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Mother-in-law boundaries ๐Ÿ˜

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2016 at 12:48 AM
  • 16 Replies

I'm Kin. I have two grown boys-26 and 24. The younger son is a heroine addict who is usually either in jail or out on the streets for the past few years. My older son and his new wife just moved in with me for 3 months to save some money. My son has a great job and works out of town all week so it's just me and my daughter-in-law. I just don't know how to be a mother-in-law ๐Ÿ˜•. I waited till my son got home to speak to both of them together about the state of my home after leaving them here alone for a few weeks and well, she left the room in a huff and went in her room to cry and now me and my son are all weird and I feel uncomfortable in my own house. I have been trying to bite my tongue and just let everyone be but my God... My house was FILTHY when I returned and I told them that I was appalled! I offered to teach her how to clean and she's such a young know-it-all... She says she knows already. I'm exasperated and I need some help. Thanks ๐Ÿ˜
by on Apr. 8, 2016 at 12:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
rosesink
by Member on Apr. 8, 2016 at 6:20 AM
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sweepingI feel your pain my daughter and her hubby are living with us until he goes into basic for the Marines and she will be with us after that till he is done with his training.  In my case my daughter is the messy one (always has been)  and it drives us crazy.  DH and I are always telling her to clean up after herself and clean up the kitchen after she cooks.  Stick to your guns it is YOUR house and if need be have your son speak to her.  You are doing them a big favor leting them stay there and the LEAST they can do is clean up after themselves.




jabs54
by Jeanine on Apr. 8, 2016 at 8:15 AM

You have every right to expect them to keep your house clean.  When you say "3 months" did you mean that is how long they will be there?  If so I would just let it go.  If they will be there longer than that I would right up a "contract" with specifics.  Good luck!

Oh, and welcome!

atlmom2
by Susie on Apr. 8, 2016 at 9:17 AM
1 mom liked this

This is one reason why we wouldn't allow our married kids to move back home.  You need to get married and make it.  I would tell her she either cleans of they move out NOW.  Some kids are just so rude these days and have no respect.  

LadySaphira
by Lisa on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:38 AM
Sit down with them again and lay out all expectations such as helping cook meals, contributing to household costs, and cleaning. It would have been ideal to do so before allowing them to mover in but better late than never.
LEK19
by Group Admin on Apr. 8, 2016 at 12:40 PM

I understand what you are going through. My daughter-in-law never had to clean up after herself. She never learned how to clean. She grew up in a house where they hired people to do things for them. My son and DIL moved in with us when she lost her job earlier than expected. They were supposed to phase out her position three months later. In between they were expecting Baby #2, so they moved in with us until my granddaughter was born. When she was three months old they bought a condo. She is not good at "keeping house." My son would do more than her but he tires of doing all the work. It is a problem for the two of them. She said she wanted to learn how to cook and clean while she stayed with us. She did learn how to cook but not clean. My son is the main wage earner. She is a stay at home Mom now and does very little. If my son wants anything cleaned he has to do it himself.

While they were staying with us we had to remind them of our standards and what we expected. Our house - our rules. I do think they rushed into buying a condo they probably shouldn't have (the association is really poorly run) just to get out of our house. 

It is what it is! I wish you well. Stick to what your expectations are but make them very clear to them. Sure, they will get mad and things can be uncomfortable at times but all will be better in the long run. I hope she "learns" (even though she knows it all!) better than my DIL did. I still hope that she will "wake up and smell the coffee" someday!

Kindi22
by New Member on Apr. 8, 2016 at 12:45 PM
Wow... Thank you for your reply! That really helps... Even it it is only so I don't feel so alone!
bluebunnybabe
by Bronze Member on Apr. 8, 2016 at 12:52 PM
Use the quote button to reply to people. (:
Sorry I don't have any advice. I would help mine pay rent before I would let them move in. Lol


Quoting Kindi22: Wow... Thank you for your reply! That really helps... Even it it is only so I don't feel so alone!
MonarchMom22
by on Apr. 8, 2016 at 12:58 PM

This is a tricky situation. I would try to keep it framed as the "rules for the house" and not imply the DIL or Son are the one to do the cleaning. In the end, all that matters is the house is kept to the standards you need.

If she or he wants advice on cleaning, they will ask.  Just let them know what you need for the house and leave it at that. Everyone has different standards and comfort levels, acknowledge that you and they may differ, but this is what you need in your home.

Try to let them know you are glad to help them, and hope this time can bring you closer together. You don't want a bad feeling from this short time to linger and cloud the relationship.

Kindi22
by New Member on Apr. 8, 2016 at 1:16 PM
Yes, 3 months is the time limit in my senior citizen park where I live. I thought I would make things easier so I left for three weeks while they settled in. Apparently she was going to power out for 2 days right before I got home but I came home unexpectedly. I am trying to teach them to clean up the moment you make the damn mess! Don't leave it for later because obviously later never comes.

Quoting jabs54:

You have every right to expect them to keep your house clean.  When you say "3 months" did you mean that is how long they will be there?  If so I would just let it go.  If they will be there longer than that I would right up a "contract" with specifics.  Good luck!

Oh, and welcome!

kuntrylady56
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2016 at 4:00 PM

Welcome to the group Kin, all the ladies have given you great advice. The only thing I could add to it is maybe do like you do for children. Make up a daily chore chart. Stick it to the fridge with a nice reminder to pick up after yourselves or you might find your belongings in the trash can!  I had to do this with my daughter, because even though she was taught better she is horrible at picking up and cleaning after herself and her kids.  I have her,boyfriend and three grandchildren living with me. So I feel your pain.lol

Her boyfriend is actually a better housekeeper then she is. So just stick to your guns, keep reminding them ( it does get tiressome) but it might just sink in.  Good luck!

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