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Moms with Adult Kids Moms with Adult Kids

Help! Please!

Posted by on Apr. 24, 2008 at 7:24 AM
  • 7 Replies
I think my adult son is hitting his wife again!  They came over last night and she had a black eye.  I asked her and she wouldn't answer me.  My husband said, our son said she was in a car accident.  I told him the last time this happened that I would call the cops myself.  I don't want my son to go to jail, but they have 3 kids, 7, 4 and 6months and I'm afraid for all of them.   My son has always had a temper and I thought after the last time, he had gotten things together.  Now, I don't know what to do.  Do we confront him?  Do I report it to the police?  Please keep us in your prayers, while we work through this problem.
Thanks,
Andrea
by on Apr. 24, 2008 at 7:24 AM
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Replies (1-7):
3562tonia
by on Apr. 24, 2008 at 8:01 PM
Wow that is a tuff one. I would tell my daughter in law to take the kids and run. I don't know where you live but here in Vt they have shelters to help her think things thru. To talk to some one outside of the situtaton. And help her make choises that is beniful to her and the children. No woman deserves to be abused. but that is my opion and I will PRAY for her and the CHILDREN
Somma
by on May. 17, 2008 at 2:09 PM
you or her can call the police-- he will go before the judge-- which in turn he has to go through anger mangement classes or go to jail--its up to him, with 3 small kids in the house --he need to understand that they watch all of this and act out the same. If there is a next time tell your daughter-in law what to do--or you do it, save your son--her husband/farther of your grandchild. He needs the help..Carol
Mom2FourAdults
by on Jun. 13, 2008 at 12:34 AM
I was married to an abuser/alcoholic for seven years and have since worked with battered women and children.
From my personal experience, I can tell you, until your daughter-in-law is ready to make a change, no one can do anything.  We have seen women that wanted out, and everything was done to help them and the woman would go back to the husband/boyfriend and turn on us...like we were the ones doing the abusing.
Calling the police on your son may start a whole new set of problems.  He will become angry at you for calling them and he will be even angrier at her because you did.  And he may never speak to you again.
Since you don't really know "what goes on behind closed doors", even though you know he may be hitting her, it would be better to let her know that you know and that you are there for her.
Of course, I don't know your son, but my ex would threaten to harm (even kill) my family if I told anyone.  She may be afraid to say anything.
But, saying that, please encourage her to get help, go to a shelter or whatever she needs to do to protect herself and the children.  Just don't be disappointed if she doesn't take your advice...because until she is ready to get out, no one can help her.
Sorry this is so long....good luck and God bless you all.  If I can do anything to help, please PM me.....

 
                                                             
        

mama_k228
by Member on Jun. 13, 2008 at 9:25 PM

Quoting Somma:

you or her can call the police-- he will go before the judge-- which in turn he has to go through anger mangement classes or go to jail--its up to him, with 3 small kids in the house --he need to understand that they watch all of this and act out the same. If there is a next time tell your daughter-in law what to do--or you do it, save your son--her husband/farther of your grandchild. He needs the help..Carol

I agree.  I hope that your son and DIL can get the strength to make the decisions they need to make.   
"Motherhood...the ride of your life!!"
jonelli
by on Jun. 26, 2008 at 11:25 AM
I, too, was married 34 years to an abusive, alcoholic husband. I wanted to leave a zillion times in those years but didn't because of the kids. I finally left when my son went off to college. I regret not leaving sooner but do think, at least, your daughter-in-law needs to seek professional help. Like either a shelter for battered women, her family or perhaps the church. She cannot stay because it will make her hate him and, who knows, she could harm him one day. I know that I certainly thought of it but, of course, didn't do it. We all have our breaking points. My thoughts are with you and hope she does the correct thing.
Jonelli

nell_willi
by on Jun. 29, 2008 at 10:04 PM
For the sake of your grandchildren and daughter in law, get him some help.  Tell him its either therpy or jail and stick to it.  Don't let him tell u it won't happen again, because it always does.  Today its the wife tommorow its the kids.  I know what I'm talking about, I had a family member in that same shape and it almost killed her.  It doen't mean he's mean hes a bad person he just needs help.  MAKE HIM GET IT NOW.. you may be saving a life.
Pseudopal
by on Aug. 12, 2008 at 10:29 PM

Dear Grandmommy,

Call the police, call child protective services, get lawyers to help with grandparent rights in case either one of them tries to with hold grandparent rights. You can even have the police/sherrif work with you to pick out a time where they can pick him up with out the family being home. My friend went "grocery shopping" and took the kids while athorities pick up her husband from home.

Its best if you can either take her in or help her get to her folks home, or if some sort of financial support can be arranged for her and the kids so there is not any more disruption thatn their needs to be. But take it from someone who's been in their shoes- deep down they will love you more than you will ever know and will only care that they are free and safe.

Here is why:

  • Your son is an adult whom you raise better. He has a choice, the kids to not.
  • Most likely if mom is getting hit, so are the kids, or they will be soon.
  • I was an abused kid. Worse than being abused were knowing that there were adults who knew and did nothing to help me. To this day I have nothing to do with those who had an opportunity to save me and did not.
  • I had an abusive boyfriend once and only once. Same thing, people knew, and I was still waiting for someone to rescue me. In the begining I made excuses, when I wanted out- I stoped making excuses and like your daughter inlaw- mearly said nothing, in hope my slient answer-my secret plea for help, would  be understood.

It wasn't until my doctor figured out what was going on, and had my boyfriend arrested, that I finally was able to "leave" him.  He went to jail for a short time, and had 2 yrs of mandated anger management classes. I ran into him 15 yrs after he was arrested. He said it was the best thing that ever could have happenend to him. He has never laid a hand on another person since.

Your son, will not change or get help unless he is forced to. I have heard that said from several former abusers that it was only because they were forced to stop, that they stoped. Many women do not get out because they fear they have no safe place to go. They need 100 % assurance that getting away is real, they will be safe, and their is no chance that the abuser will be able to find them or get to them- mostly because the women know they are not strong enough to stand up to the wrath that awaits them if the abuser comes back.

That is the reality of an abused woman. Don't even get me started on what it does to the children.

Praying and hoping for you and yours,

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