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How to handle my 18 yo son and his crazy and now pregnant girlfriend.

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:13 PM
  • 10 Replies

My 18 year old son dropped out of college giving up thousands in scholarship money and grants to live with his 18 yo girlfriend. Now she is pregnant. Neither of them have jobs or even a place to live right now. They are both living with our other adult son who is only 20 working part time.

I really do not and have never liked this girl for many, many reasons. I feel that she purposefully trapped him. I really believe she has a lot of lifelong mental issues, but I will not go into the details. Of course our son is definitely being incredibly stupid too! He is now even more miserable and they fight ALL THE TIME. He has begun to just randomly come to our house for refuge. This morning I came out of my room and there he was on the couch. We are taking him to see a military recruiter later today because that was once a thought he had and it is now looking more appealing to him. He has no money, no job, and no skills.  We've made it very clear they they are on their own. They wanted to make adult choices against our advise. We had talked to them multiple times about this prior to it having happened, but they would not listen. We are trying to practice tough love.

We are very concerned about this future child. Their maturity levels at this point are no better than a couple of 12 year olds. They both have some anger issues. I have recommended that they consider adoption. I feel kind of bad about that, but there are a lot of couples who can not have children who would love to have a baby and would give the baby a wonderful home. We fear that we may end up raising the baby and it may sound heartless as the grandmother, but we do not want to raise another baby. That is being said from someone who has done foster care for over 5 years to over 25 children and would have loved to have been adopted out as a baby rather than growing up the way  I did. My own horrible experience in my biological home is what led us to doing foster care in the first place. When the kids are adopted out is such a happier experience than when they return home. I don't know if they will consider it at some point. I have only suggested it to our son. 

We come from a Christian background and I'm sure these thoughts are not what would be advised among the Christian community. My son and his girlfriend and many in our community feel they should get married and raise this baby. But what kind of home would two fighting immature and irresponsible parents be for the baby? I don't see it getting better, only worse. I'm not trying to assist my son in escaping his responsibilties, but he is heading to a lifetime of misery without parole.

by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
suzeebloch
by Ronna on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:22 PM
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Welcome to Moms with Adult Kids.  From what you have written and described, you have thought this out well and I personally believe you are on the right track here.  I agree with the suggestion of adopting out the baby - but only if the mom agrees, of course, will it happen.  I find it sad in this day and age that many in the community would poke their noses where they don't belong and try to insist these kids get married.  Two wrongs don't make a right!!

Kudos to you to be practicing tough love.  I am hoping your son will wake up and realize he has literally thrown away all that college $$ and will choose to move foward in the military, if that is truly what he decides to do. 

Again, welcome to MWAK!  Hang in there!  Come here and vent any time you need to - or just jump into any post that looks interesting whenever you want to!  :o)


EireLass
by Platinum Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:59 PM
1 mom liked this

I think you should invite her parents over for dinner and a talk. 

harmony7
by Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 5:14 PM

 I am a Christian and I see nothing wrong with your feelings on this subject. You want the best for grandbaby and for your son and frankly for the gf...if they are not mature enough to handle it then the little one should not suffer and an adoptive home is a beautiful thing!

Welcome to the group!!

Pam in Alabama
A Mom to nine sons and one daughter with five still at home
LadySaphira
by Lisa on Jul. 23, 2014 at 6:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the group!

I can completely understand your concern about the maturity level of your son and his GF. Just because they are physicaly capable of having a child does not mean that they are metaly ready to. I hope things work out for the best of the baby but unfortunatly things don't always heppen they way would like them too. 

Is there someone else you knwo that can talk to them? Sometimes our kids are more receptive to the exact same advice that we would give them when it is coming from someone else. As far as the other people in the comunity..twll them to butt out of your family business.

kuntrylady56
by Gold Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 7:17 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome. And I feel your pain. My daughter was in the same position at 18,living in a ahorrible palce with boyfriend,no jobs ect. I did allow her to move back in with me and my husband,as well as her boyfriend. The main reason for this was to make sure her and baby got the proper care before and after the baby was born.

Long story short,we ended up with custody of our beautiful grand daughter and have raised her since,she is now 9 yo.And luckily her Mom and Dad are still in the picture and she has a good relationship with both of them.

I think you're doing the right thing. Is her parents in the picture? Are they willing to help her in anyway?  I think it might be a good thing for your son to go into the military, it might help him mature and growup some.  As for the Mother she needs to seek help also.

I will keep you all in my prayers.

ldcat1
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 10:37 AM

Unfortunately his gf is really messed up. Her parents are crazy. Her and her siblings were taken away from her biological parents. She was adoptive into a nice loving family and all she did was cause trouble. They ended up asking her to leave or she wanted to (I'm not sure) about a year ago and ended up in a group home.  She does not repsepect any authority and will fight with everyone. I think they have moreless washed their hands of her. I have considered calling them if I can get their number.


Since she was adopted I'm not sure she will consider it. We've tried to talk to her and many ,many othrs but she is receptive to no one. My son doesn't even talk when he's around her as she takes complete control of him.. It's like he's a marionette puppet for her. We never got to take him to the recruiter's office because she wouldn't let him go. She is with him 24/7, almost literally. He walked about 8 miles in the dark to our home the other night just to get away from her. 


My heart is so heavy. Thank you for encouraging me and for your prayers!

kuntrylady56
by Gold Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 11:11 AM

The next time your son comes to your house, keep him there and take him to the recruiting office.  I feel sorry for his girlfriend because she sounds like she has some serious mental issues, making me wonder if she would even be capable of taking care of a child.  Your son needs to realize if she has this baby and keeps it he will be responsible to support that child even if they aren't together anymore,married or not.  

Big hugs.

Quoting ldcat1:

Unfortunately his gf is really messed up. Her parents are crazy. Her and her siblings were taken away from her biological parents. She was adoptive into a nice loving family and all she did was cause trouble. They ended up asking her to leave or she wanted to (I'm not sure) about a year ago and ended up in a group home.  She does not repsepect any authority and will fight with everyone. I think they have moreless washed their hands of her. I have considered calling them if I can get their number.


Since she was adopted I'm not sure she will consider it. We've tried to talk to her and many ,many othrs but she is receptive to no one. My son doesn't even talk when he's around her as she takes complete control of him.. It's like he's a marionette puppet for her. We never got to take him to the recruiter's office because she wouldn't let him go. She is with him 24/7, almost literally. He walked about 8 miles in the dark to our home the other night just to get away from her. 


My heart is so heavy. Thank you for encouraging me and for your prayers!


DesignGirl450
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:46 PM
1 mom liked this

Here we go again.  Have young people not heard of birth control?  You cannot just blame the girlfriend if your son made the decision not to use a condom.  And the "community" does not have a right to an opinion about what these teenagers should be doing with their lives or the baby.  The most unfortunate part which you stated was that your son was going to college with scholarship and grant funding, and has given this up.   These two are too poor, uneducated and immature to be parents, and if they keep the baby, I really feel for the child.  BTW, you are not a bad person because you don't want to raise your grandchild, nor did you sign up for that when you had kids. 

atlmom2
by Susie on Jul. 24, 2014 at 1:57 PM
Get jobs and get in the real world. They played the adult game so step up. The baby would be better adopted out.
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Esmrlda
by Esme on Jul. 24, 2014 at 5:57 PM

Hello, welcomeIm sorry your son got mixed up with a girl like this. I hope everything works out for the best.  Ouch on the scholarships!!

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