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Dilemma I am facing with my boyfriend & my daughter

Posted by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 6:34 PM
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My boyfriend has asked me to move in to his home this summer.  We have known each other for 29 years, have been dating for about 1 1/2 years.  His daughter is grown and out of house and mine is a freshman in college, 3 hours away but comes home frequently to visit.  He is totally against her having a room at his house.  I want at least a bed so that she can stay when she is home, he is not liking this.    When she is home she comes and goes as she pleases and he doesn't want this happening at his house, due to his work schedule. My daughter and I have talked and she is okay with the rule of staying there only when she is actually going to stay the night and hang out with us, not come and go, and stay with grandma or dad otherwise. (She is 20).  It just makes me crazy he is so against this, I mean she is my child, I am not going to just shut her out.  I don't know what to make of this, it's killing me

by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 6:34 PM
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by Mary Ann on Feb. 25, 2013 at 6:52 PM
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Sounds like he might be pretty controlling.  I would have to wonder what else he would find objectionable to the point of not allowing it.  I know how torn you must feel but think, if I were you, I would think about it long and hard before agreeing to that.  What other things will his work schedule interfere with?  Will other family members be allowed to visit?  

by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 7:02 PM
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I totally understand him not wanting her to drag her friends in and out of the house, especially him not knowing them. She is gone most of the year, with the exception of summers and breaks. He doesn't want to "fight" about it, yes others can come visit etc, he isn't controlling in other ways, this just bothers the heck out of me. I feel like I am abandoning her in a way and she was like "You mean I won't have a bedroom?"  I know she is almost 21 but she is still in college, etc.    

I just went through a nasty divorce due to abuse to her by my ex (her stepfather) so everything is still fragile for her even though she won't admit it.  

by Ronna on Feb. 25, 2013 at 7:34 PM
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If I was in this situation, I'd think twice, hard, about making a move.  For me, my kids come first and foremost, with my parents and brother a very close second.  I'd postpone moving in with him, but that's just me. 

by Louann on Feb. 25, 2013 at 7:37 PM
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For me....I'd have to re think it all.  I mean, he knows you have a daughter.  He knows she's in school and not out on her own.  He is the father of a grown daughter so he should understand in my opinion.  I understand if he doesn't want a bunch of kids running in and out but that would be the extent of MY understanding.  He'd have to understand that it was a package deal.  Just my opinion.  I hope you can figure out what you need to do.  Let us know.  :)

by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:03 PM
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THat'd be a deal breaker for me. I can see not having a DESIGNATED room for her, but a guest room would be there and she can use it whenver she wants. A courtesy call before a certain time would be expected if she weren't coming home and a rule of if you are out past ____ you are out.

When my kids came and went living at home as adults I never noticed it unless I was watching for them or something. What does he expect her to do? Slam doors and wake the whole house? 

Sorry. He's unreasonable. She may be at college, but home is still her home. 

by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:13 PM
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That is a pretty big "rule" he is setting, and makes me wonder what else he might request of you.  Whether your daughter is living there or not, she will be around and what is going  on in her life will be a part of yours.  You need to think long and hard about this.  If it was me, I would not move in with this guy, and put is wants and needs ahead of my child.  Maybe you can keep your relationship as it is with separate residences.   

by Jeanine on Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:44 PM
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 I wouldn't do it.  I would keep things the same while my child is in college. 

by Susie on Feb. 25, 2013 at 9:13 PM
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Oh hell no. He sounds terrible. He is accepting your family, or not. Deal breaker.
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by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 9:16 PM
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Whatever happened to 50-50 in a household together?  give alittle & take alittle? Compromise when needed?  hmmmm Makes me wonder if I would do it & Probably Not. Please Keep Us updated & good-Luck in whatever you decide. :)


by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 10:25 PM
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This is why I would NEVER move in with someone else, or marry someone else, should my dh get hit by a bus.  *MY* family come first.  In your case, I think you would be an idiot to throw your daughter out like a bag of garbage.  My kids did not move out till they were 21 & 25, and then they both moved back home for a while.  And altho they are 29 & 31, there is STILL a fully set up guest room for them, should they ever need it. 

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