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Adult child moves home...+1!

Posted by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 11:19 PM
  • 16 Replies

OK, my DD (will be 20 in June) has separated from her husband (illegal 40 yr old :( ) It was a relationship DH and I adamantly opposed and verbally said so but all we heard in return...I'm 18 blah blah blah. Their relationship steadily spiraled downhill with several altercations, sometimes DD being the aggressor. They feably attempted to work on their relationship, but ended on 4/11 while DH, myself, DD2 and DS2 were out of town on a campus visit. DD stayed at our home until we returned the next evening. Son-n-law picked up baby Sunday evening until Tuesday morning and brought him to our house before he went to work..he WAS supposed to pick him up again Sunday, but there is now a no contact protective order b/c Monday evening, he took property from the home and stashed it at an undisclosed location. DD wants HER things back only, but I advised her to file for custody before he did and while doing that (she went by herself) they asked questions which led to domestic violence counselor etc and the OofP.

Son-in-law loves baby, he tears up whenever he has to leave him or when talking to DH and I about the situation. DD spoke with a lawyer who advised her to call INS and report him...DD is SERIOUSLY thinking about it. While I can't be 100% sure SNL won't run with the baby it doesn't make sense for him to. He's been here 9 yrs already and the laws are changing to where he soon can be legal even with out being married to DD.

Should she call? I think it would devastate him and ruin his life....I'm not comfortable with it at all. Not being able to see his son for 15 days until the order is permanent will tear him up. Should I let him see the baby but only at our home and tell him  swap the keys for the baby until custody is in order? He also  knows I have a CWP and carry even at home.

Any advise?


We went to court this morning....DD got a protective order for herself but not the baby. She already filed for custody...requesting an expedited hearing.  Sil not allowed at our house...not sure how to deal with visitation. If sil gets baby.....he doesn't have to return baby since it's his baby too. We originally agreed he could get him Sunday evening and return him Tuesday morning...(because he works Tuesday through Sunday 10Am to about 10-11PM)..which he did this week BEFORE we found out he took things from the home he doesn't want DD to have and before she filed. I am so worried he may take the baby too.

by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 11:19 PM
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by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 12:06 AM

Welcome to the group,
Tough call for sure about your DD calling & reporting him,
I do like your idea of allowing him to see his son if you or your DH is around at your place
And yes I would also tell him he needs to return keys & anything else he took if he wants to see his son.
Am sure others will have more suggestions.
Good luck & let us know how it goes :)

by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 8:35 AM
That is a tough call. I would stay out if it. Your DD has to make her own decision about that one.
Personally, I would not call the INS fir fear he would bolt with the baby.
Good luck
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by Susie on Apr. 18, 2013 at 8:37 AM
This whole story is a train wreck. I would report him.
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by Bronze Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 9:11 AM

I don't know much about no contact orders, is the baby included in that order or is it just the DD? If baby is not included, I would think that a nuetral party (you) would be able to take the baby to him.

I would be worried that he might take baby and run - especially if she decides to call INS. I don't know where you live, but the little that I know about the new immigration laws is that even if he is married to an American citizen he would have to return to his home country for anywhere from 6 months to 2 years and then he can return and file for green card. I have a couple freinds that are going through this now - in one case the husband had been here for 20 years and they have been married for 10, but he still had to return to Mexico for 1 yr and then apply. The other had been here as a child, but still had to return for only 9 months. They say it depends on the lawyer and the judge as to how much time they have to return to home country.

by Silver Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 9:44 AM

I won;t call anyone unless he says he is leaving anywhere w/the baby,Otherwise maybe he should see baby when you/hubby are there.Other than that d-is on her own,Only get in if is about g/baby

by Group Admin on Apr. 18, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Supervised visitation can be requested. Whether or not you want to be a part of it is up to them, you and the court. I would advise against you being in charge of it although you could be there during visitation.

No excuse for domestic violence from either side. If it happened it should be reported - from either side. Willingness to participate in counseling can help. It does not mean he cannot see his child. The sooner they can settle that the sooner life can go on for the little one.

I had a protection order on my first husband. He had to keep a distance from me. No violence was directed to our children so they were not involved in the order. I had full custody but when he had them for visitation I always feared that he would take off with them. This was something he threatened me with so that I would not leave him. Sometimes you just have to take your chances. I did not want my two sons to grow up to be abusers themselves.

by Barb on Apr. 18, 2013 at 11:34 AM

Don't use the baby or seeing the baby as leverage to get anything. This just isn't right.

by Mary Ann on Apr. 18, 2013 at 12:46 PM

Not having ever been in this situation, I am not for sure just exactly what I would do.  Does the no contact order include the baby?  I certainly don't think it's fair that he can't see him, so would probably let him see him when your dd was not at home and if as you suggested he was willing to hand over his keys for the duration of the visit.  Should she call INS - I think I would leave that one up to her, but I probably would point out to her how this would affect her son - not being able to see his dad.  If your sil is devoted to his son, then the baby in turn probably is fond of him.   I might also point out that if he is deported, she will not be able to collect child support and will then be fully responsible for raising this child on her own.  So many things to consider.  I do hope it all works out for the best for all of you.  And, oh by way, welcome to this group.

by Gold Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 1:13 PM

No contact order means there was physical aggression on one or both sides. If he has hit her I might report him.

I would be worried he'll take the baby and take off. Therefore I might report him. I'm not sure. It would depend.

I'd want my daughter to sign a contract that she will be getting counseling, get a job and help out around the home with specifics spelled out.

I don't really understand how people who knowingly marry or employ illegals can keep out of trouble though?

by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 2:24 PM

I would not call INS that would be evil and cruel. Your daughter made her bed and this is the way the cookie crumbles. Their is no need to have another fatherless child in the world. We all know that for a child to be emotionally stable they need stablity and the love of both parent's.

Let them learn to work their troubles out so that they can raise their child.

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