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I need Coping Skills

Posted by on Apr. 24, 2014 at 7:34 PM
  • 14 Replies
I am enjoying my son not being here. I live the quietness and the Serenity I feel. With him home he brings a lot if Negativity and sadness. My little ones still try tondo the things he did, back talk smartass kind of stuff. We are working on it. (Nit that being a smartass is a bad thing, they just don't know the right times to be one). It's calm.

With that being said I miss him! How do I deal with him being gone? I have never experienced this before. I didn't leave my parents house like a normal person did. They left this world to soon. So I don't know how to deal with it all. I find that I still want to call him, and have him check in. I want to give him advice, and I don't want to take pics if the kids cuz he isn't here. I don't have him check in, and I don't call and Mother him. I'm still working on the Picture thing. I talked to him yesterday and he said he isn't upset with us anymore, and that he feels like this is something he needed to do. I can't just go visit him he is 4 hours away.

How did you all cope when your children moved out? I don't deal well with change (on the inside, on the outside I look like in ok.)
by on Apr. 24, 2014 at 7:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
rosebud727
by Rose on Apr. 24, 2014 at 8:29 PM
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Well, for us we focused on the idea of preparing our daughter's to become citizens of the world and learning to be less dependant on us for decisions society deemed that they are able to make.

When our oldest daughter left to go to college, I knew that after her sophomore year she would likely never return to live at home anymore and I was right.

I know your situation isn't like ours, and there have been some obstacles with your son learning to make good choices and mature ones at that.

I guess we never let our girls expect anything less. Sure I miss them and love when they are home to visit. But I want them to feel that the world is their oyster and just plum for the taking...and they do.

MichelleMc
by on Apr. 24, 2014 at 10:14 PM
1 mom liked this

With my son, we knew he was going to leave, go off to the Army, and never does plan to live in this state ever again. ( so far is the plan ). So we knew when he left also, it would be far & few between in seeing him, he wouldn't be close, and there could have been a chance he would have had his dream assignment of going overseas. With us, it was kind of cut off BOOM. We got a few second phone call when he got there, then when they were in reception, there was a phone call & maybe a couple texts if the drill sgts weren't around because they hadn't classed up yet, but this wasn't like often and was only one downtime day. Once they classed up, it was a 30 second call then 3 weeks before the next call. 1.5 weeks before letters, and he wasn't getting mine until I got the letter with his address, then the turn around of me getting them to him & routed. He was in Basic Training for 4 months, though I saw him at 11.5 weeks for family day weekend, then again 5 weeks later for graduation. We got to see him then for a little over a week, then it was 5 months til I flew down to see him again. But at least then, it was phone calls, skype & texts when not working. Now, from this trip, we don't know when we will get to see him again. 

It was easier for us because we always knew this was coming, but it doesn't make it "easy". It is a good thing that he is "flying" on his wings. Don't think of it as he is "missing" from the pictures exactly, but that he is grown, and doing his own thing, so it is okay to do with the youngers now. Same as you would have pictures without the youngers when they were around yet. Focus on doing things with them, without him, and that is okay too.

Hubby & I spend time together. We don't have other kids. Work on a hobby. Maybe scrapbook the pictures over the years of him or at least maybe organize them, as scrapbooking, especially getting started, does get expensive.  

nana776
by Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 11:44 PM
1 mom liked this

I just kept telling myself that this is for his own good. I had to make it my mantra. I know what you mean about the picture thing, it feels like a betrayal or something. I just had to force myself to try and make life as normal as possible for the younger ones. It gets better eventually. Hang in there Mamma. (((HUGS)))

suzeebloch
by Ronna on Apr. 25, 2014 at 5:24 AM
1 mom liked this

Like Rose, mine was BOOM as well!  My kids are 10 years apart and Jessica didn't leave the nest for good until 2006, when she was 26 and Johnny was 16. That summer, I let my house go into foreclosure and Johnny and I moved to a 2-bedroom apartment.  So for the next 2 years it was just the 2 of us.  But then in June 2008, mere days after graduating from high school, he moved away to California for college but I kept busy the next couple of months because I downsized and in late June moved in with my friend, Margo, but then in August moved to where I am currently, in my 1-bedroom apartment.  It was when I was finally settled down here that the empty nest syndrome hit me hardest!   However, I had been divorced since 1996 so now I was completely solo - the first time in my entire life that I was truly by myself so it actually was kind of an exciting time at the same time. 

Johnny has been able to come home each year at Christmas and he stays with me, and Jess lives close enough to where we can get together when we want or need to. 

I keep in touch with Johnny primarily online - email and/or FB, texting and chat with a phone call every now and then when absolutely necessary.  Jess and I call or text - she's not much of an email person.

Just remember, just as much as this is new to you, it's new to your son as well!  Hang in there! 

Ambear72
by Amber on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:27 AM
Thank you. He has been gone before, but I knew he was coming home. This time he isn't. I'm trying though. :). Thanks for understanding whatvIm going through.

Quoting nana776:

I just kept telling myself that this is for his own good. I had to make it my mantra. I know what you mean about the picture thing, it feels like a betrayal or something. I just had to force myself to try and make life as normal as possible for the younger ones. It gets better eventually. Hang in there Mamma. (((HUGS)))

Ambear72
by Amber on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:31 AM
Thanks,

Quoting suzeebloch:

Like Rose, mine was BOOM as well!  My kids are 10 years apart and Jessica didn't leave the nest for good until 2006, when she was 26 and Johnny was 16. That summer, I let my house go into foreclosure and Johnny and I moved to a 2-bedroom apartment.  So for the next 2 years it was just the 2 of us.  But then in June 2008, mere days after graduating from high school, he moved away to California for college but I kept busy the next couple of months because I downsized and in late June moved in with my friend, Margo, but then in August moved to where I am currently, in my 1-bedroom apartment.  It was when I was finally settled down here that the empty nest syndrome hit me hardest!   However, I had been divorced since 1996 so now I was completely solo - the first time in my entire life that I was truly by myself so it actually was kind of an exciting time at the same time. 

Johnny has been able to come home each year at Christmas and he stays with me, and Jess lives close enough to where we can get together when we want or need to. 

I keep in touch with Johnny primarily online - email and/or FB, texting and chat with a phone call every now and then when absolutely necessary.  Jess and I call or text - she's not much of an email person.

Just remember, just as much as this is new to you, it's new to your son as well!  Hang in there! 

Shari55
by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 10:06 AM

When my oldest left, it was at age 16, when she went back to Germany to finish high school and live with a friends family. We always tell our daughters that they can come home cause we are a safe place. It was hard, but I had Nyssa who was three(almost four) at the time to keep me busy. 

Nyssa hasn't left home yet for good, she goes and visits Heather but not for longer than a month at a time.

Michaela is leaving the nest in June (she is my youngest), she is going out to Washington state to go to school. This I will admit will be hard for me, because she is my youngest. Yet knowing my mother is nearby makes it easier.

 Miss Shari

DesignGirl450
by Lynda on Apr. 25, 2014 at 12:09 PM

As many of you know,my only child, Cassidy moved to Italy and then England last May.   It has been really hard with her not being here, although we brought her home for a few weeks at Christmas which was wonderful.  It has also been kind of nice being an "empty nester" couple, which will change as she is coming  home with us after we meet her in Scotland at the end of the month.   It is all a part of our children moving on, as we did when we were young.  

KittyGram
by Becky on Apr. 25, 2014 at 12:27 PM

I had to kick my daughter out when she was 19, and then about 8 or 9 months later she came home pregnant.  Part of those 8 or 9 months, she lived about an hour and a half away from me.  She and Ramona lived with me till Ramona was 15 months old, and I had to kick her (them) out again.  This was soooo incredibly hard, not because of my daughter (had it been just her, I would have kicked her out months earlier, or more likely, not let her move back in in the first place), but because of Ramona.  She (they) moved in with her new boyfriend, and lived about 35 or 40 minutes away from me, maybe 20 minutes away from my job.

They now live about 25 minutes from me, about 15 min from work, and I see them frequently.  

Recently they started talking about moving to Florida (I'm in Illiniois).  They're moving in July.  I don't feel good at all about this move... but I'd be okay with it if it were just her and her husband going.  He got a "job offer" from his step father, who just went into business a few months ago.  He's supposedly been offered big bucks.  Which would all be fine and dandy 1)  If it wasn't a start-up company - I don't understand how the guy can realistically offer him what he's supposedly been offered (I think it's more of a "You could earn $....." situation rather than a firm offer, but that's not how my dd and sil are presenting it); 2)  If his job history didn't suck.  He and my daughter have been together for 7 years now, and he's had probably 10-13 jobs.  He's a job hopper.  The longest he's held any one is maybe 18 months;  3) If this new business was a little older.... the brother has already moved down there and is working for the step dad... why not wait till he's been there a year or so, then ask him if HE actually earned what he was offered at the beginning.  4)  If he were taking a job in a "field" that was HIS field - if he had any skills at all that is.  He's gone to school to become a certified mechanic.  Started working as a mechanic, and decided he doesn't like to get his hands dirty.  He has crazy computer skills, but no education to support it, and no drive to take any classes.  He's been working as a driver for a tow truck company, then Fed Ex (or rather a company contracted with Fed Ex), and pizza delivery - this "new" job will be to set up and then run a candy kiosk in a mall in the Tampa/Clearwater area.  

I'm sorry to ramble on.  My whole point is that my daughter hasn't lived with me in over 9 years, and this next move will be the hardest one on me.  I can't be supportive of their move, I don't think they're being wise at all about it.  I don't even want to talk to her or the kids about it, it just burns me up.  Let alone my grandkids will be almost 2000 miles away.

jabs54
by Jeanine on Apr. 25, 2014 at 3:14 PM

It didn't bother me until my last one moved out last August.  I'm still having a hard time believing she is gone...for good.  I'm really alone because she is our youngest, my dh works 2nd shift AND our dog died :(  I'm hoping to get another dog so I will have "someone" that loves me at home ;)  Just enjoy your other kids :)

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