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Need advice on our 20 yo daughter...

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 5:16 PM
  • 18 Replies

I could talk for hours and it would probably take that long to get everyone to understand, but I will try to make it the shortest version possible. She dropped out of school when she turned 18 and has been driving us crazy ever since. Drinking, drugs, staying out all night. Wont look for a job, wont go back to school. Has the worst attitude imaginable. When weve told her to move out she just tells us no or cries that she has nowhere to go. But she seems to find friends to stay with when she disappears for two days at a time. She wont help around the house and she is a bad influence on my 5 year old son. IT is expensive to feed her and drive her around. We finally got her to move out last week after a huge fight. She is already trying to apologize but we have been down this road before. She tries to manipulate us into feeling sorry for her. She has done that her whole life. But we are so worried about her. If she cannot even manage to get her life straight while we try to hold her hand, how the hell can we expect her to do it on her own? She texted two days ago and said we have to either give her money or she is going to a homeless shelter. And that she was just about to look for a job but its not going to work if she doesnt have a place to live. We havent talked to her since then. She has had months to look, but she just doesnt care. I am worried sick. But I know if we keep letting her back she will never change. I am so torn on what to do. Any advice would be awesome!

by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 5:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 5:27 PM

Stick to your guns,tough love is hard but so worth it. We had a daughter like that and she turned herself around,it was hard but you can do it,think of your younger child and how much better your home life is.

by Susie on Feb. 18, 2015 at 7:04 PM

Tough love.  Stop enabling her.  Let her go to a homeless shelter.  Maybe she will get a job. 

by Rose on Feb. 18, 2015 at 8:33 PM

I know this is so hard, but she sounds like she will be okay. She can find people to stay with or a homeless shelter.

She will learn while she is out that she has to be respectful of others and how to get along.

When my oldest brother lived with us we had to kick him out. Guess what? He's still alive (this was 30 years ago) and he's surviving.

(((hugs for you and your family)))

by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 9:03 PM

 For a mom - that feels like the loneliest place in the world - worried that something you do is going to cause your DD to slide further into trouble.  You are Not alone.  Many of us have been there, myself included.  I wish I have been on cafemom back then.  If you support her bad decisions you are enabling them to continue.  I know how hard it can be, but only she can decide to make good decisions for herself.  Homeless shelters are sometimes what it takes for them to realize that is not the way they want to live.  Sometimes they have to sink further.  Is sounds like letting her stay at home at your expense is not going to 'cause' her to want something better for herself.  I do know the impact a destructive child can have on a younger sibling can be terrible - then you risk losing 2 of them. 

by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 9:24 PM
Thank you all for the supportive comments. As hard as it is, I know you are right. Sometimes I am so focused on what she is doing, and making sure she isnt throwing her life away, I forget how serious of an impact she could have on my youngest. he already has an attitude and thinks it's Okay to talk mean to us. Not to mention the drugs Or alcohol she could bring into the house. I hope this time she does get it together. we love her and we just want to see her succeed. I guess the best way has to be her way. She thinks she knows everything anyways. I was a pain in the ass as a teenager too, but I also moved out at 17 and was pregnant by 19. By 20 my mother and I were best friends again. Thank u all.
by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 9:38 PM
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Have you had a full physical and psychiatric workup done?  Befor I threw a child of mine over my shoulder, I'd make SURE they weren't ill.  However, if they were drinking or doing drugs, then it would be obvious that they WERE ill, and I'd find out why.  I'd make living at home contingent upon getting and maintaining treatment, getting and maintaining a job, no stealing and nothing illegal in  my house.  I'd also get myself, and the family, into counseling.  The "patient" is ALWAYS the family, too.

by Silver Member on Feb. 19, 2015 at 7:36 AM

tough love dont be an enabler 

by on Feb. 19, 2015 at 9:46 AM

I was given advice, about my 24 year old daughter, not too long ago.  Don't make her problems, YOUR problems.  She's an adult and chose this path herself.  You've given her many opportunities to get her crap together.....let her figure it out herself or, as you've said, she'll continue the way she is if you let her live with you.  Stay strong.

by Amber on Feb. 19, 2015 at 9:52 AM
I'm in a similar situation with my 19 yr old. I can only iffer you a shoulder as I don't know what to do about my son, sonI can't iffer advise to you. It's very hard that I understand. I had to kick my son out last April, he finally got things situated and got a job, he asked to come home but it's been a constant fight with him. Just know I am here if you need to vent.
by Amber on Feb. 19, 2015 at 9:54 AM
Oh and you are doing the right thing. You have a little one now who needs you. I also have 3 littles. I tell my son it's their turn for my full attention he had his turn. He is an adult and I can't take care of him anymore.
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