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Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

My son email me

Posted by on May. 15, 2014 at 4:05 PM
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1 mom liked this
His letter is very sweet, to the point. He says he feels bad for not wanting to call me for mother's day. That he misses how our relationship was. That I've changed too much. He said that when we had money, house, food and travel I was one person and when we didn't have any of these I was another. My first thought about this was he doesn't understand the feeling of everything fell on my shoulders and I didn't have any job experience.

He said I don't respect him but isn't clear how. He kind of apologizes for his behavior but wants me to apologize first so he can do the same.

I started to answer but haven't finish. I'm not sure how to say what I want to say without sounding like I'm defending myself. I began my letter with I love him and miss him too. That I miss our chats and camaraderie.

Any advice? I'm very happy he is trying. The last few days I've been very sad thinking about him. And I was going to post here different things but hadn't had the chance bc of my school and being so tired. But I feel this is a big step he took. Showing he cares too and maturity for doing what I could probably wouldn't be able to.
by on May. 15, 2014 at 4:05 PM
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Replies (1-10):
KittyGram
by Becky on May. 15, 2014 at 4:14 PM
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Ugh, kids!!!!!!!!!!!!

When my daughter was a teen and a young adult, and we had to have some serious heart to hearts, I'd sit down first and write everything out.  Sometimes I'd scratch things out, sometimes I'd wrinkle up the paper and start over.  Sometimes I ended up with 5 or 6 pages.

Then I'd re-write it, putting what HAD to be discussed, no if's and's or but's about it.  Then the things that probably SHOULD be discussed, and then the more minor things.  

It was only then that I'd let her know we needed to sit down and talk.  I had it all in front of me first, and when we did sit down, I had it in front of me then, too.  That way, I wouldn't come back later with something I'd forgotten, or hadn't thought of to begin with.  It also kept me on track... I was less likely to lose my temper, or my train of thought, and it was easier to keep HER on track as well.  And when we sat down to talk, sometimes some of the stuff didn't seem so important anymore, so they didn't get discussed, and that was okay (but I never allowed myself to bring that up later, if it didn't get discussed).

I've done this with others as well.... my ex-MIL, when she had done something 3 times against my wishes (and she knew it made me feel disrespected); other adults with whom I used to lead a singles group at church; my sister...............

In the meantime, just respond with, "So good to hear from you.  I love you and I miss you.  I'd like to meet you sometime next week for (coffee?)"

Esmrlda
by Esme on May. 15, 2014 at 5:43 PM
1 mom liked this

What did you do that you need to apologize for do you think?

How is your new job coming along?

flika
by Bronze Member on May. 15, 2014 at 6:00 PM
This sounds like a good idea, but I think I rather do it all in writing, this way there are no interruptions you know. I'm a coward!

Quoting KittyGram:

Ugh, kids!!!!!!!!!!!!

When my daughter was a teen and a young adult, and we had to have some serious heart to hearts, I'd sit down first and write everything out.  Sometimes I'd scratch things out, sometimes I'd wrinkle up the paper and start over.  Sometimes I ended up with 5 or 6 pages.

Then I'd re-write it, putting what HAD to be discussed, no if's and's or but's about it.  Then the things that probably SHOULD be discussed, and then the more minor things.  

It was only then that I'd let her know we needed to sit down and talk.  I had it all in front of me first, and when we did sit down, I had it in front of me then, too.  That way, I wouldn't come back later with something I'd forgotten, or hadn't thought of to begin with.  It also kept me on track... I was less likely to lose my temper, or my train of thought, and it was easier to keep HER on track as well.  And when we sat down to talk, sometimes some of the stuff didn't seem so important anymore, so they didn't get discussed, and that was okay (but I never allowed myself to bring that up later, if it didn't get discussed).

I've done this with others as well.... my ex-MIL, when she had done something 3 times against my wishes (and she knew it made me feel disrespected); other adults with whom I used to lead a singles group at church; my sister...............

In the meantime, just respond with, "So good to hear from you.  I love you and I miss you.  I'd like to meet you sometime next week for (coffee?)"

flika
by Bronze Member on May. 15, 2014 at 6:06 PM
I think he feels I need to apologize to him for changing or acknowledging that he helped with my little one while I was working at the dealer back then. Rusty he doesn't understand is that he might have been watching my little one bit he didn't help with taking the trash out, or with bills while using electricity and knowing I couldn't afford a thing. The eutectic bill was 90 dollars then. Right now it's 38 to 40! I was shocked when I got my first bill. My electric was disconnected and he wouldn't help before it happened. So things escalated for me with his behavior and attitude towards me. My dd was 13 then and she was coming cleaning telling the trash out, watching the little one, while my son played video games. Now, I wasn't home and this is what dd would text me while I was at at l work and I couldn't go home until late.

My new job fell through :( I'm embarrassed to say. I've been looking and applying everywhere again.


Quoting Esmrlda:

What did you do that you need to apologize for do you think?

How is your new job coming along?

suzeebloch
by Ronna on May. 15, 2014 at 6:11 PM
1 mom liked this

How old is your son?  One thing to remember is that he's never had a mom who had a son who is ____ years old before.  Or at least for him specifically (maybe you have more than 1 son?! lol)  My point is, we all change over time and as life changes our situations.  You do and so does he!  It's a two-way street. 

When I was a new mommy, I got parenting books and magazines.  Books on how to deal with Toddlers.  And Teenagers.   I keep forgetting to go check out the new books at the library, "How to Parent a 34-year-old Daughter for Dummies"  and "How to Parent a 24-year-old Son for Dummies"

flika
by Bronze Member on May. 15, 2014 at 6:26 PM
He'll be 23 in June. I'm also dealing with a 15 years ds and driving me nuts. There are days I can't wait for her yo go off to college. When she is normal, I'm happy to have her around. I'm not sure how to deal with her at all. I want to move out Lol.
Maybe I should look into those books you mention bc I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 😲


Quoting suzeebloch:

How old is your son?  One thing to remember is that he's never had a mom who had a son who is ____ years old before.  Or at least for him specifically (maybe you have more than 1 son?! lol)  My point is, we all change over time and as life changes our situations.  You do and so does he!  It's a two-way street. 

When I was a new mommy, I got parenting books and magazines.  Books on how to deal with Toddlers.  And Teenagers.   I keep forgetting to go check out the new books at the library, "How to Parent a 34-year-old Daughter for Dummies"  and "How to Parent a 24-year-old Son for Dummies"

flika
by Bronze Member on May. 15, 2014 at 6:56 PM
I just read a little bit again and he said he doesn't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure I've change that much. Times had been tough but my core still the same. Just stressed out. It's true we change as we grow but I don't see him different, nor I see myself different but it's hard to see ourselves.

Quoting suzeebloch:

How old is your son?  One thing to remember is that he's never had a mom who had a son who is ____ years old before.  Or at least for him specifically (maybe you have more than 1 son?! lol)  My point is, we all change over time and as life changes our situations.  You do and so does he!  It's a two-way street. 

When I was a new mommy, I got parenting books and magazines.  Books on how to deal with Toddlers.  And Teenagers.   I keep forgetting to go check out the new books at the library, "How to Parent a 34-year-old Daughter for Dummies"  and "How to Parent a 24-year-old Son for Dummies"

Maddie24
by Gold Member on May. 15, 2014 at 7:47 PM
1 mom liked this

 Well, you are right, he is reaching out.  I would be happy about that, but also a little aggravated, but that is me.  Geez, he has no idea what it is like to raise a family and deal with that responsibility.  All that being said, I would probably apologize for life being tough and having to adjust the best way I know how.  Parents are not perfect, all we can do is the best we can.  I think it is definitely a good idea to write what you want to say and talk to him face to face.  It sounds like he will come with an open heart.

jabs54
by Jeanine on May. 15, 2014 at 8:31 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm glad he's reaching out.  I hope you two can become closer again.

flika
by Bronze Member on May. 15, 2014 at 9:42 PM
Thanks me too.

Quoting jabs54:

I'm glad he's reaching out.  I hope you two can become closer again.

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