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As moms, when do you ...or don't you

Posted by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 1:40 PM
  • 32 Replies

Give advice to your adult kids.. you can see where they may need it, or may be "over looking something" and might make a mistake.. but where do we  stop or do we ever stop? We are their mom. 

My oldest daughter is unfortunately going thru a divorce, one that, had she listened to my advice, she wouldn't be going thru  now(but that has made her a stronger person) She herself told me, if she has listened to my advice to wait on marrying, until after she graduated college, she would have seen this wasn't a man she would have picked for a husband and father for her kids(they met,dated & married in 2 months) tho I didn't like I, I still supported her.

Now thru her divorce process, I'm trying to offer her suggestions, when she brings things up, I've been divorced ( twice) I also have step children. I've mentioned to her, be very careful, once those papers are filed, she is stuck with them until her youngest daughter is 18. The STBX all of a sudden is being sooo nice, he wants to pay for everything, as long as they do the paperwork together ( HELLO RED FLAG!) NO LAWYERS, (HELLO RED FLAG) When she met this guy he was over $8,000.oo in arrears in Child support, and he all ready had 2 ex wives, she found out about the 3rd one the day they went to get their marriage license, again I mentioned maybe just waiting a little longer until she gets to know this guy better, as he hasn't told her all of his "stuff" yet. He has 3 kids, (now 5 as they have 2)

He tricked his 2nd ex wive into no child support last yr when his son wanted to come live with "them" and had the lawyer put in as long as each parent had 1 child , no child support should be paid, he makes 3 times what she does.(she of course was also to blame for not reading the papers.

I have mentioned to have his child support put on wage deduction, considering where he was with his child support when she met him,(she said well they are on speaking terms, so she is going to let him  pay it with out wage deduction) He tried to sneak getting custody of the girls in the papers, and he refuses to change diapers! They went to a paralegal and sat down and worked out things, (none of their bills from when they were living together were worked in this divorce,YES I told her they are to be split as he was there , and he ran up credit cards too etc) HE lied to the mortgagee, and left her with the mortgage 3 months behind, (the man is holding the mortgage and knew my moms phone number and called her, as he didn't have my daughters # & the STBX stopped calling him and wouldn' take the mans calls!) Thankfully he is willing to work with my daughter on this as she had no clue!(again, I said that needs to be put in the paper work for him to pay half of that debit)

They owe my parent several thousands of dollars for credit cards my parents let them use for house repairs, and my dd to put her college stuff on, (I told her that needed to be put in the papers) NONE of this stuff was. HE isn't even paying child support because they didn't use a lawyer, so no temporary hearing to get it started! They just filed the papers and wait for a court date to get divorced! YES I told her she needs to file for an emergency hearing to get the child support started! 

I told her NOT to sign anything with out having an atty at least look over the stuff, most atty do free consultations! (deaf ears)

She is going to regret this, she all ready is, as he isn't paying the child support. She has no proof, because there is no court order for it. Just a date for when the filed the papers. NOW that HE has what he wanted, he is being a jack wagon, nasty mean, and half the time doesn't even pick up the girls, or will call the in the middle of the week drunk!

His GF has 3 kids, she doesn't have custody of, I'd be looking for her ex and seeing why!  IF STBX takes the girls on his time, there is a total of 6 sometimes 7 kids in that home 3 bedrooms and 3 adults live there. The kids ages ranges  are 2- 2 yr olds 3 yr old 5 yr old(once in a while a 12 yr) 13 yr 14 yr. I'm worried sick for my grand daughters, how does a father pay attention to and care for those babies with that in the house plus impress his new chick of the month?

Now I know my daughter has a good head on her shoulders (most of the time) but going thru a divorce is rough, and stressful.. I believe in court she is going to have the judge slap a wage deduction  on his child support, he also works under the table she of course can't prove. Thankfully she has a good job. Right now she is skimmin by. I'm trying to be supportive, give advice when she seems receptive, but not pushy.

planning a wedding

by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 1:40 PM
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by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 5:04 PM
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Unfortunately, our kids adult or otherwise , have to learn for themselves. Give advise and if she takes it , great, if not. pray. Our adult kids have to live their own lives. We would love to save them from error and pain but it doesn't seem to work that way. it sure hasn't with my kids.

by Mary Ann on Feb. 17, 2013 at 5:36 PM
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For some unknown reason, kids of all ages like to learn from experience and in the process make mistakes that only if they had listened could have been avoided.  And probably if we think back, we would recall that we were much the same.  I believe that giving the advice is a good thing, making them take it is a whole other thing.  And like Dawn says, at that point we pray.  There is absolutely no way, no matter how much we want to, that we can save them from some of life's hard lessons.  Mine usually politely listen to me and then go about doing what they, not dear old mom, thinks is best.

by Susie on Feb. 17, 2013 at 5:39 PM
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I make suggestion sometime. If they don't like it, too bad.
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by Jeanine on Feb. 17, 2013 at 6:42 PM
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 Yikes.  She not only needs advice she needs a swift kick in the butt!  I would continue to counsel your dd.

by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 9:08 PM

Instead of "mentioning" or "suggesting", I would be YELLING at this kid to take her head out of her ass.

  When I see *my* kids being idiots, I am NOT shy about letting them know.  I'd MUCH rather deal with them not liking what I say, but HEARING it and maybe it sinks in before they hit the iceburg, than be stuck picking up the emotional and financial pieces of a disaster,  that could go on for years--like THIS disaster will.

by Lisa on Feb. 17, 2013 at 10:08 PM

Sometimes they just have to learn the "hard" way. Sad but true.

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by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:05 AM

I would keep on trying with all your *suggestions* to her,
The papers really need to be looked over by an attorney *before* she signs anything.
Do't give up & keep trying!
Good luck & let us know what happens ;)

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:56 AM

Did you listen to your mother when she tried to direct you?  If so, how did she go about it so that you accepted it? If you didn't, what was the big turn off and how can you avoid saying those things to your daughter?  There comes a point where we are limited on what we can do. I like the idea of hints rather than orders.

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 3:57 AM

She sounds like me at one time....I didn't want any conflict w/ex & wanted everything to go thru fast & easy.Damn, did I make a mistake back in the day...Write her a letter about it all & leave it on her dresser. She May take it to heart & begin to Think about the future of the kids w/o child support. Has she even thought of who pays for college or weddings for daughters? explain the future your grand daughters may or may NOT have..Then after writing it down..not much you can do but stand by her side & hold her when she cries it out.I always read my moms letters more than I listened to her...Not sure why I did that...She died & i still her her letters to me. :) Lord, my mom was would love to hear that from me now

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 4:07 AM

Can she at least   let the judge decide what is fair for them putting everything on paperwork that they owe & assets & custody, etc...Tell her to ask the  the judge to decide what he/she thinks is fair for them both. & Trust the judge with experience ;)

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