Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

You can't fix stupid. I've tried.

Posted by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 2:28 PM
  • 47 Replies

I think I am just venting... I am not even ticked at this point just kind of disgusted. 

Back story: My 21 year old is my problem child, my cross to bear and all that. We'll call him Gulliver because I think it fits him. Gullible and goofy and all that. He could be a leader, but he's a follower and usually follows right into trouble. REALLY intelligent, but dumber than a rock.

When he was 15 he got a job in a restaurant. We thought they'd fire him within a week. Lazy, zero work ethic and all that. He turned out to be an amazing employee and I was actually proud of him for once. That backfired on me too... He had $ that other kids didn't have and could do things other kids couldn't. He thought he was doing so fantabulous that he quit school and moved out. He's since quit or lost the job. Can't remember which now. And the OLD work ethic is back. He's done NOTHING for probably 3 or 4 years now. 

He met this "girl" who is actually 11 years older in YEARS but about 5 years younger in maturity and intelligence. We'll call her Bertha because it fits... Just picture Honey Boo Boo's mom in a wife beater with long greasy hair. She has 2 children from a previous marriage. Ex has those kids because she has the same work ethic as my kid-NONE-and no sense of responsibility. Welfare city. In fact they are living in what is lovingy referred to as "food stamp camp." Trailer park full of welfare recipients.  She is GROSS, nasty, filthy, lazy and really just dumb (not her fault for being dumb, I know!!) They've been together for the most part for probably 3 years now.

The responsibility level between them is horrific. Drugs-not heavy, just pot and what the kids consider to be the minor things. OF COURSE they don't seem to think that it actually does anything beyond getting you high for now and shouldn't be a problem. Kind of like drinking a beer. Did I mention dumb in there somewhere? Thought so.  

He's done 6 months or near to it in the county jail for following a kid who broke into the firehall. They had the whole thing on video. Gulliver sat on a picnic table. THe other went to "pee" and broke in. Then he came and got mine and said "hey, the door is open!!!" and my dumbass went on in. Brilliance and common sense are not his strong point. THEN he SWORE TO GOD that it wasn't him on the video. It was. I watched it. I refused to bail him out. 

Now, if I were Bertha I'd have smaked him stupid-not that it would take much. When the had  her kids here he acted like a friggin 2 year old and would flat out be an ass so he could go off to smoke pot or play video games with a friend for the whole time. That left her and her kids with us. I refer to the whole lot of them as termites when they come to my house because EVERYTHING disappears They eat EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. I swear that soap and shampoo gets poured down the drain. The list is endless. 

A year or two ago Bertha supposedly had a partial hysterectomy. VERY good thing, she should be spayed. I thanked my lucky stars on that day. Well... you know where I am leading here.

Neither one of them feels that fidelity is a virture to be cultivated and they've both screwed around. Bertha decided to go spend a month or two with one of their friends a few months back. The ex husband won't let her see her other kids unless I am responsible because he knows I will actually get the kids back-she won't. She intends to, but failure to plan doesn't exactly work when the kids live an hour and a half away. Can't walk them to the corner!  SO... she wanted to see her kids and came back to Gulliver. 

So, now Bertha is pregnant. Not sure how that happens when she supposedly had a partial hysterectomy, but... I thought for sure when I heard this it was a sympathy thing to get Gulliver to take her back after she got bored sleeping with the friend. I remembered the partial hysterectomy story. Yeah, well... Evidently I didn't hit the lottery this week because it turns out the hysterectomy story is the lie and she really is pregnant. 

Which leaves me with a million thoughts and feelings and worries swirling about within me. The first two kids were taken for good reason. This won't be any different. She TRULY doesn't see what she's done that isn't in her children's best intrests or it's all someone else's fault. Never hers. Same with good ol' Gulliver. And frankly? He sucks as a parent and would prefer to rule by force. Bertha's little girl is 7 and still has bed wetting issues at night. I threw him out of my house over punishing her for that one. 1. it's normal up to and even beyond age 10 and 2. HE had no right to punish her. I digress... back to topic. So I can see this train wreck coming. We already have a "foster" of sorts here. He's 13. My own kids range from 15 to 24. They're grown long past baby, terrible twos, potty training, kindergarten and all of that crap. I know I'll not have much choice in the matter. THEN my logical mind thinks WAIT... that baby may well not even be his. In fact the dates indicate that it's a DAMN GOOD CHANCE. Logic, however, should never figure into this pair. And the other prospective father is even worse than Gulliver. Heavy drug dealer, abusive... 

OF COURSE, Bertha and Gulliver have NOTHING. They've no clue how to care for anything and everything is disposable. They consume everything they touch. The trailer they are in had carpet. They've destroyed it and now they  have plywood floors. I bought them sofa's about a year ago at a thrift store. Very nice, newer in really great condition. One sits on their front porch with the stuffing spread from here to Christmas and back. The other they ended up hacking up and using for firewood after it went to the same fate. 

Back to the owning nothing. They need everything for a baby. I did TONS for my older son when their daughter was born and I'll do the same for the rest of the kids. It's a grandma's right to do those things! I WANT to do it for this one. But, I also know that everything I buy will get ruined and tossed out. IF the baby gets to use anything more than once I'll be shocked. I am torn here. I am ready to go shopping in the baby section and have a ball!! But I don't want to because it's not going to get to the baby anyway. 

And while we're going BACK to things here there's the whole custody thing. I know what's going to happen and I wish I knew what to think or feel. IF it's my grand baby I will gladly take it and deal. Then again how am I ever going to know and really? If its not I wouldn't turn a baby away. Yet, I still want to know and I REALLY want to slap the stupid out of her. Hell, out of both of them!

Now that you've read my novel... got any words of wisdom for the mom who is usually the one full of words? There is sooooooooo much more I could add here. I have done everything I can from trying to help them find work to them living here to letting them destroy my camper living it it, transporting them everywhere... Lordy, you name it. 

I am thinking a vacation in a warmer climate might fix everything instead of worrying about it!

by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 2:28 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
MamaSnaps
by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 2:30 PM

HOLY CRAP THAT WAS LONG! And it's only a very small fraction of all of my frustrations!

Bleacheddecay
by Gold Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 2:48 PM
1 mom liked this

I think with her track record, you can put child services on her before the baby is even born and they will take it away at the hospital.

Don't enable her visits with her children when they wreck your house and things. She lost them for a reason or many you know what they are.

Get a DNA test done on the baby to determine if it's your grandchild.


EireLass
by Gold Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 3:15 PM
1 mom liked this

You probably won't like what I say. I firmly believe that parents are the reason kids turn out the way they do. If you so freely put your son down on here, to a bunch of strangers, I can tell how you've talked to and about him his entire life. There's no reason for him to improve anything. He has that girlfriend, who treats him the same as you have. I think you need to come to terms and accept your role in his life.

You will not change the people they are. You could suggest he have a DNA test done, but only say it once. He'll either do it, or he won't. If you feel the need to buy baby things, buy diapers, bottles, formula, etc. Things that aren't any good for any other reason but that, that way they won't wreck them or burn them, or whatever. If you buy big, good things....THEY WILL SELL/TRADE THEM FOR DRUGS. Do not allow her and her kids to come to your home ever, or they will continue to eat and use everything you own.


MamaSnaps
by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 3:30 PM

I am very careful about how I talk to my children and practice very much Positive Discipline by way of encouraging and spinning everything in a positive light. Even when I have to say NO it's given with a reason and positive alternative. Each time they come here for whatever it is we encourage and act as if "this is the one..." Or this time it's going to work.

Now here I can let out all the thoughts inside that I can't say to him or any other human being besides my BFF. And to be honest I probably wouldn't discuss most of this with her. She'd probably say "well, it's about damn time you saw how rotten that apple is!" I do, but I just don't let anyone know that besides the very private conversations my husband and I have to strategize the next way to try to get this kid to be a responsible, upstanding adult. What goes on inside and what comes out are two very different things. 

Believe me, they have no clue that I think she's Bertha either. She thinks she has the greatest mother-in-law (or almost mother-in-law) ever and has said as much to many people. 

I have 4 amazing children of my own and a current foster of sorts as well as another that was not ours that we raised thru the teen years.  Each one of them there is something I'd never say to them-but that doesn't mean I don't think it or feel it. This is the side of things not for their ears. In fact the other kids are mind boggled at how positive I remain to Gulliver and get frustrated with me for not giving him the harsh reality of his behaviors. The oldest gets very angry with me for what he considers to be beating my head against a wall. 
What can I say? Gulliver is my kid too and flat out telling him he's a drain on society and needs to get his head out of his ass isn't going to make it happen. I guide him in a positive way TRYING to reinforce and find the good every chance I get. I am very good at getting him to say the negative himself and then guiding him to change it in a positive manner.

This post is just the inner or hidden thoughts and feelings going on.  I can definitely see what you are saying and I should have probably said exactly what this vent was when I began. My mistake there. 

Quoting EireLass:

You probably won't like what I say. I firmly believe that parents are the reason kids turn out the way they do. If you so freely put your son down on here, to a bunch of strangers, I can tell how you've talked to and about him his entire life. There's no reason for him to improve anything. He has that girlfriend, who treats him the same as you have. I think you need to come to terms and accept your role in his life.

You will not change the people they are. You could suggest he have a DNA test done, but only say it once. He'll either do it, or he won't. If you feel the need to buy baby things, buy diapers, bottles, formula, etc. Things that aren't any good for any other reason but that, that way they won't wreck them or burn them, or whatever. If you buy big, good things....THEY WILL SELL/TRADE THEM FOR DRUGS. Do not allow her and her kids to come to your home ever, or they will continue to eat and use everything you own.



Maddie24
by Gold Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 3:31 PM
2 moms liked this

 This does not pertain to your question, but after reading this - I believe you have a future in writing.  I know this is not funny - but you are so artistic in your characterization.

Every situation is different - but for me - I have always told my girls "I will only help you IF you are helping yourself.  Otherwise I am out."  I have done it with both girls (grandbaby included which BROKE my heart).  I would not be helping them.  If you could not get custody of the baby, then I would offer to keep the baby - but I would not help them anymore.  This is probably not a popular answer - but I have reasons for my point of view...one can only do what one is able to do.  I think the vacation and 'fruit punch' sound like a start in figuring this out.  At least you have some time to think about it.

MamaSnaps
by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 3:37 PM

I use humor a LOT because, frankly? What choice do I have? LOL! The alternative is pretty darned depressing! 

I like to think I am kind of the same as what you tell your girls. 

For example: Their recent endeavor is to get back on welfare. They were too lazy to do the required job searches or to even get to the volunteer work of 20 hours a week they require and got booted off. Now they say they want to get back on it and are doing their share. In turn I've driven them to the appointments (we're talking 10 miles one way in a truck that gets about 12 MPG) which are several times a week. They have to do their part or I am out of it AND they have to help us with some things here at the house for that time and money we're putting out. 

I can't do it for them nor would I. That's just not in me. But I help every darned time they come back for more. Knowing full well that the chances of that help actually getting them somewhere are slim to none.

I am pretty confident I'll get the baby when the time comes. I just won custody of a child who came to us through a CPS situation and I've already had my background checks and all of that. Plus the baby would actually be blood relative-easier than what I just did.  

Quoting Maddie24:

 This does not pertain to your question, but after reading this - I believe you have a future in writing.  I know this is not funny - but you are so artistic in your characterization.

Every situation is different - but for me - I have always told my girls "I will only help you IF you are helping yourself.  Otherwise I am out."  I have done it with both girls (grandbaby included which BROKE my heart).  I would not be helping them.  If you could not get custody of the baby, then I would offer to keep the baby - but I would not help them anymore.  This is probably not a popular answer - but I have reasons for my point of view...one can only do what one is able to do.  I think the vacation and 'fruit punch' sound like a start in figuring this out.  At least you have some time to think about it.


momma-t42
by Gold Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 3:43 PM

 

Quoting MamaSnaps:

HOLY CRAP THAT WAS LONG! And it's only a very small fraction of all of my frustrations!

 I was thinking "HOLY CRAP, that was the best friggin novel I've ever read!"  Sorry it's about your life and your son, but you really are a darn good writer and I at least LOVED reading this novel.

I have no advice for you other than, can you write another?...lol  I really am entertained...  but I am sorry it is at your expense.

Hugs to what you're going through

Maddie24
by Gold Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 4:06 PM

It is hard to see an innocent grandchild suffer  from the poor choices of our own children.  Thankfully my DD finally got it and I am SOOOOO proud of her now.  It was rough when my DGD was less than a year old.  I had no reason to take her - but my  daughter was heading no where and I refused to help.  I had to watch her in some pretty bad places until she realized she would be better off to pick a different road.  Once she did - I was able to help.  I hope that your DS will get inspired by his own child (once that is confirmed) and will get a job.  I am so sorry - I know this is tough.  Vent anytime.  I wish there were an easy answer.

Maddie24
by Gold Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 4:13 PM

 Are you married?  Just wondering if 'Dad' had any opinions.  Lord knows you need some emotional support.

momma-t42
by Gold Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 4:19 PM

 One thing I personally would like to add to you.  While I think parents play a huge role in childrens lives, there comes a point where you are no longer liable for what they do.  Even if certain situations could have been avoided with parental influence, our children also make decisions we have NO control over.

What's done is done...and you did the best you could...as most parents I believe do. 

It is not this babies fault, how it's parents live.  I do think the more YOU do though, the LESS they will.  I too buy my grandchild many things and love doing it.  But, my daughter doesn't expect it and thus not do HER part as the mom.

Make sure you hold that boundary so as to not enable your son and or his girlfriend.

Best wishes.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)