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Why??

Posted by on Nov. 16, 2017 at 3:55 PM
  • 13 Replies
1 mom liked this

Why in the *%$$ does my daughter keep putting up with that a-hole? She just called me crying and hysterical because she just had to have him arrested. He had went out and got drunk/wasted last night and didn't come home until this morning when he fell in bed. Well evidently he woke up and started talking all crazy so my daughter ask him to leave. And when he wouldn't she tried to push him towards the door and he grabbed a butter knife and started hitting her in the face/head with it!  So she was smart enough this time to call the police.

But then she blubbering and making excuses for him because they actually locked his ass up. I hoping since he has that other assualt case hanging over his head still, they keep his ass in there for more then 24 hours. But knowing our police they won't unless she presses charges. 

And it makes me more upset that this will probably cause her to loose her job because she is to upset to work. And I have a feeling she may have marks on her face.

I get so tired of this! She is always hoping he'll change but after 11 damn years she should know he never will!  He does okay for awhile and then he is right back to be an ass.


by on Nov. 16, 2017 at 3:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momof337
by Stephanie on Nov. 16, 2017 at 4:32 PM
😯 I am so sorry Hugs
KittyGram
by Becky on Nov. 16, 2017 at 5:28 PM
2 moms liked this

This will possibly sound harsh, but I'm being totally honest here:  If it were me in your shoes, I'd tell her not to call me again about him.  Seriously.

When I was going thru sh*t with my daughter, I sought out counselling in my then-church.  It was a group of women, some with chemical addictions, some with family members with chemical addictions, and some like me, just struggling to figure it out.  One thing I learned in there is, "Nothing changes if nothing changes", or "Nothing changes until you do".  Put an end to her dragging you into it.  Then she may start to see that he is who he is, and that nothing will change until she does.  And then she may take the steps that she needs to take.

My daughter has come a very long way - these days, all I hear about is my ex-husband's family's drama - not about him, because she wants nothing to do with him (it's entirely his fault - he's never grown up, and he chooses stupid battles with her). It's the rest of his family - his mother and his 4 sisters and their kids.  There's sooooo much drama in that family it's ridiculous.  She has relationships with some of them, I choose not to anymore.  I'm sick of it.  She will frequently start to tell me of a conversation she's had with one of them, and unless I consistently tell her I don't want to hear about *anything* going on in that family, if I give in even once and listen to her, then I get sucked back in.  So, I hold my ground.  I just don't want to know.  I don't want that crap in my life and I don't need it.  There's too much drama (work, my own family, etc.) that I can't control, without allowing that in too.


Esmrlda
by Esme on Nov. 16, 2017 at 5:53 PM

Is she co dependant?  Could possibly be why.

EireLass
by Platinum Member on Nov. 16, 2017 at 6:29 PM
1 mom liked this

I was going to say the same thing.

Quoting KittyGram:

This will possibly sound harsh, but I'm being totally honest here:  If it were me in your shoes, I'd tell her not to call me again about him.  Seriously.

When I was going thru sh*t with my daughter, I sought out counselling in my then-church.  It was a group of women, some with chemical addictions, some with family members with chemical addictions, and some like me, just struggling to figure it out.  One thing I learned in there is, "Nothing changes if nothing changes", or "Nothing changes until you do".  Put an end to her dragging you into it.  Then she may start to see that he is who he is, and that nothing will change until she does.  And then she may take the steps that she needs to take.

My daughter has come a very long way - these days, all I hear about is my ex-husband's family's drama - not about him, because she wants nothing to do with him (it's entirely his fault - he's never grown up, and he chooses stupid battles with her). It's the rest of his family - his mother and his 4 sisters and their kids.  There's sooooo much drama in that family it's ridiculous.  She has relationships with some of them, I choose not to anymore.  I'm sick of it.  She will frequently start to tell me of a conversation she's had with one of them, and unless I consistently tell her I don't want to hear about *anything* going on in that family, if I give in even once and listen to her, then I get sucked back in.  So, I hold my ground.  I just don't want to know.  I don't want that crap in my life and I don't need it.  There's too much drama (work, my own family, etc.) that I can't control, without allowing that in too.


LEK19
by Group Admin on Nov. 17, 2017 at 10:04 AM
1 mom liked this

So sorry about what your daughter is going through. It is so hard to deal with. When she is ready she will see. I hope it is soon.

Do you have a domestic abuse organization in your area? If not, check around to see where one is. Ask about the laws in your state. Years ago the police department in our area was not following the domestic abuse laws and many were actually making it more difficult for someone to get help when being abused. Laws were tightened up and local police were expected to follow them because a local organization started a safe house and support groups for women. I was surprised to find out how little our police were doing at the time and how potentially harmful their behavior was.

If children are involved, some states after a limited number of abuse calls have to prosecute for child abuse/neglect because the couple are putting their kids through all that. Some places will remove the children from the home until further court-ordered measures are taken.

If you don't already know, check it out. You may find more help and support there. 

jabs54
by Jeanine on Nov. 17, 2017 at 10:06 AM

I don't get it either!!!

kuntrylady56
by Platinum Member on Nov. 17, 2017 at 1:46 PM

Basically this is exactly what I have told her and the only reason she had called this time was because I was supposed to be giving her a ride to work and she was letting me know she wasn't going.  She was crying so I ask her what happened, just the mom coming out in me. 

She told me and was trying to make excuses for him and I told her I didn't want to hear it and she was the one that lets keep treating her like a door mat. So the conversation wasn't a long one.

It just upsets me  to see me my daughter upset and that this man can physically abuse people and he isn't behind bars! Our county jail is over full they're sending prisoners to other counties. Which I wish they would do to him.


Quoting KittyGram:

This will possibly sound harsh, but I'm being totally honest here:  If it were me in your shoes, I'd tell her not to call me again about him.  Seriously.

When I was going thru sh*t with my daughter, I sought out counselling in my then-church.  It was a group of women, some with chemical addictions, some with family members with chemical addictions, and some like me, just struggling to figure it out.  One thing I learned in there is, "Nothing changes if nothing changes", or "Nothing changes until you do".  Put an end to her dragging you into it.  Then she may start to see that he is who he is, and that nothing will change until she does.  And then she may take the steps that she needs to take.

My daughter has come a very long way - these days, all I hear about is my ex-husband's family's drama - not about him, because she wants nothing to do with him (it's entirely his fault - he's never grown up, and he chooses stupid battles with her). It's the rest of his family - his mother and his 4 sisters and their kids.  There's sooooo much drama in that family it's ridiculous.  She has relationships with some of them, I choose not to anymore.  I'm sick of it.  She will frequently start to tell me of a conversation she's had with one of them, and unless I consistently tell her I don't want to hear about *anything* going on in that family, if I give in even once and listen to her, then I get sucked back in.  So, I hold my ground.  I just don't want to know.  I don't want that crap in my life and I don't need it.  There's too much drama (work, my own family, etc.) that I can't control, without allowing that in too.


louannwilkins
by Louann on Nov. 17, 2017 at 10:01 PM

Hugs to you!!  I KNOW it upsets you.  You know, she's got to know that he is what he is.  He isn't going to change because he doesn't have to.  You can't keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome.  Sounds like she could use some counseling to help her SEE all of this in case she really doesn't see it now.  I feel bad for all of you.  It's just a viscious cycle.  I hope they keep him.  He is never going to change unless he has to.  She on the other hand should see that she deserves better.  Again..hugs to you!!  Keep us posted

eyeteachscience
by on Nov. 18, 2017 at 8:08 PM
1 mom liked this

You are in such a difficult spot and I know the feeling having been there myself. I've done a bit of reading on Domestic Violence and why she stays, and I can tell you it's certainly very complex, and way beyond my layman's understanding. Here is an article that may bring some light to the subject:

http://media.focusonthefamily.com/fotf/pdf/fof_daily_broadcast/2015/ffde20151021-dealing-with-domestic-violence.pdf#_ga=2.239045442.378223193.1511046376-1894252620.1510867714

Good luck and God Bless.

Cindy18
by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2017 at 6:23 AM
You are an amazing mom for being there for her. I dont k ow how you have done it for 11 years!
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