Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

I am having a hard time dealing with this...

Posted by on Jun. 6, 2014 at 9:19 AM
  • 24 Replies

I know I have not posted in awhile but we have had a lot going on.  So here it is in a nutshell...

Again it is dealing with my oldest daughter.  She just turned 22 years old.  She is still living here at home.  She is nothing but a drama queen in the literal sense!  Since February we have put out 4,000 dollars for a down payment on a car for her due to a major accident she was in on February 20th.  This was done against my better judgement.  My husband insisted on giving her the money and co signing on a loan for her.  I let it go because I just did not feel like fighting constantly with my husband about it.  We are paying for a lawyer because the woman that hit my daughter head on has an insurance company that is being hard headed and I just do not want to deal with it.  They are low balling us on the car that we owned and they are fighting the medical bills.  Why should my medical insurance cover my daughter's injuries and treatment when it was not her fault?  I just want my daughter's medical bills paid by the other ladies insurance company. 

My 12 is going through screening for ADHD.  No one other than my husband and I know this and I refuse to tell anyone else in the family due to the back lash that we will get.  My mother literally would tell me that I was horrible for sending my son to a therapist and getting him on meds to help with his concentration. Honestly it is really no one elses business.

Just in the last week my oldest daughter and I  got into a large fight about things.  She came home demanding that we stay out of her life basically and that what she did was none of our business.  I am of the mind if you are living here rent free what you are doing in my home is my business.  She was threatening to move out and I basically told her that it was up to her what she wanted to do but I told her good luck.  My husband again told me that I was being mean.  Oh well.  I can only take so much fun for one day!

Now yesterday this same daughter informed me that she may be pregnant!  I was like UMMMM okay what do you want me to do about it????

Ladies help me here to find at least a bit of support and sympathy for her.  I just do not have it in me right now.  Give me some reassurance that I am not a horrible mother and that I am not a failure.  She literally is throwing away everything that she has worked for as far as college.  She has 1 more freaking semester left before she gets her degree!  Why in the name that all that is good would she do this?  Why in the world would she trade a few minutes of pleasure for getting her life in order before getting herself in this situation? 

I am honestly afraid of how this going to play out.  I am not willing to give up going back to school myself to stay home to help out with another baby.  I only say this because my husband will want to help out and it will all fall back on us as a family.  It is going to impact us all and I do not know if I am willing to disrupt our household and my let this impact my 2 youngest or anything to do with my 2 youngest.  I honestly am of the mind with my oldest that if you play you gotta pay.  You made your bed and you have to lay in it!

I needed to vent and you have always have given me good advice and are honest.  Thank you for reading this all the way to the end if you have.



by on Jun. 6, 2014 at 9:19 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
LEK19
by Platinum Member on Jun. 6, 2014 at 10:44 AM
3 moms liked this

Hearts to you. It is tough when you and your husband are not on the same page about dealing with your kids. It sounds as if he has allowed her to be a little princess and she now feels entitled. I agree with you that she needs to live with the consequences of her actions. You are still raising kids and do need to think about them. Your daughter needs to tow her own line. I hope your husband can see how he is not "helping" but enabling her to keep living whatever way she chooses. Right now she is not making good decisions and she needs to learn from her mistakes. 

Hang in there! I know it is tiring when it feels as if you are the only one, but stick to your standards and maybe she will rise to them. I certainly hope so.

my4kids274
by Bronze Member on Jun. 6, 2014 at 11:14 AM
1 mom liked this

Thank you!  I plan on sticking to my guns. 

Quoting LEK19:

Hearts to you. It is tough when you and your husband are not on the same page about dealing with your kids. It sounds as if he has allowed her to be a little princess and she now feels entitled. I agree with you that she needs to live with the consequences of her actions. You are still raising kids and do need to think about them. Your daughter needs to tow her own line. I hope your husband can see how he is not "helping" but enabling her to keep living whatever way she chooses. Right now she is not making good decisions and she needs to learn from her mistakes. 

Hang in there! I know it is tiring when it feels as if you are the only one, but stick to your standards and maybe she will rise to them. I certainly hope so.


Maddie24
by Gold Member on Jun. 6, 2014 at 11:36 AM
1 mom liked this

 She did this because she is 22 and they think they know everything.  I believe they think that because everything has always worked out (because mom and dad took care of it) that it always will.  They do not understand the effort and responsibility it takes to make everything work out.  My DD got pregnant in college at 18.  I had to balance making her suffer consequences without letting her and my DGD live under a bridge.  It is a tough road.  But in the end and with a lot of help, she finished college and can support herself.  She turned out to be a great mom.  So it can work out, but I know the agony during the years of struggle.  On the up side, your daughter is almost finished with college.  Also, she needs to find out if she is pregnant or not.  These are tough years and I remember thinking that I was so weary of suffering the consequences for them.  As I get older - drama takes a bigger toll on me.  The worry of how will they survive when I am gone.  Hang in there.  Try very hard to let her own her own consequences.  These are decisions she is making and you have no control over.  It must be tough to have a spouse that seems to want you to take on the consequences.  Try to get him on the same page or it will take a toll on your marriage.  I think the best thing I did (and it hurt terribly) was to stand aside when they were having their struggles.  I can also say that my DGD is the light of my life and she has brought our family together in many ways.  So it can work out - it is just a very hard road.  Do not feel like a failure, these are her decisions!!!

my4kids274
by Bronze Member on Jun. 6, 2014 at 12:01 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you.  :)  I am a firm believer in you reap what you sow.  Honestly I am just feeling very overwhelmed right at this point in time.  I really do think that letting her fall flat on her face and letting her deal with this herself is what she needs.  I really do agree with everything you said and thank you again.  I think honestly my husband just does not like to see any of his kids suffer in any way when in reality that they need to fall and pick themselves up without us there to catch them before they fall. 

Quoting Maddie24:

 She did this because she is 22 and they think they know everything.  I believe they think that because everything has always worked out (because mom and dad took care of it) that it always will.  They do not understand the effort and responsibility it takes to make everything work out.  My DD got pregnant in college at 18.  I had to balance making her suffer consequences without letting her and my DGD live under a bridge.  It is a tough road.  But in the end and with a lot of help, she finished college and can support herself.  She turned out to be a great mom.  So it can work out, but I know the agony during the years of struggle.  On the up side, your daughter is almost finished with college.  Also, she needs to find out if she is pregnant or not.  These are tough years and I remember thinking that I was so weary of suffering the consequences for them.  As I get older - drama takes a bigger toll on me.  The worry of how will they survive when I am gone.  Hang in there.  Try very hard to let her own her own consequences.  These are decisions she is making and you have no control over.  It must be tough to have a spouse that seems to want you to take on the consequences.  Try to get him on the same page or it will take a toll on your marriage.  I think the best thing I did (and it hurt terribly) was to stand aside when they were having their struggles.  I can also say that my DGD is the light of my life and she has brought our family together in many ways.  So it can work out - it is just a very hard road.  Do not feel like a failure, these are her decisions!!!


Marinefranksmom
by Bronze Member on Jun. 6, 2014 at 12:04 PM

I am so sorry you have to go through all this.  It's heartbreaking to see a child that you love make poor decisions.  I noted that on one hand, she wants you to mind your own business, on the other, she announces she may be pregnant.  It seems to me that she is either creating more drama, or she may actually want your help.  However, if your husband has been enabling her all her life instead of making the hard decisions, she may want you to somehow fix this for her.  Which, of course, you can't.  If she is pregnant it's time for her to put on her big girl panties & deal.  I tend to agree with all of what the first 2 ladies who posted have said.  They seem to have a better idea of what's going on.  I have no daughters, only a son.  He's a  grown man now, a Marine, a police officer who career is moving forward wonderfully, married, 1 son, a daughter on the way, owns his own beautiful home & has a lovely wife.  He's wonderful, smart, funny, self reliant & devoted to his family.  Ten years ago, I wouldn't have predicted any of that.  He barely graduated high school, was defiant & depressed.  His father drank at the time, his grandparents up & moved 1500 miles away & puberty hit him hard.  Years of love, tough & otherwise, therapy, 2 yrs of college,  & 5 years in the Marines made a man of him.  I think it's time to sit your daughter down give her 2 choices:  abide by the house rules, finish college, get a job & if she is expecting a child, start making plans to have & care for the baby, and act like a grown woman.  Or, if she wants you to stay out of her life, show her where the door is.  She has to learn she can't have it both ways.  We took that approach with our son.  We had tried to give him all the love, attention, support, and values that we had & believed were important.  He was also spoiled & enabled by his paternal grandparents (the ones who moved away) so it wasn't easy. I think it's time for your daughter to realize she must now become an adult.  If she can't get there herself, perhaps some family counseling will help.  This has been a valuable tool in our lives: we all were in therapy for a while, my "kids" still are - their life together had a very rough start & my DIL suffers from anxiety which, while she's pregnant, she can't take meds for.  Often, when family members won't listen to good advice from other family, they listen to a professional.  (This is how DH stopped drinking).  I surely hope any of this helps.  Good luck & God bless.  

suzeebloch
by Ronna on Jun. 6, 2014 at 12:04 PM

I'm posting a link to a post I made a few weeks ago.  I think it shows exactly what you are feeling!  :o)

Even Eagles Need A Push


and then check out this one:  spin-off to Eagles need a push...

kuntrylady56
by Gold Member on Jun. 6, 2014 at 2:03 PM

First thing I would do is make her take a pregnancy test, just to make sure she isn't yanking your chain hoping you'll lighten up on her some.  And it sounds like her and your husband need a reality check. She is not his"little girl" anymore shes a grown woman and its about time she grows up and excepts her responsibilities.   With your husband always ready to get her out of the jams she gets herself into she is not going to be doing this anytime soon.

I would set them both down and let them know how you feel.Ask her that if she is pregnant are there any plans fro a wedding in the future? IS the father going to step up and help support the child?  If not how is she going to be able to afford to take care of an infant.  Make her look up on line or print it out for her just how much money it takes to care for a child.According to the USDA if you have a child that was born in 2012 it will take approximatley 241,080. dollars and that dosen't include college, thats just until the age of 18.

My daughter got pregnant when she was 18 for the first time,she is now 28 yo and has tow other children for m a differnt man,still not married,quit college, and is struggling a lot.  She also has other issues too. Its been a struggle betwen me and her,I've raised her on my own since she was 14,when her Dad and I divorced.  He really hasn't been in the picture much.

But I've learned over the years and all that her and I have been through, you need to let them fail, its part of the growing up process. The world is not perfect and it can be a mean place sometimes. And no matter how much we want to keep our children safe and protected, we just can't.   

We had to learn our own way and so must they.  My daughter has actually live don the streets,going from place to place,couch surfing as they call it. Because I refused to be used anymore and she chose not to follow mine and my n ow husbands house rules. So she packed up and left!  But for the last 5 years her and the my grandsons father have been together and trying to make it work. Its been hard and I've helped raise the oldest grandson and have custody of my 9yo grandaughter,and have raised her since she was an infant.

Hopefully your daughter will make the right decisions, but, for her sake...try to make your husband let her do it on her own!  

If she is pregnant you ALL have to set down with her and the father(IF he stays in the picture) and let her know what your stand is on this. If she thinks she still going ot live at home and have ya'll helping her out financially ect. then she will finish school and SHE will follow yuour house rules!

I wish you luck and will keep you inmy prayers.

LadySaphira
by Lisa on Jun. 6, 2014 at 2:53 PM

If I were you, I would feel like running away from home at this point. Hugs to you!

atlmom2
by Susie on Jun. 6, 2014 at 3:26 PM

Your 22 yo needs to move out and be on her own.  She needs stop being enabled and learn to make her own way. 

Maddie24
by Gold Member on Jun. 6, 2014 at 5:22 PM

 My Ex and I cannot live together because of many things, but one of the worst is his lack of regard towards how I feel about raising children.  It is great that a Dad can love his daughter so much, but you can still love them while they experience their own consequences.  A grandchild makes boundaries difficult to navigate.  At least your daughter will have her college degree!  That will help.  You need time to process all of this.  It may take months to figure out the best way to handle the situation.  Give yourself time to think it through and let your daughter think through how she is going to make all this work.  Be a listening ear, she may step up to the plate - one little step at a time.

Quoting my4kids274:

Thank you.  :)  I am a firm believer in you reap what you sow.  Honestly I am just feeling very overwhelmed right at this point in time.  I really do think that letting her fall flat on her face and letting her deal with this herself is what she needs.  I really do agree with everything you said and thank you again.  I think honestly my husband just does not like to see any of his kids suffer in any way when in reality that they need to fall and pick themselves up without us there to catch them before they fall. 

Quoting Maddie24:

 She did this because she is 22 and they think they know everything.  I believe they think that because everything has always worked out (because mom and dad took care of it) that it always will.  They do not understand the effort and responsibility it takes to make everything work out.  My DD got pregnant in college at 18.  I had to balance making her suffer consequences without letting her and my DGD live under a bridge.  It is a tough road.  But in the end and with a lot of help, she finished college and can support herself.  She turned out to be a great mom.  So it can work out, but I know the agony during the years of struggle.  On the up side, your daughter is almost finished with college.  Also, she needs to find out if she is pregnant or not.  These are tough years and I remember thinking that I was so weary of suffering the consequences for them.  As I get older - drama takes a bigger toll on me.  The worry of how will they survive when I am gone.  Hang in there.  Try very hard to let her own her own consequences.  These are decisions she is making and you have no control over.  It must be tough to have a spouse that seems to want you to take on the consequences.  Try to get him on the same page or it will take a toll on your marriage.  I think the best thing I did (and it hurt terribly) was to stand aside when they were having their struggles.  I can also say that my DGD is the light of my life and she has brought our family together in many ways.  So it can work out - it is just a very hard road.  Do not feel like a failure, these are her decisions!!!

 

 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)