I searched the web to find help, and support and found your group. I am hoping for advice, and discussion from others who share my experience to help me and get thru a challenging time.
My partner and now fiancee have found ourselves back in each others lives after first meeting 21 years ago. Since losing touch 19 years ago she had her son who is now 19. I live in New York and her and her son live in Canada.
Due to my work, we are now in a 1 year long distant relationship and thru which most of it has spent for long periods of time just her and I here in New York. I am planning a move this summer to live with her and her son.
I have been living a single life for more then half of my life and have fear over the changes and personal challenges I will face by living with a young adult. My only experience with young adults is with my two nephews who live in another state.
But to be completely honest and not proudly, I selfishly want my fiancee and I to be able to start our lives living together, just the two of us. And to be even more painfully honest and what I know simmers under all of this is my inability to share her. I know this behavior is childish. I am not proud of my weakness.
I know this is the underlying issue for me and is what makes me judgmental of her son and his behavior, which in all honesty is not bad. He loves his mom deeply I know that to be true. My judgement of him and his typical young male behavior of not picking up after himself, and in my unsolicited opinion of not helping his single mother out enough, has been hurtful to my partner and unfair to him.
I also know that I will be losing out of a wonderful relationship with an interesting young man if I don't change my view of the situation. I also know that I am hurting his mother, the one person I love the most.
I know in my heart that the underlying issues are my own fears. Fears of entering a family as an outsider and feeling alone, even though my partner couldn't be more supportive of me and the changes I will be facing. And the changes we all will be facing. Just one example of her love and support to help with some of those changes, has been her wisely instilling more responsibilities on her son which in turn she knows will be helpful in his development and growth.
How does a person cope with these irrational feelings? Logic and sensibility wipe away the fears at times, but those fears can creep back in and seem overwhelming and are so hurtful and painful.
Can anyone suggest reading material or words of advice?
Thanks for your help.