also feel there is a time and place. My daughter has seen a therapist in the past I don't know if she sees one or not. I have always been willing for group therapy and my door is always open for her in my heart. What I am fearing my husband and I have health issues. She knows of this and says we are lying to seek attention! Life does come to an end, once we are gone I fear she will be isolated and very alone. Her siblings and cousins will end all relatationships with her is what i fear. 







Quoting kuntrylady56:

Hi and welcome to the group. It sounds like your daughter deffinitly has some issues going on. And with not knowing the whole story and background I can only give you my opinion based on what you wrote.

But shes a 40 year old woman and it sounds like she just dosen't want to face the truth or facts dealing with her life the way other people see it. And the ones who don't agree with her way of thinking,she just chooses to avoid.

Is she embarassed because shes older and still single,or feels like shes being prosecuted by her siblings because she wants to be a single Mom? Maybe she dosen't want to be around family because she feels shes a failure in your eyes?

All I can say is maybe the best thing to do is step back and give her space.If she wants to distance herself,let her. She will find out soon enough who really loves and cares for her. It may take time but just have patience with her.



hugss
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Take Some *Time Out* for You, Join our Friendly/Supportive group. :)
Yesterday at 11:45 PM
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by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 12:35 AM

Hugs to you hon,
She needs to decide waht she wants ..
Regardless of others ..
Wishing you all the best & please keep us updated :)

Quoting Molly2u:



Thank you very much for your respond.

My daughter has had insecurity issues. She comes on strong, bullies and tries to control, becomes abusive, accuse and becomes delusional. She had had boyfriend issues.  She told me last year one of her boyfriends abused her. I responded I knew he was not for you this boyfriend broke of with her 16 or 17 years back and she made a bigs thing of this. She asked me if I would be embarrassed if she had a baby and I said no. She asked me if I would love her baby and I said " I love her and I am sure I would love her baby."  I was concerned about her raising a child with out a father. I also felt she was depriving a child of a father. She had always complained she did not know her dad enough. I am married to her father and she grew up with me an him. Her younger siblings don't support her idea of being a single mom and have told her this. Her cousin is  Autistic and her siblings are worried of having children. This is a serious concern who will take care of your child if something happens to you? My husband an I have health issues and I can't promise to be around to see her child grow up.  Call us stupid we do worry and like to orginize what ever we can about life. I don't like to take chance and neither do the siblings. Because our daughter has a quick temper and defenately suffers from personility disorder and depression and delusion we were worried for her and her baby. We even told her it is not right to her to tell her our fears. We fear rightly or wrongly is because we love her. One of my friends who is friends with my daughter said to me " you should help her get pregrant this way you two can get close and you can control her." My idea is not about controlling, it's about loveing and not about putting shutter's on either. I do not want to control my daughter. I wasn't whats right for her. She has never gotten along with her siblings and I feel very sad for her. Her sibling have told her all the pros and cons of having a child. They are busy with there lives and because my daughter tries to always say shocking things they try to avoid her instead of having a fight with her. This breaks my heart but I also feel there is a time and place. My daughter has seen a therapist in the past I don't know if she sees one or not. I have always been willing for group therapy and my door is always open for her in my heart. What I am fearing my husband and I have health issues. She knows of this and says we are lying to seek attention! Life does come to an end, once we are gone I fear she will be isolated and very alone. Her siblings and cousins will end all relatationships with her is what i fear. 







Quoting kuntrylady56:

Hi and welcome to the group. It sounds like your daughter deffinitly has some issues going on. And with not knowing the whole story and background I can only give you my opinion based on what you wrote.

But shes a 40 year old woman and it sounds like she just dosen't want to face the truth or facts dealing with her life the way other people see it. And the ones who don't agree with her way of thinking,she just chooses to avoid.

Is she embarassed because shes older and still single,or feels like shes being prosecuted by her siblings because she wants to be a single Mom? Maybe she dosen't want to be around family because she feels shes a failure in your eyes?

All I can say is maybe the best thing to do is step back and give her space.If she wants to distance herself,let her. She will find out soon enough who really loves and cares for her. It may take time but just have patience with her.




Molly2u
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 8:42 AM



Thank you. 

I have no choice but given her space. I send her shot notes that we love her to keep her connected.  Who can she blame but us? I am fine with it if she is reasonable up to a point. Sadly she is very prickly and is hurting. She had lots to give but she is not happy receiving. One x'mass she wanted a Video recorder. My husband bought her the best one from Best buy. She screamed bloody murder about how wicked and insensitive he was she wanted a cheap one. We got her every thing on her list but she did not see this. She wanted a watch for her birthday and said she wanted one around $ 100 or a bit more. I bought her one and because she was leaving for a meeting next day I said I will drive it over and bring her some lunch. She said I don't have time for lunch you can come any time you want and leave it. I desided to give my husband lunch and on the way to her place stopped over to buy her a ballon to tie to her gift. I though she would be happy. I was on the parkway closer to her home she called 28 times where was I. I was two blocks from her apartment and got stuck in traffic by now she was hysterical cussing me, I kept telling her stick you neck out and see where I am? Her screaming and language became worse and I told her I am turning back. Once I received home I found a abusive letter on my computer about me being always always late and she wants to do nothing with toxic people. The email was sent 9 minutes before I was late. The next day she hurt her ankle going to her meeting. I was to be blamed because I got her worked up the day before. I was not angery with her I felt sorry for her. Something is not right. I can understand if she was in her teens but she was in her 30's. She blames me know one told her by sister had died. I was with my sister in the hospital until she passed away in Asia. She had broken contact with my husband and wished him dead few days earlier. He was recovering from surgery and no one bothered to call her. She called me at my sisters and I told her I just walked in my sister passed away. My sister battled cancer for 4 years. It was simply the worst thing for my sister and the family. No one needed this cussing and abusing from my daughter because she was hurting. She is a university grad mind you! 



Molly2u
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 8:46 AM


Thank you, thank you, thank you. What a great group of supporting people.  I am at my wits end trying to get emotional support and advise. I can do with all the support and advise. I love my daughter very much and I miss the daughter I knew once. 

LeJane
by Bronze Member on Feb. 15, 2013 at 11:38 AM
1 mom liked this

 Hi there,  

    Honestly,          It doesn't sound healthy for any baby to come into this situation- ever.     It also sounds like she might need a bit of intervention....      

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