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19 yo dd making life mistakes

Posted by on Jun. 19, 2017 at 11:54 AM
  • 32 Replies

Hi!

My dd is 19 and she is making many minor life mistakes. She has had an illness that has confind her to very limited activity. Her illness is POTS, if you don't know anything about it you can look it up. She has had this for 5 years. She sees a heart doctor (is on two heart medications), a neurologist, and a psychitrist due to anxiety and depression brought on by her illness. She finally graduated from high school this year with a combinoation of homeschool and tutorials. She had a fabulous graduation night. 

The problem is the push and pull between her wanting to make adult decisions. She even says I am old enough and don't have to ask for permission and that fact that she has not made or gone throuh many of the normal growing up stages of a teen to develop these skills. "

For example she doesn't drive. She wont study for the test. When we force her to take it she fails it.

She would not study for the ACT. She cancelled two of the test the day of the test and on the last time I told her she could not graduate unless she took it so she did.

She had a job for one day at a clothing store. And quit because the store had a lot of shoplifting and she didn't feel safe.   

My husband and I notice she had energy when she wants to go some place with a friend (she has few) but she spend most of her day alone in her bedroom on the computer or telephone. She wants to be a writer and she is a great fictional writier that is almost finished one novel and working on three others. She has wanted to write since she was 12 and has devoted a lot of time every day to crafting her skill.

As a mom who has been close to her, it is hard for me to see her make dumb decisions like she had her hair dyed pink. It faded after the first wash and it looks horrible. Do I tell her? She even had her eyebrows done so she looks like an albinio. Do I offer to have her when time passes to have it dyed back or do I just let her live with gross faded her.

While she was in high school and not healthy, we paid for her expenses. I have told her she needs to be looking for a job. She helped a friend do some cleaning and tells me she found a gold coin and they gave her the money for it which was $1,000. She didn't tell me until she spent most of it on little stuff like computer stickers, fuji instamatic camera, goofy t-shirts, commissioned art and some other clothes. Basically she blew it in a week buying things online.

Today I went into her room, her brother was going to take her to get her dr liscense. She didn't want to go because she said she didn't sleep due to anxiety -- not becaue of taking the test but because of something else she didn't want to talk about. I am getting this a lot when I talk to her or ask questions. "I don't want to talk about it."

Last week she told me she wanted to move to Canada for a year or two with a girl friend she has known and skyped with over the internet for years. I was like it is okay for you to do this but how are you going to support yourself? What about your heart doctors? I explained to her that her dad and I would not financially give her money. She would have to work.

How do I help her take steps to being her own adult without crushing her with the weight of the responsibility? How do I walk through this time but maintain a strong healthy relationship with her?  I want her to grow up to be a person she was created to be. I want her to be independent. It is simply hard for her to be closing us out, cutting us off and sometime now being mean in the way she talks to me as she struggles to find her way. 

by on Jun. 19, 2017 at 11:54 AM
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Why123
by Nancy on Jun. 19, 2017 at 12:41 PM

Raising children to be independent adults is very hard.  Changing her hair color is not something worth fighting about.  My oldest granddaughter has had blue, green, pink, red and a variety of other colors in her hair.  She goes to college, works, takes care of her baby and lives with her mom because she can't afford to live on her own right now.  Your daughter has to learn about life by making her own mistakes.  I wish you luck.

KittyGram
by Becky on Jun. 19, 2017 at 1:34 PM
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Speaking from my own experiences:  Tell her to get out of the house from 8 to 5 Monday thru Friday until she has a job.  And if she doesn't keep that job, then do it all over again.  Don't make it easy for her, because just *telling* her to get a job or anything else isn't going to make her do it.  Make life hard enough that she will finally get off her butt and do something.  When my daughter was 20, almost 21, with a baby and living with me, I told her to get out till she had a job.  It had to be evenings, because I was her babysitter, and I work full time days.  She came back home just a couple hours later with a job.  It won't take long if you make it uncomfortable for her.

I agree that the hair color isn't something to argue about.  It'll grow back.  Not worth the words to argue about it.  My daughter did the black with a bright purple/red streak in it.  And she wore pin curls in it, every day.  To school.  It was awful, but if I'd argued that with her, it would have lasted a lot longer than it did.

healingsoul
by Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 1:41 PM

Thank you, I just need to hear these kinds of things from others. It is supportive.

Quoting Why123:

Raising children to be independent adults is very hard.  Changing her hair color is not something worth fighting about.  My oldest granddaughter has had blue, green, pink, red and a variety of other colors in her hair.  She goes to college, works, takes care of her baby and lives with her mom because she can't afford to live on her own right now.  Your daughter has to learn about life by making her own mistakes.  I wish you luck.


healingsoul
by Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 1:48 PM

She is working in the sense that she just graduated in May and she has about a month left before she will be finished her first novel and will be working to seek an agent. She asked my husband and I if she could instead of go to college, write for two years. If she doesn't get a book published and have a continuing career writing she will go to college. We agreed. One of her brothers is a junior in college. He is a great example for her. He oldest brother went into the military and works very hard. 

On the plus side, she passed her dr liscense test today!!!!! Finally. so she has to practice driving. Big step toward independence. We matched money for her two older brothers in getting a used car and have a small loan set up for them that they pay off for their car for the amount it was over the matching. Of course we will do the same with her but she will have to save money. The boys got their cars when they were graduating from high school.  


I appreciate your comments and advice. 

Quoting KittyGram:

Speaking from my own experiences:  Tell her to get out of the house from 8 to 5 Monday thru Friday until she has a job.  And if she doesn't keep that job, then do it all over again.  Don't make it easy for her, because just *telling* her to get a job or anything else isn't going to make her do it.  Make life hard enough that she will finally get off her butt and do something.  When my daughter was 20, almost 21, with a baby and living with me, I told her to get out till she had a job.  It had to be evenings, because I was her babysitter, and I work full time days.  She came back home just a couple hours later with a job.  It won't take long if you make it uncomfortable for her.

I agree that the hair color isn't something to argue about.  It'll grow back.  Not worth the words to argue about it.  My daughter did the black with a bright purple/red streak in it.  And she wore pin curls in it, every day.  To school.  It was awful, but if I'd argued that with her, it would have lasted a lot longer than it did.


healingsoul
by Member on Jun. 20, 2017 at 9:06 AM

BUMP!

atlmom2
by Susie on Jun. 20, 2017 at 9:25 AM
2 moms liked this

Tough love.  Stop paying for her.  

Stevensmomma
by on Jun. 20, 2017 at 9:28 AM
2 moms liked this
Start by making her help around the house and contribute
Then make her get a full time job and help with expenses
healingsoul
by Member on Jun. 21, 2017 at 12:11 PM

Thank you for the encouragement. I need to take these steps that you are recommending. We don't make our children while in college or preparing for their career to work and pay for expenses but I am going to stop paying for her and make steps toward tough love. 

I think the fact that since my daughter was sick for so many years and still is under that care of doctors for her illness that I have been easier on her and pampered her.  

Work_of_art
by Member on Jun. 21, 2017 at 1:39 PM
1 mom liked this

Here's the way we have approached our DD who is also 19 (almost 20). When she tried to pull the " I can do what I want" I simply explain that she isnt really an adult until she is on her own paying her own bills. My roof, my rules. Second, when she went to college we made her live on campus, we thought it would be a nice transition of life expirence. When she flunked out of her freshman year, in order for us to fund another year of college she had to get a job and buy her own car, because her first car she ran into the ground. So her and DH are currently out car shopping now. For us, we are at the point of just pushing her out of the nest and letting her fly.

if she fails, at this second year of college coming up in Aug, she is on her on. If she succeeds we will continue to support her (at a distance I.E. living on campus) until she graduates... after graduation she is on her own... and that's just our bottom line.

so I guess what I'm saying is, you have to figure out what you are going to tolerate in your home, and come up with some guidelines. Physically write a contact with your daughter make her sign it. If she goes back on the contract in anyway...let her fly...

healingsoul
by Member on Jun. 21, 2017 at 3:53 PM

Thank you for this reminder. I don't know how I forget. I did have to say this to my son when he thought he became an adult. Yes, as long as she is in our home and we pay for the living expense we is not really an adult. We did exactly what you did with our oldest son. Yes, we want to let her fly. 

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