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Teenage Girl - Temper Tantrum

Posted by on Nov. 16, 2017 at 12:13 AM
  • 8 Replies

I know this may not be the best forum for this post, but I tend to get better advice here.  Thanks! 

My 18 year old step-daughter, senior in high school, recently moved in with us.  She was not getting along with her mom and has generally been doing well here for the past couple of months.   At her moms she essentially lived in her room, eating alone, slamming doors and excluding herself from the rest of the family.  That has never been a problem here, until yesterday. 

Last night I politely asked her to stop doing something that was dirtying my room.  She got instantly pissed, said "Whatever!" rolled her eyes, ran to her room and slammed the door.  I just continued with my bathroom routine and made a note that I wanted to talk to her about it when she calmed down. 

When I came home this evening she had apparently done something similar with my husband.  They had a disagreement, she started screaming, ran up stairs and closed the door.  She refused to come down for dinner, waited until everyone but me went to bed, put her earbuds in to walk around like I am invisible, made herself dinner and went back to her room.  

There are other kids in this house, and even if there were not, I find this behavior completely unacceptable.  Yes, I get it, we all get mad, but can you imagine if every time someone was peeved about something we stormed off and refused to come back down.  I want my DH and I to talk to her together about the big picture of respecting the family and each other and to let her know that this is just not an acceptable way to behave in this house.  We work on a culture of respect here.  He just wants to address the issue that happened with him 1-1.  Maybe we need to do both.  

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this?  Or just moral support? 

It just feels awful.  Like my peaceful house is under seige.  

Update: 

Thank you all for your helpful advice and understanding.  DH and I ended up talking to her individually.  He was able to address the issue that they were mad about (which I did not witness and stayed out of).  And we both spoke with her about house rules.  

Like I said, she had never done this at our house before even though we know this is how she regularly acted at her moms.  I could tell that she didn't feel very good about it and was able to start with that.  "Your behavior doesn't even make YOU, feel good. Why would you want to do that? There are always going to be small disagreements in a family and 90% of what we do is just show up, appologize and move on.  Can you imagine if me or your dad screamed, locked ourselves in the room and refused to come down for dinner?"  She agreed that would not be a happy home and would be awkward for everyone.  

She started to do it one more time this week, but came out a half hour later to tell everyone goodnight.  She's trying to be different and I think that we just need to keep being consistent with the expectations.  

by on Nov. 16, 2017 at 12:13 AM
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Replies (1-8):
kuntrylady56
by Platinum Member on Nov. 16, 2017 at 11:20 AM
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Ahhh, the teenage years! It seems like they'll never end sometimes.lol Your beautiful little princess becomes a person you don't even recognize. With my daughter I wasn't just dealing with normal teenage hood, I was dealing with her having ADHD also. And later on we found out she had other issues also. 

But one of the things I can tell you is you and your husband have to be on the same page when dealing with your children. It dosen't matter if they're part of a blended family or not(yes there are certain issues these children deal with,other don't) but if they're living in your home and are part of the family then they get treated as such. Same rules go for everyone. And if she can not respect that then she needs to know there will be consequences. One would be if she can not come down and eat with the famly then she goes hungry. The kitchen is off limits for her until she joins the family at meal time. And if she continues to slam her bedroom door then she has NO bedroom door, it will be removed along with her right to privacy.  Yes, we did remove my daughters door!

Sometimes you do need to give them their space to just calm down but the problems can't keep being ignored. And if they are it will keep continuing.

Everyone has a bad day and feel like the whole world is out to get them. Your step daughter needs to know that you understand and are ther for her. BUT, you will not have her disrespecting and disrupting your household. And let her know there will be consequences. Maybe not very harsh ones to begin with, but if the temper tantrums and disrespect continue and you and your husband have spoken to her more then once...then they get stricter.  And you two(dad and step mom) have to stand together or she will learn that she can minipulate and use one against the other. I also raised two teenage step children. Its not easy but I promise you if you all work together as a family, it makes it much better on all concerned.

I wish you luck and send you a big hug.hugs

EireLass
by Platinum Member on Nov. 16, 2017 at 11:31 AM
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When my step-son came to live with us, he was 17. Not knowing anything about his home life didn't matter to me. This was my home, and there were specific lifestyle rules here. If you want to live in my 'home community', this is how you do it. And I put it on my husband to enforce, as it was his son. He did, and for the most part, all went well. When he decided to slip back into the lifestyle his Mom had prepared him for....which was contradictory to mine....the foot was put down, and he moved out. He was not asked to leave, he was not kicked out, it was his choice. His own pride kept him from coming back with my door wide open, his choice....he had a rough couple of years trying to 'find his calling'. Now he worked full-time as an electical apprentice, while going to electrical school, and renting a home with a room mate. 

And the slamming doors? When my daughter did it, and then repeated it....the door came off. Yup....no bedroom door. Oh well! And I reminded her that the bathroom door can come off too.

LEK19
by Group Admin on Nov. 16, 2017 at 12:22 PM
1 mom liked this

It sounds as if she is stuck in those early teen years. 

I, too, have had to remove a door on occassion. It is one thing to be angry and want your space. It is another thing to be disruptive, damaging, and disrespectful of house rules and family members. One of my house rules is if you abuse it you lose it.

I agree that both of you need to have a sit down with her. He may not be comfortable with this. Working it all out before hand should help. Think of any responses she may have to your terms of being part of your family and how you both will respond to those. 

Let her know that you understand that growing up is hard and you are there to support her through it. Be firm with your expectations and follow through. Some kids can be more "work" than others. It may not always be easy and will most definitely be uncomfortable at times but you can all do it. 

Good luck!

DONNAOPULENTO
by Member on Nov. 16, 2017 at 4:31 PM

I did not have step-children.  My biggest problem was my youngest daughter with "itchy feet syndrome" sometimes talking is not enough, sometimes action speaks louder than words.  You know how to run your house.  Keep your rules and enforce them.  Repetition is vital if dishonourable child insists on dishonourable behaviour.  

jabs54
by Jeanine on Nov. 17, 2017 at 10:04 AM

I would have sat down with her with a written "rules contract and consequences" before she moved in.  If you haven't done that you'd better do it soon!

atlmom2
by Susie on Nov. 17, 2017 at 1:42 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting jabs54:

I would have sat down with her with a written "rules contract and consequences" before she moved in.  If you haven't done that you'd better do it soon!



This
DanaG70
by Member on Nov. 17, 2017 at 1:50 PM
There has always been a rule about no eating in the bedrooms in our house, and we had to remove the door on my daughter’s bedroom because she slammed the door.
It’s time to have a little chat with your step daughter.
suzeebloch
by Ronna on Nov. 17, 2017 at 6:14 PM

I see that many moms here have removed bedroom doors.  SMH.  Why didn't I think of that when my now 37-year-old daughter was a teenager?!  lol.

Since she's only been there for a couple of months, the first thing that popped into my head was PMS.  You know how hormones can wreak havoc on all of us girls! 

but she does need to know the rules, what she did at mom's doesn't matter now - she's at your house.  If she needs her space when she is upset be sure she understands no slamming of doors - just calmly say, "I need space" and let her be. 

I'm SO GLAD I'm past those years - if it's any help - both me and my kids survived the terrible teenage years!!


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