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Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

New to this so I will try to be concise. My son came in for Easter with grandchildren, girls 6,5 and 3 ( she was sick.) Gramps and I were so excited to see them as my son is divorced and lives over 500 miles away. He arrives with an attitude, which has become more normal in his last few visits. He and my husband, sd, have had words before and he has just packed up and left, and then it blows over. We have been married for over 30 years but this is just a recent drama. My son moved in with us for a few months, uninvited, just assumed it was OK, a couple of times in the past 2years and this was the catalyst for all the drama, I think. 

Visits are stressful as he just assumes that he is here on vacation, no responsibility, sleep in, drink beer and watch sports. My husband has health issues, heart problems, pacemaker, stents, bleeding ulcer and kidney failure, so lots of medical stress at the moment. 

Saturday night, my daughter and family were coming and they decided to get a room at a hotel, so all the kids, they have 3 , and another daughter's family, they have 1, could swim. So 7 of our grandchildren were here. I decided that my husband was getting tired and we should leave and we had the car seats in our van, so we started packing up. Our 16 year old granddaughter had asked to also spend the night. All of a sudden I heard my son say well, he did not have to go, just assuming that it was OK for the kids to go home with us. As we were leaving, the last thing he said was that he would be right behind us. I love my grandchildren but after 4 days, I was exhausted.

But to get to the problem, my husband got up about 2:00 AM and my son was not home. Of course, then I could not sleep and got up. At 2:30, I sent a text, "where are you?" No answer. I thought that he probably had stayed at the hotel, but still had visions that he might have had an accident. My first husband, his dad, was killed in a car accident so I always fear the worst. 

He arrived Easter AM about 8:30 saying "what was that all about," he thought that he was being responsible, by not driving after drinking. I agreed, if he had let me know I would have not stayed up all night worrying. He packed up the kids, he was planning on leaving that morning, but was not even going to have the kids say goodbye , obviously he did not. We had celebrated Christmas, birthdays and Easter. He left presents, lots of their clothing and just left.

i have always bailed him out. He owes us a lot of $$$ plus plus. For the last 3 years, I have had him on my cell phone plan, which of course, he was supposed to pay. Never has and has an attitude when I have told him to watch his data plan etc. I know this is such a minor thing but I am to the point that, as he is fond of telling his children, actions have consequences. I need to be done with his drama and I want to tell him that he has 2 days to either put the phone in his name or get another plan. I know that this will probably sever relations between us, but could they get much worse? Am I just being petty????

by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:57 AM
Replies (21-25):
terri-553
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:32 AM

hugsHe needs to grow-up-man up.After your job is done,he has his kids,he needs to show them the right way,In,time all of his pettiness will blow over,Trust  me it always does,

momma-t42
by Gold Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:51 PM
1 mom liked this

I believe at 46 (I am 43), the best position for you is to just withdraw ALL forms of aid to him.  He IS a grown man, and while all your intentions may be good ones, you deserve to be free of the raising of your children (who have long since been grown), and enjoy your time with your husband.

It may cause serious friction, he may use the kids as pawns, but you have to trust that your grandkids will see through the way their dad is and know you do care by not enabling him to act out as he does.

I am guessing he is single?  No offense, but I can see why as I would not respect a man who can't, at 46, make a life for his own children without the aid of his parents.  That alone should give reason to not take him back in.  I mean what woman would be interested in a man at that age living with his parents?  If any woman, I doubt would be one you would approve of as a step parent to your grandkids.

It would be different if he had been injured or some noble reason.  But I did not hear you share of such reasons.

Free yourself of this burden and enjoy your man :)

Best wishes and keep us posted.

Oh, and welcome to the group!  :)

Betts43
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 8:41 AM

Well, I did it. Decided that I would not have any drama on my part. I nicely sent him a text asking him to please put his cell phone in his name. He complied almost immediately but, of course, now there is no communication with him. He is not answering so guess that I will just wait him out. So hard but because of your posts, I am stronger. Thanks 

Maddie24
by Gold Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:09 AM

 It may take some time for him to come around.  My youngest took years before she would answer my call.   She put my ring on her phone as Foreigner "Cold as Ice".  UGH!  eventually she grew up.  It is so important that our kids learned to be responsible and respectful - even if it requires space away from those that love them the most.  You are doing the right thing.

nana9106
by Darlene on Apr. 7, 2013 at 10:38 AM
Exactly this

Quoting louannwilkins:

No, you are not being petty.  Actually I don't know why a grown man with kids of his own needs anyone to pay his cell bill.  He seems like he doesn't have any repsect for you or your dh.  He needs to grow up and stop being rude which is what he was in my opinion.  And then taking the kids and just leaving.   It's past time to grow up.  You have a lot on you already it seems like.  I'd tell him the free ride is over.  Maybe he will grow up soon.  Hugs to you!!  Vent away all you need to and keep us posted on what happens.   :)

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