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Joining an already formed family......

Posted by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 12:19 PM
  • 15 Replies

Hello Everyone,

I searched the web to find help, and support and found your group.  I am hoping for advice, and discussion from others who share my experience to help me and get thru a challenging time.

My partner and now fiancee have found ourselves back in each others lives after first meeting 21 years ago.  Since losing touch 19 years ago she had her son who is now 19.  I live in New York and her and her son live in Canada.

Due to my work, we are now in a 1 year  long distant relationship and thru which most of it has spent for long periods of time just her and I here in New York.  I am planning a move this summer to live with her and her son.

I have been living a single life for more then half of my life and have fear over the changes and personal challenges I will face by living with a young adult.  My only experience with young adults is with my two nephews who live in another state.

But to be completely honest and not proudly, I selfishly want my fiancee and I to be able to start our lives living together, just the two of us.  And to be even more painfully honest and what I know simmers under all of this is my inability to share her.  I know this behavior is childish.  I am not proud of my weakness.

I know this is the underlying issue for me and is what makes me judgmental of her son and his behavior, which in all honesty is not bad.  He loves his mom deeply I know that to be true.  My judgement of him and his typical young male behavior of not picking up after himself, and in my unsolicited opinion of not helping his single mother out enough, has been hurtful to my partner and unfair to him.

I also know that I will be losing out of a wonderful relationship with an interesting young man if I don't change my view of the situation.  I also know that I am hurting his mother, the one person I love the most.

I know in my heart that the underlying issues are my own fears.  Fears of entering a family as an outsider and feeling alone, even though my partner couldn't be more supportive of me and the changes I will be facing.  And the changes we all will be facing.  Just one example of her love and support to help with some of those changes, has been her wisely instilling more responsibilities on her son which in turn she knows will be helpful in his development and growth.

How does a person cope with these irrational feelings?  Logic and sensibility wipe away the fears at times, but those fears can creep back in and seem overwhelming and are so hurtful and painful.

Can anyone suggest reading material or words of advice?

Thanks for your help.


by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 12:19 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Mary Ann on Feb. 25, 2013 at 1:11 PM

You seem to recognize the problem but are unable to do what you know is the solution.  I honestly believe you might benefit from some counseling.  This young man will probably soon be moving out of his mother's home but the strong mother/son bond and love will always remain.  You must, if any of you are to be happy, accept this fact.  This in no way affects how your fianance feels about you.  And since this is the person you love most, it is imperative that you accept and care for her son.  It is necessary for you to seek help in resolving your self esteem issues so that you can make this move and all three of you be happy.  Good luck.

by Lisa on Feb. 25, 2013 at 1:44 PM

The only thing I can suggest is counceling.

by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 1:50 PM

Thank you for you honesty and directness.  I actually have started seeing a therapist to deal with my problem.  I know it's the right thing to do and that I need the help.  Hearing it from a stranger only reaffirms that.  Thank you again. 

by Gold Member on Feb. 25, 2013 at 1:53 PM

 I cannot personally relate to how you are feeling, but I'm pretty certain it may be similar to anyone else who is connecting into an already made family and you having not shared that same experience may be a sense of fear that isn't relatable to your partner.  But understandable for sure.

I agree with Lady may be better served in counseling on how to channel those emotions.  That loving someone can in fact be even deeper when you love the ones they love as well.

Good for you recognizing how you are feeling about it though.

wishing  you the best.

by Platinum Member on Feb. 25, 2013 at 2:17 PM

I think its always hard to blend a family.Both my marriages have been to a man who already had children,teenagers in the first and my current marriage his daughter was in her late 20's but still living at home.

Its always hard when you come into a relationship with children involved and it sounds like your fiance' and her son have a very close relationship as most single parents and a single child do,as they have to depend on each other quite a bit.

The only advice I can give you is just to take one day at a time and try not to stress over things that haven't happened yet and might not ever happen.As they saying goes,"Don't go borrowing trouble." You already realize you're going to have trouble with "sharing" your fiance with her son. Well,he was their first and will always be first in her heart.  But luckily you have a fiance' who is already working on some of the issues.  

If you go in there with a open heart and mind and don't push yourself on her son or try to monopolize her time with him it will work out. There will be jealousy issues on both sides.  

If you and her haven't already sat down and talked to him about how serious your realtionship is,this would be a good time to do it. And maybe you let him know your concerns and vice versa. As in all relationships being able to have good communication with all parties concerned is best.

Me and my step daughter had our fights and disagreements,believe  Because she was an only child and her Dad had let her get away with being lazy  and there were other issues also.  But me and her Dad have been together for 13 years now. And she gotten married and out on her own.  We have a good relationship and I love her like my own.  But it takes time and for you to get to know each other.And I also bought a daughter into the marriage 14yo then and 27 now,so it was her and my husband getting used to each other too. And it was rougher on that end.

I wish you luck and I hope you and your new family enjoy many happy years together.

by Gold Member on Feb. 25, 2013 at 2:24 PM

 Hello, and welcome! The only advice I can offer you is to possibly get some counseling. Also, if this is a gay woman/woman relationship; which I have nothing wrong with, please understand you could encounter alot of resentment from the son. New relationships are very hard on kids. Especially one that is very different, such as this might be. Good luck to you both!

by Jeanine on Feb. 25, 2013 at 2:31 PM

 If he's 19 how much longer will he be living at home???

by Susie on Feb. 25, 2013 at 2:35 PM

Quoting jabs54:

 If he's 19 how much longer will he be living at home???

This.   Also the 19 yo should be in college, and or working and have their own life. 

by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 2:58 PM

Thank you for your support.  I really liked what you said about "loving someone even deeper when you love the ones they love as well."

I want to love her son so sincerely.  I know in my heart that him and I can have our own bond.  He is a sweet, kind, loving person.  He is being raised and loved by such a remarkable woman and out of that came such a sensitive young man.  I know all of this but still those feeling get the best of me.  But with this social support I feel like I can more readily move towards the love and away from the fear.

Thank you.

by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 3:03 PM

...take one day at a time and try not to stress over things that haven't happened yet and might not ever happen. As they saying goes,"Don't go borrowing trouble." 

Thank you for this.  I have to laugh.  My partner says this to me too. 

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