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potential conflict .. of interest ...

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 7:01 AM
  • 29 Replies

It has dawned on me the last few days ... I've been helping to take care of my mom (she has Alzheimers disease and has kind of gone downhill since just before Christmas) by going over and feeding her since she refuses to eat for dad.  She seems to eat for me - well, most of the time.  she's even balking at me feeding her lately.

Johnny will be having brain surgery this spring, and I had planned to go be with him (1800 miles away) to provide the daily trips for his radiation therapy for 6 weeks.  His gf works and he doesn't drive due to seizures and as my job is portable anyway, it only makes sense for me to help there - I mean seriously, would you want to take public transportation to/from radiation therapy treatments for 6 weeks? 

but my dilemma now is - if I go to help Johnny, I won't be here for my mom!

I'm wondering what you all think about this!

by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 7:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Cindy18
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 7:13 AM
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I think you need to look into Home Health Care help for your mom. There are agencies that do what you are doing for your mom. Here in Michigan there is an adovocay group that helps families find the assist for older family members, it's called Agency for the Aging-1b. I think that's a state thing not a national thing but I'm sure there is something there in Kansas. 

You need to be there for your son! 

suzeebloch
by Ronna on Jan. 14, 2015 at 8:05 AM

I doubt my dad would allow this, just to feed my mom.  But since my trip to CA is still in the future, I/we have time to figure this out.  I do want to be able to help my child!

Quoting Cindy18:

I think you need to look into Home Health Care help for your mom. There are agencies that do what you are doing for your mom. Here in Michigan there is an adovocay group that helps families find the assist for older family members, it's called Agency for the Aging-1b. I think that's a state thing not a national thing but I'm sure there is something there in Kansas. 

You need to be there for your son! 


louannwilkins
by Louann on Jan. 14, 2015 at 8:09 AM

Oh gosh Ronna...this just hurts my heart.  I would feel the same way.  I don't know the answer.  Let's just hope it will be easy for you to do when the time comes.  Maybe something will happen where your mom can get some help that your dad would be open to by then.  Keep us posted.  I really really hope something works out.  Is there any way your brother could make arrangements to be there while you're gone to make sure she eats?  Would she eat for him?  Hugs to you!!!!!

suzeebloch
by Ronna on Jan. 14, 2015 at 8:15 AM
1 mom liked this

thanks, LouAnn!  Yes, this just dawned on me in the last couple of days.

My brother would definitely "take over" if mom still needs it when I am gone - the problem is he works out of town 50% of the time!  In fact, he just left for southern CA yesterday - will be back home the 27th, then leaves the 28th for the east coast.  He's a good, reliable, hard worker who also has the required driver's license to drive the big trucks, so they send him out often to do the installs across the country!

Quoting louannwilkins:

Oh gosh Ronna...this just hurts my heart.  I would feel the same way.  I don't know the answer.  Let's just hope it will be easy for you to do when the time comes.  Maybe something will happen where your mom can get some help that your dad would be open to by then.  Keep us posted.  I really really hope something works out.  Is there any way your brother could make arrangements to be there while you're gone to make sure she eats?  Would she eat for him?  Hugs to you!!!!!


Why123
by Nancy on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:55 AM

That is a really tough decision to have to make.  Could some of her Japanese friends come over at least part time while you are gone?  That might make it easier.

sabrtooth1
by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 10:03 AM
Take her with you
skrbelly
by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 10:06 AM
1 mom liked this
Start by getting a couple of willing people involved with Mom now.That way she has a chance to get used to someone who can be available while you are away with your son. I think you have to be there for your son.
suzeebloch
by Ronna on Jan. 14, 2015 at 10:08 AM

I don't see that happening.  I am planning to drive to CA - it's a 2-day, 14-hour per day road trip (1800 miles) My son has a 1-bedroom apartment.  I don't know how long the radiation treatments last but it is daily, M-F, for 6 weeks.  Mom will be 83 at the end of February, has Alzheimer's disease (reason she is not eating well) and her last weight, on 12/31/14, was 88 pounds.

I'm really tight on funds and that's why I'm driving - his gf sold her car so she's driving his since he can't drive right now due to his seizures.  So by driving there, I can take him to/from his radiation treatments.  Plus my job is portable so I am taking it with me. 

Quoting sabrtooth1: Take her with you


Esmrlda
by Esme on Jan. 14, 2015 at 11:55 AM

Can you guys hire someone that she likes and feels comfortable with, maybe interview several people who are MA's or caregivers to come and see her and feed her? 

jwaren
by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 12:12 PM
1 mom liked this

As someone who watched my Grandma pass away from Alheimer's not that long ago, your Dad NEEDS to have a backup besides you.  My Grandma was similar. She wouldn't eat much of anything.  She would drink half an ensure for breakfast and the other half for dinner.  Add 2 bites of whatever else my grandpa made and that was it.  One day, my Grandpa started having some really bad pains in his stomach (he has a colostomy bag due to stage 4 colon cancer) and had to go to the ER.  He called my Dad to come sit with my Grandma.  Grandpa needed surgery, and 6 weeks in a rehab center. Grandma ended up in a nursing home because there was no one trained and available to be with her.  Even if someone came in 1 hour a day to help her with lunch, someone needs to be familiar enough to step in if there is an emergency.

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