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Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

hello I need your help

Posted by on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:03 AM
  • 43 Replies
my name is Leeanne I have 4 children a 25 year old boy, a 23 year old daughter, a 20 year old son and a 15 year son. our 25 year old is a disabled youth and will always live with us. our 23 year old graduated high school 5 years ago and has still not decided to get an education or even to get a job. our 20 year still lives at home but has accepted an apprenticeship with a local gas fitting, heating a cooling company, he pays us room and board. recently purchased a used vehicle. He has set out to either rent an apartment or buy his first home by next summer. our 15 year old is the first out of the four to have a part time job while in high school all while maintaining honour role grades. his goal is to become a machinist and work out west in the Oil sands of Alberta. he saved enough money over the summer to purchase a cellphone and maintain his own bill until the end of next June when the company he worked for will hire again. I've read many web articles and I can't seem to find any that deals with my situation. My husband works 50 hours a week, plus overtime to try and provide food, hydro, insurances. the 23 year old keeps saying she can't work it's too hard, she sees herself 5 years from now, waking up in her childhood bedroom doing nothing, paying for nothing. We had an argument over the weekend. I called her lazy and self centered and told her if she didn't have a job soon she was going to have to leave. problem: my husband thinks I'm being too harsh that we need to find another way of handling her. what do I do?
by on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:03 AM
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Replies (1-10):
louannwilkins
by Louann on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:19 AM
3 moms liked this

Wow...well first off I'm sorry.  Next I just have to say that I find it ridiculous that grown people think they have a right to just live somewhere and pay nothing.  It seems to be everywhere too...not just your kids.  I go to work each day and there are plenty of times that I don't feel like it or think it's too hard but you know what...I do it anyway because I have bills and responsibilities.  I feel bad for you.  I'd put my foot down and demand that things change or they move out.  Your 25 year old can't help it but the 23 and 20 year old need to get a grip.  lol  Your dh is working all these hours to take care of lazy young people.  They need to take care of themselves.  Hugs to you!!!  My son tried the same thing.  Didn't work with me though. I don't think he's any better than me to get out and work.  Keep us posted on how it goes.  Good luck!!!!    :)

louannwilkins
by Louann on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:20 AM
2 moms liked this

Oh and I would tell my dh that they need to grow up and he needs to stop enabling them.  :)

tcfla
by Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:40 AM

Our rule was simple.  College and i will continue to pay for your stuff ( phone, car, insurance, food etc)  Both my kids work part time while going to college full time. They pay their own rent (the are away from home for college) Once the graduate and get full time jobs, the money train cuts off.  Now if they didn't go to college, they had to move out and I wasn't paying for anything. simple. Gotta get tough

mac1940
by Mary Ann on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:48 AM

I am sorry that this is happening, but you have enabled this behavior from her for far too long.  Now it's time to use ssome tough love.  You need to set down the rules for continuing to live in your home,, rules that include being actively searching for a job, she needs to be doing household chores and whatever other rules you think need to be.  If she cannot find a job, then she should be doing some volunteer work at a local hospital or school.  Put a date that  these things need to be accomplished by  or the alternative is to move out.  And then be willing to follow through.  Tough love is just that, tough, and harder on you than her, but it works.  Hugs to you and good luck.

psempei
by on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:49 AM
I believe in getting tough, I've had those words out with my daughter, how do I get my husband on board, he keeps saying there's got to be a way to get them to realize what we are sacrificing without hurting them. I keep telling him we are hurting them more by allowing there behaviour because we have not given them a chance to grow up!
psempei
by on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:53 AM
2 moms liked this
thank you all for reiterating all what I have believed we should be doing bigs hugs to everyone for helping. now I need to convince there dad this is the right decision. That's going to be harder that telling my daughter.lol
mac1940
by Mary Ann on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:58 AM

I guess your real problem lies in making your dh understand that he is doing her no favors letting this behavior continue.   But alas and alack, I can offer no good advice as to how to do this.   Perhaps you could enlist some outside help in convincing him, a family friend or family member or maybe your minister  a therapist, a family therapist for all three of you might be beneficial.

psempei
by on Nov. 19, 2013 at 12:11 PM

In everyone's opinion, what would be a reasonable time frame?  one month, 2 months,  shes had 5 years.  I told her on Sunday by the end of the week.  Am I being un realistic.

suzeebloch
by Ronna on Nov. 19, 2013 at 12:14 PM

I wonder if there's a Dads with Adult Kids group somewhere?  lol.  I'm sorry your 2 middle kids are behaving the way they are.  And kudos to the 15 year old!  That is simply awesome.  too bad the middle 2 "can't see the forest for the trees."  And of course your oldest doesn't have a choice.


You said:  "my husband thinks I'm being too harsh that we need to find another way of handling her. "   You've already tried telling him that allowing them to continue this way is actually hurting them more than helping them - and you are absolutely 100% correct.  However, it doesn't sound like he is willing to accept this.  (men.  what are they good for? lol).  Tell him he needs to figure out what that "another way of handling her" would be ...

Honestly, tough love does work ... so long as the tough love-er can handle it - it's really tough!  the tough love-ee will whine and moan to no end but in the end, it's actually the way to teach young adults how to deal with life - AS A YOUNG ADULT ... not as child!  lol.  I'm sorry.  I am sure you are not laughing right now.  Hang in there.  And welcome to our group!!!

PS I had never heard of the Oil Sands of Alberta before and googled it.  As a child, my family took our summer vacations camping in the foothills of the  Rockies a little NW of Calgary.  I have very fond memories from those years and would love to check out the are where the oil sands are!  Sounds fascinating!


campingmomof4
by Bronze Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 12:22 PM

 This was our rule also.  I have 4 kids boys 31 and 25, girls 22 and 21.  

Quoting tcfla:

Our rule was simple.  College and i will continue to pay for your stuff ( phone, car, insurance, food etc)  Both my kids work part time while going to college full time. They pay their own rent (the are away from home for college) Once the graduate and get full time jobs, the money train cuts off.  Now if they didn't go to college, they had to move out and I wasn't paying for anything. simple. Gotta get tough

 

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