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Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

I need advice please

Posted by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:57 AM
  • 25 Replies

New to this so I will try to be concise. My son came in for Easter with grandchildren, girls 6,5 and 3 ( she was sick.) Gramps and I were so excited to see them as my son is divorced and lives over 500 miles away. He arrives with an attitude, which has become more normal in his last few visits. He and my husband, sd, have had words before and he has just packed up and left, and then it blows over. We have been married for over 30 years but this is just a recent drama. My son moved in with us for a few months, uninvited, just assumed it was OK, a couple of times in the past 2years and this was the catalyst for all the drama, I think. 

Visits are stressful as he just assumes that he is here on vacation, no responsibility, sleep in, drink beer and watch sports. My husband has health issues, heart problems, pacemaker, stents, bleeding ulcer and kidney failure, so lots of medical stress at the moment. 

Saturday night, my daughter and family were coming and they decided to get a room at a hotel, so all the kids, they have 3 , and another daughter's family, they have 1, could swim. So 7 of our grandchildren were here. I decided that my husband was getting tired and we should leave and we had the car seats in our van, so we started packing up. Our 16 year old granddaughter had asked to also spend the night. All of a sudden I heard my son say well, he did not have to go, just assuming that it was OK for the kids to go home with us. As we were leaving, the last thing he said was that he would be right behind us. I love my grandchildren but after 4 days, I was exhausted.

But to get to the problem, my husband got up about 2:00 AM and my son was not home. Of course, then I could not sleep and got up. At 2:30, I sent a text, "where are you?" No answer. I thought that he probably had stayed at the hotel, but still had visions that he might have had an accident. My first husband, his dad, was killed in a car accident so I always fear the worst. 

He arrived Easter AM about 8:30 saying "what was that all about," he thought that he was being responsible, by not driving after drinking. I agreed, if he had let me know I would have not stayed up all night worrying. He packed up the kids, he was planning on leaving that morning, but was not even going to have the kids say goodbye , obviously he did not. We had celebrated Christmas, birthdays and Easter. He left presents, lots of their clothing and just left.

i have always bailed him out. He owes us a lot of $$$ plus plus. For the last 3 years, I have had him on my cell phone plan, which of course, he was supposed to pay. Never has and has an attitude when I have told him to watch his data plan etc. I know this is such a minor thing but I am to the point that, as he is fond of telling his children, actions have consequences. I need to be done with his drama and I want to tell him that he has 2 days to either put the phone in his name or get another plan. I know that this will probably sever relations between us, but could they get much worse? Am I just being petty????

by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
louannwilkins
by Louann on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:20 AM

No, you are not being petty.  Actually I don't know why a grown man with kids of his own needs anyone to pay his cell bill.  He seems like he doesn't have any repsect for you or your dh.  He needs to grow up and stop being rude which is what he was in my opinion.  And then taking the kids and just leaving.   It's past time to grow up.  You have a lot on you already it seems like.  I'd tell him the free ride is over.  Maybe he will grow up soon.  Hugs to you!!  Vent away all you need to and keep us posted on what happens.   :)

mac1940
by Mary Ann on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:28 AM

I could not agree more with what Louann said.  It may cause a rift for awhile but it could also cause him to take a look at himself and see how disrespectful he has been and grow up. 

massenberg
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:48 AM

oh no its not you its him he need to grow be a man except responsibilty the ride is over. Dont let it get you down you hav done no wrong

mari2865
by New Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:59 AM
We have to face it our kids are spoiled rotten..
gr8d8n3mom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 12:14 PM
1 mom liked this

I too agree with Louann. It's time he step up to the plate and become the adult. He has children he is responsible for. Time to man up!  You have a husband to care for and that is your first responsibility and your priority. You can't be distracted by your sons childish behavior. HUGS, and vent anytime. keep us posted :)

JenniferW67
by Bronze Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 12:24 PM

Yeah...He may be an adult, but he's acting like a teenager. He's using your home as a place to regress. Has he always been like this or has it been since his breakup?

kuntrylady56
by Gold Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 1:12 PM

It sounds like your son is a very immature young man. To do what he has been doing to you,your husband and his children show he is very selfish also.  As the other ladies have said it sounds like you have enough to deal with already with your husbands health issues. And its time for you to let go and let your son deal and take care of his responsibilities.  Maybe it will will help him gorw up some. I feel sorry for you that he just jerks the kids around and dosen't allow them to enjoy the time they do have with their grandparents.   Maybe in the future you and your husband could make plans with his ex to be able to see the kids without him having to be involved?

Wish you luck and vent away anytime. 

MamaSnaps
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 2:01 PM

How old is he?  He sounds as irresponsible as my 21 year old and I gave him a dose of tough love a couple of years ago. 
You need to force him to stand up and be resposible. He's done this because he can and you bail him out or take care of it for him. He always will if he can.

He may get ticked off and have a tantrum now, but somewhere down the line he'll come back and realize how much you have done for him.  

EireLass
by Gold Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 4:00 PM

No, you're not petty with all you've said here. I think you're doing the right thing.

getting2old
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 5:28 PM

most things that bother us started out as something small and to me when an attitude is thrown in the mix instead of appreciation, it changes the game for me. I deal with that from my son also, he has borderline personality. Why do they not think that someone might be worried about them when they arent home into the late morning hours? I have never understood that, communication is easier than it has ever been! You may have to change your end of the deal to get him to see what you have done for him and what the future help may look like. Best wishes to you on peace in your situation

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