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18 yo dd's baby-daddy is driving me INSANE

Posted by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 6:37 PM
  • 19 Replies

I have an 18 year old dd who has an 8 week old baby. She lives with me and is still in high school. Baby-daddy (17) doesn't live with us. I refuse to let him move in. He drives me insane. Below I will try to  make a list:

He is disrespectful, rude, unmotivated. Doesn't have a job, doesn't go to school, never finished school. Drives without a license with my daughter and granson in the car. Is always as my house, eats my food, uses my power. Plays my xbox, watches my tv. Swears, gropes my daughter in front of me, sleeps on my couch, spends the night whenever he pleases (After I go to bed, he'll come over and spend the night saying he wanted to help with the baby)

My daughter is on public assistance. He thinks he is entitled to use the money for what he wants since he will end up having to pay it back anyway. He always talks her into buying him food, gas, taking him out to meals but when it comes to taking her to appointments and stuff, he says "I can't drive, I have no license." I charge her rent to avoid too much money going to him. I raised it too. And she pays it.

My dd has been unmotivated since she got together with this clown and now they have a BABY together! A week after the baby was born, he was out with other girls and they broke up. I breathed a sigh of relief BUT it didn't last long. The othe girls decided he wasn't good enough for them since he wasn't taking care of his baby. And they got back together! I told my dd she is in for trouble, but of course she isn't having it. She wants to "keep her family together." She doesn't go to school most days saying she's "too tired" from being up with the baby but she has enough energy to hang out with him and go places...

How do I deal with this without keeping him from his son? I have been accused of it because I told him if he doens't show respect, he isn't welcome in my house. I'm afraid I'd lose my dd and my gs if I REALLY put my foot down. It would kill me if that happened...

by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 6:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
EireLass
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 6:47 PM
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You can explain to him the rules of your home. He can like it or not...doesn't much matter....he only has to abide by it. He should be paying child support, and unfortunately for his parents, they are on the hook for it as he's under 18. When she applied for aide, she would have had to give his info as father. They would go after him. If that hasn't been addressed, you can go inline and get the forms to fill out and mail in. If shes giving money to him, shes breaking the law, you could inform both of them about that. Where is the baby while shes at school? I would be informing the police that hes driving without a license. Where are his parents in all this?
WARedNeck_WoMan
by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 7:09 PM

 


Quoting EireLass:

You can explain to him the rules of your home. He can like it or not...doesn't much matter....he only has to abide by it. He should be paying child support, and unfortunately for his parents, they are on the hook for it as he's under 18. When she applied for aide, she would have had to give his info as father. They would go after him. If that hasn't been addressed, you can go inline and get the forms to fill out and mail in. If shes giving money to him, shes breaking the law, you could inform both of them about that. Where is the baby while shes at school? I would be informing the police that hes driving without a license. Where are his parents in all this?

She takes the baby to school with her (when she goes). She gave welfare his information when she applied. Informing the police is a good idea. I have told her that it's welfare fraud if she uses the money for anything that isn't for the care of the child. And I'm going to raise her rent yet again so there'll be LESS money to waste on dip f*ck (sorry I'm angry)

 

Cindy18
by Platinum Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 8:02 PM
7 moms liked this

She is 18. If she wants to "keep her family" together then she needs to move out and be a real adult. 

I would make it clear that she doesn't have to move but if she wants him staying with her then that's the ways it needs to be because she is being extremely disrespectful to you by letting him stay there on your couch. AND I wouldn't believe for ONE second that he is really staying on the couch the whole night. 

Also, believe me, momma, you won't lose your DD because if she had to deal with him in a real life setting, she will get tired of him and come home.

And if she stays, she goes to school or gets a job, PERIOD. No sympathy for being too tired, in my mind. That's what being a parent is all about.

Maddie24
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 9:18 PM
3 moms liked this

Oh dear.  I really get it.  My DD had a child at19.  I had to live through some tough love.  I turned off the money supply when she got pregnant.  She was in college out of town.  I told her I love her, but she bought the farm, go live on it.  The pregnancy was spent sleeping on an air mattress in her clown's apt.  He despised me, I was in his face (He was closer to my age than hers) and told him at every opportunity he behaved like a crook.  Oh excuse me, he was a crook.  Anyway, she came home with me after the baby was born.  Within six weeks I set her up in an apartment and let her fly.  It killed me, but I had to set the best example I could for my DD and I could not have him anywhere near me.  He followed her to town and she was smart enough not to let him move in, which in turn made him mad.  She had a horrible time, no money, living in horrible conditions, working hard, and this louse trying to suck the life out her.  It about killed me watching her go through this and knowing my DD and DGD were in harms way.  I had to remind myself constantly that I had no control to make decisions for them- all I could do was pray and be on stand-by until she changed her heart.  Well it eventually happened...the phonecall that he had hit her with the baby in her arms.  That was it - time for the police and court action.  They gave her a 7 year restraining order and gave him supervised visitation until he threatened to kill her at the DHR visitation facility.  They told hm not to come back.  We know he is around, but we have not heard from him since my DGD was 18 months old...she is now 9.  They moved back in with me until a year ago.  During that time, my DD learned a lot.  She graduated from college, has a great job, and is a better mother than I ever thought about being - she did this herself.  My DGD is established in a great school, does a lot of activities, involved in the church, lives a few blocks from me and has a tight family support with Grandparents, aunts, and a great aunt that all see her weekly.  There is good news - it can work out, but the bad news is it can be a long road and you have to be prepared to let her learn her life lessons with your grandchild in the midst of it all.  Best wishes to you, your daughter and your precious little grandson!  

KittyGram
by Becky on Nov. 6, 2013 at 10:16 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes, just like the other mommas have already suggested, tough love is the answer, the only answer. It is so hard to do, but believe me, speaking from my own personal experiences, she will grow up and you will both reap many benefits from your tough love. My daughter was a little older, 20, when her first baby was born. She and baby lived with me till baby was 15 months old, and I just couldn't stand it anymore. She was disrespectful, wouldn't do anything around the house at all, not even picking up after herself and baby. She was fired from 5 jobs in one year. She wouldn't abide by my (few) house rules. She had to go. She moved in with her new boyfriend, of 10 days. Killed me inside to see her do it, but she obviously didn't want my "help", or what I thought at the time was help (which was enabling). There was absolutely nothing more that I could do. One morning I woke up, and she'd pulled some of her shit once again, and then a thought crossed my mind ---- that she didn't want my "help" ---- and then the next thought --- that I was truly enabling her ---- and a peace came over me, I knew the only thing I could do was to tell her she had to go. I'd been contemplating it for a year, but just couldn't do it, because of the baby. But as I said, I wasn't of any help to her. Best. Thing. I've. Ever. Done. For. Her. Hands down the best thing I've ever done for her. We travelled a very rocky road for a while after that, and she got pregnant again within a couple months, and a year later lost custody of the girls for 2 1/2 years (I became their foster mom). But now here we are, almost 9 years after I kicked her out, more than 7 years since she lost custody. She's had them back for more than 5 years, she has a little boy now as well (look for my "Oliver" stories here!!!!); she married Oliver's father last year. She's 30 now, a wonderful woman and an incredible mom, and hey, she practices tough love with her own kids! How about that!!! They are now (almost) 10, (almost) 8, and 5. And she is a totally different person than she was back then. All because of tough love!!!!!
DesignGirl450
by Lynda on Nov. 6, 2013 at 10:18 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't understand why you are letting the loser boyfriend spend all this time at your house, where he mooches off you, and has no job nor goes to school.  Tell him that if he wants to see his baby, your daughter can have him meet her after school or at lunch.  Or out somewhere that isn't in your home.  

Ambear72
by Amber on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:55 PM

 This

Quoting EireLass:

You can explain to him the rules of your home. He can like it or not...doesn't much matter....he only has to abide by it. He should be paying child support, and unfortunately for his parents, they are on the hook for it as he's under 18. When she applied for aide, she would have had to give his info as father. They would go after him. If that hasn't been addressed, you can go inline and get the forms to fill out and mail in. If shes giving money to him, shes breaking the law, you could inform both of them about that. Where is the baby while shes at school? I would be informing the police that hes driving without a license. Where are his parents in all this?

 

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by on Nov. 7, 2013 at 12:12 AM

I agree with all this op said,
Hugs to you :)

Quoting Cindy18:

She is 18. If she wants to "keep her family" together then she needs to move out and be a real adult. 

I would make it clear that she doesn't have to move but if she wants him staying with her then that's the ways it needs to be because she is being extremely disrespectful to you by letting him stay there on your couch. AND I wouldn't believe for ONE second that he is really staying on the couch the whole night. 

Also, believe me, momma, you won't lose your DD because if she had to deal with him in a real life setting, she will get tired of him and come home.

And if she stays, she goes to school or gets a job, PERIOD. No sympathy for being too tired, in my mind. That's what being a parent is all about.


atlmom2
by Susie on Nov. 7, 2013 at 8:29 AM
Omg, what did your dd see in him. You lay down rules. Your home, your rules. She is 18 and can move out.
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suesues
by Bronze Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 3:15 PM

they only do what you let them do set new rules and keep them Where would your dau go dont worry sounds like she has it to easy  she would be follish to leave Tell him a daddy just doesnt get to see child it has to SUPPORT its baby! Thats what a daddy is he need to grow up send him home to his parents 

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