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A sweet and bitter announcement

Posted by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 3:39 PM
  • 38 Replies

My oldest daughter is pregnant with our second grandchild!  I am happy that my grand daughter will have a little brother or sister.  Since her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, they take a few extra precautions and the day after Christmas, my daughter called sobbing to me on the phone.......she has Chlamydia.  

"OH, NO!!" was my initial reaction as I had suspected my son-in-law was still cheating on my daughter.  Suspicion or not, I did not have proof.   She was at work when she got the call from the Dr. office and by the time she arrived at our house, had dried the tears as her co-workers assured her it was probably from the time she found out he had cheated just over a year ago.  "NO, it's not!"  I told her.  He was caught because she noticed a brand new box of condoms were opened and one was missing.  You don't get chlamydia wearing a condom.  

She told him to leave for a few days so she could think things through.  He kept telling her he has been faithful ever since, but admitted to lying when he told her he had gotten an STD test after that and  claimed it was negative.  Of course that was right after he came to us broken and sorrowful as he apologized to me and my husband.  We sent them to a marriage seminar specific for circumstances as this.  And he was in the most humble of states at that time.  As I explained to my daughter, if he can lie when he's in the most humbled state, he can lie about anything.

It's been two weeks, and while they had not come to any decisions as of yet, she found out he was out on a date two nights ago.  

Now, begins the mourning process of her feeling rejected, heartbroken at how he could just "move on."  In which I can't help but tell her, "he had moved on a long time ago."

I am holding strong as I encourage her of the people who are surrounding her with love an support, but my heart is aching for her.

He has lied to her their whole marriage.

Any words of wisdom?  We've never delt with anything like this.  But I do know, I would stand in the gap before I would let her take him back that is for sure.

She does not want her kids to have his name, and she wants her maiden name back.  I have personally asked her to wait a bit because she is pregnant and she is very hormonal.  I do not want her to make a decision she will later regret without thinking everything through.  But I do NOT want her taking him back...just to reiterate.

If she's married, does she have to give the baby his name?  Or does she have to get on with this divorce to make that probable?  

I know when I had her, I wasn't married.  And while I put the birth father's name on the birth certificate, I did not have to give Amanda her father's last name.  I'm sure states are all different.  This is a "no fault-divorce state."

Anyone have words you can share, pointers you can give?

Also, while I can't chat tonight, I need some other advice from those who are familiar with serious legal aspects for something else more personal that I do not want to share on here.  If you're available tomorrow to private message, I'd sure appreciate the help.  Thanks ladies..

by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 3:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
louannwilkins
by Louann on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:03 PM

Wow....that poor girl and poor Tracy too!!  I'm so sorry!!!  Hugs to both of you.  I sure hope she will stay strong and stay on her own at this point.  I'm sorry I don't know about the name since they're married.  I think I would call an attorney and just ask a question or two.  I can't believe this!!!  I'm not any help at all but I will tell you that I care and I'm here.  Vent away all you need or want to. 

Hope someone can help you with the other issue as well.  Good luck and big hugs  :)

louannwilkins
by Louann on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:04 PM
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Oh....and even though it IS bittersweet congrats on the baby!  :)

Rileyscute
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:11 PM

In just about every state if married the child will have the fathers name.

She could try to change the name..BUT he would have to agree to that.


I am so sorry she is going through this, but yay on another grandbaby..I hope things get better for her

DesignGirl450
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:12 PM

So very sorry Tracy, and your poor daughter.  I have no advice to offer, just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you all.  She is lucky to have such a strong, supportive mother as you, and she is young and will get through all this.  I hope you can get the answers you need about the last name.  There may even be a free legal advice website for your state.  Best of luck with everything. 

kuntrylady56
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:56 PM
1 mom liked this

First thing she needs to do is speak with a lawyer, the first initail consultation usually does not cost anything. As far a the babies,I believe she could give the child her maiden name and still list him as the father on the birth certificate.  I was told you pretty much can give your child whatever name you want...but the if the parents are known then their legal names have to be on the certificate.  We went through a little of this when Kali was born and then with our grandson also. My daughter wasn't sure if they were to have the fathers last name or not since she wasn't married.  But she went ahead and gave them their fathers names.

And if she is going to go after him for child support(if I was her,I deffinitly would) she would have his name on the certificate which for most states is him agreeing the child is his and therefore he is legally bound to support that child. Unless he wants to be an asshole and say the child isn't his just to cause more trouble, then they would do a DNA test.  

I'm here if you would like to chat.  So sorry for your daughter being in this situation.  I dealt with a cheating husband so kind know how shes feeling right now. Speaking from my experince she has given him enough chances and now its her turn to be happy.  

mac1940
by Mary Ann on Jan. 8, 2014 at 5:22 PM

I wish I could be of more help than to offer hugs for both you and your daughter.  While I have no knowlege of laws in your state,  since he is legally the father and since I assume she will be looking to collect child support for her children, that may make a difference in whether or not he should be named on the birth certicate and  thuse bear his last name.  This is something she should check on with a family law attorney.

DixieL
by Dixie on Jan. 8, 2014 at 5:31 PM

I wish I knew what to say. I'm very sorry for what your daughter is going through. I hope everything turns out in the long run, the way she wants it too. My thoughts are with her. Good Luck.

Esmrlda
by Esme on Jan. 8, 2014 at 7:22 PM

Not sure about the last name.  Im sorry your family is going through this again, and I feel so bad for your dd finding this out under these circumstances.  The chlamydia wont hurt the baby will it?

hugs


Esmrlda
by Esme on Jan. 8, 2014 at 7:22 PM

Oh and Congrats!!

Maddie24
by Gold Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 7:53 PM

 Tracy - I know your hearts ache and I am so sorry.  The father's last name is a sore spot in my family because of my DGD.  I have advised my girls to never ever change their maiden last names and children should have their maiden name.  Wished I had done that.  Once that name is given - it is very hard and expensive to change without everyone's consent.  Not sure about the child support issue.  Seeing an attorney is essentially the best thing she can do to see what her options are in your state.  I hope things start getting better.

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